The Bourne Ultimatum: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Sep 6th, 2007 | Movie Rating: 
FADE IN:
INT. TRAIN - LONDON
MATT DAMON takes a train to LONDON as he reads a newspaper article written about him. He contacts the reporter, PADDY CONSIDINE.
MATT DAMON
Hey, tell me who gave you all of that information.
PADDY CONSIDINE
Nobody, I swear! I just read the Robert Ludlum books.
MATT DAMON
Bullshit! The Ludlum books have almost nothing to do with these movies. Meet me in Waterloo station.
He DOES. MATT slips a phone into PADDY’S pocket and then calls it.
MATT DAMON
Your phones are all being monitored, so I gave you this new one.
PADDY CONSIDINE
Wow, an iPhone! You’re the best, Matt Damon. Hey, wait, what if they had just bugged my jacket instead of my phone?
MATT DAMON
If they had done that, I would have miraculously applied countermeasures specifically for that. It doesn’t matter what the government thinks to do, I always know how to circumvent it, and I can magically predict which tactics they will take, even when they have a dozen equally valid options. Spy training includes a few classes on mindreading.
PADDY CONSIDINE
Despite the fact that you have managed to keep me out of harm’s way using your superhuman powers of movement calculation, I will suddenly not trust you and run out into the middle of the station randomly.
He DOES, and he gets SHOT.
MATT DAMON
Fuck! Yet another person has gotten killed because I got too close to them. For some reason, I will feel no responsibility for this death, and instead I will take his notes and run off to find his source.
BYSTANDER
Hey, did you just take his wallet? He just took that guys wallet!
MATT figures out who the STAGE 2 BOSS is with the help of PADDY’S NOTES and a search engine, because no modern mystery is complete without a gratuitous use of every screenwriter’s favorite Deus Ex Machina, GOOGLE.
Meanwhile…
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS
Scumbag asshole DAVID STRATHAIRN tries to find MATT DAMON. He is BOSSY and DICKISH, so he recruits JOAN ALLEN for help, who immediately becomes BOSSY and DICKISH as well.
JOAN ALLEN
Matt Damon is the hardest guy to track in the entire known universe. Matt Damon is totally awesome and can kill anyone he wants just by looking at them. Matt Damon only sleeps for one hour a day, which he does in 10 second stretches throughout an entire day. Matt Damon can pierce your skull with his erection. Matt Damon can prove P=NP. God prays to Matt Damon to win the lottery. He rocks ass.
DAVID STRATHAIRN
Isn’t it kind of lazy to just have you come in and explain Matt’s character, rather than illustrate how awesome he is?
JOAN ALLEN
The entire premise of this franchise is the “guy wakes up with amnesia, tries to figure out who he is” cliche. Lazy writing is the only thing this series knows.
EXT. SPAIN
Back in EUROPE, MATT DAMON follows some clues to a building, where he happens to find JULIA STILES.
MATT DAMON
You? What the hell are you doing here?
JULIA STILES
I was contractually obligated to appear, so I was written in awkwardly. Amazing coincidence I’d be here at the same time you arrived, eh?
MATT DAMON
Hmm. Yes, it is quite the coincidence. Normally this sort of serendipity would indicate something suspicious is going on, but given the quality of the writing so far, I’ll actually assume this really is just stupid luck. Will you help me get my life back and betray your organization?
JULIA STILES
The same organization that has killed people for betraying them, with my assistance?
MATT DAMON
Yeah, that one.
JULIA STILES
Sure, why not? I definitely trust you, even though the last time I saw you, you held a gun to my head and made me cry in a subway broom closet.
She helps him get his NEXT CLUE, but an ASSASSIN tries to kill them both.
ASSASSIN
You’re no match for me, Matt Damon. I’m the first character in the series that’s actually smarter than you.
MATT DAMON
Since I can’t outsmart you, I’ll just revert to being a brainless brute that beats the shit out of you like a fucking caveman. MATT DAMON SMASH!
MATT begins to fight the ASSASSIN as the CAMERAMAN has an EPILEPTIC FIT. We assume the fight is BAD ASS, but we can’t tell if the camera is even facing it.
