X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST
The Abridged Script
EXT. OPENING OF TERMINATOR BUT WITH PURPLE NEON SAUCE
PATRICK STEWART (V.O.)
The future. Specifically, fifty years after 1973, which is less than ten years from 2014. But hey, it's a universe where the Cuban Missile Crisis was caused by evil mutant supermen, so we can stuff 2023 with whatever preposterous space-age bullshit we want. Cue the shapeshifting robots!
The deadly SENTINELS fly around in their COFFIN-SHAPED SHIPS because SUBTLETY.
INT. BLOWN-TO-SHIT FORTRESS
SENTINELS ATTACK! SHAWN (ICEMAN) ASHMORE and DANIEL (COLOSSUS) CUDMORE and ELLEN (KITTY) PAGEMORE fight back, joined by a bunch of fifth-tier mutants such as PORTAL COSPLAY GIRL, NOT THUNDERBIRD, JOHNNY STORM KNOCKOFF, and uh, GUY WHOSE GUNS GLOW WHEN YOU ZAP HIM WITH ENERGY? Let’s just call him CAPTAIN CONFUSING.
Hey, I'm actually Bishop, a major character introduced in the 1990s, also known as the "cesspool decade of shit comics we're all trying to forget". It was gonna be either me, Cable, or Forge, so we threw dice and I rolled "Hey assholes how about two black mutants in the same movie for the first time ever".
Sadly I forgot to add "who contribute to the plot".
The Sentinels are overcoming my ice powers with fire powers, oh noooo!
JOHNNY STORM KNOCKOFF
And over here they’re defeating my fire powers with ice powers! Curse their cunning use of Pokemon logic!
Hurry, Omar, I've got to send your mind back in time to warn us, using the timeline-altering powers I’ve suddenly pulled out of my ass!
They all VANISH and meet up with PATRICK STEWART, IAN MCKELLEN, HALLE BERRY, and HUGH JACKMAN at a different BLOWN-TO-SHIT FORTRESS.
That's quite a system you've developed, Ellen, waiting until almost everyone's dead before rewriting history. Have you tried anything simpler, like I dunno, NOT staying in one place until you're found?
Professor, you're alive! So are we finally going to explain how you got your body back?
Why? It was in the DVD commentary of X3, for fuck's sake! Sorry if burying a major plot point in the extra features of the most hated film in the series wasn't good enough!!
Listen up everyone, we have a plan. We seemed to have a plan at the end of "The Wolverine", but it turned out that plan was "someday we'll come up with a plan". Which we now have.
This whole mess started in 1973, when Jennifer Lawrence shot Peter Dinklage at a French summit, causing the approval of the Sentinel program. Ellen, you can beam Patrick's mind back to 1973 to stop her!
But that was fifty years ago! Sending somebody’s brain that far back would shred it to pieces!
Ooh, I could go! I’m sure my recuperative powers can heal the ravages of extreme time distortion on my mind, even though they couldn’t heal adamantium-bullet memory loss.
Okay, we'll send Hugh to contact the younger versions of Ian and myself.
It won’t be easy. In 1973, I’ve lost my powers, Ian is in prison, and neither of us knows where Jennifer is. Also I’ll be incredibly depressed, though obviously something snapped me out of that to form the X-Men, but since millions of lives hang in the balance I’m not going to tell you what that was.
So... why send me to that point of time at all? Why not send me to the sixties, when you were all best buds? Hell, send me to that scene in "First Class" where you both meet me! James McAvoy can read my mind to verify my story, and the whole movie can be over in five minutes, okay maybe don't do that.
I don't suppose that instead of sending Hugh to just AFTER the Sentinels are invented, I could try a WEE bit harder and send him to just BEFORE they're invented, and we never have to worry about Jennifer at all?
No, because it's also important that we save Jennifer... from herself. After all, once you murder somebody, even for a good cause, it sends you irrevocably into a spiral of evil that damns your soul forever, making you a hopeless wretched scum beyond any chance of redemption...
IAN & HUGH
Well, it's okay when dudes do it.
