FADE IN:

INT. CLOONEY CAMPAIGN HQ

GEORGE CLOONEY is talking about his Democratic Primary bid with campaign managers PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN and RYAN GOSLING.

GEORGE CLOONEY

I may be a charming, handsome, educated, rich man but I need help in my bid for Best Director, er President. What's your advice?

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Well since we're going with political drama Oscar bait we should learn a lesson from the failings of Michael Clayton and Frost/Nixon.

RYAN GOSLING

(IQ 145)

It's important to remember that the audience is stupid, so make sure to scrap complex narrative and characters. You can replace them with heavy Shakespearean overtones and annoyingly obvious thematic lighting.

From this point on, every character is side lit in harsh contrast to emphasize THE DICHOTOMY OF MAN.

GEORGE CLOONEY

I'm assuming the unoriginal theme will help as well.

RYAN GOSLING

Sure will! Also, use this plan I have which effectively reinstates the draft for poor people.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Damn. I thought you were supposed to be idealistic and naive but you're a dastardly political genius! What's your character arc exactly?

RYAN GOSLING

I don't have one really. I just get dumber.

RYAN goes back to his office where he is hit on by intern EVAN RACHEL WOOD.

RYAN GOSLING

Hey it's Jennifer Lawson!

(looks at her face)

No wait, you're someone else. Did that just ruin my chances with you?

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

It would if I had any self-respect or dignity. Fortunately for you I'm just a pair of luscious lips to give your tongue a workout. I'm a good kisser too.

RYAN GOSLING

(IQ 125)

Banging an intern seems like a good idea! Go get a hotel. I'll be up in a scene or two.

INT. RESTAURANT

RYAN is having a SECRET MEETING with opposing campaign manager PAUL GIAMATTI in PUBLIC.

PAUL GIAMATTI

Thanks for coming to talk to me even though doing so could get you fired.

RYAN GOSLING

(IQ 106)

Well I'm sure this won't come back to bite me in the ass at the end of the second act. What do you want to talk about?

PAUL GIAMATTI

Clooney's going to lose. I've pulled some strings and my candidate will win the primary and thus the presidency despite his twenty total seconds of screen time.

RYAN GOSLING

What about the Republican candidate?

PAUL GIAMATTI

There aren't any Republicans in this movie. It's all Democrat all the way baby!

RYAN GOSLING

I thought this Hollywood movie featuring politics would be unbiased!

PAUL GIAMATTI

Jesus maybe you're naive as hell after all.

RYAN GOSLING

Hmm maybe. Anyway I'm going to go put the wood in Evan Rachel.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

RYAN and EVAN have BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE SEX that AUDIENCE COMMONERS are forbidden to see.

RYAN GOSLING

Well that was fun. I'd call you a cougar but you're significantly younger than me, so I guess you're the opposite. What do they call that?

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

Jailbait. I said I was twenty earlier but I'm a teenager. Also don't tell my dad about us because he's the DNC Chairman. Huh, I guess you're the one who's been fucked after all!

EVAN's cell phone rings.

RYAN GOSLING

(IQ 65)

Despite this information I'll answer your phone for you! At 2:30 in the morning no less!

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

Wow. I never thought I'd miss having a bit part in True Blood.

RYAN GOSLING

It's a booty call from George Clooney! How could you sleep with him?

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

Is that a serious question? Anyway I need money for an abortion from him. I can't tell my family about it because we're Catholic.

RYAN GOSLING

So being religious steered you away from condoms, the pill, spermicidal lube, pulling out and diaphragms but not abortion? Nice.

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

Hey I'm a good Catholic! Notice the preppiness, lack of self-esteem, and willingness to give absolutely anybody the old hump 'n pump!

RYAN GOSLING

Touche. I'll help you out with the abortion because I like you.

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

Awww thank-

RYAN GOSLING

Objects don't talk Evan.

