Because having the I.Q. of a retarded ant is HI-larious.


Because having the I.Q. of a retarded ant is HI-larious.

ZOOLANDER

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. FASHION SHOW

BEN STILLER mugs endlessly and speaks in an annoying voice.

BEN STILLER

I'm a male model, despite the fact that I have freakishly large ears and I look like a chimp.

OWEN WILSON

I am your arch nemesis. I am also a male model, despite the fact that my nose goes in five different directions. The idea that we're models is actually quite absurd.

BEN STILLER

I wrote, directed, and starred in this movie because it was about fucking time someone obsessively and relentlessly attacked the male modelling world. As an equally useless Hollywood star, I've had to tolerate male model vanity and stupidity for far too long, and it's time for me to ridicule them childishly.

CHRISTINE TAYLOR

Hello real-life husband Ben Stiller. Please put me in your movie. My career has so far consisted of Hey Dude and the Brady Bunch movies.

BEN STILLER

That sounds like a great idea. Since you're so beautiful, I'll be able to greatly anger audience members when I go around looking like a caveman and acting like a moron and still get to have sex with you in the end. Perhaps I shall aggravate things further by having scenes wherein I, looking like an ape, give you beauty tips.

CHRISTINE TAYLOR

Fantastic. Let's have our first scene together repeat every single joke from the original Zoolander skit you did during the VH1 Fashion Awards. This will appear awkward and forced, setting an excellent precedent for the rest of the humor in the film.

They do so. Every half-funny line becomes UNNATURAL and TRITE.

EXT. OUTSIDE OF BUILDINGS

There are numerous cuts of the New York skyline, but something is missing. This suddenly puts life into perspective and trivializes the unimportant lives of everyone in the movie even further.

INT. BAD GUY HIDEOUT

Numerous villains talk in a cliched manner to WILL FERRELL.

WILL FERRELL

This scene is done in the same intentionally hackneyed manner as most of Austin Powers.

EVIL BAD GUYS

This must be a good movie then, because Austin Powers was sometimes funny.

WILL FERRELL

Yes, and I was in that. I played a character with a similar name as the character in this movie, too. And I have a dog here.

EVIL BAD GUYS

This isn't a rip-off at all. Anyway, you must assassinate a political guy because we want sweatshops or something.

WILL FERRELL

Okay. We'll need someone hopelessly stupid to carry out our plan. Ideally, he should be a one joke character from a small skit who obviously can't pull the weight of an entire film. I think I have just the person.

EVIL BAD GUYS

Oh, I know! How about those guys from the Roxbury SNL skits?

WILL FERRELL

Uh, well, actually...

EVIL BAD GUYS

Or maybe Jay and Silent Bob. They'd be just wretched as central characters.

WILL FERRELL

I, uh, wouldn't know.. I personally try to stay away from movies that struggle with centering around secondary characters..

EVIL BAD GUYS

Or that Catholic girl from SNL that sniffs her armpits. Or the Ladies Man.

(snickering)

Hey, wait, weren't you in all of those movies?

WILL FERRELL

Okay, fuck you guys. I'm picking Ben Stiller's Zoolander, from the VH1 Fashion Awards skit.

INT. BEN STILLER'S HOME

BEN STILLER sulks because he is getting older and losing popularity.

BEN STILLER

I am so forlorn. My giant ears are drooping. Isn't it sad?

AUDIENCE

Not really.

His male model roommates enter and act STUPID. They try to cheer BEN up, but BEN devotes the 1% of his brain that actually works to being SAD.

AUDIENCE

I'm supposed to care, but frankly why would I give a shit about a bunch of dimwitted male models?

BEN STILLER

See, but that's what's so funny! You don't care about them because they are so absurdly stupid! To illustrate this, I will kill them all in a comical manner.

They all EXPLODE. We don't care.

BEN STILLER

See? Aren't male models fucking worthless?

AUDIENCE

Did a male model run over your puppy or something? Jesus.

BEN STILLER is taken to a secret base where WILL FERRELL brainwashes him to kill the prime minister of a NONFICTIONAL COUNTRY.

INT. NIGHTCLUB IN WHICH BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE MILL ABOUT

Beautiful people act vain and stupid.

