"Everyone get out of my way, I have a family of four to babysit!"


"Everyone get out of my way, I have a family of four to babysit!"

XXX

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. TOTALLY EXTREME ROAD!!

EXTREME CLOSE-UP - MOVIE TITLE ON VIN DIESEL'S NECK

VIN DIESEL drives a senator's car off a bridge, parachutes out, and TOTALLY chugs a MOUNTAIN DEW in midair.

EXTREME VIN DIESEL

I'm totally driving this car over this bridge in order to stick it to the man, embodied by some random authority figure who specifically hates skateboarders. Nobody hates extreme sports and video games in my town!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON enters, with a totally giant scar on his face.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Wait, you specifically mention video games as one of the things you fight for?

EXTREME VIN DIESEL

Yes! In a world where our country's foreign policy is so imperialistic that even our own allies are turning against us as we drive ourselves deeper into isolation, I fight for your right to have boobs and cusswords in your playstation games! Anyway, what do you want, Samuel. L Jackson?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Well, we need someone to go undercover and infiltrate something or-other. We need a badass like you.

EXTREME VIN DIESEL

Fuck you! I hate authority, like everyone in the audience. I'll never bow to your whim. Yeah! And homework is for pussies, asshead! And you can't threaten me with death either, because death doesn't frighten me or my muscles.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

If you don't do it, you'll never be able to play extreme sports or xbox ever again.

EXTREME VIN DIESEL

No extreme sports? I'll do whatever you ask!

Seriously, that actually happened.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Great. We will submit you to a series of "tests" now, which are scenes that the writer really, really wanted in the movie but couldn't think of any justification for.

VIN DIESEL TOTALLY rips up a DINER and COLUMBIA, which are both full of ASSHOLES who probably totally hate EXTREME SPORTS. VIN DIESEL jumps over a fence on a bike without a ramp, because he is TOTALLY EXTREME and also MAGICAL.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

You have passed my tests, Vin Diesel. Now, for the actual plot of the movie.

(handing Vin a wad of napkins)

Here's the script.

EXTREME VIN DIESEL

Why is this part torn out?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

The writer needed some last minute rolling papers before he went out with his friends to run into each other in shopping carts. Let me introduce you to your version of Q.

MICHAEL ROOF

Hey! I'm that total loser nerd who goes to high school with everyone in the audience and doesn't like extreme sports. Now I will kiss your ass and try to act cool, but fail, because I am totally uncool.

EXTREME VIN DIESEL

So your purpose is...

MICHAEL ROOF

I'm smart and provide you with gadgets. Observe.

(gesturing)

I will strap this powerful explosive to a wooden box and then blow it up in a totally extreme way. Stand behind that wall so that you won't be hit by the thousands of tiny pieces of wooden shrapnel that would kill me in a movie with any grounding in reality.

He blows up the box and lives, but is a nerd and TOTALLY UNCOOL. Then he gives VIN DIESEL some weapons. VIN DIESEL is COOL.

INT. TOTALLY EXTREME PRAGUE!!!

EXTREME CLOSE-UP - MOVIE TITLE ON VIN DIESEL'S NECK

VIN DIESEL TOTALLY infiltrates the headquarters of bad guy MARTON CSOKAS and meets ASIA ARGENTO.

MARTON CSOKAS

I like your style, Vin Diesel. Join my evil gang. Together, we will do almost exactly the same things you did before Samuel L. Jackson forced you to be a "good guy".

They STEAL CARS and FUCK BITCHES. Then they crash shopping carts into each other and go poo diving.

ASIA ARGENTO

Vin Diesel, I am a secret agent.

EXTREME VIN DIESEL

Wow, lucky for me, or I'd actually have to face the possibility that you're an evil villain and I actually have to kill you.

ASIA ARGENTO

Marton is planning on killing everyone, because he believes that only then will there be the anarchy he desires.

EXTREME VIN DIESEL

Wow. All of my life I've been a strong proponent of anarchy, but now I see that it's really the laws and rules I fight against which allow me the freedoms to fight them. Now I see that my cause, at the extreme, is just as bad as the extremes of what I deem unjust. I have learned that anarchy is no better than fascism and it is the middle ground which we must, as a society, constantly strive to adopt.

ASIA ARGENTO

What? Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was staring at your enormous, sweaty, tattooed arms, you big hunk of New Breed of Secret Agent.

EXTREME VIN DIESEL

We have to stop Marton.

ASIA ARGENTO

How?

EXTREME VIN DIESEL

(consulting a napkin)

Let's see.. BMX Racing, Motorcycle Racing, Skateboarding, Skysurfing, Bungee Jumping, Barefoot Waterskiing, Mountain Climbing.. OH! Snowboarding! We'll stop him with snowboarding.

VIN DIESEL TOTALLY snowboards down a mountain as it avalanches. He is SO COOL.

EXTREME VIN DIESEL

I'm the ultimate paradox. On one hand, I don't give a crap. On the other hand, I'm very careful and precise.

MARTON CSOKAS

You will never stop me! I have already sent this weird boat thing out to explode and totally kill everyone.

VIN DIESEL and ASIA ARGENTO kill everyone and then chase after the BOAT THING.

EXT. TOTALLY EXTREME ROAD IN TOTALLY EXTREME PRAGUE!!!

EXTREME CLOSE-UP - MOVIE TITLE ON VIN DIESEL'S NECK

They chase the DOOMSDAY DEVICE.

ASIA ARGENTO

That thing is going to kill everyone! Look at your list! Find an extreme sport which can prevent this!

VIN DIESEL

(reading his list frantically)

Shit...uh.. Antarctic Tandem Jumping...Whitewater Stunt Archery...Alpine Mountain Racing... Aha! Parasailing!

ASIA ARGENTO

Parasailing? That's not an extreme sport.

VIN DIESEL

Are you kidding me? My last name is fucking Diesel. If I say something is an extreme sport, it's an extreme sport!

He parasails over to the BOMB and TOTALLY rides it. He blows it up underwater, where it's safe.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

You did it, Vin Diesel! I foresee many opportunities in the future for us to extort you and force sequels down the throats of millions of soda-chugging, authority-hating, pot-smoking teens all over the country.

VIN DIESEL

Cool. Does this mean I need to tattoo a two onto the back of my neck now?

They laugh and listen to SHITTY BUTTROCK.

END


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