MATT DAMON
Julia, you’re going to have to dye your hair, change your name, leave your job behind, cut off all contact from your family and friends, and move to another country right away.
JULIA STILES
Ugh, getting involved with you in any way really sucks. I guess I should feel lucky that I’m the first person you’ve met that didn’t wind up getting shot in the head.
MATT DAMON
Ouch.
INT. NEW YORK CITY
MATT DAMON, for the first time in the series, returns to the UNITED STATES.
MATT DAMON
Yeah! We’re finally out of exotic foreign cities and back in New York, where pretty much every other movie is set! This must be so exciting for the audience!
MATT calls JOAN ALLEN.
JOAN ALLEN
Extraneous Characters R’ Us, how may I direct your call?
MATT DAMON
It’s me, Matt Damon. I assume that you’ve grown to respect how awesome I am since you tried to apprehend me in the last movie, so you’ll probably be willing to help me now. Oh, by the way… I LIKE WHAT YOU’VE DONE WITH YOUR HAIR!!!!
JOAN ALLEN
OH MY GOD!!!! NOT ONLY ARE YOU ON THE PHONE, BUT YOU ARE ALSO WATCHING ME!!!
MATT DAMON
THAT’S RIGHT!! THAT’S HOW FUCKING CRAZY AWESOME I AM!!!
JOAN ALLEN
HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT!!
MATT DAMON
Man, I love that trick. I can’t believe that shit still surprises you, since I’ve revealed I could see you in every single phone conversation we’ve ever had.
JOAN ALLEN
Oh yeah. Well anyway, your real birthday is 4/15/71.
MATT DAMON
4/15/71.. hey, that’s a code for an address! Kind of a shitty code, though.
JOAN ALLEN
Yeah well, I told you at the end of the last movie too, and you didn’t get it until now. The government guys who you keep outsmarting are sure to figure it out though, so you better get over there.
He DOES, and he finds ALBERT FINNEY.
MATT DAMON
What did you do to me? Why am I a totally awesome ass-kicking machine?
ALBERT FINNEY
You were part of a program codenamed Treadstone, but also codenamed Blackbriar so that this movie would seem fresher. We trained you to be an action movie star.
MATT DAMON
But why? Why did you take my life?
ALBERT FINNEY
You volunteered, dipshit.
MATT DAMON
Really?
ALBERT FINNEY
Yeah. So are you going to kill me now, or what?
MATT DAMON
I guess not. I mean, I volunteered, so it’s my own damn fault.
ALBERT FINNEY
So now what?
MATT DAMON
I guess I’ll just leave or something. Um, sorry for bothering you.
ALBERT FINNEY
This trilogy won’t really end this anticlimactically, will it?
It DOES.
END
I’m a fucking total douchebag that likes to say ‘first post!’ I have no penis, and my mother rapes me with a strap-on.
And Rod, you’re just jealous that you can’t kick ass like Bourne.
I know I am….
September 6th, 2007 at 8:14 amoh and hey, something I mentioned in my review of the movie that I’d hoped you’d poke fun at: He’s being tracked by the CIA, Russia, Germany, FBI, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, and possibly the IRS.
Yet, though he’s trying to be incognito, and everyone around him changes their clothes, hair, name, address, mother’s maiden name, all to try and live, Bourne…. wears the same clothes through 3 movies. No hairstyle change. No fake mustache. No face paint. Nothing.
I mean, c’mon, at least get a TAN trenchcoat or something, switch it up from black. How the hell do they NEVER see him coming? He always looks FUCKING THE SAME. Surely he’d have been flagged SOMEWHERE passing through customs, no?
September 6th, 2007 at 8:18 am“Matt Damon is the hardest guy to track in the entire known universe. Matt Damon is totally awesome and can kill anyone he wants just by looking at them. Matt Damon only sleeps for one hour a day, which he does in 10 second stretches throughout an entire day. Matt Damon can pierce your skull with his erection. Matt Damon can prove P=NP. God prays to Matt Damon to win the lottery. He rocks ass.”
Matt Damon = Chuck Norris?