INT. CLOONEY CAMPAIGN HQ

RYAN STEALS money from the campaign to pay for the OPERATION.

RYAN GOSLING

(IQ 47)

Hey Evan, I've stolen a bunch of money during working hours with lots of people standing around. Now let me drive you straight to the abortion clinic from this office.

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

Boy I hope nobody notices this extremely incriminating trip we're about to make!

Astonishingly, NOBODY DOES. RYAN drops EVAN off to abort what probably would have been the MOST ATTRACTIVE BABY in the UNIVERSE and comes back to meet PHILIP.

RYAN GOSLING

Philip I have something to tell you. I met with Paul Giamatti and learned from him that our campaign is screwed.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

You bastard! You betrayed my trust by meeting with Paul, even though you didn't tell him anything important and actually learned valuable information from him.

(grabs a laptop)

I believe in loyalty above all else. And it's because of this belief that I just went behind your back and Wikileaked about your meeting. You're fired and your career is over. I'm giving your job to Toolie the Intern over there. Fuck off.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

No longer eligible for 16 and Pregnant, EVAN chats with the TOOL INTERN.

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

Hey where's Ryan Gosling? He was supposed to pick me up from the...uh...vacuum cleaner outlet today but he never showed up.

TOOLBAG INTERN

You didn't hear? He got fired! He went on some crazy off-screen rant about how he's going to bring down the campaign for revenge. He said he knew something that would make Clooney ABORT his run for President, which he treats almost like his BABY. I could just KILL MYSELF from anticipation, couldn't you? Anyway, I'll see you later.

EVAN calls RYAN's cell phone and leaves a message.

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

Ryan please don't tell anyone my secret or I'll do something drastic! Also I'm taking silence to mean that you're telling.

(pause)

Well I obviously have no choice. Taking responsibility for my actions would be embarrassing so it's suicide time!

She swallows a bunch of PILLS and DIES. RYAN bursts in.

RYAN GOSLING

Hey Evan! There's a Tylenol sale over at... oh you already know.

INT. CLOONEY CAMPAIGN HQ

Having lost the PARKING SPOT for his DICK, RYAN tries to get his JOB back.

RYAN GOSLING

Hey Paul, can I work for you now?

PAUL GIAMATTI

No. I just wanted to meet with you to get you fired. I don't care about any bombshell information you might have about Clooney either.

RYAN GOSLING

You balding asshole!

PAUL GIAMATTI

That's me. You should stay out of politics Ryan. It's full of jack-offs like me and most of them take themselves too seriously to be in Shoot 'Em Up.

PAUL leaves and RYAN tries to blackmail GEORGE.

RYAN GOSLING

I know you cheated on your wife and tried to get away with it.

GEORGE CLOONEY

I'm a composite of Clinton and Kennedy, of course I fooled around. And besides all you have on me is circumstantial evidence and a motive to screw me over, which I can use to discredit your case. So your blackmailing idea won't ever work. Never in a million years.

RYAN GOSLING

But it might.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Crap, You're right! How about I give you Philip Seymour Hoffman's job and let you tell me how to save the campaign from Paul Giamatti. And you get a White House position when I win.

RYAN GOSLING

(IQ 24)

Great! I'm just glad politicians aren't extremely petty or my making an enemy out of the future President of the United States in order to get job working closely with him for four years would be...

GEORGE CLOONEY

Retarded?

RYAN GOSLING

Yeah! So what'll happen to Philip anyway?

GEORGE CLOONEY

He'll take a stable six figure job in Washington D.C. that comes with full benefits.

RYAN GOSLING

(appalled)

Good God.

GEORGE CLOONEY

I know. But at least with this film done I'm one step closer to becoming a legendary auteur!

SUPERIOR DIRECTOR ALEXANDER PAYNE

Yeah sure. This was your Taxi Driver and Leatherheads was what, your Rashomon? Just stick to acting as long as you promise to stay away from Joel Schumacher.

END