BIG DADDY
The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. ADAM SANDLER'S DISGUSTING APARTMENT
ADAM SANDLER
I am a stupid slacker-type.
KRISTY SWANSON
I hate you for that.
ADAM SANDLER
I'll give you flowers.
KRISTY SWANSON
Fuck off.
ADAM SANDLER
I'll give you chocolates.
KRISTY SWANSON
Go to hell.
ADAM SANDLER
I'll adopt a child and raise him irresponsibly because I am a big fucking idiot.
KRISTY SWANSON
What?
ADAM adopts a cute widdle boy wit a cute widdul voyce.
THE CHILD PROP
Hewwo. Can we pway?
ADAM SANDLER
Sure, lets go play at Hooters. Then I will take you to a strip joint and buy you some crack.
THE CHILD PROP
Yay!!! Can I wear this widicuwus outfit?
ADAM SANDLER
Sure, because I'm going to let my kid do whatever he wants in order to show I have good intentions and I'm not just a slacker asshole.
There is suddenly a KNOCK at the door.
SOCIAL SERVICES
You're a slacker asshole, we're taking your kid away.
ADAM SANDLER
No, wait, I'm actually not Adam, but Adam's semi-normal roommate, Jon Stewart. I'm the child's father.
SOCIAL SERVICES
Right, whatever, we're taking the kid.
ADAM SANDLER
That's alright, I have his brother, he's just as cute.
THE CHILD PROP is taken away, and the other actor that plays THE CHILD PROP continues the wacky antics.
EXT. STREET
ADAM SANDLER
I'm here on the street with my child. Perhaps you'd like a hot dog or some gum or some shit like that.
THE CHILD PROP
I'd like shit!
AUDIENCE
Ha ha! He said "shit" and that is funny because children shouldn't say such things.
ADAM SANDLER
Here's the shit you wanted.
AUDIENCE
Ha ha! He said "shit" and that is funny because grown-up children shouldn't say such things.
ADAM hits on girls using the CHILD PROP and teaches the CHILD PROP how to hurt people.
THE CHILD PROP
Wee! I'm so cute!
He throws a stick in front of a rollerblader, who trips on it, falls, cracks his skull open, and DIES.
ADAM SANDLER
Ha ha ha ha! Look at the blood!
THE CHILD PROP
Fuck, this is fun shit!
SOCIAL SERVICES
Ok, that's enough. We're taking this one too.
AUDIENCE
It's about damn time.
INT. COURTROOM
All of the characters, including the ones that died comically, are present.
JUDGE
You're a bad parent, you fucking idiot.
ADAM SANDLER
But I have good intentions.
JON STEWART
I am the child's father. I say what Adam did to my kid is fine by me.
JUDGE
I suppose you can have the child then!
JOEY LAUREN ADAMS
Oh Adam! Let's have our own kid! I love you!
RANDOM HOMOSEXUALS
Us too!
THE CHILD PROP
And I love you most of all! I get to spend my life with you and my real father now!
AUDIENCE
Hooray!
(tears form in eyes)
All the zany antics worked out! Er, wait, the kid is still pretty fucked up.
The AUDIENCE is quieted by the cuteness of THE CHILD PROP.
ROB SCHNEIDER
Look, I am ethnic! I almost definitely smell awful!
END