"I stand corrected, John. Your booger-flicking skills are no longer in question."


The Abridged Script



TOM HANKS attempts to URINATE. It hurts.


I look like Matthew Perry on the poster for this film.


It hurts to piss.

A VERY NICE MAN who happens to be on death row finds a mouse. We develop empathy for him.

A VERY NICE BIG BLACK MAN, MICHAEL DUNCAN, who happens to be on death row is brought into the cell block and cries about being afraid of the dark. We develop empathy for him.

A VERY MEAN GUARD is established repeatedly as a very unpleasant person.

A VERY MEAN MAN who belongs on death row is also brought in. We hate him, too.

He URINATES on one of the guards. Then he scares the EVIL GUARD until he URINATES on himself.


I am intimidating, but looks can be decieving. I am actually a nice guy that was obviously framed.

For about an hour, nothing plot-related happens but we see how a typical 1930's prison cell block operates on a daily basis.

Suddenly, MICHAEL DUNCAN grabs TOM'S CROTCH and heals him. He then spits out the EVIL GERMS or something into the air.



Director....taking....theme....so..... literally....

TOM HANKS can now URINATE just as well as the EVIL GUARD and EVIL INMATE.

TOM HANKS, having had his crotch handled by a very large man, goes home and fucks his wife four times.

Er..is that right?

Yes, it is. Alright, anyway...

THE VERY NICE MAN with the mouse is electrocuted. It goes awry as a result of the hijinks of the EVIL GUARD. The AUDIENCE is bathed in SENTIMENTALITY. We hate the EVIL GUARD, despite his actions being outrageously predictable.

TOM HANKS hatches a plan to bring DUNCAN to a sick woman to heal her.


I will heal her, bosssir.

He heals her and, to thank him, TOM HANKS, drags his ass back to jail.


By the way, I didn't do it. That guy two cells down did it. Weird coincidence, eh?

MICHAEL then passes the black shit into the EVIL GUARD, who shoots the EVIL MAN and then goes to a mental institution.

MICHAEL'S turn to be electrocuted arrives.

MICHAEL, whose initials are J.C., who has healed numerous people during the film, who has given bread to people, and who wears a cross, proceeds to the place where he must die. He is innocent, but many people in the room persecute him and wish him dead. Only a few select people, his followers, truly love him, and it is that love that allows him to get through the ordeal. He boldly sacrifies himself and gives the gift of "life" to TOM HANKS.


Dude, what the fuck? Damned copycat.

THREE HOURS OF OBVIOUS SYMBOLISM having been lethally injected into the AUDIENCE, the film closes and the AUDIENCE members all convert to Christianity.