Rosie the elephant has a weird parasite growing out of her back.


Rosie the elephant has a weird parasite growing out of her back.

WATER FOR ELEPHANTS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. MODERN DAY CIRCUS

OLD ROBERT PATTINSON is played for about one minute by HAL HALBROOK who is wandering around outside a circus.

CIRCUS WORKER

Alright old man, we need to call your home to come get you.

HAL HOLBROOK

Shut up you young punk with your goddamn ear piercing! So hey um, can I stay here with you?

CIRCUS WORKER

Well that won me over. Now, tell me a long detailed story about joining the circus.

HAL HOLBROOK

Of course I will. Not only does it involve water and elephants; it also details the trials during prohibition, love, marriage, domestic abuse, alcoholism, animal abuse, and murder.

CIRCUS WORKER

I don’t think that’s going to translate that well to film.

HAL HOLBROOK

It doesn’t.

EXT. 1939

ROBERT PATTINSON (V.O.)

I was literally one exam away from completing my veterinary degree when my parents died in a car wreck and my life was completely uprooted. You see, my parents rambled on about how nobody should be poor--even during the depression--but turns out they died in a shit ton of debt. I was left without a home or finishing my degree as a veterinarian. Although there is no real reason for that last one.

ROBERT encounters a random train which turns out to be a circus train. He revels in spiritual dead parent thought about the fate of encountering such an enigmatic train, and then he gets a job shoveling shit. Meanwhile, he watches REESE WITHERSPOON walk into the circus where CHRISTOPH WALTZ is the ringmaster.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Welcome everybody! Be prepared to watch Robert Pattinson and Reese Witherspoon zap all of the sexual energy out of the universe for the next hour and a half. I will also be there but my conscience only slides somewhere between drunk abuser to drunk murderer so my charisma is pretty much lost on this movie. Have fun!

CIRCUS SHIT happens and ROBERT watches REESE'S performance which is rolling around on top of a horse. After the show, ROBERT meets CHRISTOPH.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

What did you like best about the show?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Your wife, Reese Witherspoon.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Cool. I’m an insanely jealous psychopath, and you’re a smart handsome young man, I’m going to give you a job working with my wife. You know for tension.

ROBERT PATTINSON

That makes perfect sense. Bad news though. That horse your wife performs with and loves so much is going to die and is in massive pain.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

In massive pain huh? Well then we’ll keep him alive long enough and make him suffer while a human rolls around on top of him consistently.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Yeah too ba- wait what’s that now??

ROBERT tells REESE that her horse needs to be put down.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Wow Reese, you’re sitting next to a white horse wearing a white gown while your blonde hair is being lit up from the bright sun through a window shining only at you.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Subtle, isn’t it?

REESE weeps gently over the state of her suffering heart and horse. And then ROBERT shoots the horse while the camera licks REESE’S face.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Christoph is going to murder you for this by the way. That's the kind of stud I married for some reason.

INT. TRAIN CAR

CHRISTOPH almost murders ROBERT. But doesn't.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

I'm not going to murder you because I served the horse you shot to the rest of the circus animals. As food I mean. Isn't that fucking fantastic!

ROBERT PATTINSON

JESUS CHRIST you sick fuck.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Oh now hold your horses. I only get more charming.

EXT. ELEPHANT BUYING PLACE

Elephant seller JAMES FRAIN sells CHRISTOPH an elephant.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Now that we offed that horse, I need a new star of the show and it's going to be this here elephant.

JAMES FRAIN

This elephant is the dumbest animal I have ever met, you know how the saying goes about elephants being super dumb. I have never come across something so dumb.

ROSIE THE ELEPHANT sprays him with water for being a dick.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Yeah she is so clueless. Anyway, I can't climb on top of a damn elephant.

REESE climbs on top of the elephant. Later on, REESE, CHRISTOPH, and ROBERT have a dinner party.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Robert you will be in charge of Rosie the Elephant. I figure she could teach you something about having a stage presence.

