Hey! Stop it! Can't you see she's turning bl-- oh, right.


Hey! Stop it! Can't you see she's turning bl-- oh, right.

X-MEN: APOCALYPSE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. PYRAMID, ANCIENT EGYPT

OSCAR ISAAC is strapped to an ALTAR by a bunch of CRAZY MUTANTS.

CRAZY TELEKINETIC CHICK

Oscar, our supermutant god wants your Deadpoolverine-esque healing powers. To that end we’re gonna shove his consciousness into your head, erasing your mind from existence.

OSCAR ISAAC

Okay, do what you gotta do.

CRAZY TELEKINETIC CHICK

Also this will give you his stupid sad-clown Klingon Smurf face.

OSCAR ISAAC

NOOO I DON’T WANT PAYPHONE-CABLE DREADLOCKS GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE

But then some REBELLIOUS SLAVES press the ANCIENT EGYPTIAN EQUIVALENT of a SELF-DESTRUCT BUTTON, and the PYRAMID disintegrates into the INEXPLICABLY DEEP PIT OF NOTHINGNESS which was beneath it for some reason!

SLAVES

We collapsed the pyramid by destroying its pillars! Because that's how the pyramids of Egypt were constructed. They were held up with pillars.

CRAZY TELEKINETIC CHICK

SHIT! Must use telekinetic powers to protect myself, then use them to carefully shift me and Oscar’s pulverized, but superhumanly healable, body out of the rubble!

(pause)

OR I could waste my telekinesis protecting Oscar’s indestructible body, letting myself get smushed and Oscar be buried helplessly for thousands of years, sure let’s go with THAT genius option.

(squished)

The OPENING TITLES zoom us kitschily through the GRAPHICS of a 90s EDUTAINMENT GAME, halting when paralyzed by the LOUD, GARISH OBNOXIOUSNESS of 1983.

INT. EAST GERMAN FIGHT CLUB, 1983

Some ASSHOLES are betting on illegal MUTANT FIGHTS.

ASSHOLE CLUB OWNER

Welcome to a showdown between the most dangerous, lethal mutants we could find, who we normal back-alley thugs were able to subdue and capture somehow! In the red corner, having just murdered The Blob apparently, is... Angel? What the fuck, aren’t you supposed to be being born right about now?

BEN HARDY

Well, maybe all that time travel stuff from Days of Future Past altered the timeline so that I was retroactively born already or something?

ASSHOLE CLUB OWNER

Ugh, we’re gonna be falling on the time travel excuse to handwave fucking EVERYTHING, aren’t we. Oh well, in the blue corner we have Kodi Smit-McPhee AKA gawky teen Nightcrawler, another blue mutant, seriously why is “blue” the most common mutant power?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(raises hand)

I’m not blue!

ASSHOLE CLUB OWNER

So you aren’t. Are you EVER gonna catch up to Rebecca “Always Naked Blue Scales” Romijn?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I’d probably be there already, but in between First Class and now I sorta became the most bankable face in movies, you don’t cover that shit up.

JENNIFER rescues KODI and BEN.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Jen, you're a hero!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I'm a not a hero, I’m a brooding loner who travels the world getting into fights and trying to forget my violent past. When I'm not showing my hidden heart of gold I'm OH SHIT I’VE BECOME WOLVERINE. FUCK.

MEANWHILE...

INT. POLISH CABIN

MICHAEL FASSBENDER is hiding out in POLAND.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

I must lay low for now, but soon the time will come that I’ll be able to assert mutant supremacy over the inferior-

ADORABLE LITTLE GIRL

What are you talking about, Daddy?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

“Daddy”?

He looks around to see his BELOVED WIFE AND CHILD in the room.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

GAH! Who the hell are you people?

BEAUTIFUL WIFE

Why I’m the non-mutant you fell in love with and married, and this is our daughter, silly! You’ve been living a peaceful and quiet life, being friends with humans, for the past decade.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

But... what about the inevitable war, and mutant brotherhood, and my other various deranged obsessions?

