FADE IN:

INT. BAR

A BLACK MAN is killed. SAMUEL investigates.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Look, I'm an evil, white, upper-class yuppie! Again!

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

I see you have blood on your finger. You must be one guilty motherfucker.

CHRISTIAN BALE

I swear, Sam, I thought he was Jared Leto!

SAMUEL kicks CHRISTIAN in the FACE.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Ow! Holy shit that fucking hurt! Don't I have rights?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Shut the fuck up.

(slaps him)

You're guilty, and the audience knows it, so I can kick your fucking ass and not look like a jerk for it, you motherfucking fuck fucker of fuck.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Jesus, man! Isn't Shaft supposed to be calm and confident instead of angry and explosive?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Shut the fuck up! I'm Sam Jackson! Nobody wants to see me be anything but pissed off! Did you fucking see pulp fiction, you honkey motherfucker?

CHRISTIAN is taken to court.

INT. COURT

The pathetic American Justice system FAILS.

EXT. CITY

SAMUEL catches CHRISTIAN having sex with six-year-old black girls.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Yer dead this time motherfucker. I caught you and you're going down!

INT. COURT

The pathetic American Justice system FAILS. Again.

INT. POLICE STATION

SAMUEL, angered at our PATHETIC LEGAL SYSTEM, quits the force but also gets thrown off too. He then becomes a private detective dealing solely with racial matters.

VANESSA WILLIAMS

Sam, we need you to help us catch Christian Bale.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

It's my duty to please that booty. Seriously. I've been assigned to booty patrol, it's out of my hands now.

VANESSA WILLIAMS

Come on, Sam! You need to help!

RICHARD ROUNDTREE

Hey everyone! I'm here for the world's longest and most extended "cameo"! Sam, don't give up on the justice system just because it repeatedly fails you without remorse. You have to catch that honkey bastard!

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Alright! I'll do it! Motherfucker! I will enlist the help of Busta Rhymes!

BUSTA RHYMES

Cha cha cha, yo. I came to New York to avoid that old pasty white guy that followed me around in mountain dew commercials.

INT. DRUG HQ

JEFFERY WRIGHT

Mafiyaaumanlaedefa.

CHRISTIAN BALE

You want me to sell drugs for you?

JEFFERY WRIGHT

Lasifamaaspilatina.

CHRISTIAN BALE

No way. I do want to pay you to find some chick who saw me kill that black guy that looked like Jared Leto though.

JEFFERY WRIGHT

Ralassae! Winatalocamia.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Her name is Toni Collette. I suggest hiring two corrupt cops to help you.

DAN HADEYA

Hey. Anyone see the Hurricane? I'm the master of playing corrupt cops in movies about racism.

SAMUEL outsmarts the CORRUPT COPS and JEFFERY WRIGHT. He then tracks down TONI COLLETTE.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Testify against Christian Bale.

TONI COLLETTE

No.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Testify!

TONI COLLETTE

No!

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Perhaps I can convince that I can be trusted by allowing your brother to be stabbed. Then when he's on the ground helpless, we can speed away in a car driven by Rap Masta Busta Rhymes. This can bring us on an absurdly dangerous chase that ends with you being injured and getting all of us almost killed.

He does this.

TONI COLLETTE

Ok, I will testify now that you have shown me just how lucky you can get as long as you're the title character.

INT. COURT

The pathetic American Justice system FAILS. Again.

DIRECTOR JOHN SINGLETON

The court system sucks. Problems can only be solved using vigilante-style justice.

END