"HELL YEAH I'm down for some spontaneous LARPing! Let's do this, verily!!! "


"HELL YEAH I'm down for some spontaneous LARPing! Let's do this, verily!!! "

WONDER WOMAN

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. NEW MARVEL-ESQUE DC ANIMATED TITLE SEQUENCE

And if you think this is the only thing this movie will lift from the MCU, ooh boy are you in for a surprise.

INT. THE LOUVRE - GRIMDARK PRESENT

GAL GADOT works as the most well dressed curator ever when she receives an old timey photograph from THE BATFLECK.

GAL GADOT

Wow, this photo reminds me of the time FLASSSSSHBAAAAAAAACK

INT. PARADISE ISLAND - THE PAST

The entire place is inhabited by warrior women in XENA outfits who are being trained in the ancient art of LEAPING INTO THE AIR in SLOW MOTION, shooting arrows, and then LANDING at REGULAR SPEED.

YOUNG GAL is a scrappy little runt who can’t wait to learn how to WRECK some FOOLS.

YOUNG GAL

Soon I too will be taught how to effortlessly murder people!

CONNIE NIELSEN

No Gal! As your mother and queen of the Amazons I forbid you from learning the deadly combat skills our entire culture is based on!

YOUNG GAL

But I really wanna learn! Please let Auntie Robin teach me!

ROBIN WRIGHT

Yeah come on sis, she’s adorable. She’s even wearing little kid-sized murder bracelets.

CONNIE NIELSEN

Oh alright, but... Hey wait a minute, why do we all sound Israeli?

ROBIN WRIGHT

Because adult Gal can’t do any accents other than her own. She's basically the new Schwarzenegger.

ROBIN teaches YOUNG GAL how to be a KILLING MACHINE.

ROBIN WRIGHT

A “female empowered” killing machine. It’s about time women were equally represented as being superhuman psychopaths.

YOUNG GAL

Hey, if there are no men on this island where did I come from?

CONNIE NIELSEN

I molded you out of clay and Zeus breathed life into you.

YOUNG GAL

That sounds even more ridiculous than The Stork story, but given I am a dumb kid and will never be exposed to a dissenting opinion I will believe this well into adulthood.

CONNIE NIELSEN

That’s the spirit! But then the god of war Ares corrupted mankind and killed all the gods, however Zeus left us this badass God Killer sword to stop Ares when he returns. Only a true gangsta can wield the sword.

YOUNG GAL

Hold my beer.

YOUNG GAL grows up to be GAL GADOT, KICKER OF ALL THE ASSES. She has to face off against top warrior ROBIN and accidently throws a HADUKEN at her!

GAL GADOT

Suffering Sappho I nearly killed Auntie Robin! Wait, how was I able to make an energy blast with my wrists? Clay can’t do that. I’m starting to think maybe that story Connie told me was bullshi-- SQUIRREL!

(runs off!)

GAL broods on a cliff when she witnesses CHRIS PINE’s fighter plane crash in the water. She saves him.

CHRIS PINE

Thanks. Are you a mermaid?

GAL GADOT

No. But our relationship will play out like a movie about a little one though.

Suddenly GERMAN SOLDIERS arrive looking for CHRIS and they battle the AMAZONS.

DOOMED AMAZONIANS

Come women! Our years of hand-to-hand combat training and expert archery skills will make short work of these OH FUCK

(are easily shot to death)

But the AMAZONS win the day by being TOTALLY FUCKING BADASS SLOW MOTION JUMPERS and because the GERMANS are REAAAALLLY HORRIBLE SHOTS. We’re talking clinically blind STORMTROOPER level horribleness.

ROBIN is fatally wounded saving GAL!

ROBIN WRIGHT

WHY WERE YOU JUST STANDING THERE LIKE A MORON?!?!?!?!

(dies!)

CONNIE NIELSEN

Chris! This is all your fault! Tell us why you’re here!

CHRIS PINE

No.

(is Lasso of Truth’d)

Alright I’m a WWI spy for the British and I stole a mustard gas formula from the Germans. Oh and being tied up gives me a major chubby OKAY STOP ALREADY!

GAL GADOT

Ares must be responsible for this World War! I must stop him!

CONNIE NIELSEN

No Gal! I forbid it! You will stay here and be a candyass pacifist like the rest of us!

GAL GADOT

Bitch I’m Wonder Woman!

GAL SPIDER-MAN’S her way into a tower and steals her own costume along with the LASSO OF TRUTH, a VIBRANIUM SHIELD, and the GOD KILLER SWORD.

GAL GADOT

Now I just have to go get Chris and whooooa dude you’re naked. What’s that skinny limp thing?

CHRIS PINE

Ah, you mean my watch.

GAL GADOT

You call your penis a watch? You males are a strange lot.

They prepare to leave the island, but CONNIE approaches.