BEAUTIFUL WIFE

Okay, yes, you did seem as psychotically devoted to those as ever last time we saw you, but at some unspecified point since that time you must have shrugged your shoulders and said “Meh, the hell with it”.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Damnit, what is it with this trilogy and its love of having all the biggest pieces of character development happen between movies?

ADORABLE LITTLE GIRL

Daddy, can you promise me we'll always be a family? Can you promise that we'll never be ripped apart by some unforeseen tragedy Daddy? It'll never ever happen right?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Hoh boy, I can already taste the vengeful rampage I'll pursue once you guys are massacred. Followed by the tearful pleadings that I'm better than this. Followed by the vaguely redeeming gesture at the end.

MEANWHILE...

INT. XAVIER’S SCHOOL FOR CONTINUITY SNARLS

TYE SHERIDAN arrives at the X-MANSION as a new STUDENT.

TYE SHERIDAN

Hey everyone, I’m the young Cyclops! Some of you probably know Havok, my older brother. My much, much, much, ridiculously much older brother.

SOPHIE TURNER

(bumping into Tye)

Hey watch it! Are you blind?

TYE SHERIDAN

Am I...am I blind!? Do you even see the fucking bandages on my eyes?

SOPHIE TURNER

Dude, my powers allow me to know every intimate detail about a person, not about what they're wearing on their face.

TYE SHERIDAN

Ugh, I find you so annoying! But don’t worry, I do start to like you and treat you nice eventually.

(pause)

And by “eventually”, I mean “the split second I get control of my eyes back and realize you’re pretty”.

LANA CONDOR

And I’m Jubilee, one of the main characters from the beloved X-Men animated series, finally appearing in this film franchise for the first time! My powers are

MEANWHILE...

INT. CAVE IN CAIRO

ROSE BYRNE is investigating a bunch of CULTY DUDES who have dug up part of an ancient PYRAMID.

ROSE BYRNE

Geez, do we really need so many different groups of characters in so many different locations? I honestly don’t even know if this abridged script has these scenes in the right order.

The CULT GUYS awaken OSCAR, and ROSE escapes as the CAVE EXPLODES.

OSCAR ISAAC

AHHH, AFTER FIVE THOUSAND YEARS I’M FREE! IT’S TIME TO CONQUER EARTH!

INT. POLISH SMELTING PLANT

The TREMOR from the CAVE EXPLOSION is felt at MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S WORKPLACE TWO THOUSAND MILES AWAY somehow. A giant cauldron of MOLTEN STEEL nearly falls on a WORKER, but MICHAEL MAGNETIZES IT OUT OF THE WAY.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Oh no, everybody saw me gesture towards the cauldron before it magically moved! My secret is out!

WORKER

Yeah well, considering how many times these movies have shown you just moving metal with your mind, maybe next time don’t bother with the big theatrical arm flourish, idiot.

MICHAEL hurries home, only to find that POLICE have already taken his DAUGHTER into the woods, where they wait with BOWS AND ARROWS.

POLICEMAN

That’s right, us 1980s Polish police officers are all trained archers, it DOES TOO make sense! The point is that we haven’t brought any metal you can use against us.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

And for some reason I too haven’t brought any metal I can use against you. I guess I’ll come quietly.

ADORABLE LITTLE GIRL

No, don’t arrest my dad! Behold my MUTANT WRATH!

MICHAEL’S DAUGHTER unleashes... birds?

POLICEMAN

OH SHIT! BIRDS! ...Just birds, flying around our heads. Not pecking us or clawing us, just sort of flapping around.

(pause)

Well I’m assuming that was supposed to lead somewhere, so how about the flappy birds distract me so that I accidentally let go of my arrow, which happened to be pointed in the exact right direction to go straight through the hearts of Michael’s entire family.

The POLICEMAN accidentally turn MICHAEL’S WIFE AND DAUGHTER into a HUMAN SHISH KEBAB. MICHAEL KILLS THE COPS in a FIT OF RAGE.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

So this is what I get for trying to be just a regular guy? Well fuck it, might as well be evil then!