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/
September 6th, 2007 at 10:19 am“MATT begins to fight the ASSASSIN as the CAMERAMAN has an EPILEPTIC FIT.”
LOL, that might explain the action scenes in quite a few movies. Good to see another script as always. :)
September 6th, 2007 at 10:43 amwow, that wallet reference to Back to the Future, PRICELESS!
September 6th, 2007 at 12:37 pmYou forgot about the underdeveloped villain Edgar Ramirez who’s one breath away from Death after the crappy New York car chase, but not close enough that he can’t show up later that day to chase Matt Damon off the roof of a 10 story building and watch him swim away.
September 6th, 2007 at 1:06 pmYeah, I still liked this movie better than Casino Royale, though.
September 6th, 2007 at 2:18 pmI am certain that Paul Greengrass instructs his cameramen to masturbate while they film.
September 6th, 2007 at 3:17 pmSpeaking of Casino Royale, I was rather disappointed that The Bourne Ultimatum didn’t go the same route they did (as well as Live Free or Die Hard) and include a HENCHMAN WHO USED TO WORK FOR CIRQUE DU SOLEIL OR SOMETHING. I had totally convinced myself it was Hollywood’s new chew toy, now that “wire-fu and/or bullet time” doesn’t dazzle audiences as consistently.
Unrelated: this site doesn’t look right in Safari, not that it matters.
September 6th, 2007 at 6:18 pmRod;
Loved the Back to the Future reference as well(hoped I’d be the first to catch that…dammit!). The whole “THAT’S HOW FUCKING CRAZY AWESOME I AM!!!” was great.
I find it curious that you always abridge the scripts I review. :-P
And by the way, Rod…I LIKE WHAT YOU’VE DONE WITH YOUR HAIR!!!!
September 6th, 2007 at 11:17 pmAh! So that’s what happened to that fucking cameraman! An epileptic fit! And here I thought it was a misguided and unnecessary attempt at creating tension. I like your idea better, it gives me faith in the movie making process to think that someone wouldn’t do that on purpose.
September 7th, 2007 at 4:14 pm“Yeah well, I told you at the end of the last movie too, and you didn’t get it until now.”
That scene at the end of Bourne Supremacy and this scene are one and the same. It has the same dialogue, the same staging, same everything. So it’s not like Bourne just completely forgot all this stuff and had to be reminded.
Just sayin’.
September 8th, 2007 at 4:02 amHello Rod
Loved the film (almost as much as Casino Royale) but I did have issues with it that you singled out here very well.
Like “every screenwriter’s favorite Deux Ex Machina, GOOGLE.”
Bit like the cell phone use in Casino Royale and The Departed. Kudos. (Although, that said, the web and cell phones are used so frequently in real life these days it’d almost be a surprise not to see them in films.)
“MATT DAMON SMASH!”
Reminded me of Team America, that did. Another kudos.
Glad that you pointed out the overuse of the shakycam too - it’s the one thing that’s REALLY bothered me about Casino Royale and the last two Bourne films.
September 8th, 2007 at 12:17 pmSharp, lean and angry. A pleasure as always.Keep them coming Rod.
You could have pointed out the cynicism of setting the film between the climax and the epilogue of the previous film just so they could keep the name Bourne in the title. They had to set it before he knew his real name. Maybe you didn’t notice. Kudos to Martin. Is it just two of us?
Then there is the clunky political message for America from left leaning British director Paul Greengrass: Just as Jason Bourne volunteered to be made into a deadly killing machine regardless of the consequences, America chose its current government and is facing the nasty consequences abroad. Anyone else feel preached at?
If Bourne didn’t lose his memory he would be happily following orders killing for his government right now. The CIA didn’t make him forget who he was. That was an accident. Maybe a side effect of the experimental training is that he is prone to memory loss in very specific circumstances, ie when he is shot in the back and falls into cold deep water at night….
…Oh dear seems like he might be back at square one then.
Coming 2009
Jason Bourne washes up in New Jersey with no memory. Some thugs try to rob him. He defeats them effortlessly. He falls asleep in a church doorway and is taken in by a sympathetic minister who teaches him the ways of the Lord.