HUGH lies down and ELLEN starts shooting TESSERACT BEAMS into his BRAIN.
AAAAAND OFF WE GO! Prepare for the past fifty years of world history to be drastically rewritten, which is something that I as a twenty-seven-year-old should probably be a bit concerned about.
HUGH’S MIND zaps BACK IN TIME.
INT. MILITARY CAMP - 1973
JENNIFER LAWRENCE uses her shapeshifting powers to RESCUE a bunch of mutants that nobody gives a shit about, so PHEW. The rescued mutants immediately set about getting ODD JOBS and SHIFT WORK and basically FUCKING OFF so THAT was a productive use of our time, but I guess if we're hell-bent on making this ALL ABOUT JENNIFER LAWRENCE then she needs things to do.
INT. XAVIER’S SCHOOL FOR PISSY EMO GITS
HUGH, now inhabiting his old 1973 PRE-ADAMANTIUM POST-COITAL BODY, shows up at JAMES McAVOY’S MANSION, where NICHOLAS HOULT answers the door.
Beast? What happened to your goofy-looking blue fur makeup?
I was able to create a serum which allows me to suppress my mutant appearance.
...Wasn’t that the thing you were trying to do last movie, but you messed it up and as a result were ultimately able to start accepting the real you and become comfortable with the beast within?
Oh, that. I guess we just decided to throw all my character development away for whatever reason.
(staggering out all hobo-like)
That’s nothing! That same serum restores my ability to walk but takes away my psychic powers, PLUS I’ve closed my school, which means we’ve also thrown MY entire origin story away!
Hey, I know you! You used up our only swear word last movie. Well, not this time! FUCK YOU, there, I got it first!
Ah, but apparently we can say "shit" a lot! Shitty shit shit!! Whole lotta shit! Now let's never swear in the actual movie ever again.
Listen, I’m a friend of yours from the future, which I can prove by mentioning something very personal that you never told anybody before. Not your adoptive sister. Not your quasi-homoerotic best friend. This stuff you confided in me and me alone, because we're just that goshdarn close apparently.
Gasp, that’s one of my most private memories! You must be from the future, because the only other possibility is that you’re some kind of mind reader, and what kind of preposterous bullshit would THAT be! All right, what do you want?
We need to go to France, to convince Jennifer not to kill Peter Dinklage! His murder convinces the government to implement his Sentinel program!
About fifty years later, for some reason.
Fine, I believe you. I'm not sure she'll listen to me though, we’ve been out of touch the past ten years. We need Michael Fassbender, he’s only been out of touch with her for nine and a half years.
Unfortunately Michael is currently being held in a metal-free prison which sounds vastly more secure than the one they wind up building for Ian McKellen years from now.
Okay then, we can do a jailbreak with the help of Evan Peters, AKA Quicksilver. I’ve worked with him before, as the audience will remember from [FOOTAGE NOT FOUND]
INT. EVAN’S BASEMENT HOVEL
HUGH, JAMES and NICHOLAS go in to see EVAN PETERS.
My power is super speed! I’m so fast that I beat my Avengers 2 counterpart into cinemas by a whole year. FUCK YOU, AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON!
So I guess now as far as the movies are concerned, X-Men-era Quicksilver is nearly seventy?
Hey, everybody’s accepted by now that character ages are total bullshit in these movies. We’ve also got seventy-year-old Gambit, eighty-something Mystique, and who the fuck knows with Emma Frost because apparently in 1979 she was a teenager but at the same time had also been DEAD for about a decade.
INT. PENTAGON DUNGEON
MICHAEL FASSBENDER is lying on the floor of his COMPLETELY UNFURNISHED CELL when EVAN speeds in disguised as a GUARD, which since he can move faster than people can see, was TOTALLY NECESSARY.
Hey, guard! I want to talk to somebody about finally getting a toilet in here - holy shit, SON?!
Oh, no no, we didn’t put any of my character’s backstory in this movie. In fact, if it weren’t for the name “Maximoff” being briefly seen on a mailbox, I could just as easily be Dash from The Incredibles in a gray wig.