(pause)

Seriously, that’s my actual motivation from here on out. Not “I was a fool to think peaceful coexistence was possible”. Just “What the hell, let’s go do evil shit”.

EXT. X-MANSION GROUNDS

PROFESSOR JAMES McAVOY is training TYE in his powers.

JAMES MCAVOY

Tye, I want you to unleash your eye lasers!

TYE SHERIDAN

Um, shouldn't you step outside my field of vision before I use my sight-based death beams...?

JAMES MCAVOY

Nah, I know you’re afraid of your dangerous eye beams which can't make up their minds whether they burn things or just smash them, but I promise you can learn to control them. Just look over at that archery target across the lake there-

TYE opens his eyes and DEMOLISHES HALF THE GROUNDS.

JAMES MCAVOY

OH SHIT I SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THIS IN PUBLIC. HOLY FUCK, IF HIS HEAD HAD WHIPPED TEN MORE DEGREES TO THE LEFT HE WOULD HAVE MURDERED LIKE TWENTY KIDS. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING.

(pause)

Uhh, I mean, it’s all good! Kids like you and Sophie may be worried about hurting people with your abilities, but rest assured that me and my soothing monotone will always be here to mentor you through-

NICHOLAS HOULT

(running up)

Hey Professor, there’s something going on with that Rose Byrne chick you want to bang-

JAMES MCAVOY

Fire up the jet I’ll be there in forty seconds SEEYA KIDS

(leaves)

INT. ROSE’S SPY OFFICE

JAMES arrives to see ROSE.

JAMES MCAVOY

Wow, you look great! Seriously, it’s like you’ve only aged five years in the past two decades, without even having any mutations to flimsily justify it.

ROSE BYRNE

I’m sorry, do I know you?

JAMES MCAVOY

Of course you do. I mean sure, I wiped your memory at the end of First Class, but only your memories from the attack on the CIA onwards. You absolutely should still remember meeting me.

ROSE BYRNE

(shrugs apologetically)

JAMES MCAVOY

Come on, you even know about the mindwipe! The last time we saw you, you were explaining about it to your superiors!

ROSE BYRNE

(blank look)

JAMES MCAVOY

Ugh, fine, just tell me what’s going on in Cairo.

ROSE BYRNE

Okay, it’s about this guy Oscar Isaac. He was supposedly the first mutant and was worshipped as a god; his followers called him

(indecipherable mumble)

In the comics he also went by Apocalypse, although we never call him that in the movie so you’re stuck referring to him as

(presumably the same indecipherable mumble)

Until he got Wolverine powers, he used to extend his life by shifting his consciousness into new bodies, how sick is that?

JAMES MCAVOY

(avoiding eye contact)

Yes well maybe it’d be okay if he happened to have a brain-dead guy stashed away for such an eventuality or something.

ROSE BYRNE

Well, now that I’ve given you that infodump and thus served my only plot function, I guess I’ll just return to my business and you can continue the movie without me.

JAMES MCAVOY

Nonsense! Come to my mansion, we’ve got all kinds of shots coming up that need to be filled out with people standing around uselessly.

EXT. STREETS OF CAIRO

OSCAR is out WANDERING RANDOMLY AROUND when he meets ALEXANDRA SHIPP as a young STORM.

OSCAR ISAAC

Ancient gibberish ancient gibberish?

ALEXANDRA SHIPP

Oh that’s right, you wouldn’t know any languages that currently exist. If only you could just absorb English directly out of my TV, but for a mutant from five thousand years ago to have the power to intercept and interpret broadcast signals would be totally fucking-

OSCAR ISAAC

(grabs TV)

Ah, that’s better! And ooh, they’re playing like fifty movies with generic apocalyptic villains, and there’s so much clichéd mumbo-jumbo to choose from now! “Everything they have built, we will destroy.” “Together we will cleanse the earth for the strongest.” “I’ve been called many things over many lifetimes.” Awesome! I’m just gonna say all of these, in a row, in lieu of dialogue.

(switches off TV)

Anyway, come help me kill all humans.

