"Oh yeah, baby, back that wool blend up."


"Oh yeah, baby, back that wool blend up."

YOU'VE GOT MAIL

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. IT'S A 90S ROM-COM; WHICH CITY DO YOU *THINK* IT'S SET IN?

MEG RYAN and TOM HANKS wake up with their INSIGNIFICANT OTHERS, GREG KINNEAR and PARKER POSEY.

MEG RYAN/TOM HANKS

Look, can you just get the hell out of here? I've got things to do and I can't have your suspicions aroused in any way.

GREG KINNEAR

RANT RANT RANT!

PARKER POSEY

SPAZ SPAZ SPAZ!

They leave. TOM and MEG sign on to AOL.

AOL

BEEP BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP BEEP BEEP AAAAAAAHHHHH SCREEEEEEEEEEE DAH DER DAH DER DAH DER BZZZZZZZZZT PBPBPBPBPBPB BZZZZZZZZZT

MRLIKEABLE56

"I like fall and dogs and coffee. I also like you."

SHRILLBLONDE61

"I like Jane Austen and butterflies. I also like you."

They hug their THREE-INCH-THICK LAPTOPS to their CHESTS and sigh.

THAT ONE CRANBERRIES SONG THAT SEEMED TO BE EVERYWHERE IN THE 90S

(weird Celtic yodeling)

INT. THE CUTTHROAT BOOKSELLING INDUSTRY

TOM takes a meeting with his boss/father, DABNEY COLEMAN.

DABNEY COLEMAN

It is literally our mission here at Boors & Evil Booksellers, Inc. to crush all small-scale competitors in our path with our giant new megastore. Yes, we just said that out loud.

TOM HANKS

Nothing, NOTHING, I tell you, is better than the money we make from selling discounted books.

DABNEY COLEMAN

Huh? What's a "book?"

TOM HANKS

Not important. As soon as we get rid of That Quirky Independent Bookstore down the street, our objective will have been met. Who will stop us? Nobody.

MEG RYAN

That's what HE thinks. That Quirky Independent Bookstore has been here for years. Who offers a better customer experience than an attentive and dedicated shop owner with deep knowledge and passion for their product line? Nobody.

Both MRLIKEABLE56 and SHRILLBLONDE61 get a mysterious E-MAIL.

BOSSBEZOS64

LOL

INT. EVERY SINGLE STORE, MOVIE THEATER, COFFEE SHOP, PAY PHONE, BUS STOP, NEWSSTAND, TREE, AND TRASH CAN ON THE UPPER WEST SIDE

MEG sees TOM at all of these PLACES and hides like a GODDAMN CHILD.

MEG RYAN

If only I had someone with whom to share my fear of losing my mother's business to Tom. I mean, except for my three co-workers and that e-mail rando.

(turns toward GREG)

GREG KINNEAR

RANT RANT RANT!

MEG RYAN

Yeah, no. Rando it is.

(fires up laptop)

(waits three minutes)

(it took that long back then)

SHRILLBLONDE61

"Look, I know I haven't even sent you a picture of my tits yet, but I need to get real heavy with you by talking about my constant, consuming feelings of inadequacy."

MRLIKABLE56

"I will let you do that because you've hinted at the possibility of tits. Want to meet up?"

SHRILLBLONDE61

"Yes, I would like to meet up with you. That would probably hurt Greg if he found out, but..."

GREG KINNEAR

RANT RANT RANT!

SHRILLBLONDE61

"Ah, screw it."

She goes to meet up with MRLIKEABLE56, not realizing that he is TOM, who has figured out that MEG and SHRILLBLONDE61 are the same person!

TOM HANKS

Wait, all this time I've been having meaningful conversations about flour with HER? I should probably bail, but...

PARKER POSEY

SPAZ SPAZ SPAZ!

TOM HANKS

Yeah, no. What do you think, black best friend Dave Chappelle?

DAVE CHAPPELLE

BLACK BLACK BLACKITY BLACK BLACK! DOG PROJECTS AIN'T CRACK BLACK!

TOM HANKS

You always know just what to say.

(goes inside)

DAVE CHAPPELLE

(watches TOM go, then stares into camera)

If anyone out there can hear me, I've been horribly miscast. They keep all the black and gay BFF actors strapped to chairs in the studio basements. HELP US.

He is quickly hypnotized into UNCONSCIOUSNESS and returned to the SUNKEN PLACE. Meanwhile, TOM sits down with MEG.

MEG RYAN

Oh God, not you again. How is it logistically possible for two people in Manhattan to have this many chance encounters?

TOM HANKS

90s rom-com.

MEG RYAN

Right. Well, anyway, Mr. Big Box Store Jerkface, here's the reason you suck: You like money and I like books. And while you're using stacks of cash to build a fort in your living room, or whatever rich guys do, I am the nice book lady for dozens, DOZENS, of precocious children. So you can take your economies of scale and your superior customer experience and shove them right up your popular, successful, profitable SHIT CHUTE!

TOM HANKS

...Okey-dokey.

He leaves.

TOM HANKS

I don't get it. How can such a judgmental bitch write such lovely e-mails that somehow compel me to keep pursuing her? That reminds me, I need to make another transfer to that Nigerian prince.