EVAN speeds MICHAEL up to the PENTAGON PRISON KITCHEN, where they meet up with HUGH, JAMES, and NICHOLAS.
Thanks for the rescue! Though I'm surprised my future self wouldn't realize that I'm only going to double-cross you, try to kill Jennifer, and generally fuck things up. Really, if you'd just left me in prison everything from here out would go totally smooth with no complications, and now I get it.
ARMED GUARDS burst in and OPEN FIRE, but over the course of the next fraction of a second EVAN MOVES ALL THE BULLETS OFF COURSE, knocks out all the GUARDS, rubs his BUTT on their FACES, reads the COLLECTED WORKS of HENRY JAMES, translates them into DUTCH, and constructs a SCALE MODEL of the TAJ MAHAL out of CRAFT PAPER. During all this he listens to his not-yet-invented WALKMAN which has been SUPERJUICED to play cassettes at 40,000 RPM.
Holy SHIT. With your powers, you could effortlessly end any conflict that arises from here on out. Kindly get the fuck out of our movie.
No problem. If anybody needs me, I’ll be off banging my sister.
INT. JAMES MCAVOY'S PRIVATE PLANE
As the gang fly to FRANCE, JAMES and MICHAEL play a variant of CHESS where instead of moving pieces they BICKER ENDLESSLY.
So while Dinklage was busy abducting mutants and performing lethal experiments on them, you just sat on your whiny ass with no powers, what the hell was that?
Shut up, jerkface, you took Jennifer away!
You told her to go with me, remember?
Well, uh, what about your fanatical insistence that we have to fight the humans or they’ll wipe us all out?
According to Future Hugh, I’m actually a hundred per cent right about that! Come on, I’m supposed to be a supervillain here, this doesn’t work if the audience sides with me on every single point!
Whine whine whine! Gripe bitch moan!
All right, we’re done here. Good use of our one conversation in the whole movie, guy.
I bet OUR one conversation can be even MORE useless!
INT. FRENCH CONFERENCE ROOM
PETER DINKLAGE pitches his SENTINEL PROGRAM to various INTERNATIONAL GOVERNMENT REPS.
So you’d be casually chatting with your neighbour Mrs. Whosits, when suddenly, BLAM! A giant flying robot blows her brains out because she could secretly levitate or whatever! Then it’d just fly off leaving a corpse in the middle of the street. Cool, huh?
Okay, one: fucking no, that sounds like a terrible program, nobody would ever approve that. Two: are we seriously now saying that the governments of the world have had access to mutant detecting tech since the seventies? Do you have any idea how much that fucks up the franchise? Three: SURPRISE SHAPESHIFTER, BITCHES!
He morphs into JENNIFER LAWRENCE who starts beating up everybody in the room with her CROTCH FU!
Sorry if you were looking forward to seeing how I developed my cold, bitter personality and kickass martial arts skills. We’ve just assumed that all happened somewhere between movies, so we could jump right to the foot-strangling!
(aims gun at Peter)
THIS IS FOR KILLING EMMA FROST, BANSHEE AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER MUTANTS WHO WERE TOO UNINTERESTING TO BRING BACK, JERK!
But then JAMES, MICHAEL, HUGH and NICHOLAS burst in!
Jennifer, you can’t kill Peter! If you do, not only does the Sentinel program get approved, they also get your DNA and use it to give the Sentinels adaptive abilities!
Oh sure, because I can totally shapeshift into fire or indestructible metal or all that other crap the Sentinels were doing at the beginning of the movie.
Well you can do cashmere, why not?
Meanwhile HUGH starts losing his shit when he sees JOSH HELMAN as a twenty-eight-year-old WILLIAM STRYKER.
But... but in "X-Men Origins: Wolverine", 1973 Stryker was played by forty-seven-year-old Danny Huston! WHERE IS THE FUCKING CONSISTENCY, ARGH BRARLGH
INT. THE FUTURE, BLOWN-TO-SHIT FORTRESS NO. 2
While PAST HUGH has a nervous breakdown, FUTURE HUGH starts flailing wildly and inadvertently slashes ELLEN.