Provisional title: The Bourne Again Christian
Or The Bourne Loser
Mark my words.
September 8th, 2007 at 12:48 pmYeah, maybe Rod was just pointing out how confusing it is that the last scene of the second movie occurs in the middle of the third movie, as you suddenly realize that everything you just saw came BEFORE the second movie’s ending and Bourne’s trip to New York wasn’t so uneventful after all.
September 8th, 2007 at 2:49 pmVery nice parody.
You should do a parody of “The Simpsons Movie” next. I don’t care if people love The Simpsons; you need to slam it.
September 8th, 2007 at 4:29 pmAnother great script. I love The Bourne Supremacy, but I have many issues with this one. You forgot this moment- MATT (on phone): “Hello David Strathairn. I’ve just sneaked into your top security building, past dozens of agents looking for me, and into your office, where I will now defeat your safe’s elaborate security system using a dictaphone and sticky tape. I could’ve easily walked out of this building and finished the movie unscathed, but it’s so fucking easy outwitting you people, I just had to let you know where I was so we could get another chase scene in…and for the exercise. Oh, by the way, I LIKE WHAT YOU’VE DONE WITH YOUR DRAPES!” Crazy awesome!
September 9th, 2007 at 8:24 amOh God how I enjoyed this script. I think the movies that I actually like have better parodies on this site than the ones I think are already stupid. Huh.
Yeah, I loved the entire Bourne series (I would argue that it’s the most intelligent action series ever), but that doesn’t mean I can’t laugh at some of the things that seem ridiculous when you stop and think about them.
September 9th, 2007 at 12:11 pmOh, and Chuck Norris is a pussy next to Jack Bauer.
September 9th, 2007 at 12:12 pmAnd just for a triple post:
If the CIA had been close enough to the reporter to plant a bug on him they just would have grabbed him, since that was their objective from the start.
Bourne apparently knew this, and was able to figure out that they would instead just be tapping his phone.
September 9th, 2007 at 12:13 pmaw c’mon… did you have to deface my very first 1st post? I know it’s gay, but – it’s the first time i’ve ever been the first at ANYTHING online. except for my own site which doesn’t count.
I promise it’s not a habit. And if you’re going to modify my comment, could you at least not defame my long-lost mother? It hurts my feelings.
She’s not dead. She’s just lost.
September 9th, 2007 at 7:37 pm“We assume the fight is BAD ASS, but we can’t tell if the camera is even facing it.”
Brilliant script Rod, back on form. About time you took the piss out of something people actually cared about.
September 10th, 2007 at 1:37 pmI like it how the abr. script left out the Tanger location completely, it’s like 30 minutes (with a 20 minute chase therein) in the movie, it makes you wonder why it was in there for the first place, it adds nothing to the movie.
September 13th, 2007 at 9:07 amGreat script. I couldn’t believe the utter stupidity of the “why did you choose me?” exchange. Hmmm, yes, the CIA often drafts people to be their top secret killers. It’s not like they choose from a huge pool of experienced and very willing volunteers or anything. So what a shock when we’re told he volunteered.
It also wouldn’t have killed the writers to think of an actual plot. Seeing as Bourne wiped out all of his enemies in the first two films, perhaps they should have invented new villains instead of say “it turns out the CIA has more employees.”
September 14th, 2007 at 9:52 pmCall me a masochist, but I just love it when Rod slashes a movie I liked. Kind of a “haha, yeah, I guess” reaction.
Greatness as always.
September 15th, 2007 at 8:41 pmhey rod do you remember the url of that site that made an audio version of your episode 3 script?
September 16th, 2007 at 10:17 amI’m afraid to say you dropped the ball on this one, Rod. As someone stated before, Blackbriar didn’t bug the reporter’s jacket because if they had been close enough to do that they would have just grabbed him. Also, Bourne didn’t immediately and blindly trust Julia Stiles’s character, as I recall he put a gun in her face and watched as she called in an all-clear to home-base. She also implies at one point that she and Bourne had relations in the past. And yes, he had to break into the heavily-guarded headquarters because he needed the contents of the safe. Then since you don’t really have anything worthwhile to criticize about this film you start making immature “MATT DAMON STUPID” jokes, thus losing all credibility… Sorry, I normally like your work, and I didn’t even enjoy this movie all that much (the second is far better) but I just had to call bullshit on this desperate attempt at humor.