INT. THAT QUIRKY INDEPENDENT BOOKSTORE

MEG watches helplessly as CUSTOMER after CUSTOMER goes to the new BOORS & EVIL BIG DAMN BOOKATORIUM.

MEG RYAN

There's only one way we can save our store from those bastards!

JEAN STAPLETON

Deeper specialization?

STEVE ZAHN

More seating?

HEATHER BURNS

Better kids' programming?

ALL THREE

Keep you in the back so nobody has to look at your hair?

MEG RYAN

No, none of that. Greg, you're useful now.

GREG KINNEAR

RANT RANT RANT?

MEG RYAN

Yes, exactly.

GREG writes an ARTICLE about the STORE that somehow brings in tons of PUBLICITY and FOOT TRAFFIC but ZERO NEW SALES.

MEG RYAN

Ummm... you did mention that we SELL books, right? We're not just, like, a fun pop-up library?

GREG KINNEAR

RANT RANT, RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT. RANT, RANT?

MEG RYAN

No, you idiot, we only oppose capitalism when other people are better at it than we are!

Out of OPTIONS, she shuts down THAT QUIRKY INDEPENDENT BOOKSTORE, the business her MOTHER built from the GROUND up, the one consistent, comforting presence in her LIFE, the ONLY THING we're certain she loves in this WORLD.

ME

(not crying)

YOU

(crying)

MEG RYAN

By the way, Greg, I'm dumping you. It's not about the article. It's just that there's absolutely no reason for us to be together and you're purely inconvenient.

BILL PULLMAN GREG KINNEAR

RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT.

MEG RYAN

Really? You don't care one bit? Wow, you really WERE useless.

GREG KINNEAR

RANT, RANT RANT RANT RANT. RANT RANT RANT, RANT?

MEG RYAN

Yeah! What the hell, Nora Ephron? You've done better than this!

PARKER POSEY

SPAAAAAAAAZ! SPAZ SPAZ SPAZ SPAZ SPAZ SPAZ, SPAZ SPAZ!

TOM HANKS

You know, Parker has a point. At least Greg got the dignity of being dumped on-screen.

MEG RYAN

Hmmm. True. No hard feelings, though, right?

GREG KINNEAR

RANT.

PARKER POSEY

SPAZ.

TOM HANKS

Great. Back to the important actors - uh, characters.

INT. BIG DAMN BOOKATORIUM

MEG visits the CHILDREN'S SECTION.

MEG RYAN

Huh. This is remarkably well-curated. And the kids seem happy to be here. Maybe my store really wasn't that special.

CUSTOMER

Excuse me, sir, do you know where I might find Harry Potter?

TEENAGE SALESPERSON

Uh... sorry, we don't have anyone named Harry who works here.

MEG RYAN

She means the BOOK, you moron!

(tears up)

Written by J.K. Rowling! Published in the U.S. by Scholastic! 309 pages! ISBN 0-7475-3269-9! IT'S NOT THAT HARD!

She runs out sobbing, not noticing that TOM has been there the WHOLE TIME because OF COURSE HE HAS.

MRLIKEABLE56

"I've been Tom Hanks the whole time. I'd like you to be my girlfriend."

(deletes second sentence)

"I'd like you to be my company's children's department director."

(deletes entire message)

"I'd like to keep stringing you along for the next 15 minutes."

SHRILLBLONDE61

"Well, I've got fuck all else to do, so why not?"

INT. EVERY OTHER STORE, MOVIE THEATER, COFFEE SHOP, PAY PHONE, BUS STOP, NEWSSTAND, TREE, AND TRASH CAN ON THE UPPER WEST SIDE

TOM shows up wherever MEG thinks she's about to meet MRLIKEABLE65, never revealing the TRUTH and letting her think she's being STOOD UP OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

MEG RYAN

You know, Tom, you may have been largely responsible for the death of my beloved store, my employment status, and my ability to make rent on my giant East Side apartment, but I'm starting to find you quite likeable. Even more so than my e-mail lover, Mr-

(pauses)

TOM HANKS

(grins)

MEG RYAN

...Holy shit.

TOM HANKS

That's right! It is I who has been your designated love interest AND your archnemesis this entire time!

MEG RYAN

Ummm... why didn't you tell me that 15 minutes ago?

TOM HANKS

Well, I - actually, I have no idea. I think they just wanted to make a two-hour runtime.

MEG RYAN

Oh. Okay.

They KISS.

MEG RYAN

Did I mention I might be writing my own book?

TOM HANKS

Who cares?

They KISS some more.

INT. WARNER BROS. HEADQUARTERS, 2018

A group of MOVIE EXECS sits around a TABLE.

MOVIE EXEC #1

So here's what we're thinking: It's basically the same story, only with an e-commerce mogul instead of a big-box mogul and Instagram instead of e-mail.

MOVIE EXEC #2

And we can cast Ryan Gosling as mrlikeable80 and Taylor Swift as shrillblonde89.

MOVIE EXEC #3

Genius. It'll be a rom-com mainstay, fondly remembered for generations to come.

INT. MARTIAN COLONY, 2038

A group of SPACE CHICKS sits around a HOLOFILM PROJECTOR, watching the 2018 classic "CAPTURE AND SHARE."

SPACE CHICKS

I don't get it.

END

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