WILD WILD WEST
The Abridged Script
EXT. CREEPY WOODS -- NIGHT
An OLD SCARED GUY is running through the woods, and gets killed in a strange and bizarre fashion. OPENING CREDITS FOR THE WILD WEST-FILES begins playing, and they are COOL.
OLD GUYS IN THE AUDIENCE
Hey, that's just like the old show, cool!
YOUNG GUYS IN THE AUDIENCE
Yo, where the heck is that cool Wild Wild West song?
INT. OLD WEST WHOREHOUSE -- NIGHT
We see an ugly woman, obviously KEVIN KLINE, acting like a fool. This is a clever introduction, because drag queens are always FUNNY.
(Running around Half-Naked, beating up random bad guys)
Yo! Wassup y'all, ya ready't'git jiggy wid it?! It's July 4th an'I'm back baby!
DRAG QUEEN KEVIN
Well, I do declare! You look like a gung-ho moronic cowboy, and you sound funny too.
Shut up girly-foo, 'fore I bust a lead cap up your wild wild ass!
The YOUNG MALE AUDIENCE immediately agrees with whatever Will says, and wonders who the heck this wimpy Kevin whats-his-name is.
YOUNG FEMALE AUDIENCE
Wasn't George Clooney going to be in this thing? YM Magazine said so last year....
EXT - WHITE HOUSE c. 1880s -- DAY
We see lots of SHEEP, HORSES, DONKEYS, COWS, FLAMINGOS, RAKES, and TRICYCLES in the White House Lawn. This is also quite FUNNY, and part of the original clever pitch for this film. We then see KEVIN KLINE again, in another disguise, so we get the point that he was a master of disguise in the old show. He also plays the PRESIDENT, for no reason. He gives a big OSCAR-CALIBER SPEECH to WIMPY KLINE and WILL SMITH.
I have recently discovered the value of pairing a straitlaced white law enforcement officer with a wise- cracking black partner. I need you to go stop this mad man from taking over our fine country, god bless it, and I'm hoping you two will do the trick. Perhaps then, in a trickle effect, every authority figure down in history will begin to do this, and make more work opportunities for Will-wannabes, who is an Eddie-Wannabe. However, I think you both are acting like idiots, so go get the bad guy. That's all.
ENTIRE MALE AUDIENCE
(Looking at their watches)
WHERE'S SALMA HAYEK!?!
E.T. then makes a SMALL CAMEO appearance.
INT. WILL AND KEVIN'S REALLY COOL TRAIN -- DAY
KEVIN and WILL ad-lib fighting and insults, because the script was lost that day. After about ten minutes of that, they hurry out PLAN B, also known as SALMA HAYEK, who is HALF-NAKED.
Hello you two strong cowboys, the evil man you're after has kidnapped my father, who is a great scientist. You must take me with you, so we can stop him together.
KEVIN is drooling, but WILL has had enough women for a few days.
Hell no woman! We'd end up in the saddle, and that would get us an 'R' rating.
SALMA flashes her buns.
Okay, you can come. But no more of that, y'hear?
SALMA flashes her buns again. After more nudity, some unfunny sexual humor, a few "they're gay" jabs, and a little bit of cool sci-fi technology, we thankfully near the end of this debacle.
INT - SPIDER CANYON CITY - DAY
KENNETH BRANAGH performs "Horny Evil Genius Foghorn Leghorn" w/ BIZZARE FACIAL HAIR. He is known as DR. LEGLESS. Somewhere he has PRESIDENT KLINE, WIMPY KLINE, DRAG QUEEN KLINE, SALMA HAYEK, and DONKEY KLINE (in a cross-cameo from A MIDSUMMER'S NIGHT DREAM) captive.
DR LEGLESS AKA MINI-BRANAGH
To kill or not to kill, that is the question.
But you don't have any legs.
DR LEGLESS AKA MINI-BRANAGH
(HEAVY on the accent)
Thank yew for yarh ki-ind cah-ments yew Sha-ayk-spear-ian poser, sir. Go make out with Tom Selleck some more.
Suddenly DRAG QUEEN WILL appears, because the test audiences didn't seem to get the joke the first time around with DRAG QUEEN KEVIN. DRAG QUEEN WILL acts like an idiot, distracting people enough to make DR LEGLESS aka MINI-BRANAGH jump on his SUPER-SPIDER-WEAPON with the DAMSEL IN DISTRESS for the grand finale.
BIG TOUGH WILL
Yeah, here's another action figure WB can make. Ass-whupin' Will!
He then beats up a bunch of bizarre bad guys, peppering us with stupid one liners that make Schwarzenegger look like Mamet.
(tries to think of a funny line)
Uh..take this..you Legless.. uh..Legless?
Director BARRY SONNENFELD smacks his forehead. BIG WILL then KILLS DR LEGLESS aka MINI-BRANAGH. SALMA and all the KEVINs are yawning with boredom.
YOUNG TEEN AUDIENCE
Dude, they should have like, had more aliens in this movie.
No, they should have had Robert Conrad in this! A Black Jim West indeed...
After staring silently around at each other, the puny group of cast members disperse from the OBVIOUS DESERT REAR-BLUE-SCREEN-PROJECTION/SET.
WILL and ALL THE KEVINs go to pick out curtains, and SALMA disappears in embarrassment after one last display of her REAR-BLINKERS, never to do a Hollywood film again.
(Putting on a Brave Front)
There, I told you I'd mess with a great old TV show, and I did. Happy Fourth of July!
FINALLY, the really cool WILD WILD WEST song plays over the credits.
YOUNG TEEN AUDIENCE WITH "THREE-MINUTE MEMORY"
Yo! That movie was cool! Wicki-Whil- Whil...uh...let's go to Burger King.
END...until the sequel.