FADE IN:

EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN

The camera pans down through OCEAN DEBRIS to reveal what is either a DIMENSIONAL RIFT or the REGENCY ENTERPRISES LOGO.

CHARLIE HUNNAM (V/O)

Everything changed when giant alien monsters from the deep began attacking our coastal cities. The governments of Earth had no choice but to unite against this common, otherworldly threat.

(pause)

After checking that Ozymandias wasn't behind it, they built giant robots to stop the aliens. We called the monsters "Kaiju" to reflect how the Japanese saw this coming a LOOOOONG time ago, and we called the robots "Jaegers" because despite not being on the Pacific, the Germans really really wanted to contribute something.

(pause)

I should point out that choosing to watch this movie means implicitly signing on to the whole "giant robots fight giant monsters" premise, so I don't wanna hear any Neil Degrasse Tysons out there complaining about square-cube laws or height-mass ratios or anything. That is OUT OF BOUNDS.

INT. JAEGER BASE - ALASKA

CHARLIE and his brother DIEGO KLATENHOFF are jolted awake by the ALARM!

LOUDSPEAKER

Red alert! Kaiju incoming! Pay attention crew, even though we've been fighting these things one at a time every few months, we must give it a silly nickname to avoid confusion! And since two million lives are hanging in the balance, we're calling it 'Poopy Face'.

CHARLIE and DIEGO rush into their robot's HEAD MODULE, which is then DROPPED down a THIRTY-STOREY SHAFT onto the ROBOT BODY just to add a crapload of extra moving parts to the whole process ANY ONE OF WHICH would fuck everything all to shit if it malfunctioned during a crisis situation, also known as THE ONLY SITUATION THEY'RE EVER USED IN.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Jaeger Mark III codename DOLBY BLASTER is armed and ready! Cranking theatre speakers to twelve... NOW!

CUE: LOUD MUSIC PLUS LOUD ROBOT F/X PLUS LOUD OCEAN WAVES TIMES LOUD TO THE POWER OF LOUD

They HEAD OUT into the OCEAN to KICK MONSTER ASS, but the situation is complicated by the presence of a CRAB-FISHING BOAT and its accompanying FLEET OF TELEVISION PRODUCTION VESSELS, since the existence of colossal ocean monsters has turned DEADLIEST CATCH into THE MOST HIGHLY RATED TV SHOW OF ALL GODDAMN TIME.

DIEGO KLATTENHOFF

Command says forget the boats, we need to get the giant punching started, stat!!

CHARLIE HUNNAM

No, we can't disregard even a handful of innocent lives! At least not until later in the movie when we disregard thousands. Quick, grab the fishing boat so we can whip it about a hundred feet in the air, for their own safety!

ROUND ONE begins! They PUNCH THE FUCK out of the KAIJU and ELBOW BASH it and LEG DROP it and REVERSE HALF NELSON it before wrapping things up with their PHOTON BLASTER GUN which you'd think would rank higher on the list of attack options.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Well it's dead. Guess we can turn around and head home...

KAIJU

(still alive)

NOPE!! CHUCK TESTA!!

DIEGO KLATTENHOFF

OH SHIT REVERSE-MEME ATTACK!!

CHARLIE HUNNAM

You REALLY gotta love how we made all our sensors forward-facing to mimic those of a human for NO DAMN REASON.

The KAIJU remembers it has GIANT CLAWS and starts TEARING THE CRAP out of DOLBY BLASTER! It rips open the HEAD MODULE and flings DIEGO to his death!

CHARLIE HUNNAM

NOOOOOOO!! Oh, why did we put the command module in the exposed head area, and not fortified deep inside the torso?! Curse our fetish for anthropomorphizing every last detail!!!

DOLBY BLASTER staggers weakly to a BEACH, drops to its knees, and COLLAPSES. Then CHARLIE staggers weakly out of it, drops to his knees, and COLLPASES. Then an ALASKAN KING CRAB staggers weakly from out of CHARLIE'S suit, drops to its knees, and COLLAPSES.

INT. MILITARY BASE - FIVE YEARS LATER

Chief Jaegermeister IDRIS ELBA addresses a GIANT BANK OF MONITORS.

