The Abridged Script
NICHOLAS HOULT shuffles around.
NICHOLAS HOULT (V.O.)
It sucks being a zombie, even if it only affects me at my convenience. After that thing that happened, I became surrounded by mindless, self-absorbed airheads who go about their lives mechanically.
Society has really changed.
NICHOLAS goes to meet ROB CORDDRY. On his way he sees some BONEYS.
NICHOLAS HOULT (V.O.)
Boneys are extra-dead zombies. They eat people too, but we have a conscience about it so it's totally different.
NICHOLAS, ROB, and RANDOM ZOMBIE EXTRAS walk down a HIGHWAY to go hunting in THE CITY.
EXT. THE CITY
TERESA PALMER, DAVE FRANCO, ANALEIGH TIPTON and RANDOM HUMAN EXTRAS show drawings of cheerios to SOME GUY. JOHN MALKOVICH addresses them as they prepare to find supplies beyond THE WALL.
Here's footage of a speed junkie drooling blood. Contrary to what you morons think, humans don't usually look like this. Now that I've cleared that up, go find us medical supplies. Winter is coming.
You suck, dad. All you ever think about is 'safety' and 'survival'.
TERESA reaches for DAVE's hand.
Don't draw attention to me. If I'm unmemorable enough I can slip through unnoticed until this whole thing is over.
TERESA, DAVE and ANALEIGH go look for MEDICAL SUPPLIES with RANDOM HUMAN EXTRAS. NICHOLAS, ROB, and RANDOM ZOMBIE EXTRAS burst in and fuck shit up.
NICHOLAS eats DAVE FRANCO'S brain and gets his memories because that is a thing. Because of this he now FEELS things for TERESA and does not want to kill her.
I was a fairly badass female character up until this point, but now that you're on my side there's no need for that. I also happened not to see who killed my boyfriend. Why Dave why?
NICHOLAS smears her cheek with ZOMBIE GOO, which somehow masks her scent from ZOMBIES who could otherwise smell her from a hundred feet. He then takes her back to the AIRPORT instead of letting her go home which, judging by the length of the HIGHWAY, was probably closer.
NICHOLAS does things like BREATHE and have a HEARTBEAT as he interacts with TERESA.
Let me go even though I came along willingly! This is all wrong! We're from two different worlds!
Can't leave. Too dangerous. We can drive up and down runway though. That's as many words as I can remove and still make sense.
They do this and even MORE quirky stuff together. The SYMBOLISM has had enough with dropping hints. It slaps everyone in the face.
We're falling in love even though we're a human and a zombie, but we can't be together dammit. It's like we're star-crossed lovers or something. Sorry was that too much? No? Okay.
Shit. It doesn't look like I missed my boyfriend. I need a minute to grieve. Maybe forty-five seconds.
TERESA tries to run away. She is cornered, but NICHOLAS saves her and they escape by car with the power of LURVE.
So I guess I could have driven out of here all alo-
JOHN MALKOVICH passes NICHOLAS and TERESA with a SEARCH TEAM.
I wanted to go home all this time but once again I will ignore an opportunity to do just that.
Have confession. Killed your boyfriend.
Give me ten seconds.
NICHOLAS has a DREAM, then wakes up and finds TERESA gone. He returns to the airport to find that their LUHVE is curing the ZOMBIES. TERESA, back home, talks to ANALEIGH about the word CORPSE being bad.
It's just a stupid name that we came up with for a state of being we don't understand.
If this isn't an allusion to some other kind of prejudice...actually even if it is it's retarded anyway.
NICHOLAS sneaks back into the city and stands below TERESA's balcony. The SYMBOLISM punches everyone in the face.
Came to show everyone we can change. Dreaming now and doing other non-zombie like things. Accept us as we become one of you.
We need to get you face to face with my zombie-hating father right now. There is no other way to go about this. But first, let us give you a makeover, walk out of the room, then walk back in and act really surprised.
That happens. TERESA and ANALEIGH then take NICHOLAS to see JOHN MALKOVICH. BONEYS are attacking the city.
Dad! This zombie saved my life! Sort of! They can change!
I will never accept this!
NICHOLAS and TERESA run away, are cornered by BONEYS, and then jump out of a door built by the ACME CORPORATION together. The SYMBOLISM delivers one final dick-slap before it is revealed that NICHOLAS is now HUMAN when they resurface. Their BLAND TRAGEDY paves the way for UNITY between the two FAMILIES- uh RACES. SPECIES?
Now we can make out without arising concerns of necrophilia!
I accept this!
The ZOMBIES and HUMANS work together to defeat the BONEYS. The CURE turns out to be a montage of slow motion cut scenes.
I hope you remember your old life.
No thanks. I think I'll keep Dave's.
So I guess in a way he really did make it to the end.
With the help of a 'twin' brother who insists that everyone else is the end slice of a loaf of bread, Charlie embarks on several pointless adventures. Summary reports are written in C and signed by an increasingly confused mother and her assortment of pens. Apparently you can't pay for college with ice cubes.