YOWCH! I can’t believe I’m the one single person or thing Hugh uses his claws on in this entire fucking movie. And hey, since when did he get his metal claws back? Didn't he lose them in "The Wolverine"?
Yes, but they were restored when [FOOTAGE NOT FOUND, EH FUCK IT WE'LL PUT AN EXPLANATION IN THE KEY GRIP'S COMMENTARY TO AN EASTER EGG IN THE "LES MISERABLES" THIRTIETH ANNIVERSARY GIFT PACK (REGION 5)]
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM, 1973
MICHAEL magno-grabs JENNIFER'S gun and aims it at her!
Sorry, Jennifer, I can’t risk letting these people get your DNA. Now hold still while I liberally spray this room with your DNA.
He shoots JENNIFER in the LEG just as she jumps out the WINDOW! MICHAEL flies out after her, and NICHOLAS HULKS OUT and PURSUES THEM BOTH!
Okay good, my makeup doesn’t look quite as ridiculous this time! I seem to have upgraded from “bad Thundercats cosplay” to “hairy Tobias Funke”.
JENNIFER SHAPESHIFTS and MICHAEL MAGNETIZES and NICHOLAS BEAST-FIGHTS and the hundreds of people watching FREAK THE FUCK OUT when not busy taking CUTE OLD-TIMEY NEWS FOOTAGE.
Our plan to defuse an anti-mutant panic is going AWESOME!!
In the end JENNIFER manages to morph into a GUY WITH A LIMP and slip away in the confusion.
Not sure why I didn’t just shapeshift into a guy with no limp.
INT. PETER DINKLAGE'S LAB
PETER analyzes some JENNIFER BLOOD left behind by her LEG WOUND.
Excellent, thanks to this, I now have her DNA. And the mutant menace is worldwide news. So that's it, right? Those were my two winning conditions? I win?
(does not win)
INT. XAVIER’S SCHOOL FOR PISSY EMO GITS
Phew, we barely stopped J-Law from shooting Dinklage at a major televised event, even though Fassy tried his best to make the whole situation worse. What's our goal for the rest of the movie?
Ah, the exact same thing. The writers only came up with half a plot, so we’re just doing it twice.
Well fuck. Jennifer’s disappeared, Michael’s also disappeared, and apparently we came all the way back to America before trying to figure out our next move.
I know, how about you stop taking your anti-psychic-powers serum, so you can switch back from useless whining bitch to unstoppable Godlike force?
You don't understand, the serum also cured all my spinal damage! If I stop taking the serum, my spine spontaneously shoots a new bullet into itself.
But heroically, JAMES goes COLD TURKEY. His POWERS COME BACK and his LEGS STOP WORKING and he heads in to try and use CEREBRO.
Argh, it’s no good! I can’t focus because for whatever reason everybody in the world keeps thinking in agonized screams!
Aw, you just need a good pep talk. How about you use my temporally ambiguous brain as a sort of conduit to have a telepathic conversation with future you?
If I did that wouldn’t I technically be sending my mind fifty years through time, which Ellen said would destroy it?
Let’s say no.
INT. FUTURE, BLOWN-TO-SHIT FORTRESS NO. 2
JAMES appears in some kind of hallucinatory fashion to PATRICK.
Wow, you’re me! ...We really don’t look that much alike at all, do we.
To be fair, they weren’t likely to find another actor with my weird tiny hypno-eyes. Now James, your whole problem is that you’ve lost hope. Just regain your faith in a peaceful resolution with the humans and you’ll be fine!
Sure, that should be no sweat AT ALL after this glimpse of the apocalyptic future where humans have fucking murdered all the mutants.
Huh, whaddya know.
EXT. TRAIN RUNNING THROUGH FORESTED REGION - NIGHT
Meanwhile in 1973, the SENTINEL PROTOTYPES are being taken by train to WASHINGTON.
(noticing other military train)
Look at those Kaiju Corps idiots, transporting their nuclear weapon directly towards radiation-consuming beasts on their non-maneuverable train through dense, monster-concealing forest. Good luck with THAT, assholes! MUTANT CORPS FOREVER!