GAL GADOT

You can’t stop me, mom. So if there’s anything I really need to know, like maybe who my real dad is or how I have magic god powers, now would be a good time.

CONNIE NIELSEN

Nope!

(pause)

I am a terrible mother.

GAL and CHRIS set sail on the SS AWKWARD SEXUAL TENSION.

GAL GADOT

So I guess we’re going to sleep together.

CHRIS PINE

(undoing pants)

Wow, you Amazons sure move fast!

GAL GADOT

I meant sleep next to each other with our clothes on. Come on dude, no way are we going to bone. You are literally the first man I’ve ever met. What kind of message would that send to all the girls in the audience?

CHRIS PINE

That you were raised in a society that didn’t shame women for wanting some strange out of wedlock?

GAL GADOT

Oh. Well. I guess when you put it that way--

CHRIS PINE

(continues undoing pants)

GAL GADOT

Buuut let’s wait until the second act after I’ve saved you a couple more times.

CHRIS PINE

Will you bring the lasso?

GAL GADOT

There’s no way we’re doing it WITHOUT the lasso.

EXT. GRIMDARK LONDON

CHRIS PINE

Alright, it is VERY important that I get this mustard gas formula to my boss David Thewlis post haste! People will die with every second I waste!

GAL GADOT

Then let’s go!

CHRIS PINE

Whoa whoa whoa not with you dressed like a gender swapped Conan we’re not. Let’s go on a shopping spree!

GAL GADOT

Why don’t I just change clothes by spinning in a circle?

CHRIS PINE

Because you’ve still got almost 60 years before that becomes one of your superpowers.

They meet up with the comic relief REBEL WILSON.

LUCY DAVIS

What? No no, I’m clearly the Kat Dennings!

GAL GADOT

Just so long as you’re not the Alex Borstein. And if you get that reference without looking it up you have my sympathies.

GAL dresses up as CARMEN SANDIEGO and follows CHRIS into an ally where they are surrounded by GERMAN SPIES OH NO!

CHRIS PINE

Gal, stay behind me so I can protect your frail dainty female body!

GAL GADOT

Bitch I’m Wonder Woman.

She kicks their asses into the stratosphere.

CHRIS PINE

But I punched one of them so Gal and I are basically equals.

GAL GADOT

Iron Man 2 called and hopes we got more use out of this scene than it did.

INT. BRITISH WAR ROOM

DAVID THEWLIS is trying to convince the government how epic his mustache is when GAL ENTERS.

STUFFY OLD BRITISH MEN

(clutches pearls!)

By jove! A wooman! I do declare!

(all higher brain functions melt like ice cream in a furnace)

DAVID THEWLIS

Chris! How dare you bring an attractive woman around all these old farts! You know Viagra hasn’t been invented yet!

CHRIS PINE

Sir! I discovered that evil scientist Elena Anya is making deadly mustard gas for evil German general Danny Huston!

GAL GADOT

Wait, did you say Danny Huston? He’s always the main villain! He must be Ares! I mean who else could it be?

DAVID THEWLIS

(looks in random direction)

(whistles)

GAL GADOT

If I don’t violently kill Danny with my murder sword millions will die!

CHRIS PINE

The old stuffy British wankers don’t want us to go to the front but I’ll sneak you in with the help of my quirky friends!

SAÏD TAGHMAOUI

I’m a con-man and the token brown guy!

EWEN BREMNER

I’m an alcoholic sniper who suffers from severe PTSD! But don't worry, at a crucial moment I will heroically make a near-impossible shot and thereby contribute to hahahaha nope I'm useless.

EUGENE BRAVE ROCK

And I’m a Native American! With a big hat. That is literally the extent of my character.

GAL and her HOWLING COMMANDOS head to THE FRONT!

EXT. WAR TORN EUROPE

GAL GADOT

(passing a bunch of starving people)

Oh no! I must feed them!

CHRIS PINE

No time! Keep moving!

GAL GADOT

(passes a drowning man)

Oh no! I must save him!

CHRIS PINE

He probably beats his wife! Fuck'em!

GAL GADOT

(passes a wounded solider)

Okay this dude I can totally save!

CHRIS PINE

That asshole's got body lice! He's doomed! You can't save everyone, Gal!

GAL GADOT

But can't I at least TRY?

CHRIS PINE

The fact you are even asking that already makes you 9000 times better than Super-Cavill.

EXT. NO MAN’S LAND

CHRIS PINE

Okay, it’s going to take us about 16 years to get around this battlefield so we better get a move on.

GAL GADOT

What?! I can’t wait that long to murder someone! I’m going into No Man’s Land!

CHRIS PINE

Gal, you can’t! No MAN can cross-- OOOOOOH. For a second I totally forgot all the incredible superhuman things I’ve seen you do because you’re Wonder Woman.

GAL GADOT

Damn right bitch!

