"I wonder if I should ask her to be in my beaver movie?"


"I wonder if I should ask her to be in my beaver movie?"

WHAT WOMEN WANT

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. MEL GIBSON'S OFFICE

MEL walks in and acts like a PIG. WOMEN respond by gushing all over him.

MEL GIBSON

Man, I'm a complete asshole. It's a good thing I'm handsome or I wouldn't be likable at all. If I were ugly, the women in the audience would probably hate me right now. Isn't it great how during this movie we're basically assuming women are so superficial that they won't hate me just because I'm good looking? I mean, the whole movie acts like its making fun of men for being dumb but the whole set up is a big fat insult to women! We probably aren't even aware of it!

HELEN HUNT

I'm supposed to be a bitch but I'm really just a soft, insecure, worrisome little girl on the inside. Luckily, all females in the film are boiled down to such simple caricatures.

MEL GIBSON

Watch me emasculate myself in pantyhose and nail polish for the comedic enjoyment of the audience.

He does this.

MEL GIBSON

Look! I'm wearing the clothing of the opposite sex! Isn't this hilarious!? Hey, does anyone remember the show Bosom Buddies? Man that was good stuff.

He trips and almost KILLS HIMSELF. When he wakes, he can understand what WOMEN are thinking.

AUDIENCE

That? THAT is their explanation for the premise? Holy fuck, are you shitting me? He electrocuted himself and that did it?

MEL GIBSON

It gets worse. I'm going to electrocute myself again to lose the power and it won't work, but later when I get electrocuted again it will work. Until then, though, I can read women's minds, which is comical!

BETTE MIDLER

I am here for no reason at all. Please watch my piece of shit show on CBS.

MEL GIBSON

Wow. I can hear what women think. Apparently all women think in english and they think full sentences.

WOMEN

Am I a lesbian? Did I turn the iron off? Did I remember to feed the cat? Am I misinterpreting what my boyfriend said last night? Do I like roses or daffodils more?

MEN IN AUDIENCE

So, basically, women are constantly thinking the same neurotic, obsessive things men have been making "how women think" jokes about for years? Got it. That was easy.

WOMEN IN AUDIENCE

What the fuck? We don't think shit like that at all.

MEL GIBSON

I will use my newfound power to majorly fuck over Helen Hunt.

He does this.

MEL GIBSON

Oh no. I might be in love with her. Now I feel bad for so royally screwing her over. The fact that my guilt is based solely in my newfound love is really only another testament to my selfishness.. but you folks still love me, right?

WOMEN IN AUDIENCE

Of course.

MEL GIBSON

Good. Now I must pull strings to get Helen her job back.

HELEN HUNT

I really appreciate that. You're fired. Kindly fuck the hell off.

MEL GIBSON

But..but.. I thought you wanted a guy who was sensitive and caring! Well over the course of this shitty movie, I've become that guy!

HELEN HUNT

Ok, you really want to know what women want? That's easy. We dont want a sensitive guy to fuck, we want the guy we're fucking to be sensitive. No woman's loins moisten for truly sensitive men, we desire masculinity just like every guy desires femininity. All we want is for the men we're dating to read a poem every so often so we know you give a shit and we think its funny when you try! There.

END

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