FADE IN:

INT. COPENHAGEN, DENMARK - 1920’S

Happily married painters EDDIE REDMAYNE and ALICIA VIKANDER are PAINTERS who are HAPPILY MARRIED, HAPPILY!

ALICIA VIKANDER

(smiling foolishly)

I love you my dear husband Eddie! Even despite your freakishly pale skin and Joker lips! Also your non-Danishness!

EDDIE REDMAYNE

(grinning foolishly)

Oh but I love you even more wifey Alicia! Especially the fact you’re not a robot and that your last name is surprisingly hard to pronounce correctly! Is it Vike-Ender? Vee-Kandor? Keys? DeWitt? Silverstone? So many possibilities!

ALICIA VIKANDER

(smirking foolishly)

Indeed! It seems like nothing could possibly derail our perfect marital bliss! Say Eddie, I need someone to pose for one of my paintings which are selling worse than Jem and the Hologram tickets, would you mind wearing these comfy stockings and posing for me?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

(snickering foolishly)

Sure thing buttercup!

(slips on stockings)

Hole. Ly. Shit. This... This feels fantastic! It’s like an orgasm on my legs! Does ALL female clothing make you feel like this? WHY HAS NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS??!!

Later they return from a party and start making out.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Oh my God Eddie, you were wearing one of my dresses under your clothes the entire time? ARGH! I’M SO... oddly chill about it.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Really? Because you’re no longer smiling foolishly like before.

ALICIA VIKANDER

I'm just worried those stockings may have been a Horcrux, but I think it's hot. Just not quite as hot as my shadowy vagina. Half the male audience is holding their cell phones up to the screen to get a better look.

ALICIA starts dressing EDDIE up as a woman which inspires her paintings.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Wow Eddie, you’re really getting into this dressing up game.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Uh, yeah. A game. Sure. You had better do my make-up and teach me how to walk in heels. For the "game".

ALICIA VIKANDER

Of course sweetums! When you are a woman I'll even refer to you as your feminine persona “Lili”.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

How are you a real person? Every stick of literature and media that has ever existed tells me you should be crying while beating me over the head with a frying pan drenched in tears, not indulging my cross-dressing.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Apparently the real Gerda Wegener was also into chicks, but “Carole” has already used up all of 2015's lesbian XP points so we’re going with me being “the most awesomest wife in the world”!

They are invited to a party and EDDIE goes as “LILI” and is getting EYE FUCKED by every dude in the place.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Cool! People see me as an attractive woman and not that volume-challenged jerkwad who tried to kill his space mom!

BEN WHISHAW

Hello Eddie, I’m a proper young English lad who finds you insanely alluring. Come, let us go somewhere private so I can smooch your cartoon lips.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Hey wait a second, do you think I’m actually a woman or do you know I have a banana?

BEN WHISHAW

Given the producers cast an openly gay actor as your male love interest I think that pretty much confirms I know you’re packing sausage.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Odd that they neglected to use that same train of thought to cast an actual transgender performer in my role?

BEN WHISHAW

Slow your roll there, PC Police. Hollywood producers are only willing to dispense social justice in casting when it doesn’t directly hurt their bottom line.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Then how do you explain “Annie”?

BEN WHISHAW

Uh... Just shut up and give daddy some sugar.

ALICIA waits until they start playing TONSIL HOCKEY to walk in on them in true 90’S SITCOM FASHION. You can literally hear the canned laughter.

ALICIA VIKANDER

(while chopping a cucumber)

WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA. WHOA. So you like men now?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

No, I love YOU sweetie.

ALICIA VIKANDER

(while dicing a zucchini)

How can I believe that after you let Ben snog you and our sex life has flatlined?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Please, Alicia. Trust me. I’ll never be Lili again, I promise.

ALICIA VIKANDER

(while mincing various other penis-shaped foods)

Oooh you better not! Or shit is going to go DOWN!

ALICIA’S ART BROKER

Hey girl! You know those paintings of “Lili” you drew? They’re selling faster than Steve Harvey piñatas in Colombia! They’re making you hella rich!

ALICIA VIKANDER

Hmm... on second thought maybe Eddie can be Lili for a little while longer? At least until I’ve paid off my student loans and credit card debit.

But the stress of coping with living a double life makes EDDIE sick and he sees a DOCTOR.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Doc, I’m a woman born in a man’s body. How can you help me?

DOCTOR

By shooting radiation at your dick.

They strap EDDIE to a TORTURE TABLE and fire GAMMA RAYS and shit all over his JUNK.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Who the hell ever thought that would work?

DOCTOR

It was the early 20th century. Radiation was our solution to pretty much everything. Cough? Sore throat? Stomach ache? Hangnail? Just shoot radiation at it!

ALICIA VIKANDER

Well I’ve clearly done wrong by Eddie. I need to look up his handsome childhood friend Matthias Schoenaerts for moral support.

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

Hello Alicia. I was the first guy to ever kiss Eddie when we were kids, but don’t let that get in the way of the raging trouser tent I’m pitching for you.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Why am I getting a throwaway love interest? I thought I was only supposed to be the suffering supportive wife, not the cheating hussy looking for some strange.