September 16th, 2007 at 4:58 pmI went through my script and looked for some “MATT DAMON STUPID” jokes and couldn’t find any. The only comment is that when the other guy outsmarts him, he transforms from the ultra-intelligent spy into a fucking thug - that criticism is accurate. I don’t really follow how you got from “MATT DAMON IS CRAZY AWESOME” to “MATT DAMON IS DUMB”.
A couple people have mentioned the jacket thing. I dig that there were reasons not to bug the jacket. That’s not the point. The point is: no matter what the government decides to do, Matt Damon knows and is prepared for exactly that. He just picks one thing, and it is exactly the thing that he needs to protect against. There are never any mistakes, and never any extra precautions - he thinks of ALL and ONLY the things he needs to, and it comes off as superhuman, rather than just cool. You have to admit, as a creative person, you could come up with a hundred things the government could have done to monitor the guy, but they just picked the one thing, and it happens to be the only thing Damon protects against.
Also, check the * rating at the top (I liked the movie).
September 16th, 2007 at 6:47 pmDamon (post 27), are you a complete tool?
September 18th, 2007 at 3:51 amHave you actually read any of the scripts on this site before? You may have noticed that Rod rips every film to pieces, regardless of whether he likes it or not. This is a site for comedy, not serious scholarship.
If you’re going to shit your pants and cry every time he makes fun of a film you like, try to avoid those write-ups, or maybe even avoid the site altogether. Just an idea…
No, this is a site for serious scholarship. Damon should point out the flaws in every script.
September 18th, 2007 at 5:26 pmI see you neglected to mention what happens right after the Joan Allen/Matt Damon phone conversation. Could it be you enjoyed that part?
September 19th, 2007 at 3:58 pmlol i watched only first 2 movies but i totally fucking enjoyed reading this scrypt coz i could see every scene in my head and why is it funny. keep rocking rod! I R wants more!
September 19th, 2007 at 8:35 pmDamon could perhaps ellaborate the flaws in abridged script form.
September 20th, 2007 at 2:59 pmAwesome work Rod. Loved the Chuck Norris reference, but even more so that you slipped in the hidden Bruce Schneier reference (proving P=NP). Brilliant.
September 22nd, 2007 at 3:07 pmHey, Damon. I’m a big Matt Damon fan AND I enjoyed the Bourne flicks quite a bit.
I loved this script.
Rod wins.
September 26th, 2007 at 3:06 pmNo love for the “Stage 2 boss” line? These comments fail.
Totally rad script, though.
September 27th, 2007 at 9:51 pmTom: “Preached at” isn’t the word. More like “Proud of ourselves for spotting the political message in what’s only supposed to be a blockbuster.”
A lot of comic book films, blockbusters or fantasies since, say, Minority Report, now seem to (as Sunday Times critic Cosmo Landesman would say) “think they have a brain and can talk about the things that really matter”. Examples? Collateral, Batman Begins, Casino Royale (Violence only brings more violence, filthy lives have filthy consequences). And now The Bourne trilogy. Especially this one.
Now these are genuinely good films, and you don’t have to rely on the message to enjoy them - as opposed to the more obvious message films - Clooney’s political films, Spielberg’s history films, The Constant Gardener, Crash, Paul Greengrass’s very own United 93, etc.,etc.
But that doesn’t mean that they’re free of flaws. But we like to believe that they are, sure, because everyone wants to believe there’s nothing wrong with their favourite films, don’t they?
Rod, I shudder to think of the flame war that would be generated on this site if you abridged a genuinely revered classic from the past… But I think I would be interested in seeing how it turned out.