NOT MITT ROMNEY

(on monitor)

I'm sorry but we're defunding the Jaeger program. Since the Kaiju are making mincemeat of our most advanced technology, we're going to revert to our most primitive technology, and build a giant wall. This way the Pacific can gradually fill up with huge rampaging monsters and everything will be fine.

IDRIS ELBA

That... that's astonishingly stupid. You're not relying ONLY on that, right? The air force can still help to...

NOT MITT ROMNEY

Nope, we're building them directly into the wall. Those fighter jets make great crossbeams.

IDRIS ELBA

What about tanks? Ground forces?

NOT MITT ROMNEY

They are also being made into wall.

IDRIS ELBA

But surely you have the world's best scientists working on...

NOT MITT ROMNEY

Wall.

(pause)

Look, Idris, it's the only way to stop the Kaiju from inflicting yet more catastrophic-yet-easily-repairable damage on our strangely non-abandoned cities.

IDRIS ELBA

And to think we know where the rift is, but have to wait till they're almost at shore. Hey, what if we created a military force that could fight... ON the water?!

NOT MITT ROMNEY

(laughing)

That's absurd! What would you even CALL that... the Turquoise? Cyan? Teal? Ha ha ha! Anyway gotta go, we have Nick Fury on line three.

EXT. WALL-BUILDING SITE

CHARLIE is helping to build the DUMB-ASS WALL while re-creating famous STOCK PHOTOS of the 1930s. On the news, he sees that the wall around SYDNEY has been made a KAIJU'S BITCH, but sadly the GOVERNMENT FOLK are OUT OF SCENES and therefore powerless to adjust their plans in any way. A HELICOPTER arrives, carrying IDRIS.

IDRIS ELBA

Greetings. My character's name is Stacker Pentecost, because the writers confused me with one of the robots. I need your help.

(grimly)

I realize you've been laying low since saving those workers at sea, taking random shift work to remain anonymous under that scraggly beard. But it's time to come out of hiding and save all humanity from an alien invasion.

HENRY CAVILL

(stepping forward)

I'm afraid the world isn't READY for...

IDRIS ELBA

I was talking to Charlie.

HENRY CAVILL

Oh, sorry.

(fucks off)

CHARLIE HUNNAM

And why do you need MY help exactly?

IDRIS ELBA

Because you're the last pilot alive who can operate the Mark III. Now come with me so I can match you with one of two dozen trainees who are all qualified to operate the Mark III.

EXT. HONG KONG -- WAIT, NOT TOKYO? HUH. OKAY THEN

IDRIS and CHARLIE land outside an ENORMOUS HANGAR BAY.

IDRIS ELBA

We call this the Shatterdome because every robot we build here is inevitably shattered into a zillion pieces. And this young lady with the umbrella is Rinko.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

(engorged)

You handle that stiff rod very well.

RINKO KIKUCHI

Stop it, you're making me blush. In the labia.

IDRIS ELBA

AHEM COUGH COUGH MOVING ON and look, it's the fully-reconstructed Dolby Blaster!

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Really? You rebuilt an outdated Mark III when the only remaining pilot was a washed-up burnout? Why not build a new Mark V, or fuck it, eight stealth bombers?

IDRIS ELBA

Nobody came here to see plausible military tactics, Charlie. Anyway over here are the other surviving robots: the Russian Mark I VODKA COMRADE, the Chinese Mark IV BAMBOO NOODLE, and the Australian Mark V DINGO BARBIE.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Hold on, you mean... NONE of the others made it? What about Maple Beaver? Siesta Pesos? Miner Rescue? ...oh no, not even Rugby Hobbit?! WHAT DID THOSE BASTARDS DO TO RUGBY HOBBIT

IDRIS ELBA

(shaking him)

GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF MAN. They're all gone! Hosed! Pinataed! Red-carded! Sheared! This is all that's left.

RINKO KIKUCHI

I always wondered why we built dozens of monster-sized robots along the coastlines, instead of a couple enormo-sized robots right next to the rift to play Whack-a-Kaiju with whatever stuck its head out.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

You might as well ask why we never used the months between attacks to bury the rift under a few million tons of rubble.