Sir, did you hear something? Y'know, like the cutting shriek of enormous metal tracks being ripped out of the earth directly behind us, sending shockwaves through the train, followed by the piercing wail of those same metal beams being torn lengthwise into fibres?
What, and THEN followed by the loud grinding of those same fibres being interwoven with large mechanical objects?
No, nothing like that. Why?
MICHAEL FASSBENDER FLYING OUTSIDE TRAIN
INT. XAVIER'S SCHOOL FOR PISSY EMO MOSTLY-KILLED-OFF GITS
Alright, I finally mentally located Jennifer, tried half-assedly to talk her out of killing Dinklage, then gave up. All I had was an airport terminal full of people I could mind-control, what else could I do?!?
James, promise me that after all this, you'll find us again. Halle, James Marsden, Famke, me. Well maybe not James Marsden. But especially me.
Don't I just wander out on some random field and everyone's right there? Wait, that's so fucking lame. You're right, we seriously have to retcon THAT shit.
Anything else you recommend I do? Stop 9/11? Buy Apple stock? Perhaps you made a list during our multiple trans-Atlantic flights?
No, I think "save me and my closest friends" covers it.
MICHAEL goes to retrieve his MAGIC HELMET which is kept secure behind METAL DOORS, obviously.
Hmm, can't wear this bitchin' super-cool fedora AND the anti-mind-control helmet. Or can I? Maybe the fedora could fit on top of...
(looks like asshole)
Okay, just the helmet then.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE
PETER and RICHARD NIXON are holding a PRESS CONFERENCE to demonstrate the SENTINEL PROGRAM. Nearby, JAMES & THE GANG search the crowd for JENNIFER instead of MIND-CONTROLLING DINKLAGE TO RUN AWAY or CAUSING A DISTURBANCE SO THE SECRET SERVICE WHISK ALL THE VIPs TO SAFETY or any of that goal-achieving shit.
Ladies and gentlemen, to combat the mutant menace, I give you these fruity purple hairdryer robots!
But then MICHAEL shows up and makes the SENTINELS start SHOOTING POLICE CARS all TERMINATOR 2 STYLE!!
All right, good work Michael! You’ve made it look like the Sentinels are disastrously defective, no way are they going ahead with the program now. Just so long as you stop there-
MICHAEL dumps an uprooted SPORTS STADIUM around the WHITE HOUSE.
Hey there, TV cameras! Check out the mutant threat, attacking your nation's capital!
Oh for fuck’s sake.
Wait, I’m the best hunter and tracker there is. I can sneak up on a skittish deer and out-ninja the best ninjas there are. And with all this debris lying around it’s a perfect chance to sneak up on Michael AW FUCK IT I’M GONNA RUN STRAIGHT AT HIM IN THE WIDE OPEN FROM QUITE FAR AWAY!!! BLAARRGHHH!!!
Oh hey, Hugh. Honestly I’d forgotten you were even here, on account of you having done pretty much jack shit since arriving and warning us.
Well that changes NOW! For once I don’t have my metal skeleton, so there can actually be a Wolverine vs. Magneto fight for the first time in the-
(impaled with metal, dumped into river)
Fuck. I guess now I can’t have any more effect on the past, so it absolutely doesn’t matter at all whether Ellen continues to brainzap me.
INT. FUTURE, BLOWN-TO-SHIT FORTRESS NO. 2
THE MUTANTS are fighting off SENTINELS AGAIN!
MUST KEEP BRAINZAPPING HUGH! IT IS SO IMPORTANT AND CRUCIAL THAT I KEEP BRAINZAPPING HUGH!
SHAWN ASHMORE DIES, AGAIN! OMAR SY DIES! HALLE BERRY DIES! IAN is MORTALLY WOUNDED! ALL THE OTHER FORGETTABLE MUTANTS DIE, AGAIN!! We are expected to CARE ABOUT THIS as though any of it is going to COUNT!
Y'know, when I landed the role of a guy who's been a major figure in the comics for the last 40 years, I figured I'd get a bit more to do.
