FADE IN:

EXT. A ROAD NEAR THE BEACH

JASON PATRIC is chasing a truck on his motorcycle.

JASON PATRIC

Look just how cool and tough I am. And better looking than Keanu Reeves.

AUDIENCE

And you're a better actor too.

JAN DE BONT

This sequence is so good! Though totally unimportant to the plot it gives you an adrenaline rush, at least to the 8-12 year old part of the male audience.

EXT. A BIG CRUISE SHIP IN THE CARIBBEAN

SANDRA BULLOCK

How did we get here?

JASON PATRIC

I dunno, must've been my motorcycle stunt didn't pay off so I had to buy you a cruseliner ticket so we can have a romantic week on the sea. And besides, the title suggests the plot revolves around a cruiseliner out of control.

SANDRA BULLOCK

I guess I'm with you instead of Keanu now. You're a cop right?

JASON PATRIC

Yeah, I'm a cop, as were the other twelve boyfriends you went through between Keanu and I. Just curious, was your dad a cop?

SANDRA BULLOCK

Yeah, why?

INT. A ROOM ON THE SHIP

WILLEM DAFOE

I'm so evil. And crazy too, look at me putting these leeches on my body.

AUDIENCE

Oh, he's so evil. And crazy too! Look at him putting those slimy black patches on his body.

EXT. SHIP'S DECK

WILLEM DAFOE

Hehe, I'm gonna ram this ship in a tanker, now that I took over the control over it.

CAPTAIN

Who are you? What are you doing here?

WILLEM DAFOE

Oh that really pisses me off! You don't know who I am! You don't know that I developed the navigation systems for this ship and then I got laid off. So, you see, I'm not a faceless criminal who wants to kill people for fun, I have my reasons.

AUDIENCE

...however dumb those reasons are...

EXT. SHIP

JASON PATRIC realizes the ship is going to ram into the tanker.

JASON PATRIC

Gotta stop this ship, gotta go under the water and stop the propeller. So now I'll jump into this pool where we're filming this scene, audience won't notice the water around here is still.

JAN DE BONT

Oh, what a feeling of speed! I'm a genius!

WILLEM DAFOE

You're coming with me.

He grabs SANDRA BULLOCK.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Fine by me, maybe that way I'll actually get to be in the spotlight of this movie. Then again, maybe I won't.

WILLEM DAFOE gets of the ship on a speedboat, taking SANDRA BULLOCK with him.

EXT. THE SHIP IS ON IT'S WAY TO RAM INTO THE TANKER

JASON PATRIC

I'll save us, I'll make this multi- thousand-ton ship turn for 90 degrees with my bare hands.

PASSENGERS

Or we could all just jump off the ship but you're right, go save us, that will be more dramatic.

EXT. SHIP

The ship doesn't ram the tanker but brushes of its side so ILM can show their work on the trailer upon which Speed 2: Cruise control was made.

AUDIENCE

(waking up)

What the...? That was the cool lookin' shot from the trailer...and we slept right through it...

INT. SHIP

PASSENGER

(looking at something, terrified)

Oh shit!

ANOTHER PASSENGER

Oh shit!

ANOTHER PASSENGER

Oh shit!

YET ANOTHER PASSENGER

Oh shit!

SHIP OFFICER WITH AN EXTREMELY ANNOYING ACCENT

Oh shait!

AUDIENCE

Oh shit! Stop that already!

EXT. SHIP

Ship rams into the countless boats and yachts in the harbor..

THEN it continues towards the docks, ramming into them..

THEN rams into the houses, wreaking havoc, then rams into...

Oh, then it runs aground.

SHIP OFFICER WITH AN EXTREMELY ANNOYING ACCENT

15 knots, 14 knots, 13 knots...funny how the speed decreases linearly. But the audience won't notice that.

PROJECTIONIST IN THE THEATRE

You're right, they all left half an hour ago.

The ship travels a couple of hundred yards more on the ground, just to make things more believable.

SHIP OFFICER WITH AN EXTREMELY ANNOYING ACCENT

5 knots, 4 knots...

Ship lays motionless in the rubble of the nearby houses.

SHIP OFFICER WITH AN EXTREMELY ANNOYING ACCENT

3 knots, 2 knots, 1 knot...whaddaya know, we actually stopped.

JASON PATRIC

Thanks to my heroic efforts!

(pause)

Oh wait, I failed completely and we ran into this entire town and basically destroyed it. It's only by fluke that nobody was killed. I suck.

(pause)

Gotta save my girl.

He steals a boat and goes after the hydroplane which is just taking off carrying WILLEM DAFOE and SANDRA BULLOCK. Then he gets onboard and gives a big, wet one to SANDRA BULLOCK. WILLEM DAFOE politely waits for them to finish their kiss then tries to fight JASON PATRIC. JASON PATRIC saves his girl and two of them get off the plane just a second before it hits a pole on the deck of the tanker.

WILLEM DAFOE

Oh, I'm still alive. Everything is gonna be alright, there's no way the whole tanker is going to explode just because I rammed into the pole with my plane.

EXT. TANKER

The whole vessel blows up, sending hundreds of CG debris in the air.

JAN DE BONT

Whoa! Am I the greatest or what? This must've been the biggest non-nuclear explosion ever seen on the big screen.

WOLFGANG PETERSEN

Man, you suck. My explosion in 'Outbreak' was way bigger than that.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Oh, do I finally get a line here? This must've been the easiest earned $10 million in my life. Julia Roberts eat your heart out!

BILL MECHANIC, FOX CEO

On what did we spend $100 million plus...Thank God we had SE Star Wars to milk out some geek money earlier this year or I'd be out of my job now.

END