GAL reveals her costume for the first time and MURDERS the EVER LIVING SHIT out of some KRAUTS with SLOW MOTION and some mildly cartoony CGI. Then they liberate a TOWN OF SOON TO BE DEAD PEOPLE.

SOON TO BE DEAD TOWNSFOLK

Thank you strange lady in the metal pajamas!

GAL and CHRIS celebrate by going to BONE TOWN.

THE LASSO OF TRUTH

Please, somebody wash me. PLEASE!!!

INT. THE HUSTON IN THE HIGH CASTLE

GAL and CHRIS infiltrate a fancy German banquet. CHRIS approaches evil poison doctor ELENA ANAYA.

CHRIS PINE

(with cheesy over the top German accent)

Vat is wit zee tiny Phantom of the Opera mask you are vearing?

ELENA ANAYA

I’m so glad you asked! You see, in the comics my backstory--

CHRIS PINE

Don’t care show me where you make your murder gas.

ELENA ANAYA

Piss off fake Kirk!

(leaves!)

GAL walks in with the GOD KILLER SWORD tucked inside the back of her dress... with the blade tucked between her butt cheeks?

GAL GADOT

I must have buns of steel! Like, literally. Now, to impale Danny in front of all these people and single-handedly end the war!

CHRIS PINE

No, Gal! You can’t! We need him to lead us to the gas! Only THEN will the war end!

GAL GADOT

While you were mansplaining Danny used the gas on that town of soon to be dead people, who are now dead! This is what I get for letting you talk me out of my bloodlust!

INT. GERMAN MILITARY BASE

GAL busts in and confronts DANNY, but he snorts some COCAINE MIST that gives him SUPER STRENGTH.

GAL GADOT

That knock-off Venom formula won’t save you! En garde!

DANNY HUSTON

(is violently stabbed to death!)

GAL GADOT

Oh. Well that was easy. Wait, nothing happened. Why didn’t the war end?

CHRIS PINE

Because there is no Ares, Gal. I just entertained your crazy delusions because you are insanely hot. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go needlessly sacrifice myself for dramatic reasons. Byee!

DAVID THEWLIS

(appears)

Greetings Gal, for I am Ares the God of War! And no I’m not that Kratos jerkoff!

GAL GADOT

Thanks for revealing yourself to me so I can stab you in the face with my God Killer sword!

But DAVID trashes the sword WHAAAAAT?!

DAVID THEWLIS

Ha! That sword was just a dime store replica! YOU were the real God Killer all along! Zeus was your daddy, which makes you a God! And only a God can kill another God! Wait, why am I telling her this?

They FIGHT! Rather, cartoony CGI VERSIONS of them FIGHT! But DAVID binds GAL with his MAGNETO POWERS.

DAVID THEWLIS

And they said we couldn’t work the bondage angle in! Join me Gal, and together we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy-- err, I mean earth. Humans don’t deserve you! You’re too good for them!

GAL GADOT

But they have ice cream! I must save them! I need more Cherry Garcia!

Meanwhile CHRIS is about to blow up the plane full of MUSTARD GAS while he’s on it.

CHRIS PINE

So a guy named Chris playing a guy named Steve gives a heartfelt goodbye to his true love moments before sacrificing himself in a German plane filled with bombs? All we’re missing is an Infinity Stone and a Stan Lee cameo.

(explodes!)

GAL GADOT

Nooo! Why Chris?! I threw a fucking tank earlier and survived being exposed to the mustard gas! Why didn’t you just let me handle it?!

DAVID THEWLIS

Because men are fools, Gal. They wear skinny jeans, get face tattoos, and tweet “covfefe” at six in the morning. You’ve lost, Gal!

GAL GADOT

BITCH I’M WONDER WOMAN!!!

GAL goes into a BLIND RAGE and she just. Goddamn. I mean she like. She fucking MASSACRES DAVID. Just OBLITERATES the SHIT out of HIM. Like she’s playing with ALL THE CHEAT CODES on. Dental records won't even identify him.

Soldiers on both sides instantly drop their weapons and start singing Kumbaya!

GAL GADOT

Great! Now we just need to undercut Chris’s sacrifice by having him parachute out of the plane and survive.

(pause)

Wait, so he’s actually for real dead? He’s not going to pop up in the sequel brainwashed with a robotic arm? Well that’s a relief.

INT. THE LOUVRE - GRIMDARK PRESENT

GAL GADOT

Wow, that entire story was actually coherent with decent writing, likeable characters, and scenes that didn’t feel re-shot and stitched together in editing, a bar so low it would make any OTHER movie seem average but elevates this one to insane epicness. And not only did I end WWI but I also ended the shit-streak that has been the DC Cinematic Universe movies, now where’s my goddamn invisible plane?

Lacking an INVISIBLE PLANE, GAL just sort of LEAPS OUT OF A WINDOW and FLOATS AWAY for some reason.

END

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