RINKO KIKUCHI

(sighs)

Typical man-planning, why use a MaxiPad when you can wipe blood off your shoes all day. Amirite, ladies? Ladies?...

(looks around)

Holy fuck are there any other women here at all.

Behind her LADY RUSSKIE PILOT waves in the far, far background.

IDRIS ELBA

Ah yes, waaaay over there is one of the two horrible dye-jobs that run Vodka Comrade. Meanwhile Dingo Barbie has a father/son crew of semi-characters, and the pilots of Bamboo Noodle are in existence somewhere. You guys getting all this?

CHARLIE HUNNAM

(eye-humping Rinko)

Sorry sir, it's taking every last ounce of my self-control not to whip my dick out so hard I throw my back out.

RINKO KIKUCHI

(eye-grinding Charlie)

Meanwhile I'm so wet I should be in a scuba suit.

IDRIS ELBA

NO NO NO NO NO. This way, I'm taking you to the least sexy room here!

INT. SCIENCE ROOM

IDRIS introduces alleged scientists CHARLIE DAY and BURN GORMAN who when feverish is a SICK BURN. And if he puts on a wig he's got RUG BURN. And when he announces something it's a BURN NOTICE. (For more visit www.nothingbutburngormanjokesplusmilfs.net)

CHARLIE DAY

I have a number of theories about the aliens which I must talk about REALLY FAST AND LOUD BECAUSE THIS MOVIE CANNOT STOP BEING LOUD

BURN GORMAN

Whereas I have scientifically deduced that the next attack will have THREE aliens. Not one, not two, but THREE!

(pause)

And I'm done.

IDRIS ELBA

Excellent work gentlemen! Now if you'll excuse me.

IDRIS goes to the ELEVATOR and we ZOOM IN on him PICKING HIS NOSE IN SUPER IMAX AVX DIGITAL REAL3D!

IDRIS ELBA

Mm-mmm, gettin' me some TASTY nuggets... oh wait, this is a Nosebleed of Imminent Death moment. Oops.

INT. TRAINING ROOM - THE NEXT MORNING ... WHICH IS STILL IN HONG KONG AND NOT TOKYO BY THE WAY, JUST SAYIN'

IDRIS and RINKO watch as CHARLIE screens a bunch of CO-PILOT CANDIDATES using QUARTERSTAFF DUELS, because OBVIOUSLY.

CANDIDATE

If it's so hard to find compatible co-pilots, wouldn't it make sense to match people up first and THEN train them? Why aren't we all paired up already?

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Eh, screw you guys anyway. I want to test my pole on Rinko.

RINKO KIKUCHI

I think you'll find my pole-handling skills most gratifying.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

A-ha, I've got my firm, quivering pole up against your face! Take that! Now let's start over but with weapons.

IDRIS ELBA

GODDAMN IT ALREADY YOU TWO. FINE, WHATEVER, you're co-pilots. SATISFIED?!? Wait, don't answer that. Go do a test run. OF THE ROBOT.

INT. DOLBY BLASTER CONTROL MODULE

CHARLIE HUNNAM

As you know, our robots are so complex they need two pilots: a right-hemisphere and a left-hemisphere. So one pilot handles tactics, strategy, and maneuvering, while the other does artistic expression and poems and shit. We link, or "drift", together using a "neural handshake", though since it involves the complete merging of our minds, it's more accurately called a "neural crotchswallow".

(pause)

So now we'll synchronize our brains so that we move together except when we move separately to push buttons and shit, and think together except when we talk back and forth.

They begin the TEST RUN but RINKO has a FLASHBACK!!

RINKO KIKUCHI

Argh, the neural crotchswallow is making my memories too vivid! I'm remembering being terrorized by a Kaiju and wishing REALLY HARD that I had some kind of Iron-Man-style palm-mounted blaster weapon! I sure hope I'm not linked to one in real life right now!!

RINKO almost FRAGS EVERYBODY but luckily the ENTIRE ROBOT is being powered by a SINGLE ELECTRIC CORD so somebody unplugs it and they're fine.

INT. BARRACKS

CHARLIE is confronted by AUSSIE PILOT ROBERT KAZINSKY.

