FADE IN:

INT. HIGH SCHOOL

YOUNG HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN timidly approaches YOUNG RACHEL BILSON.

YOUNG HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Uh, hey. I don't know if you know who I am, but I sorta have this crush on you.

YOUNG RACHEL BILSON

Of course I know you! We're in the same shop class!

YOUNG HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Huh? No... you're probably confusing me with a piece of wood. I get that a lot.

(hands her a worthless trinket)

I got you a snow globe of Paris, because you conveniently desire traveling the world.

Suddenly, some ASSHOLE BULLY totally COCKBLOCKS HAYDEN and takes the SNOWGLOBE.

ASSHOLE BULLY

With absolutely no provocation from you, I will throw your snowglobe onto the barely-frozen river in exactly the way that no real teenager would.

He DOES. Predictably, YOUNG HAYDEN retrieves it and falls into the river. Suddenly, he teleports to the local library.

YOUNG HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

(to librarian)

Ma'am, can you direct me to the section containing books on how to awkwardly force a plot progression in filmmaking?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN (V.O.)

And so I checked out a book that told me pointless narration is a great way to drive a story forward without any real writing.

(pause)

I decided to move to New York and start stealing from banks. If you're wondering why I'm bothering to narrate this, since the upcoming scene is of me walking around New York and robbing a bank, I suggest you go ahead and leave - this movie only gets worse from here.

HAYDEN teleports into a bank vault and takes a shitload of money.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN (V.O.)

Hey, I was a teenager, what would you do? I mean, besides something like robbing mob bosses instead. I dismissively chalk the whole bank-robbing thing up to my youth, but I continued doing it for years and hiding my wealth in a secret room, along with casino chips that I decided to keep for some reason.

HAYDEN teleports to various international locations where the JUMPER FILM CREW was ALLOWED TO SHOOT.

INT. PUB - LONDON

HAYDEN hits on a RANDOM ENGLISH CHICK.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

My totally awesome superpowers have made it easy for me to pick up girls.

RANDOM ENGLISH CHICK

I don't get it. It's not like you're using your powers in front of me or anything. The only possible edge your powers gave you in this situation was that you were able to teleport to England in order to find me. Is this movie suggesting English women have low standards or something?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

No, it's just that people outside of the U.S. don't all immediately recognize me as that whiny douchebag from Star Wars.

HAYDEN fucks the girl and teleports back to his apartment, where he runs into SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Hello Hayden. I'm here to kill you. I am a member of a religious sect called 'Paladins'. We hunt down people like you, who we call "jumpers" because it's hipper-sounding than "teleporters."

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

A religious sect? Of course. Because why write character motivation when you can just say "ZOMG RELIGION" and be done with it?

SAMUEL electrocutes HAYDEN, which prevents him from teleporting.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Now you know how it feels to get electrocuted by an old guy! I'll teach you to just stand there and let me get thrown out a window.

HAYDEN manages to teleport anyway. He goes back to his hometown in MICHIGAN, because the best place to go when a secret organization tracking you wants you dead is your old home.

INT. BAR - MICHIGAN

HAYDEN goes to the BAR where grown-up RACHEL BILSON works and decides to hit on her as well.

RACHEL BILSON

Holy shit! I haven't seen you since you vanished four years ago! How are you do--

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're expecting the audience to believe that only four years have passed since we were played by 15-year-old actors?

RACHEL BILSON

Sure, why not? We're expecting them to believe that your old classmates would remember the most unmemorable person alive.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Well, didn't you always want to go to Rome? Let's go, right now.

RACHEL BILSON

That's tempting, but is right now really a good time?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Sure. Nothing going on for me besides being chased by a crazy guy who wants me and my kind eradicated and will stop at nothing to see me destroyed. I see no reason why now isn't a great time to involve you in my life.

EXT. ROME, ITALY

HAYDEN takes RACHEL around ROME and they look at TOURISTY SHIT.

RACHEL BILSON

I suppose that you paying for me to take a vacation in Italy pretty much means I'm obligated to have sex with you, because all women are apparently just whores.

She has sex with HAYDEN and then they visit the COLLOSSEUM. HAYDEN uses his powers to unlock locked doors that RACHEL wishes to open, getting him further into RACHEL'S PIXIE-SIZED PANTIES.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Who knew that something as simple as unlocking doors would score so many points with the ladies? A $10 set of bump keys must be the ticket to an endless supply of pussy.

Suddenly, some PALADINS show up with extremely high STRENGTH and CONSTITUTION. JAMIE BELL teleports in and saves HAYDEN, killing the PALADINS. JAMIE then teleports to his HIDEOUT and HAYDEN follows him.

JAMIE BELL

Did you just come through my jump scar?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Jump scar?

JAMIE BELL

Yes. When a jumper jumps, he leaves a wormhole behind that another jumper can jump through.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Oh... so, did we just have sex or something?

JAMIE BELL

No. Those guys back there were Paladins. They've been killing Jumpers for a thousand years. The witchhunts, the red scare - it was all these guys.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Really? What did they use before electricity was discovered?

JAMIE BELL

Am I really getting a lecture on plot holes from the guy who starred in "Attack of the Clones?"

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

I think we should work together and kill the paladins. It'll be just like Marvel Team-Up.

JAMIE BELL

Ugh.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

What, you don't want to work with me?

JAMIE BELL

It's not that. I just can't believe the screenplay is justifying the arbitrary plot progression of us teaming up by drawing attention to the cheesy comic-book nature of doing so. It's like one notch better than having characters say "it'll be just like in a movie" in a movie.

JAMIE and HAYDEN work together to try and kill SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Enough is enough! I've had it with these motherfucking jumpers in my motherfucking space-time continuum!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Why are you so obsessed with destroying me?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Because it's your fault that the film is so painfully boring. This entire movie is about the same thing that the opening sequence of X-Men 2 was about, but not a single action scene is as good. Face it, you suck.

They FIGHT for a while. Eventually, HAYDEN teleports RACHEL'S apartment underwater, destroying all of RACHEL'S POSESSIONS. He then teleports SAMUEL to the GRAND CANYON and leaves him there to be discovered by TOURISTS.

RACHEL BILSON

Because you saved my life after you needlessly endangered it in the first place, I have no choice but to fall in love with you.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Cool. First, I have to track down my mother, who abandoned me when I was five and left me with a lazy drunk father.

INT. DISTRACTINGLY NICE HOUSE

HAYDEN knocks on the door of a house and finds his mother, DIANE LANE, a PALADIN.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Holy shit!

DIANE LANE

What? Surprised to find out that your mother is a Paladin?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

No, I'm surprised my mother is Diane Lane. What the fuck are you doing in this idiotic piece of garbage?

DIANE LANE

Phoning it in, what does it look like?

The MOVIE teleports out of the memories of the AUDIENCE forever.

END