The Tripods demanded the return of "The McRib"... or else.


The Tripods demanded the return of "The McRib"... or else.

WAR OF THE WORLDS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. EARTH

MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.)

Hello. You are listening to the sweet sweet voice of Morgan Freeman because you will buy whatever tripe exposition that comes out of my mouth and like it. For example, Dreamcatcher was actually pretty good.

AUDIENCE

(hypnotized)

M'kay.

MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.)

Also aliens have been watching over the earth for centuries with plans of conquest.

AUDIENCE

Hey, that kinda sounds like bullshit.

MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.)

No it doesn't.

AUDIENCE

(hypnotized)

You're right, it sounds totally believable.

MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.)

Damn straight it does.

EXT. NEW JERSEY

Before we are introduced to our MAIN CHARACTER, director STEVEN SPIELBERG spins the wheel of "TIRED DISASTER MOVIE CLICHES" and lands on "DIVORCED MAN WHO MUST WIN BACK THE LOVE AND RESPECT OF HIS ESTRANGED CHILDREN" cliche.

STEVEN SPIELBERG

Goddamnit, not again.

TOM CRUISE appears and establishes himself as a COCKY SMIRKING RECKLESS HANDSOME JERK. Or in other words, TOM CRUISE.

TOM CRUISE

And somehow I manage to hide my entire ego underneath this baseball cap.

MIRANDA OTTO

Tom, as your ex-wife I chastise you for not being on time to pick up your estranged children so that I can go be with my new husband whose child I am bearing.

TOM CRUISE

Oh, I get it. Since I'm the hero you're being painted as an evil golddigger for leaving me for a guy who's richer, taller, and more handsomer than me.

MIRANDA OTTO

Is that really my role? Holy shit, I thought this was a movie about genocidal aliens. Why is Spielberg trying to establish me as your arch nemesis?

STEVEN SPIELBERG

Because I still haven't gotten over my first marriage and see all ex-wives as blood-sucking ho-bags and this is my version of therapy. Now piss off.

MIRANDA OTTO

(disappears for the rest of the movie)

MIRANDA'S NEW HUSBAND

Wait, am I wearing a turtle neck? I must be a real douchbag.

HE IS.

TOM's kids appear: his adorable younger daughter DAKOTA FANNING and his rebellious dipshit older son FUCKWIT.

JUSTIN CHATWIN

Hey! That's not my name!

YES IT IS and that is what he will be called for the rest of this script.

DAKOTA FANNING

(hugging TOM)

I love you, daddy.

FUCKWIT

(flipping TOM off)

Lick my asshole old man!

TOM CRUISE

But son, in order to do that I would have to lick every inch of you.

A FREAKY STORM appears and LIGHTNING strikes everywhere, which catapults DAKOTA into INCESSANT SCREAMING MODE from which she will REMAIN for the duration.

TOM goes outside to see what's going on when an ALIEN TRIPOD comes out of the ground.

TRIPOD

Greetings hu-mons. We come in peace. We can help you in many ways, such as curing all of your illnesses, creating cheap renewable energy, and solving world hunger.

TOM CRUISE

Great! Now allow me to tell you about Dianetics and Thetans.

TRIPOD

On second thought KILL ALL HUMANS!

The ALIENS turn humans into ash using RAINBOWS.

TOM OUTRUNS the RAINBOWS and scratches off "alien death rays" from the long list of impossible things TOM CRUISE has managed to OUTRUN.

TOM CRUISE

Dakota! Fuckwit! We have to leave NOW!

FUCKWIT

But WHY?! Gaw! Screw you, dad! I'm sick of you telling me what to do and trying to save my life! Whaa! I hate you! You're not my real father! Whaa! Fuck the man!

DAKOTA FANNING

EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!

AUDIENCE

I hope they die.

TOM realizes all the cars in the entire world are dead except for a MAGICAL MINI VAN.

DAKOTA FANNING

Do they ever explain why exactly all the regular cars don't work except this one and the military vehicles we'll see later?

STEVEN SPIELBERG

Quiet you.

TOM proceeds to steal the MINI VAN from ANNOYING MECHANIC GUY.

TOM CRUISE

Hey, get in the car before the tripods get you!

ANNOYING MECHANIC GUY

The what? Apparently I didn't hear any of the really loud death and destruction happening two streets over or run into anyone else who escaped the first attack over the last 20 minutes.

TOM CRUISE

Then I have to ask, when you die would you prefer to be buried or cremated?

ANNOYING MECHANIC GUY

Buried.

TOM CRUISE

Oooo, too bad.

EXT. HIGHWAY

TOM and his kids escape in the VAN while STEVEN SPIELBERG bukakes the audience with his ROTATING CAMERA TRICKS.

STEVEN SPIELBERG

Perhaps this shot will be so technically impressive that it will distract the audience from Dakota's constant screaming throughout the entire scene.