ROBERT KAZINSKY

Grr, you're too dangerous, Maverick! No wonder you got your driftman killed!

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Screw you, Ozman! Let's slug it out and risk incapacitating a quarter of our entire fighting force!

IDRIS ELBA

(barging in)

That's enough! You're grounded, Charlie! Plus you can't see Rinko anymore! And no Netflix for a week!

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Why are you so upset? It can't just be that we almost killed everyone in the hangar bay and doomed humanity. There's gotta be something else on your mind. It's Rinko, isn't it?

IDRIS ELBA

(sighs)

Very well, I shall reveal the astonishing secret of how a Kaiju-fighting, battle-weary soldier could possibly feel fatherly protectiveness towards Rinko. Which is, that I rescued her from a Kaiju in battle and now feel fatherly and protective.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

(jaw dropping)

WHHAAAAAAAA?!?!???

INT. SCIENCE ROOM -- STILL IN HONG KONG ... I MEAN HONG KONG IS GREAT AND ALL BUT GIVEN THE MOVIE'S HUGE DEBT TO JAPANESE MONSTER MOVIES I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THERE'D BE MORE, Y'KNOW, JAPAN

CHARLIE DAY

Dammit Idris, I can only learn so much from these horribly damaged alien brain fragments we recovered. I need a proper alien brain to work with!

IDRIS ELBA

Well I happen to know you can get lots of intact alien parts from Ron Perlman, which I haven't mentioned ever before because I hate research and knowledge and having things. You should go see him.

CHARLIE DAY

Er, can't we send one of your 3,000 extras? Y'know, those guys that do nothing but form crowd scenes and listen to rousing speeches?

IDRIS ELBA

No, I think it's better to send one of the only two non-walled scientists on Earth to the most seedy and dangerous part of the city. Now to find him, you must use this tiny UV flashlight to find tiny invisible-ink codes hidden somewhere in downtown Hong Kong and its 98,354,271 flat surfaces. Good luck!

Against all odds, CHARLIE DAY tracks down RON PERLMAN and his SILLY SHOES and gets an ALIEN BRAIN from him. He does not however find a SINGLE REASON why his entire subplot is better than there being an intact ALIEN BRAIN back at HQ in the first place.

INT. WAR ROOM

CLIFTON COLLINS JR., head of RADIOCOMMUNICATIONS and DOCTOR WHO COSPLAY, sees something on the RADAR!

CLIFTON COLLINS JR.

Oh crap guys, more Kaiju just came through the rift, and they're only minutes away! Funny how no matter what country we're in, the rift is always minutes away because the Pacific Ocean has shrunk to the size of Lake Michigan apparently.

IDRIS ELBA

Send Vodka Comrade and Bamboo Noodle to intercept! And be sure to equip them with nationalistic theme music to help the audience distinguish them!

CLIFTON COLLINS JR.

Awright!! Now that we've spent all this time building up how awesome these robots are, we finally get to see them kick some serious ass!

The BATTLE BEGINS and roughly TEN SECONDS later, the KAIJU cut VODKA COMRADE and LOTUS NOODLE in HALF with their COCKS. Then they LET RIP a GIGANTIC E.M.P. FART that shuts down DINGO BARBIE and THE ENTIRE COMMAND BASE!

IDRIS ELBA

My God but we suck.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Don't worry! We can still use Dolby Blaster because its nuclear core generates power in the form of steampunk and wishes.

IDRIS ELBA

What about all the equipment that drops the head module onto the body and...

CHARLIE HUNNAM

C'MON RINKO LET'S GO!!

DOLBY BLASTER TO THE RESCUE! They ROCKET-PUNCH ONE KAIJU TO FUCKING PULP but another KAIJU grabs DOLBY BLASTER and sprouts WINGS!!

FLYING KAIJU

Oh, and fuck your wall, by the way.

The KAIJU begins carrying DOLBY BLASTER into ORBIT!

RINKO KIKUCHI

Godammit, why don't our robots fly? Or swim? Or have long-range weapons? Or be designed to have any advantage at all over our enemies?

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Beats me. Well, I guess we should prepare to die.

RINKO KIKUCHI

Guess so.

(pause)

Hey, what about this "sword" button I just noticed. Should we try it?

