FADE IN:

EXT. MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE

CHRISTINA RICCI and JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE have sex. JUSTIN throws up afterwards, but that's because he's GOING TO IRAQ, not because he just had sex with CHRISTINA RICCI.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

I know you used to be quite the town whore, but I trust that you'll be faithful to me while I'm gone.

CHRISTINA RICCI

Don't worry, who wouldn't be faithful to a boy-band member?

JUSTIN begins bringing SexyBack to Iraq and CHRISTINA goes in search of some dick.

CHRISTINA RICCI

I'm going to take a shitload of drugs and let everyone fuck me!

CHRISTINA'S MOM

Wow, you're quite the despicable idiot.

CHRISTINA RICCI

I was abused as a kid.

CHRISTINA'S MOM

Nevermind then, nothing you do is your fault! Need some condoms?

CHRISTINA gets raped by one too many guys and winds up beaten and half-naked outside SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON's house. SAMUEL finds CHRISTINA the next morning.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Jesus Christ! What the hell happened to you?

CHRISTINA RICCI

Yeah, I got my ass kicked.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

What? No, I mean, when did you turn into a sack of antlers?

SAMUEL brings CHRISTINA inside his home to take care of her wounds.

CHRISTINA RICCI

Shouldn't you take me to a hospital? Are you really qualified to be taking care of me?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Of course I am, now get in this bathtub of ice cubes.

SAMUEL chains CHRISTINA to his radiator. This is probably supposed to be HOT, but it is instead DISTURBING. And kind of hot.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

I'm going to cure you of your nymphomania.

CHRISTINA RICCI

Oh. I guess you'll want to give me an old t-shirt so that I don't have to spend the whole movie half-naked.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Ummmm... no. I'm going to sing some blues and read the bible to you instead. Feel free to writhe around on the floor in your panties.

CHRISTINA tries to fuck everything she can while crawling around without any clothing on and drawing as much attention to her body as possible.

CHRISTINA RICCI

So what exactly is the difference between this movie and a porno?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Pornos have better music.

SAMUEL speaks like a stereotypical southern black man while CHRISTINA is chastised for her sexuality. She eventually learns to speak softly, wear flowery dresses, and cook for men.

CHRISTINA RICCI

Wow, it's like the movie is competing with itself to see if it can be more sexist or more racist.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

While the audience tries to figure out exactly what part of this movie offends them the most, I'm going to play some blues. See, the blues comforts me, since my wife ran off with my younger brother.

CHRISTINA RICCI

Isn't this movie made by the same guy who did Hustle and Flow? Does he exclusively make movies about how music invented by black men can be emotionally cathartic for black men?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Nothing wrong with that. Who understands the plight of the black man better than the white son of a rich corporate developer?

We finally leave the set of SAM'S HOUSE for a DIVE BAR where SAM can sing some blues.

CHRISTINA RICCI

Is it okay if I dance suggestively with a shitload of guys while you sing, or would that be a regression to my whorey ways?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Go right ahead, ain't nuthin sinful about being a tease.

SAMUEL plays the blues for everyone, mending his broken heart. CHRISTINA learns how to sing some CHRISTIAN HYMNS.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

I can play the blues again!

CHRISTINA RICCI

And I don't want to fuck everything that moves!

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

And I've overcome my crippling anxiety disorder for a few minutes!

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Oh, the wonderful healing power of a cursory understanding of Christian theology!

Everyone lives hazardously-ever-after.

AUDIENCE

Well, that was certainly a trashy, exploitative waste of 2 hours.

DIRECTOR CRAIG BREWER

No, no! It was an ironic throwback to exploitation films from the seventies! Like Grindhouse!

AUDIENCE

Yeah, and nobody saw that either. Enjoy your flop, pervert.

END