DAKOTA FANNING

EEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

AUDIENCE

Not even a little, Steven.

FUCKWIT

Dad! What's going on?!

TOM CRUISE

Aliens are invading!

FUCKWIT

Aliens? You mean, like, Mexicans?

TOM CRUISE

You are certainly earning your nickname, champ.

INT. MIRANDA OTTO'S HOUSE

DAKOTA FANNING

Where's mommy?

TOM CRUISE

She's in Boston. My plan is to drive there and then we'll be safe.

DAKOTA FANNING

How? Does mommy have a crashed alien ship in her garage and a computer virus she can upload into the alien's mainframe with her Mac?

TOM CRUISE

Well, no...

DAKOTA FANNING

Then how are we going to be safe there? How do we know the aliens haven't completely wiped Boston off the map by now?

TOM CRUISE

Uh...

DAKOTA FANNING

Your plan is dumb.

TOM CRUISE

I liked you more when you were screaming. Here, eat this peanut butter sandwich.

DAKOTA FANNING

But I'm deathly allergic to peanuts.

TOM CRUISE

You are? Gosh, I guess that little fact slipped my mind. Honest.

DAKOTA FANNING

Wait, either you are the worst father in the world by not remembering your daughter has a deadly peanut allergy or you just intentionally tried to murder me. Which one is it?

TOM CRUISE

Uh... look! Airplane!

OCEANIC FLIGHT 815 lands on top of the house but doesn't kill TOM or either one of his CHILDREN.

AUDIENCE

Damn!

EXPOSITORY REPORTER LADY

Hello Tom. I'm here to tell you that the tripods must have been buried in the Earth millions of years ago.

TOM CRUISE

Really? And all those times mankind dug for oil or had earthquakes we never once came across one of these things?

EXPOSITORY REPORTER LADY

Uh-uh.

TOM CRUISE

So you want me to believe these aliens were here millions of years ago and decided "let's not take over the planet RIGHT NOW, nope, let's wait until they develop nukes THEN attack"?

EXPOSITORY REPORTER LADY

Well this is the year the networks cancelled Joan of Arcadia. Coincidence? I think not.

TOM CRUISE

And you're also telling me in over a million years these aliens have not had one iota of technological progression? They just developed shields and killer death rays and a fog horn then decided "yup, we're good" and went to sleep?

EXPOSITORY REPORTER LADY

Wouldn't you? Oh, and the tripods' alien pilots were beamed into them via the lightning storm.

TOM CRUISE

Huh? So did the aliens come here in a space ship that beamed them into the lightning that THEN beamed them into the tripods? Or were they just hanging out in the atmosphere as clouds all this time?

EXPOSITORY REPORTER LADY

Well... I... err...

(brain explodes)

TOM CRUISE

(dials 911)

Hello police? I'd like to report a murder. The victim's name is "suspension of disbelief" and the perpetrator's name is Spielberg, Steven. And no this is not his first offense, I worked with him on Minority Report.

REPORTER LADY drives off in her WORKING NEWS VAN which must have been shielded from the TRIPODS by the same BULLSHIT INTERNAL LOGIC as TOM'S VAN.

FUCKWIT

Gaw! You're totally lame, Dad! We should find one of those tripod things and kill it! Ooo-rah!

TOM CRUISE

Son, the audience was just told how invincible the tripods' shields are so everything you're saying makes you sound like a fucking nitwit times Pi, you know that right?

FUCKWIT

So?! You're still a big pussy for trying to save your family instead of fighting back and getting us vaporized like everyone else and

(whining)

AUDIENCE

If the aliens don't kill this guy I am going to shit.

EXT. FERRY STOP

TOM drives right into the center of THE MILLION HITCHHIKER MARCH. They pull TOM out of the van and beat THE FUCK out of FUCKWIT, but TOM saves him before the crowd can stomp his ass to death.

AUDIENCE

(sigh)

TOM and his family try to board a FERRY where they run into SOME WOMAN that TOM knows.

SOME WOMAN

My character name is "Cheryl" even though I'm listed in the credits as "Bartender", but I'm sure that's more than enough detail for the audience to care about me when I die in 60 seconds, right?

WRONG.

Despite there being a SMALL CITY'S WORTH of people around, DAKOTA is the only one to notice a TRIPOD approaching.

DAKOTA FANNING

EEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TRIPOD

You do realize we blow our horns really loud just to cancel out your shrill screeching, don't you?

TOM, DAKOTA and FUCKWIT get on the ferry just before it casts off, but the TRIPODS sink the ferry and NEARLY kill TOM and his family, but not NEAR ENOUGH for the AUDIENCE.

EXT. FARM

TOM and his TWO LITTLE SHITS happen upon a BATTLEFIELD where the TRIPODS are installing several new ASSHOLES in the MILITARY OPPOSITION.