CHARLIE HUNNAM

I dunno, if it activated an awesome or primary weapon or something, you think someone would have mentioned it before.

RINKO KIKUCHI

Well this may be only a desperate gamble, what with all the synchronized sword training we did, but I think we have to risk this zillion-to-one longshot. Here goes nothing!

She pushes the BUTTON and a HUGE FUCKING EXTENDO-SWORD emerges from DOLBY BLASTER and they CUT THE KAIJU IN FUCKING HALF with it!

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Wow, this thing is WAY useful. We should have used this AGES ago!

(pause)

So do you see a giant-parachute button anywhere?

They DO NOT and SLAM RIGHT INTO THE FUCKING GROUND but it's ASTROTURF so they're fine. DOLBY BLASTER gets up and plays a bit of HIDE AND GO SEEK with the last KAIJU by tiptoeing around SKYSCRAPERS.

RINKO KIKUCHI

Would be nice to have basic radar in this thing...

KAIJU

(plowing through entire building)

FUCK YOU AVENGERS WE CAN DESTROY WAY MORE THAN YOUUUU!!!!

The KAIJU throws DOLBY BLASTER into the ocean! But DOLBY comes back dragging a SHIPPING TANKER!

CHARLIE HUNNAM

I sure hope everybody left this tanker before we grabbed it. Hey, wouldn't it be hilarious if there were crewmen aboard who are relatives of that fishing boat I saved in the opening sequence? HA HA HA SMASHIE SMASHIE!!!!

DOLBY WINS and returns to a CHEERING CROWD!

ROBERT KAZINSKY

Awesome job Maverick! You can be my driftman ANYTIME!

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Bullshit. You can be MINE.

(laughs)

So what's our next move, Idris? I assume we have something clever and original to spring on...

IDRIS ELBA

Not really, we're going to have Dingo Barbie carry a nuclear warhead into the alien nerve centre because that is LITERALLY the only plan anyone uses anymore.

RINKO KIKUCHI

Why is one of our last two robots the delivery system, when we'll likely need both of them to fight off defending Kaiju?

IDRIS ELBA

Well, to do it another way would require some kind of military vehicle capable of operating INSIDE the ocean, some sort of sub-aquaticar or under-marine-obile which is too crazy to even begin contemplating.

ROBERT'S DAD

There's a problem though, I'm badly injured.

(nobly)

Someone else will have to co-pilot Dingo Barbie with my son, on what is possibly its final mission.

ROBERT KAZINSKY

(choked up)

My gosh, Dad, there's so much I've never said to you.

ROBERT'S DAD

I, too, have left much unspoken.

(pause)

Mostly because we've merged our thoughts and brains dozens of times, including a half hour ago, so saying shit aloud would be redundant and pointless.

ROBERT KAZINSKY

Oh right. Moving on, I still need a new co-pilot. Now who else do I have a strong emotional bond with...

IDRIS ELBA

Well I thought I would...

ROBERT KAZINSKY

...that's it, my faithful bulldog!! Come on, boy, let's get you fitted for a special Jaeger outfit! We can do Play Stance Defence and unleash a Butt Sniff Attack move and...

IDRIS ELBA

FUCK YOU I HAVE A NOBLE SACRIFICE TO MAKE SO YOUR CO-PILOT IS ME. Besides, I used to drift with your Dad, so we'll be compatible.

ROBERT KAZINSKY

(frowns)

Every pilot pair we've ever seen are either direct relatives or romantically involved. How were you and my Dad co-pilots?

IDRIS ELBA

Well sometimes two pilots are just really good manly man friends who enjoy being manly men camping naked together okay ENOUGH WITH THE DAMNED QUESTIONS.

EXT. HONG KONG -- DOWNTOWN ... WERE THEY AFRAID PEOPLE WOULD MAKE "TOKYO DRIFT" JOKES? IS THAT IT?

CHARLIE DAY and RON PERLMAN try to expand their useless subplot by introducing PREGNANT ALIEN CLONES with PARASITES AND SHIT until RON gets himself EATEN BY A BABY ALIEN out of sheer desperation. However in the audience interest race they come in a distant SECOND to taking a WHIZZ.

