FADE IN:

INT. DAVID DUCHOVNY'S SECRET HIDEOUT

The ominous X-Files whistle plays, six years after the events of the series finale; former FBI agent GILLIAN ANDERSON now works at a Catholic hospital, and treats a boy with a terminal brain condition. DAVID DUCHOVNY has a beard and cuts newspaper clippings all day.

GILLIAN ANDERSON

David I have been sent by the FBI, they need your help.

The camera slowly reveals the feet, legs, and then the shoulders of this mysterious man no one could have ever guessed would be sitting there.

BEARDED DAVID DUCHOVNY

Eh, What's Up, Doc?

GILLIAN ANDERSON

They are trying to solve a mystery involving people being kidnapped.

(pause)

so this doesn't involve aliens... at all.

BEARDED DAVID DUCHOVNY

Well it would only make sense to go back to the TV shows mythology, such as the alien invasion and colonization of Earth foretold in the series, but who wants that?

GILLIAN ANDERSON

Everyone. But since I haven't worked since 1998 I figure what the fuck.

BEARDED DAVID DUCHOVNY

I knew by the sexy way you walked in here something sexy was about to go down, you see it's a state often confused with simple human intuition in which the brain proceeds to underline transitory human existence unaided by the conscience mind. So as I am a fugitive and the FBI tried to kill me once...

GILLIAN ANDERSON

(flashes her tits)

BEARDED DAVID DUCHOVNY

Ok let's go.

They fly to Washington, D.C. XZIBIT greets them with hostility brought on by... (lost scene).

CUT TO:

INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS

David and Gillian stand outside the meeting room about to go in when suddenly CHRIS CARTER runs on the screen and pisses on a picture of GEORGE W. BUSH. David and Gillian share a smile and enter the room.

AMANDA PEET

(never blinking)

David we need your expertise with the paranormal, we have been led to a dismembered arm by BILLY CONNOLLY, a pedophilia priest who claims God is sending him visions of the crimes.

BEARDED DAVID DUCHOVNY

Sounds hot, but this doesn't seem like the paranormal stuff we are used to, or that any loyal fan would appreciate. It's more supernatural, you're wasting my time and theirs giggity giggity.

AMANDA PEET

Wow you might be right, I am instantly attracted to you, I am infatuated with your mind and would love to further explore this later on in the movie.

They don't.

XZIBIT (O.S.)

Aww Yeeah!

CUT TO:

EXT. WEST VIRGINA

AMANDA PEET and XZIBIT take BILLY CONNOLY and BEARDED DUCHOVNY to the kidnapped agents home, where the former priest overcomes the others disbelief when on his knees in pain, he begins BLEEDING FROM THE EYES. Seriously.

BILLY CONNOLLY

(crying blood)

Why am I in this fucking train wreck!

XZIBIT

Yo this dude is a fake. I see Ketchup packets under his wrist watch and shit.

At this point the audiences, sore from being hit over the head with all the religious allegory still anxiously await the arrival of little green men.

CUT TO:

INT. BEARDED DAVID DUCHOVNYS BED

GILLIAN ANDERSON

Well this must be confusing for everyone.

BEARDED DAVID DUCHOVNY

Yeah, are we together or what? I half expect our son to run in any moment and jump on my balls screaming about Christmas.

GILLIAN ANDERSON

Son? Oh yeah! Well if we don't mention it too much maybe it will just go away.

BEARDED DAVID DUCHOVNY

Like when T-1000 joined the show and set acting back twenty years?

GILLIAN ANDERSON

Exactly. Oh I forgot to tell you that the severed arm found by the FBI contains traces of an animal tranquilizer. What's for breakfast?

BEARDED DAVID DUCHOVNY

(jumping out of bed)

Tranquilizer! Wow! That changes absolutely nothing and explains even less.

We are treated to a musical montage of David shaving his beard to "The Sign" by Ace of Base.

CUT TO:

EXT. CREEPY ASS WOODS

BILLY CONNOLLY

It's here! Here! I feel it! Fuck!

After a grueling nighttime search in the snow, BILLY CONNOLY has lead the FBI to a frozen burial ground of people, body parts, and his career.

XZIBIT

Sheeit! He probably planted these bitches!

GILLIAN ANDERSON

I'm with ICE T on this one, after nine seasons and having been abducted I'm obviously still somewhat cynical when something out of the ordinary happens.

DAVID DUCHOVNY

And on top of all that you have become a whiny pain in the ass that still doesn't even seem to know the man you are with. We may as well reference my sister now to remind the audience that this is an X-Files movie.