Wait, this all appears to be happening in parallel with the past events. Is Hugh’s time travel dream happening in real time? Have we actually been sitting here for like three days solid? How many times have I shit myself? How long has Ellen been bleeding out?
I know, right? You’d assume the events in his dream would be happening much faster than waking life. I think I saw that in a movie once.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE, 1973
MICHAEL is about to murder the GOVERNMENT, but NIXON walks out to STOP HIM!
Don’t do it! Kill me if you have to, but spare the others!
...Wait, we’re not seriously saying I fall for this, are we? I’m not talking about the fact that the real Nixon is still visibly there with the other politicians. I just mean... Nixon the hero? Who the fuck would buy that?
NIXON turns into JENNIFER, who pulls out a NON-METAL GUN she had hidden up a SCREENWRITER'S ASS, SHOOTS MICHAEL A LITTLE and then PUNCHES HIM OUT. Then she turns her gun on PETER.
(in Jennifer’s brain)
Woah, stop stop stop! If you don’t kill Peter you’ll look like a hero for saving the president, and people will trust mutants!
How exactly do you figure that? I’m clearly pointing a gun into the crowd of politicians, and now I appear to be ranting insanely to myself. As far as the people watching are concerned, they’ve seen one dangerous evil mutant, and one dangerous crazy mutant.
It doesn't matter. As long as they see one mutant make one decision that helps humans, everything's fine!
Phew, crisis averted! Now let's have everybody see ME decide to let Michael get away, which will not re-ignite the crisis because, er,
The TIME TRAVEL TRANCE ends! Everyone in the BLOWN-TO-SHIT FUTURE abruptly VANISHES, their timeline and continuity having been UTTERLY and COMPLETELY ERASED, crushing the last hopes of TYLER MANE fans everywhere.
INT. THE FUTURE - XAVIER’S SCHOOL FOR SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS
HUGH unlocks the BEST ENDING! Everyone is alive again, including FAMKE JANSSEN and JAMES MARSDEN! US ambassador KELSEY GRAMMER is wandering the halls for some reason! ANNA PAQUIN appears wordlessly for two seconds and winds up with SEVENTH BILLING!
This is awesome! Except now I have no memory of the past fifty years. Oh well, guess I could do with some fresh amnesia, the old stuff was getting stale.
PATRICK STEWART hovers up in his HOVERCHAIR.
Oh good, Hugh’s time-travel brain has caught up with the future! I’m so pleased that the Wolverine I’ve mentored, fought alongside, and bonded with for years has just had his consciousness annihilated.
Huh, fifty years have passed, and you didn't come up with any plan to save the other Wolverine's mind? Clone, robot, nothing?
Well, it's also been fifty years where Beast hasn't bothered to develop a non-power-stealing version of my walking serum. We've basically spent half a century masturbating.
So by my count we’ve just erased three entire X-Men movies and one and a half Wolverines, the most recent of which didn't even get to exist for a full twelve months. What has even happened in this franchise now?
Whatever the hell future installments say has happened, that’s what. It’s a continuity blank slate! From here on out we can throw in whatever crap we want, flagrantly disregarding what came before!
Pretty sure that’s what we’ve been doing all along.
Anyway, now that we know rewriting history has zero downside, and I've been around since the 1840s, whaddya want to try next? Kill Hitler? Save Lincoln? Stop the Titanic? Holy fuck we just re-invented Quantum Leap.
EXT. BACK IN 1973
JOSH HELMAN collects HUGH from the river.
And now I can give him his metal skeleton, as I'm destined to. Yup, some things DO remain constant and JUST KIDDING IT'S ME, JENNIFER LAWRENCE! That's right bitches, the story continues HERE, totally kneecaping the resolution of the movie YOU JUST WATCHED! WE REALLY CANNOT STOP FUCKING OUR SHIT UP EVEN FOR FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES!!! BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
OCTAGENARIAN HALLE BERRY
You said it, J-Law!
(signs Magna Carta)
Half the AUDIENCE sits through the entire ten-minute CLOSING CREDITS and all they get is an indecipherable snippet of a PYRAMID being built by a TELEKINETIC NAVI or some shit.