ALEXANDRA SHIPP

Why the FUCK would I do that?

OSCAR ISAAC

I don’t know. Maybe I put you under some kind of mind control? Although later there’s a big thing about me needing to obtain mind control powers. Look, just don’t question it, I’m building an entourage and to fill it out I need to find the most awesomely, ball-shrivellingly powerful mutants on the planet.

OLIVIA MUNN

(next mutant he meets)

Hi there, my power is that I have this light saber/whip thing. Zap. Zap.

OSCAR ISAAC

Fuck it, that’ll do! Tell me where some more SUPER DEADLY AND WORLD-BENDING mutants are!

OLIVIA MUNN

I think I can do that. I have access to a massive underworld database on mutants, after all.

(grabs Ben Hardy)

Look, he’s got bird wings! He can flap around with his bird wings!

OSCAR ISAAC

...Okay seriously, what happened to mutants while I was gone?

OLIVIA MUNN

Hey, I’d take you to an all-powerful mutant like Michael if I could, but he’s been completely off the grid for the past decade so there’s no way-

NEWSCASTER

This just in: Michael Fassbender’s location has been discovered, like exactly today, for reasons completely unrelated to the main plot.

OLIVIA MUNN

Well THAT is convenient.

OSCAR ISAAC

Come! I will teleport us to Michael’s workplace, whose address was given out on the news apparently, on the obscure chance that he’s gone back there right now for some reason!

They go and recruit MICHAEL.

OSCAR ISAAC

And now I will improve your mutant powers! Michael, you now have the ability to affect iron ore in the earth itself, and thus rip up entire cities!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

FUCK YEAH!

OSCAR ISAAC

And Alexandra, now you have the exact same weather powers Storm always has!

ALEXANDRA SHIPP

Um... thanks?

OSCAR ISAAC

Ben, your wings are now made of metal!

BEN HARDY

Wait, now they’re way too heavy to possibly fly-

OSCAR ISAAC

You can also shoot spikes from your body!

BEN HARDY

I’m the porcupine man from X-Men 3. Fantastic.

OSCAR ISAAC

And Olivia, you get... I dunno, a slightly bigger light saber.

OLIVIA MUNN

Seriously, what the fuck do you even need me for?

INT. XAVIER’S SCHOOL FOR JUST WAY TOO MANY CHARACTERS

JENNIFER and KODI show up at the X-MANSION.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

James, the news says Michael’s family just got offed, you need to get in touch with him to make sure he doesn’t go on some kind of murder rampage!

JAMES MCAVOY

Say what? Nicholas! Why didn’t your media-scanning system pick up on this? By rights we should already be all over this thing!

NICHOLAS HOULT

I know, but the writers needed to create some stuff for Jennifer to do.

JAMES uses CEREBRO to link up with MICHAEL. But OSCAR butts in on the transmission.

OSCAR ISAAC

What you got there, a psychic amplification device? Awesome! I want to have a go!

He hijacks JAMES’S POWERS and controls people in SUBMARINES and MISSILE SILOS around the world to launch all their NUKES into SPACE!

OSCAR ISAAC

HAH! No idea how I was able to find all those technicians, whose locations and identities were government secrets I had no means of accessing, but I just disarmed the world!

JAMES MCAVOY

Oscar! Why are you destroying our nukes?

OSCAR ISAAC

So no one can stop me from destroying civilization!

JAMES MCAVOY

I...wouldn't it just be simpler to aim the missiles AT civilization? You're trying to beat a mouse to death with a rattlesnake here.

OSCAR and his BROS teleport over and KIDNAP JAMES!

LUCAS TILL

Don’t worry, James! I, Havok, who am in this movie, will stop them with my chest laser!

NICHOLAS HOULT

Wait stop, if they teleport away your laser blast will hit my private collection of rocket fuel, dynamite and propane canisters-

OSCAR teleports away and a GINORMOUS EXPLOSION IS TRIGGERED!

NICHOLAS HOULT

SHIT! I sure hope that the one mutant with the ability to save us all from this explosion happens to have arrived out front this very minute by total coincidence!