GILLIAN ANDERSON

Well this whole situation reminds me of your desire to solve the case of your abducted sister while at the same time I'm displaying my passion for trying to save my patient.

CHRIS CARTER (V.O.)

Message!

It turns out that a 50 year-old gay RUSSIAN disguises as an organ transporter and is part of an illegal organ-snatching ring to save his gay partner by stealing body parts. When that fails, he plans to have his head grafted onto one of the kidnapped woman's body. Seriously.

CUT TO:

EXT: ORGAN DONOR FACILITY

Analysis of the frozen remains eventually leads them to RUSSIAN #1, and his husband RUSSIAN #2. The FBI, which includes XZIBIT raid the facility while DAVID DUCHOVNEY and AMANDA PEET stand outside.

DAVID DUCHOVNY

Remember your nude scene in The Whole Nine Yards? If you place your thumb over the screen and close one eye, it's really not half bad.

AMANDA PEET

Awe, that's so nice of you to say. I think I'm falling in...

Suddenly Russian #1 walks past XZIBIT and the FBI out of the front door. DAVID chases the RUSSIAN to a building construction site where FORKLIFT OPERATORS are busy at work - in the dark.

AMANDA PEET

You go around and cut him off! I'm heading up the shaft!

DAVID DUCHOVNY

(looking directly into the camera)

That's what she said.

The 50 year-old RUSSIAN #1 with no special powers outruns the younger DAVID DUCHOVNEY. He then tosses AMANDA PEET down a shaft several stories high that looks put together by the special effects team from FREE JACK.

CUT TO:

INT: CATHOLIC HOSPITAL

DAVID DUCHOVNY

Gillian I am this close to solving this one, I need you with me. There are mysteries that cannot be solved, events that cannot be explained, and a truth that cannot be ignored.

GILLIAN ANDERSON

You realize the hero in this movie is a retired pedophile priest?

DAVID DUCHOVNY

Ok ignore that.

GILLIAN ANDERSON

David, I love you

(pause)

I think? But I cannot keep exploring the darkness with you. Don't you see that if I don't stop George W. Bush from banning stem cell research the world will end?

DAVID DUCHOVNY

God, I don't remember THE BONE COLLECTOR being this boring or preachy.

It wasn't.

David steals Gillian's car to go investigate further. ALONE. He happens to stumble upon a supply shop in the middle of nowhere at the same time his suspect comes in. He does not call for back up. He follows Russian #1 until he is spotted and run off the road and left for dead.

INT: EAST EUROPEAN BATH HOUSE

David finds a room full of the people he knows to have been abducting and cutting up women for body parts, armed with.... a wrench. That's right, a wrench. He gets his shit fucked up.

CUT TO:

INT: SUV

GILLIAN ANDERSON

Gee, I sure am glad that you were able to show up out of nowhere to come help me find David.

The camera slowly shows a shiny bald head from behind soon revealing MITCH PILEGGI only to give him some of the dumbest lines in the movie.

FANBOYS

Walter Skinner Zomfg! BBQ! STFU! Internet!

MITCH PILEGGI

(with a shit eating grin)

No problem sweetheart.

CUT TO:

INT: EAST EUROPEAN BATH HOUSE

They race to the address, where Mitch Pileggi breaks up the medical procedure before the young woman is beheaded, and Gillan rescues David from being axed to death. She then washes up to fix the girl who has been soaking in filthy Russian bath water.

MITCH PILEGGI

(cradling David Duchovny)

You're alright kid.

DAVID DUCHOVNY

Please tell me it's over.

GILLIAN ANDERSON

Not yet. We still have to batter the audience some more with my difficulties in faith, science, and God working together for the greater good.

CUT TO:

EXT: DAVIDS NOT SO SECRET HIDEOUT

Gillian tells David that Billy Connolly has died. David points out that Billy Connolly died at the same moment that RUSSIAN #2's severed head died due to lack of blood flow to the brain. Somehow he deduces the two men's fates were linked by more than just stupid visions.

GILLIAN ANDERSON

So David what did we learn from this adventure David?

DAVID DUCHOVNY

That with no real mystery to solve, and with no reason to suspect Billy Connolly as an accomplice, which could have been a cool twist; this felt like one big drawn out episode, and by releasing this on the second worst day in the history of cinema to release a film - the week after The Dark Knight; we are sure to please no one.

They embrace again, this time pulling together in a passionately long kiss confusing nerds everywhere.

AUDIENCE

I want to... leave.

CHRIS CARTER

Sorry. I sold the alien mythology script to George Lucas.

END