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

What? You thought we were going to tell a story about a transgender person WITHOUT also focusing on a cis romantic subplot? The alternative would be lunacy! Now allow me to place my dick inside this protective glass case that you can break open in case of a sexual emergency.

They go looking for EDDIE only to find that he has completely transformed into LILI.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Matthias! So good to see you! And you don’t seem the least bit surprised or freaked out to see me made up as a woman!

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

That’s because I’m your friend and I love you for who you are. And not because I want to pork your wife. Definitely not that.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Holy fuck that’s touching. Who knew the 1920s were so progressive and devoid of prejudiced meatheads?

PREJUDICED MEATHEADS

YOU RANG?! YOUR GENDER AMBIGUITY AND FASHIONABLE CHIC ATTIRE OFFENDS US!

They BEAT EDDIE senseless. Distressed, EDDIE seeks out more DOCTORS to help him.

WACKY 1920’S PSYCHIATRIST

Eddie, you’re gay! I recommend that you keep on paying me outrageous fees to not cure your problem one iota!

EDDIE REDMAYNE

(runs to another doctor)

INSANE 1920’S SURGEON

Eddie, you’re schizophrenic! I’ll cure you by drilling holes in your skull Blofeld-style! And if you have stomach cramps or athlete's foot I’ll drill holes in those places too! Drilling holes in people is why I get out of bed in the morning!

EDDIE REDMAYNE

(runs to another doctor)

FAIRLY ACCURATE 1920’S PHYSICIAN

Eddie, you’re gay AND schizophrenic! Now hold still while I strap you into this vintage straight-jacket and lock you up against your will until the end of time!

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Eeee! I must escape while my hat is stylishly tilted to one side!

EDDIE and ALICIA eventually meet DR. SEBASTIAN KOCH.

SEBASTIAN KOCH

Eddie, you’re not crazy. I believe you are indeed a woman inside. I want to give you untried sexual reassignment surgery that involves lopping your dick off.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Sold!

ALICIA VIKANDER

Whoa whoa that means we’ll never be able to have kids.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Awesome! That means I’ll have more time to focus on my new career of vagina having!

ALICIA VIKANDER

Goddamnit Eddie! What about ME? Haven’t you considered what this would do to ME and our life together? Giving up my husband so he can transition into a woman while leaving me behind might actually be breaking my heart just a teensie bit.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

I know Alicia, and that sucks balls for you, but did you hear that I’m getting A FANCY NEW VAGINA! Can’t you just be happy for me at the expensive of your own needs and feelings?

ALICIA VIKANDER

So you’re playing a real person who goes through a major physical change that puts a huge emotional strain on the subject’s wife who’s attracted to a family friend and ultimately gets divorced? When did this become The Theory of Everything 2?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Shit, you’re right. I don’t think Oscar is going to take that bait twice in a row. Is it too late to hire a bear to maul me or something?

ALICIA VIKANDER

Speaking of being mauled, I really hope your operation doesn’t kill you dead. Who developed this revolutionary wang-cutting surgery?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

The Germans! Because OF COURSE the Germans!

EDDIE walks into GERMANY and walks out THEON GREYJOY'D.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Wow, having your junk cut off seems about as painful has having your teeth cleaned and heals up in less than one scene transition.

SEBASTIAN KOCH

Now remember Eddie, that was only the first of two surgeries, the second of which has a high risk of award nominations so be prepared for a melodramatic death scene.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Another surgery? That sounds expensive. Who’s paying for all this?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

You are! You’re supporting the both of us now that I’ve completely given up my lucrative painting career and started working the checkout counter at J.C. Penney.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Uh... listen Eddie, I get that you’re going through a life changing event in order to become your true self, but for someone who has no dick you are being kind of a huge one.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

True, but know that I couldn’t have gotten this far without you, my one true love.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Awww! You’re so sweet! I’ll suffer for you, Eddie!

EDDIE REDMAYNE

I will honor your devotion by shoving my relationship with Ben right in your goddamn face.

ALICIA VIKANDER

OH WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! Sexual emergency time!

(breaks open glass case containing Matthias’s cock)

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

Aw yeah! Giggity giggity!

ALICIA VIKANDER

Wait, I changed my mind. I can’t bring myself to cheat on Eddie. Loyal... wife... cliche... too... strong...

(eats Häagen-Dazs while listening to Adele instead)

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

Drat! I suppose I’ll continue waiting in the wings for you, as I don’t appear to have a family, job, or any kind of life outside of getting into Alicia’s Vikander.

EDDIE prepares for his final HIGH RISK SURGERY, the details of which probably involve some kind of WITCHCRAFT for all the information we’re given.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

I had better start making post-surgery plans! Like moving to Montana and marrying a round American man and eating rabbits and driving a pickup truck from state to state without papers and

(dies instantly)

ALICIA VIKANDER

Wait, how exactly did Eddie die? He was just laying down and then suddenly pulled that “lost the will to live” Padmé bullshit. There weren’t even any doctors or nurses around to try and revive him.

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

Well look on the bright side. We’re a high profile entity with a topical transgender story. We should be getting tons of awards and accolades simply for existing and not for doing much else.

CAITLYN JENNER

Hey it worked for me.

END