EXT. OUTSIDE

That very minute, EVAN PETERS is arriving out front.

EVAN PETERS

Hark! Do I detect a ginormous explosion starting to happen inside that building, even though no light or sound from it has reached me yet so how the fuck can I tell?

(cracks knuckles)

Welp, this looks like a good opportunity to try desperately to recreate the breakout appeal of that one scene from Days of Future Past!

He uses his SUPER SPEED to get all the PEOPLE safely clear of the IN-PROGRESS EXPLOSION.

SUPER-CAVILL

Wait, THAT WAS AN OPTION?!

EVAN PETERS

Heh, wasn’t that a fun, wacky scene? Did you see the bit with the dog eating pizza? And that guy trying to make out with that chick? Hilarious, amirite?

NICHOLAS HOULT

Oh God, the mansion is destroyed! DESTROYED! This is a HORRIFYING TRAGEDY!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

LUCAS IS DEEEAAD!

(breaks down sobbing)

EVAN PETERS

Sheesh, tough crowd.

ROSE BRYNE

But...the last movie established that anything Evan carries is still effected by momentum and whiplash! We should be DEAD.

Suddenly JOSH HELMAN and his GOVERNMENT GOONS show up in a HELICOPTER.

JOSH HELMAN

We’re here because a super-psychic, presumably James, just launched all the world’s nukes! The appropriate response to this is to come to this address and abduct a semi-random bunch of unrelated mutants, let’s say, Evan, Jennifer, and Nicholas. Oh, is Rose still in the movie? Might as well take her too I guess.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Hang on, that nuke launch only happened five minutes ago. Have you guys been waiting around in an idling helicopter, like four blocks away or something, just in case something like this happened?

JOSH helicopters his ABDUCTEES away, unaware that SOPHIE, TYE and KODI have just arrived at the mansion.

TYE SHERIDAN

That's right, we conveniently arrived just in time to find Josh who conveniently arrived just in time to take advantage of an explosion that Evan conveniently arrived just in time to save everyone from Holy God there are so many plot contrivances in this scene.

KODI teleports everyone onto one of the CHOPPERS.

TYE SHERIDAN

Great! Now teleport us out of the cage Kodi!

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

I can’t teleport through the cage’s electrical field!

TYE SHERIDAN

Then how did you teleport us INTO the cage?

SOPHIE TURNER

Damn, the electricity is defeating my telepathy too!

TYE SHERIDAN

Wonderful. Mutantkind’s kryptonite is a mild electric current.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Don’t worry, we’ll eventually escape through

(mumbles)

INT. EVIL LAB

JENNIFER, NICHOLAS and EVAN are all being held in a special ANTI-MUTANT CELL. Oh, and ROSE is there.

EVAN PETERS

Well now that we have some quiet time, I might as well explain that the reason I got involved in any of this is that it turns out Michael is my father.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Okay, I know that’s from the comics, but take a moment and consider this from the context of just these movies. That feels like something we’ve pulled out of the most random, obscure ass in the cosmos.

EVAN PETERS

I know, right? I mean, the whole time Michael was travelling Europe on his pre-First Class hunt for vengeance, when did he find time to wander stateside and bang some anonymous suburban chick? Doesn’t make a damn bit of sense.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the facility SOPHIE, TYE and KODI find an intriguing GIANT METAL CAGE.

SOPHIE TURNER

My psychicness tells me that the guy in there is some psychotically violent living weapon.

TYE SHERIDAN

Then why do they keep him in the generator room?

SOPHIE TURNER

He sounds like some kind of…animal.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

(realisation hits)

Oh no...

SOPHIE TURNER

Maybe he can fight the guards for us!

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

No! Stop! We can still have one movie without him!

SOPHIE TURNER

I’m going to release him!

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

AAARGH!! NO! NO! NO! WE ALMOST HAD ONE MOVIE WITHOUT GODDAM WOLVERINE!!