BILLY ZANE

(stumbling in)

Whoa shit, what the hell set did I walk onto?

BEN STILLER

Zoolander. I'm writing, directing, and starring in it. Did you ever see Cable Guy?

BILLY ZANE flees by jumping out of a window and shattering his bones on the street below.

BILLY ZANE

Get the cameras off me!! Aieee!

Meanwhile, OWEN WILSON and his SCOOTER enter.

OWEN WILSON

Oh, hello Ben Stiller. Your mother eats my ass nightly.

BEN STILLER

Oh yeah? Well, I'm horrendously stupid.

OWEN WILSON

That's it! Let's have a brawl, male model style.

They compete by modelling in a scene that goes on for way too long. Ben loses.

BEN STILLER

I suck.

CHRISTINE TAYLOR

You really do.

BEN STILLER

I should have just thrown my feces at him.

CHRISTINE TAYLOR

Listen. I just found out you may be involved in a plot to assassinate the Prime Minister of Malaysia.

BEN STILLER

Being a complete moron, I will utterly fail to grasp this concept.

CHRISTINE TAYLOR

We have to hide! Will Ferrell is after you.

BEN STILLER

Take me to Owen Wilson's house. We could form a stupidity force field!

INT. OWEN WILSON'S HOUSE

BEN STILLER greets OWEN WILSON.

BEN STILLER

I hate you because you threaten my status, causing me to question the very meaning of my own existence.

OWEN WILSON

I hate you because you have rejected me, and I admired you so much that your hatred shatters my world.

BEN STILLER

Truly we have learned much from this interaction. Our ability to transcend the competitive nature of male modelling is truly inspiring to other cretins of the world. Let's never fight again.

OWEN WILSON

You got it brand new buddy! Let's participate in a disconcertingly surreal scene which ambiguously implies drug usage.

They may or may not do drugs. Then they have a LOT OF SEX in a MASSIVE ORGY which is NEVER REFERENCED AGAIN.

CHRISTINE TAYLOR

We must get Will Ferrell's secret files. They are in his computer saved as Evidence_Against_Me.doc.

OWEN WILSON

But due to a random plot contrivance, we'll have to get the files ourselves.

CHRISTINE TAYLOR

Actually, I'm sure with a little thinking we can come up with a better plan than--

BEN STILLER

No, this is it. We'll get the files.

They attempt to get the files but FUCK IT UP REPEATEDLY.

OWEN WILSON

Boy, we're so amazingly dense that we don't even know how to get a file from a computer. Worse than that, though, we think they're actually inside the monitor.

BEN STILLER

It's actually quite astonishing we're capable of walking and breathing at the same time. Now, for implausible reasons, I must go model this new line of clothing even though it virtually assures I will kill the Prime Minister.

(pause)

Please note that this is not because models are dumb, it is because the screenwriters are.

INT. FASHION SHOW

Fashion in general is ridiculed for a few minutes. Then, undeservedly, BEN foils WILL'S EVIL PLOT.

WILL FERRELL

(sighing apathetically)

I'd be mad, but frankly I stopped caring about my role in this movie fifty minutes ago.

OWEN WILSON

Same here. This whole climax really just feels like it's delaying the credits. I'm gonna go smoke some weed.

Everyone starts filing out.

BEN STILLER

Wait, where are you guys all going? Don't you think I'm funny? I'm Ben Stiller!

(pause)

Oh no. I just realized... I'm not funny. I've built my career as a comedic actor based on the excellent direction of others. I'm a complete tool.

CHRISTINE TAYLOR, JERRY STILLER, BEN STILLER'S MOM, and the rest of BEN STILLER'S REAL LIFE FAMILY embrace BEN in a group hug.

CHRISTINE TAYLOR

It's okay, Ben. At least you're not as much of a worthless waste of sperm as a male model.

BEN STILLER

Hey, you're right. Fuck male models, they blow goats! Plus, I'm married to you!

BEN STILLER has SEX with CHRISTINE TAYLOR.

WILL FERRELL

(watching)

For some reason, this reminds me of those SNL sketches where Mr. Peepers humps the host.

BEN STILLER

(peeling banana with feet)

I can't imagine why.

END

Discussion