FUCKWIT

I have a boner. Dad, this is where I need to be. Let me go.

TOM CRUISE

But you'll be killed!

FUCKWIT

I know! Cool, right?

AUDIENCE

Let him do it, Tom. For the love of God let him do it.

FUCKWIT runs towards a WALL OF EXPLOSIONS and presumably DIES AN AGONIZING and EXCRUCIATING FIERY DEATH.

AUDIENCE

Whooray!

TIM ROBBINS

Hey Tom! I have a shotgun! Come hide in my basement!

INT. TIM ROBBINS'S BASEMENT

TOM CRUISE

Phew, we're safe.

TIM ROBBINS

Yes. I'm sure the tripods will leave this house intact despite all evidence to the contrary. And please don't jump on my couch, I just had it reupholstered.

TOM CRUISE

But what if the tripods use some kind of metal penis camera to spy on us?

TIM ROBBINS

What? That's ridiculous. The aliens would have to be total assclowns to risk exposing themselves just to check out some crazy guy's old basement.

The TRIPODS deploy their METAL PENIS CAMERA that is presumably controlled by TWO HUGE SPHERES because they are clearly OVER COMPENSATING for something.

Then the ALIENS physically enter the basement and TIM tries to SHOOT THEM, but TOM stops him, confirming FUCKWIT's accusation that TOM is a HUGE MEGA PUSSY.

TOM CRUISE

Tim, you have endangered my family be attempting to kill the aliens that are endangering my family. I must kill you now.

TIM ROBBINS

Pfft, how? By punching my ankles? I'm like four feet taller than you. And I have a shotgun. How do you plan to

(is killed off screen)

TOM CRUISE

Don't worry Dakota, you're safe now that daddy killed an innocent human for trying to kill the evil aliens that presumably killed my son, Fuckwit.

METAL PENIS CAMERA

Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?

DAKOTA FANNING

EEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

METAL PENIS CAMERA

So that's a no?

TOM CIRCUMCISES the METAL PENIS CAMERA with an AX and DAKOTA RUNS OFF.

TOM chases her outside and discovers the TRIPODS are spraying everything with KOOL AID.

TOM CRUISE

Da fuck is all this?

STEVEN SPIELBERG

It was in the book. You'll have to read it to find out what all this red shit is.

TOM CRUISE

Um, no Steven, that's not how adaptations work. You can't just shoehorn in something and not explain it. This could all be alien urine for all the audience knows. Now I need to find Dakota.

DAKOTA FANNING

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TOM CRUISE

Hmm. On second thought I think I liked it better when I couldn't find you. Oooo look, some grenades.

A TRIPOD scoops TOM and DAKOTA up and drops them into a WICKER BASKET filled with PEOPLE.

An ALIEN WANG grabs some POOR BASTARD and pulls him into THE ALIEN SPHINCTER OF DOOM.

Then the ALIEN WANG grabs TOM, but all the other people hold on to TOM and stop him from being sucked into the ALIEN SPHINCTER.

TOM CRUISE

Hey, why didn't you guys try to help that poor bastard too?

PEOPLE

Because he wasn't Tom Cruise.

TOM gives the ALIEN SPHINCTER a GRENADE SUPPOSITORY and the TRIPOD EXPLODES! TOM and DAKOTA escape.

EXT. SOME WRECKED CITY

TOM and DAKOTA are being shuttled away by some MILITARY GUYS when they notice a TRIPOD is driving ERRATICALLY and SLURRING ITS SPEECH.

TOM CRUISE

How many six-packs has that thing had?

ARMY GUYS

All of them.

TOM CRUISE

Look! Birds are landing on the tripods! That means their shields are down! Now you can blow them up!

ARMY GUYS

Thanks Tom! We never would have noticed if it weren't for you! You just saved the world!

TOM CRUISE

Of course I did! I'm Tom Cruise!

AUDIENCE

Wait, that's it? That's how all the tripods are defeated? That's kind of lame.

STEVEN SPIELBERG

Oh you ain't seen nothin' yet.

EXT. BOSTON

TOM and DAKOTA reunite with MIRANDA OTTO, at her HOUSE, which was UNTOUCHED by the attack, and apparently still has POWER because WHY WOULDN'T IT?

FUCKWIT

And I'm still alive somehow! Yah!

AUDIENCE

(shits)

MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.)

And so the tripods were killed by God... in the form of bacteria. Or something. Basically Tom could have died in the first 5 minutes and the tripods would have all been killed just the same.

AUDIENCE

But that's a lame copout of an ending! And they didn't even have the balls to kill off Fuckwit? This movie is bullshit!

STEVEN SPIELBERG

Not to worry! I'll make up for it with Indiana Jones 4!

No he WON'T.

END

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