Out of the cage strides HUGH JACKMAN OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, WE SERIOUSLY CAN’T GO ONE FUCKING X-MEN MOVIE WITHOUT HAVING WOLVERINE SHOVED IN OUR FACES, CAN WE.

HUGH JACKMAN

RAARHAAHH!! What the hell am I even doing here?! Didn’t Jennifer save me from these guys at the end of the last movie?! What was the point of that then RURGH DIEEE

He STABS THE LIVING SHIT out of FIFTY GUARDS, getting to do about A THOUSAND TIMES as much ACTION in ONE MINUTE OF SCREENTIME as he did in the ENTIRE PREVIOUS MOVIE.

TYE SHERIDAN

To be clear, "murder everyone" is EXACTLY why Sophie let him out the cage, despite the fact that she could probably control the guards with her mind.

SOPHIE TURNER

Wait, we haven’t milked your cameo enough yet! Let me stare tenderly into your eyes for an uncomfortably long time while I take off your goofy helmet thing and restore some of your memories, even though you shouldn’t have lost them in this timeline-

HUGH JACKMAN

Cut it out! Every second that visibly-aging Wolverine stands next to Teen Jean, our romantic tension from the other movies gets retroactively creepier!

He runs off and SOPHIE, TYE and KODI go break out JENNIFER, NICHOLAS and EVAN (and ROSE).

SOPHIE TURNER

Okay, we’ve resolved this crisis which arose out of nowhere and has utterly nothing to do with the main plotline! Now let’s get out of-

Suddenly, there is an INCOMING PSYCHIC MESSAGE from JAMES.

JAMES MCAVOY

(in brains)

Attention, people of Earth! Oscar Isaac has bid me to deliver you a message. He is going to wipe the humans off the face of the planet, and also HE IS A BIG BLUE BALLSACK AND HE SMELLS LIKE A FART, HA HA HA P.S. HERE ARE MY COORDINATES SOPHIE-

(cut off)

SOPHIE TURNER

Oh my God, we have to go save him! Let’s fly to those coordinates, where we can surely trust Oscar to still be even though he’s been teleporting all over the world the entire movie.

EXT. EGYPT AGAIN I THINK

OSCAR ISAAC

Damnit James! Oh well, I guess it’s my own fault for not just hijacking your powers like I did the first time.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Anyway, what’s the plan, boss?

OSCAR ISAAC

You’ll use your new city-collapsing powers to magnetize the planet and destroy everything. Then I’ll rule over the remains of civilization, which will consist entirely of just the mutants whose powers allow them to survive having a building collapse on them.

ALEXANDER SHIPP

Uhhh. Do we need a repeat of the symposium scene from the "X-Men: First Class" script?

OSCAR ISAAC

Then I’ll put my consciousness into James, giving me his power and allowing me to control all humans, thus making the other plan of killing them all entirely unnecessary!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

...Maybe you should just focus on the one plan for now? Like, say you do the consciousness transfer thing, and a jet full of enemies shows up, it might be handy if the guy who could just instantly crumple it into a wad full of corpses was free to help out.

OSCAR ISAAC

NO! BOTH PLANS! BOTH PLANS AT THE SAME TIME! First, I need a pyramid.

He builds a GIANT PYRAMID by DISINTEGRATING AN ENTIRE CITY with his MIND.

OLIVIA MUNN

SERIOUSLY, what the FUCK do you need ANY OF US for?!

MICHAEL starts TEARING PLANET EARTH A NEW ONE while OSCAR starts putting his MIND into JAMES. Then JENNIFER, NICHOLAS, EVAN, SOPHIE, TYE and KODI show up! Plus ROSE.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

All right people, here's the plan. Evan and I are gonna go to try and talk Michael out of being such a dipshit, Kodi is gonna save James. All the other random characters, just sort of fight each other without having any effect on anything that matters.

EVAN PETERS

Alternate plan: I could punch out Olivia, Ben and Alexandra, then go rescue James, and then you and me could still be up talking to Michael in two seconds’ time.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Damnit, this was always going to be the problem with making you a permanent part of the team. Everyone forget what Evan just said and do your thing.