INT. HANGAR BAY

RINKO KIKUCHI

You can't do this Idris! You have radiation poisoning from your days of piloting the Mark II! And even though Dingo Barbie is a Mark V, we have still not gotten around to fixing the radiation-leak problem! You'll die!

IDRIS ELBA

Rinko, a long time ago I made a solemn promise. And that promise was that, some day, I would finally let you have your own shoe back. And now that you've long since outgrown it, here it is.

(offers shoe)

RINKO KIKUCHI

(pause)

Yeah, you should go.

EXT. HONG KONG -- DOWNTOWN CORE -- NOW FILLED WITH ALMOST AS MUCH RUBBLE AS POTENTIAL FOREIGN BOX-OFFICE DOLLARS OH HEY I THINK I JUST FIGURED SOMETHING OUT

BURN GORMAN

Hi, Other Charlie! I'm taking a quick break from doing jack shit to come be a semi-useless appendage!

CHARLIE DAY

Quick, let's neurally crotchswallow an alien brain, to learn still more narrative contrivances! Then we can radio for a chopper to take us back to base to share the crucial information, rather than just radioing the crucial information.

BURN GORMAN

Yeah.

(sighs)

One might have thought that with our respective nerd-show pedigree, we'd have scored better characters to play than these limpdick stereotypes...

CHARLIE DAY

(shrugs)

Could be worse, we could be half-assed Siskel and Ebert impersonators.

INT. BOTTOM OF THE PACIFIC OCEAN AND JUST FOR KICKS LET'S PRETEND IT'S NEAR TOKYO

The ROBOTS are almost at the RIFT when...

CHARLIE DAY

(over radio)

Wait, don't! You need alien DNA to enter the rift portal!

RINKO KIKUCHI

Oh cool. So you'll smear the alien DNA we already have on a crate of nukes and launch it down the rift, right? We can head home now?

CLIFTON COLLINS JR.

Er, no, because UNDERWATER ROBOT KAIJU FIIIIIIGHT!!!!

EVEN BIGGER AND MEANER KAIJU come through the RIFT and FIGHT THE ROBOTS, only this time DEEP UNDERWATER so if you were hoping it would be less murky than last time, TOO FUCKING BAD.

IDRIS ELBA

Damn, we're hopelessly damaged! All we can do is self-destruct and take some Kaiju with us, before I keel over from double radiation poisoning.

(stoically)

Truly, this will be a noble death. A warrior's end.

ROBERT KAZINSKY

Er, any chance I could hop into an escape pod before you...

IDRIS ELBA

FOR HONOUR!!!

(detonates Dingo Barbie)

The NUCLEAR BLAST totally FRAGS the KAIJU! DOLBY BLASTER grabs an ALIEN CORPSE and leaps into the RIFT, where it begins SLOWLY FALLING towards the ALIEN DIMENSION. RINKO EJECTS in an ESCAPE POD which SLOOOWWWWLY RISES as DOLBY BLASTER keeps SLOOWWWWWWWWWWWLY FALLING. CHARLIE sets the SELF-DESTRUCT, then gets in his own ESCAPE POD to GRADUALLY ASCEND as the robot EVER SOOOO SLOOOOWWWWWLLLLYYYYY descends onto the ALIEN BASE.

ALIENS

(not doing shit about shit)

Looks like we picked the wrong day to be stoned out of our fucking minds.

DOLBY BLASTER EXPLODES, vaporizing the ALIENS, the RIFT, and HALF THE THEATRE'S SUBWOOFERS!!!! CHARLIE and RINKO emerge into SUNSHINE for the first time since the movie started because the last week of events took place OVERNIGHT.

CLIFTON COLLINS JR.

(over radio)

Come in Charlie and Rinko! Are you okay! Dammit, 007, please respond!

RINKO KIKUCHI

My word, James, you found the parachute button!

CHARLIE HUNNAM

That's not the ONLY button I'm after.

CHARLIE pulls a GIANT UNION JACK PARACHUTE over them and they start BANGING LIKE CRAZED BUNNIES.

END

RON PERLMAN

Surprise, I'm still alive and ready for the sequel!

(sees empty theatre)

Uh-oh.