ROBERT PATTINSON

OK but you should know I'm not actually a veterinarian yet.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Cool. Don't care.

REESE and CHRISTOPH make out in front of ROBERT. CHRISTOPH gets aggressively handsy and then passes out. REESE insists that she and ROBERT dance instead.

ROBERT PATTINSON

I don't know Reese, your husband is rumored to murder people because he can't afford to pay them anymore, he almost killed me once, and he just got very aggressive with you. I don't think dancing two feet away from him will be a great idea.

REESE WITHERSPOON

You're right. You should try to kiss me instead.

He does this. Then he leaves, gets hammered, and wakes up with his balls shaved, wearing clown make-up, and tassels on his nipples. As if that wasn't hard enough to watch, CHRISTOPH later repeatedly jabs ROSIE THE ELEPHANT with a bullhook. To CHRISTOPH'S surprise, ROSE responds to this badly and she understandably goes on an eating and drinking binge. When she returns, CHRISTOPH beats her some more and then has a breakdown.

ROBERT PATTINSON

You fucking ass face. Why the fuck would anyone here be working for you?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

We're in the middle of a Depression and everybody here is a raging alcoholic.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Well I have good news. Turns out Rosie isn't a dumb elephant after all, she just responds in Polish.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

How the fuck did you learn that?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Well I'm Polish so I spoke to her in Polish, which does makes sense. Although, how I knew the exact commands she has been taught is beyond me.

INT. DANCE HALL

REESE, CHRISTOPH, and ROBERT have another one of their dangerous romantic eye fucking dinners together. CHRISTOPH leaves to give REESE and ROBERT some private time.

ROBERT PATTINSON

So tell me Reese, why the hell did you marry that man?

REESE WITHERSPOON

Because I was an orphan and grew up craving attention, which he gave me.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Well that sucks. Too bad you didn't meet a man who gave you attention that didn't beat or murder nearly everything and everyone he comes across.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Believe me. I know.

The party gets busted by the prohibition police so ROBERT and REESE go hide and make out for a while. Later on, time goes by with clips of endearing elephant tricks. And then REESE, ROBERT and CHRISTOPH have one of their private trio moments again despite the fact the REESE and ROBERT end up feeling each other up after these.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Now Reese, look at Robert and pretend to be in love by acting out exactly what I tell you two to do to each other.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Now why in the hell would we do that?

They do that. And then CHRISTOPH punches REESE in the face. Thankfully, REESE and ROBERT run away, go to a hotel and have lackluster and boring looking sex. CHRISTOPH'S men find them immediately because the Internet and social media was really popular in the 1930's. They take REESE with them and surprisingly leave ROBERT alive.

INT. TRAIN

ROBERT was able to get on the train because they had to stop for some fallen tree branches.

ROBERT PATTINSON

We will meet up later and run away together again. I'm blindingly optimistic that our escape will work even though we were found just this morning.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Yeah we'll have to try and make our escape with an even bigger bang. I wonder if Christoph has massively pissed off any alcoholics while being a tortuous murdering asshole so that they can go crazy and unlatch a bunch of circus animals on innocent bystanders for some revenge?

Some of CHRISTOPH'S pissed off workers unleash all of the circus animals onto the innocent audience to get revenge on CHRISTOPH. CHRISTOPH almost strangles REESE to death but ROSIE THE ELEPHANT clubs him on the head with a stake because she is a ROCK STAR.

EXT. PRESENT DAY CIRCUS

HAL HOLBROOK

So we had five kids and Reese is dead and my son didn't come visit me.

YOUNG CIRCUS WORKER

But surely after all of that you would never want to enter a circus tent again. Right?

HAL HOLBROOK

Heh. Yeah we actually stayed in the circus for years and basically raised our child in one. You know, the one who won't visit me. Anyway let me stay with you and I can come full circus circle and I can be as forgettable to my children as this movie was to everybody else.

END.

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