ROSE BYRNE

What about me, what do you want me to do?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

You realize that James violated your mind to erase your memories of the time you spent together. You'll find this romantic.

JENNIFER and EVAN head up to talk to MICHAEL.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Michael, cut it out, your motivation for doing this is totally underwritten and dumb! Just stop!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Hmmm, you may have a point. Let me consider it for a bit, while I keep destroying cities in the meantime.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Oh come on! Evan, want to step in here? Any revelations you might want to add, that might make Michael feel like he has something to live for, and stop him from causing any more earthquakes? AHEM?

EVAN PETERS

Nah, I’m good.

Meanwhile KODI saves JAMES from the MIND TRANSFER.

OSCAR ISAAC

Oh you JERKS! Why'd you have to come here and ensure this finale had four different blue people? I STRANGLE JENNIFER NOW!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Urk! Well Michael? Oscar’s murdering one of your closest friends in front of your eyes, are you gonna stop obeying him or what?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

I’m THINKING! Don’t rush me! God!

JAMES MCAVOY

Wait, that botched transferrence left me a link to Oscar’s brain! Maybe I can incept him to death or something!

JAMES enters a PSYCHIC MIND BATTLE with OSCAR.

JAMES MCAVOY

AHA! Now see how little your god powers avail you, attempting a mental battle against a guy whose whole deal is that he has the most phenomenally powerful brain in-

OSCAR effortlessly KICKS THE PSYCHOLOGICAL SHIT out of JAMES.

JAMES MCAVOY

Well, fuck. But I have an ace up my sleeve: another psychic who is nowhere near as powerful or trained as I am! NOW, SOPHIE!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Wait! Let me help! I never would have destroyed half the world if I knew there was a chance Jennifer might get hurt!

ALEXANDRA SHIPP

I've also changed sides for no reason!

OSCAR has his mind COMPLETELY DESTROYED by SOPHIE, is impaled by dozens of METAL SHARDS from MICHAEL, gets fried by ALEXANDRA'S lightning, is burnt to a crisp by TYE, and is vaporized by SOPHIE in the real world.

OSCAR ISAAC

You sure you don't wanna run me over with a steamroller too? Fuck you guys.

(poisoned)

(bludgeoned)

(garrotted)

(dies)

EXT. XAVIER’S SCHOOL PILE OF RUBBLE FOR GIFTED YOUNGSTERS

With the day saved, MICHAEL and SOPHIE are using their MAGNETISM, TELEKINESIS, and apparently their COMPREHENSIVE KNOWLEDGE of CONSTRUCTION and STRUCTURAL ENGINEERING to rebuild the X-MANSION.

SOPHIE TURNER

Sweet! Now maybe we should use those powers to help rebuild any of the thousands of other buildings that got destroyed?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Ha, that’s cute! But seriously, I’m leaving. Having been brought back from the brink of despair by being reminded that I’m not alone, I’m now going to head off and be completely alone. Laters!

JAMES MCAVOY

Wait, we can’t leave it like that, surely. I mean, you killed how many people? Fifty million? Sixty? You’re now the greatest mass murderer in history, and we’re supposed to just let you walk away?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Yeah, and when I killed just one guy in "Days of Future Past" it led to a full-blown mutant apocalypse. I'm guessing the future is now an infinite ocean of genital-eating spiders.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

But I had a change of heart at the last possible second, which makes it all better, see? Bye now!

(leaves)

ALEXANDRA SHIPP

On the bright side, Evan and I are X-Men now! Despite being a slacker and a supervillain lackey respectively!

(frowns)

Wait, that seems grossly out of character. Almost as if we're being mind-

JAMES MCAVOY

(puts hand to temple)

NOPE OF COURSE NOT IT'S ALL IN YOUR IMAGINATION HA HA HA.

(looks directly at camera)

In fact, this whole movie was well-structured and coherent! The audience had a GOOD TIME. A GOOOOD TIIIME.

(pause)

(checks Rotten Tomatoes)

...Well, it was worth a try.

END

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