"I will have a stack of your most excellent pancakes."


"I will have a stack of your most excellent pancakes."

THE WATCHER

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. KEANU REEVES' APARTMENT

KEANU dances to an inferior remix of a Rob Zombie song. He looks like quite an IDIOT doing this.

JAMES SPADER (V.O.)

It's never that easy. You never just run in and the killer is there waiting for you. You have to just wait until the killer screws up, and hopefully you're there to when he does.

KEANU begins playing with a ball of string. Eventually he begins choking on it after putting it in his mouth.

JAMES SPADER (V.O.)

Luckily, the killer in this case is Keanu Reeves, so I really shouldn't have to wait too long.

INT. MALL

KEANU flirts with some girl.

BLONDE GIRL

Oh wow, Keanu Reeves! You are soooo hot! I have this huge poster of you on my ceiling! Too bad Johnny Mnemonic sucked.

KEANU REEVES

What?!? That's it, I'm going to kill you. And in order to provide a line of action to the film, I will give coked out cop James Spader one day to find you. You will soon find that despite television news shows displaying your picture, nobody will be able to save you in time. This is almost a commentary on how isolated we have become from each other, but not really.

JAMES SPADER

I must find the blonde girl. I have received this picture in the mail. Let's blow up portions of it in order to figure out where she is.

(moments later)

The best we can do is see that she's standing in front of some pictures of birds. Oh, and there is the reflection of a neon sign. It will not occur to us that we should perhaps make a mirror image of this in order to read the sign, because we are utter cretins.

KEANU REEVES

Time is ticking, James Spader, who I seem to have some kind of crush on.

JAMES SPADER

Gark! I'm freaking out in some vague manner! I must give myself a shot! And pop some ecstacy! Perhaps I'll down a fifth of vodka too.

INT. BLONDE GIRL'S APARTMENT

Everyone who knows the blonde girl just happens to turn their head when images of the girl pop up on the television, so nobody is able to contact her or the police in time.

KEANU REEVES

Wow, I really got obscenely lucky with this one, didn't I? Now I will kill you with piano wire. I took it out of my mom's piano. We were going to use it in my awesome and radical band Dogstar but when I realized all of my friends and I only know how to play lead guitar, I stripped the piano of some wire and began killing people with it.

BLONDE GIRL

(being strangled)

Gark! Chain Reaction sucked! *thud*

JAMES SPADER

Damn. The totally unreasonable lack of leads about where this girl is has lead to her death.

KEANU REEVES

Man, I got so lucky. I better go after some homeless girl next time so I don't get caught.

INT. MARISA TOMEI'S OFFICE

MARISA TOMEI

Hello, I am academy award-winning actress Marisa Tomei. I will let James Spader run through some background about some woman he was with that died. Don't you just want to smack me since I'm so pathetically unworthy of my success? But also don't you find me painfully adorable? Look at my button nose and hope-filled eyes. Just look.

JAMES SPADER

Yes. Excuse me, I need to down this bottle of random pills.

(pause)

Ahh, much better. Now, let me tell you about Keanu and how he makes my life hell. I will tell you numerous details, including the fact that he's meticulously careful to not get his fingerprints on anything.

MARISA TOMEI

But doesn't he have long hair? Aren't some of those bound to fall out, especially during any kind of struggle?

JAMES SPADER

He's Keanu Reeves, what the hell do you expect?

Meanwhile, KEANU REEVES selects a HOMELESS RUNAWAY as his next victim. When he goes to her to kill her, she beats him up and runs away.

HOMELESS RUNAWAY

Fuck you Keanu Reeves! You seriously think I'd talk to the star of A Walk in the Clouds?

He eventually catches her. He kills her, but does so literally moments before JAMES SPADER and COMPANY arrive.

KEANU REEVES

Holy shit! I'm really awful at this!

INT. MARISA TOMEI'S OFFICE

JAMES SPADER goes back to MARISA'S office. KEANU follows him.

KEANU REEVES

Marisa Tomei?! He's seeing Marisa Tomei! That fucking bitch. I can't believe she won an academy award. I'm just as talented as she is!

MARISA TOMEI

The sad thing is, that's actually true.

INT. KEANU REEVES' APARTMENT

KEANU has MARISA and JAMES tied up. The first scene is repeated, KEANU is now dancing to an inferior remix of Rob Zombie's Spookshow Baby, making the first time Rob Zombie remixes have been used as a tie-together motif in film.

JAMES SPADER

As I explained earlier, I only need to wait for you to make a mistake.

KEANU REEVES

Perhaps leaning over you when you can stab me in the neck would suffice.

JAMES SPADER

That'll do.

JAMES stabs KEANU in the neck.

JAMES SPADER

Ha ha! You dolt! How could you be so careless?

KEANU REEVES

Dude, I'm Keanu Reeves. I'm proud of myself for not tripping over all this damn piano wire all the time.

JAMES SPADER

Now the apartment will explode and leave your pretty face hideously disfigured as well as almost definitely kill you.

KEANU REEVES

I know kung fu.

Everything explodes except for the good guys.

END


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