The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. BAR
A BLACK MAN is killed. SAMUEL investigates.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Look, I'm an evil, white, upper-class yuppie! Again!
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
I see you have blood on your finger. You must be one guilty motherfucker.
CHRISTIAN BALE
I swear, Sam, I thought he was Jared Leto!
SAMUEL kicks CHRISTIAN in the FACE.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Ow! Holy shit that fucking hurt! Don't I have rights?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Shut the fuck up.
(slaps him)
You're guilty, and the audience knows it, so I can kick your fucking ass and not look like a jerk for it, you motherfucking fuck fucker of fuck.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Jesus, man! Isn't Shaft supposed to be calm and confident instead of angry and explosive?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Shut the fuck up! I'm Sam Jackson! Nobody wants to see me be anything but pissed off! Did you fucking see pulp fiction, you honkey motherfucker?
CHRISTIAN is taken to court.
INT. COURT
The pathetic American Justice system FAILS.
EXT. CITY
SAMUEL catches CHRISTIAN having sex with six-year-old black girls.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Yer dead this time motherfucker. I caught you and you're going down!
INT. COURT
The pathetic American Justice system FAILS. Again.
INT. POLICE STATION
SAMUEL, angered at our PATHETIC LEGAL SYSTEM, quits the force but also gets thrown off too. He then becomes a private detective dealing solely with racial matters.
VANESSA WILLIAMS
Sam, we need you to help us catch Christian Bale.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
It's my duty to please that booty. Seriously. I've been assigned to booty patrol, it's out of my hands now.
VANESSA WILLIAMS
Come on, Sam! You need to help!
RICHARD ROUNDTREE
Hey everyone! I'm here for the world's longest and most extended "cameo"! Sam, don't give up on the justice system just because it repeatedly fails you without remorse. You have to catch that honkey bastard!
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Alright! I'll do it! Motherfucker! I will enlist the help of Busta Rhymes!
BUSTA RHYMES
Cha cha cha, yo. I came to New York to avoid that old pasty white guy that followed me around in mountain dew commercials.
INT. DRUG HQ
JEFFERY WRIGHT
Mafiyaaumanlaedefa.
CHRISTIAN BALE
You want me to sell drugs for you?
JEFFERY WRIGHT
Lasifamaaspilatina.
CHRISTIAN BALE
No way. I do want to pay you to find some chick who saw me kill that black guy that looked like Jared Leto though.
JEFFERY WRIGHT
Ralassae! Winatalocamia.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Her name is Toni Collette. I suggest hiring two corrupt cops to help you.
DAN HADEYA
Hey. Anyone see the Hurricane? I'm the master of playing corrupt cops in movies about racism.
SAMUEL outsmarts the CORRUPT COPS and JEFFERY WRIGHT. He then tracks down TONI COLLETTE.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Testify against Christian Bale.
TONI COLLETTE
No.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Testify!
TONI COLLETTE
No!
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Perhaps I can convince that I can be trusted by allowing your brother to be stabbed. Then when he's on the ground helpless, we can speed away in a car driven by Rap Masta Busta Rhymes. This can bring us on an absurdly dangerous chase that ends with you being injured and getting all of us almost killed.
He does this.
TONI COLLETTE
Ok, I will testify now that you have shown me just how lucky you can get as long as you're the title character.
INT. COURT
The pathetic American Justice system FAILS. Again.
DIRECTOR JOHN SINGLETON
The court system sucks. Problems can only be solved using vigilante-style justice.
END