November 10th, 2007 at 8:05 amPlot holes can usually be papered over if you care enough about the movie to do it. Example - you could easily say that Matt Damon knows the government will bug the phone because the series had already shown on multiple occasions that their policies are ingrained in him like instinct. He knows without knowing, and that’s why he’s always one step ahead. The problem is, you’ve got to think about that stuff to be able to insert it into the movie and explain the plot holes away. Ideally, we shouldn’t have to do that. We should just be able to watch the thing and have everything explained there and then, even if that’s just done by referencing previous movies in the trilogy.
November 13th, 2007 at 2:55 pmhilarious! hahaha i like this script heh..
November 19th, 2007 at 8:46 pm[…] “movies in a minute” and “movies with bunnies”. Behold his takes on The Bourne Ultimatum, The Departed and […]
November 30th, 2007 at 9:28 pmRod I totally get the point about Psychic counter surveillance. I thing the term is called redundancy. Taking so many precautions that a whole series of things would have to go wrong for you to get in trouble and not just sometimes. Always. 95% of what you do turns out to be completely unnecessary but you never find out which particular 5% saved your life. You just know that you’re still alive.
Its like locking your front door at night. Does a burgler come and test it every night to see if he can rob you? No. It’s straightforward precaution we all take. In a dangerous job precautions are more elaborate. In a dangerous neighborhood you put a chain and a bolt on the door as well.
(Rod is too cool to make dorky analogies like this but I know some of you out there crave explanations)
Being the last film in the series, Rod could also have pointed out the ways in which the formula is now painfully obvious.
December 8th, 2007 at 11:10 amExample
Interior. Gritty-But-Mundane Place. Day. An brooding athletic looking man is doing nothing in particular when his phone beeps. He looks at the text message and silently, menacingly shuts the phone. Clearly a CIA Assassin, he now moves into action.
How many times have we seen this fucking scene? It might actually be more than three.
Hey you all,
December 11th, 2007 at 11:40 pmI just saw the movie, and to be honest with you, although i had great preliminary hopes to believe, it was going to be great (my brother, who i absolutely trust on the movie review spectrum, for the sole purpose, that he is so constantly critical around every piece of fiction we see together(might be that way by himself)); and as well as the first movie concept, that was objectively, but influencingly introduced to us as, alright audience members, you are about to experience a new world of conspiracy theories, wether you like it or not, pretty much i don’t care. I honestly loved that. It had a definitive introduction foresawn to be inspirational. And so, my sensitivity, but self unquestionably character, believed that the series can not go wrong with establishing a proper culmination effort, into what could have been undoubtedly the best binder of movie innovation one can witness. Unfortunately a different director was announced, perhaps because western civiliziation, cohesively emphasized upon a structural undeclared accomodations, of available garbage to pick up the slack. And so my fellow rebel intellectuals, we enter a distinctive breed of movie audience, that will not be fooled by the unimaginable facts that can occur in reality. And since Jason Bourne is so concerned with reality, as he strongly underlines in the diologue with his “newest buddy”, one can only estimate his actions of future formational importance. Unsatisfingly, he comes out as an ignorant selfish volunteer, until the third movie, when he discovers he is an ignorant self centered actor/faker, or better well revolutionist in the human rights aspect of the world. Unfortunately, or predetirmed annoying sequences of NP action, tend to draw the audience into a total chaos, seemingly expected by the filmakers of the following components in the series…given by studio indifference, that is nowdays so common in the modern world. Hopefully there are still people that can see beyond the box of unimportant policies, and realistically prove to us that they mean/intend to give us the truth, and not some societal made up garbage that every sheep in the equation can relate to!!!
Well, emotivelement…
…Either you’re using some kind of language translating software or you have genius far beyond my limited ability to comprehend.
I too, prefer when films have “a proper culmination effort”
What do our “fellow rebel intellectuals” have to say?
December 14th, 2007 at 12:57 pmRead this script way before finally seeing the movie on a long flight.. I should stop doing that and save your scripts for afterwards..
Anyway, unrelated, but also funny: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=wnVJZkDuVBM
(The Sarah Silverman vid ‘Fucking Matt Damon’) ;)
February 15th, 2008 at 3:38 pmJulia Stiles had speaking lines in this movie? She took up a lot of screen time, but i was unaware her face moved in any way other than a blank stare.
April 20th, 2008 at 2:47 am