FADE IN:

INT. CLICHE COLLEGE DORM.

PAUL RUDD is staring at a poster of some RANDOM COMIC BOOK CHARACTER, discontent with life.

PAUL RUDD

Damn, I'm bored. Ever since my girlfriend, Christine Taylor, moved away, and only has sporadic contact with me, I've come to rely on my right hand way too much. Maybe I should visit my friend Dante at the Quick Stop, or go to the mall to see Jay and Silent Bob.

WRITER KEVIN SMITH

(UNCREDITED)

You'd never guess I wrote this script, as I've been paid by New Line Cinema to keep all connections to my other films to a minimum. This film is another tribute to those John Hughes trashy romance flicks, but with a witty twist and more swearing. You'd think I would've learnt from Mallrats.

PAUL RUDD

I'll give my girlfriend a call, as continually staring at a half-naked comic chick for two and a half hours would be too Kevin Smith-esque.

(into PHONE)

Is Christine Taylor there?

GIRL AT COLLEGE

(on PHONE)

She's out with the Ricker, with absolutely no connection made to Rick Derris from the Kevin Smith Jersey Trilogy. Oops, I've just realised that you're the boyfriend. I've mistakenly created a plotline.

Paul Rudd is devastated, and decides to drown his sorrows at a STRIP CLUB.

EXT. STRIP CLUB

After being disatisfied with naked women, PAUL RUDD sits outside moping, when he meets REESE WITHERSPOON, a student who strips to pay her tuition fees.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Hi, I'm a student who strips to pay my tuition fees. I look innocent, but I'm allegedly playing a sex freak in this movie. Election could be a prequel to this movie.

CHRIS KLEIN appears out of nowhere.

CHRIS KLEIN

Did someone mention my film Election? God, since American Pie, I can't find work anywhere.

PAUL RUDD runs over CHRIS KLEIN with his car.

PAUL RUDD

There's only room for one slow-witted protagonist in this movie, and that's me.

REESE WITHERSPOON and PAUL RUDD hatch a plan in which they send a nasty break-up letter to CHRISTINE TAYLOR enclosed with a used condom, and send it overnight delivery via a company that is OBVIOUSLY NOT FED-EX WITH A DIFFERENT COLOR SCHEME. He is then told by CHRISTINE TAYLOR that the RICKER is a dog.

PAUL RUDD

Fuck!

BRIAN O'HALLORAN

Don't steal my lines.

PAUL RUDD

Then get that hack writer to come up with better ones.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Hey, you. Wanna ride across the country so's we can intercept the letter and actually create Kevin Smith's first movie with a plot?

PAUL RUDD

Will I get to screw you in the end?

REESE WITHERSPOON

No, but I'll wear skimpy outfits to keep you and all the pubescent adolescent viewers aroused, what with my catholic schoolgirl image and all.

PAUL RUDD

Fuckin-A.

JASON MEWES

Don't steal my lines.

PAUL RUDD and REESE WITHERSPOON set off on their journey pursuing the OBVIOUSLY NOT A FED-EX TRUCK PAINTED PURPLE, which takes up three-quarters of the film. Along the way, vaguely humorous things happen, including mistakenly blowing the OBVIOUSLY NOT A FED-EX TRUCK PAINTED PURPLE and it's driver to SHIT.

SMALL MINDED INDIE FILM FANS IN AUDIENCE

Ha! The cliche fat guy got blown up! Kevin Smith is a god!

EXT. SOME OTHER COLLEGE - LATER

It's Valentine's Day. A DELIVERY GUY, who has now made it his life's mission to deliver the package to CHRISTINE TAYLOR, is delivering packages to their respective deliverees.

PAUL RUDD

We made it! All I have to do now is kick the living shit out of the driver and steal the letter and this whole movie will be worth the $7.50 the audience paid for it.

AUDIENCE

Fat chance.

INT. RESIDENCE HALL

Inside the hall, which bears a striking resemblance to the MALLRATS mall, many rooms are around, and PAUL RUDD, being the slow-witted doofus that he is, cannot establish where CHRISTINE TAYLOR's dorm room is. PAUL RUDD thinks he sees the delivery guy and pounces on him. Turns out it's the wrong guy. WRITER KEVIN SMITH decides to repeat this scene ad nauseum.

INT. CHRISTINE TAYLOR'S DORM ROOM.

CHRISTINE TAYLOR is pacing around, contemplating her career.

CHRISTINE TAYLOR

Where did I go wrong? I was Marcia Brady for two movies, and now all I can get is this role? I wonder if Paul Rudd has figured out that I'm actually seeing the Ricker behind his back? I mean, no-one would believe that dog story.

INT. RESIDENCE HALL

PAUL RUDD runs into MATTHEW KLEMP, the RICKER, who is on his way to see CHRISTINE TAYLOR.

PAUL RUDD

You're the Ricker? God, you're one ugly dog.

PAUL RUDD finally figures out what the AUDIENCE has been shouting at the screen for the past two and a half hours. He lets the letter get delivered to CHRISTINE TAYLOR, and goes off with REESE WITHERSPOON.

DIE-HARD KEVIN SMITH FANS IN AUDIENCE

What the hell kind of ending was that? I thought Kevin Smith wrote this? Where's the deeply psychologically ending?

WRITER KEVIN SMITH

(UNCREDITED)

Since this movie is uncredited, I can do whatever the heck I want! HA HA HA!

The AUDIENCE riots and kicks KEVIN SMITH to a bloody pulp, before going to see something intelligent for a change.

AUDIENCE

Wanna see The Blair Witch Project again?

END