I never know where to look when the dog is taking a crap.


I never know where to look when the dog is taking a crap.

ZOMBIELAND

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. POST-APOCOLYPTIC WASTELAND

MICHAEL CERA is FIGHTING ZOMBIES and TALKING TO THE AUDIENCE.

JESSE EISENBERG (V.O.)

Stop calling me Michael Cera! I hate that! Anyway, I'm here to give you tips about surviving in a zombie apocalypse parody. I find that being fussy, adorably awkward, and altogether Michael Cera-like works best.

Suddenly, WOODY HARRELSON shows up in a BAD-ASS SUV.

WOODY HARRELSON

Hi, I'm a gruff loner.

JESSE EISENBERG

Rule number one of zany comedies: the odd couple. Clearly we have to partner up.

WOODY HARRELSON

Is that something my character would ever do?

JESSE EISENBERG

No.

WOODY HARRELSON

Hop in.

JESSE hops in the SUV. They head to the supermarket and KILL A BUNCH OF ZOMBIES.

WOODY HARRELSON

I want a Twinkie.

JESSE EISENBERG

Rule number six of zany comedies: the gruff loner has a soft spot for something wacky and childish.

WOODY HARRELSON

I also miss my puppy.

JESSE EISENBERG

Don't overdo it.

WOODY HARRELSON

Why does this place still have electricity? And why doesn't it reek of rotting meat and cheese?

JESSE EISENBERG

Apparently, the zombie apocalypse just happened last Tuesday without any significant looting or rioting.

WOODY HARRELSON

So people will riot over a Lakers game or an Elmo doll, but the end of the world generates about as much excitement as election day?

JESSE EISENBERG

Makes you proud to be an American, doesn't it?

EMMA STONE and ABIGAIL BRESLIN show up.

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

Will you sign my Scott Pilgrim poster?

JESSE EISENBERG

Rule number eight: the running gag.

WOODY HARRELSON

If you've been in the store this whole time, why didn't the zombies attack you?

EMMA STONE

Give me your gun and I'll explain.

He DOES. Predictably, EMMA and ABIGAIL rob the guys of all their weapons and their SUV, leaving them COMPLETELY UNARMED and CERTAIN TO DIE.

JESSE EISENBERG

Maybe if we wander around for a few minutes, we'll stumble across an even badder-ass SUV and even bigger stockpile of weapons.

WOODY HARRELSON

That would require some ridiculously lazy screenwriting.

Moments later, they're riding around in an EVEN BADDER-ASS SUV with an EVEN BIGGER STOCKPILE OF WEAPONS.

Suddenly, EMMA and ABIGAIL again rob them of all their new stuff.

JESSE EISENBERG

So are you going to leave us to die again?

EMMA STONE

No, we're friends now.

JESSE EISENBERG

When did that happen?

EMMA STONE

About the same time the screenwriter realized that no one cared about the plot so long as there are funny one-liners and comically gruesome zombie deaths.

JESSE EISENBERG

Wow, you have a point. I mean, where did the zombies come from anyway? Nothing's ever explained. The plot is a paper-thin excuse for post-apocalyptic zaniness.

EMMA STONE

Yep. So, are they ever going to make that Arrested Development movie?

The gang decides to take a road trip to California. Along the way, they visit VARIOUS ROADSIDE ATTRACTIONS and annihilate VARIOUS ZOMBIES in fun and exciting ways.

EMMA STONE

Once we get to California, I hear there's a colony of survivors and they live in a theme park with ponies and princesses and ice cream for every meal.

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

I'm too old to believe that.

EMMA STONE

Okay, just the part about the theme park then.

The gang arrives in California.

INT. BILL MURRAY'S HOUSE.

JESSE, WOODY, EMMA, and ABIGAIL invade BILL MURRAY's house and start going through all of his stuff.

JESSE EISENBERG

Let's quote a bunch of movies that are much funnier than this one!

Suddenly, BILL FREAKIN' MURRAY walks in.

WOODY HARRELSON

Wow, you're Bill Freakin' Murray!

BILL FREAKIN' MURRAY

You know, this role was originally written for Patrick Swayze.

JESSE EISENBERG

That could have been funny.

BILL FREAKIN' MURRAY

Then after he got sick, it was rewritten for Matthew McConaughey.

JESSE EISENBERG

That wouldn't have been funny at all.

WOODY HARRELSON

So what made you agree to do it?

BILL FREAKIN' MURRAY

Let's see. A role where all the other characters worship me and my movies and the audience is expected to wet their pants just to see me on screen. I can't imagine how that could possibly appeal to major Hollywood star like myself.

JESSE EISENBERG

Yeah, you're really overshadowing us and everything that's going on in the movie so far. I'm going to have to kill you.

JESSE shoots BILL with a shotgun. Then he makes out briefly with EMMA.

EMMA STONE

Wow, that was really shoehorned in here.

JESSE EISENBERG

Everybody knew it was going to happen eventually so no one cares how weirdly placed it is in the movie.

EMMA STONE

Okay, now that I've found a secure home, people I care about, plenty of food, and everything I could possibly have been searching for in a zombie wasteland, I guess I'll be going now.

JESSE EISENBERG

Bye.

EMMA STONE

That's it?

JESSE EISENBERG

If you don't leave, we can't have a thrilling final battle with the zombies.

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

Don't I have anything to say about it?

EMMA STONE

Apparently not. Now let's go to Wally World.

EXT. WALLY WORLD

EMMA and ABIGAIL show up and WALLY WORLD, which is abandoned and empty.

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

You've been telling me all along that this theme park is the last refuge of humanity. Shouldn't I be surprised or disappointed or something?

EMMA STONE

Haven't you seen I AM LEGEND with Will Smith? Did you like that stupid, tacked-on ending? Is that what you wanted?

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

No, anything but that!

EMMA STONE

Okay then. Even though this is clearly nothing like what I've been promising, let's go inside anyway.

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

Can we turn on all the lights and make a lot of noise and attract all the zombies for hundreds of miles?

EMMA STONE

You got it, champ! I'm about to throw everything the audience knows about my character out the window anyway.

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

Oh no, zombies!

The zombies attack. Rather than run away, EMMA and ABIGAIL inexplicably strap themselves into an amusement park ride that does nothing but lift them straight up into the air.

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

What was your plan exactly? To starve to death up here rather than being eaten by zombies down there?

EMMA STONE

I don't know! I'm just a helpless woman!

ABIGAIL BRESLIN

Let me get this straight. Up until now, you've been a strong female character who is perfectly capable of killing zombies and protecting her family. Suddenly you're a bumbling horror movie cliché who gets herself stuck in an obvious corner with no way out. Why don't you just trip over your high heels while you're at it?

EMMA STONE

Don't worry. Men will save us.

JESSE and WOODY save them.

EMMA STONE

Close enough.

END

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