FADE IN:

INT. POLICE PRECINCT - DAY

JOHN SPENCER

Samuel Jackson, you and I are good friends.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Yes, great friends.

Everyone in the precint turns around to SAMUEL.

SUPPORTING CAST

SAMUEL, YOU ROCK!!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Ahh, friends. Gotta love em.

INT. A HOME - NIGHT

REGINA TAYLOR

Sam, we just got married and I love you.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

I love you too.

They smooch for a while.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

(to AUDIENCE)

I'm still a bad-ass, though...don't take this the wrong way. Lemme throw in the following words to be sure: Blowjob, fuck, ass, motherfucker, cock.

INT. POLICE PRECINT - THE NEXT DAY

JOHN SPENCER

We think you're embezzling money. I hate you. I will do everything in my power to hurt you. Ass-nugget.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

I thought you were my friend.

SUPPORTING CAST

We all hate you! We've known you for years but you get accused of stealing money and you're on the shitlist.

J.T. WALSH

You're in deep shit.

SAMUEL pulls out a GUN and takes people HOSTAGE, including PAUL GIAMATTI, who is sleazy and will make lots of comic relief.

PAUL GIAMATTI

I like hooters.

The phone RINGS.

DAVID MORSE

(on the phone)

Let them go.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Get me Kevin Spacey.

RON RIFKIN sits in the corner.

RON RIFKIN

I am an un-needed character who could be removed from this movie and not cause a problem. That entitles me to be the twist at the end.

They get KEVIN SPACEY to the scene, but not before we needlessly establish him as a family man by having him talk to his wife and kid.

KEVIN SPACEY

Kevin here... so Sam, why me?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Because this movie really has nothing else going for it other than us two.

KEVIN SPACEY

I want to help you.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Then find the guy who caused this movie to happen.

KEVIN SPACEY looks for the INFORMANT. He FAILS.

KEVIN SPACEY

I couldn't find him. Let's talk so that you and I can fill this movie with random pieces of information about police work.

DIRECTOR F. GARY GRAY

I hired SWAT and Police Negotiator consultants for a lot of money, and I will fill this movie with information on their methods if it kills me.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Never say no to a hostage taker.

KEVIN SPACEY

Never allow a priest to show up.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Don't get the wife on the phone - she adds emotion to the situation.

KEVIN SPACEY

So anyway, I couldn't get the informant.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

It's OK, while you were doing stuff, we just turned the computer and found something that told us who's involved.

KEVIN SPACEY

You found wires and e-mails that incriminate J.T. Walsh?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Not exactly. I found the script to this movie.

KEVIN SPACEY

There's a script? I thought everyone made up the hokey dialogue on the spot.

The computer, running WINDOWS 95, CRASHES and cannot be run again.

PAUL GIAMATTI

Damn. I wanted porn.

Meanwhile, things EXPLODE and guns BLARE and action HAPPENS all over the place, trying to distract the audience from the actual plot.

INT. J.T. WALSH'S HOUSE - NIGHT

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

I've found evidence on this computer that proves who is guilty!

KEVIN SPACEY

Hooray!

RON RIFKIN

(pulling out a gun)

Ha ha! I am the conspirator! Bet ya didn't see that one coming.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Everyone saw that coming. Just like everyone saw the way the good guys win in this next scene coming. Speaking of which.....

KEVIN SPACEY

Since you will kill us.. can we ask... why did you do it?

RON RIFKIN

For the money. Let me repeat: I have made this whole conspiracy for money. Me. Ron Rifkin.

They walk outside. Everyone is there, and they hate RON. KEVIN SPACEY reveals that he had a police radio on and everyone heard.

RON is arrested. SAM'S WIFE and SAM walk off into the sunset together. KEVIN SPACEY is alone. He stands there, looking at the bad movie around him.

KEVIN SPACEY

How come I'm the only thing saving this movie and wasn't even introduced until halfway through it? I have a shelf full of awards and I took this piece of crap.. what am I trying to do to my career..

He walks away, his voice trailing off as he complains.

END