Josh Brolin fails to comprehend the rules of a staring contest.


Josh Brolin fails to comprehend the rules of a staring contest.

WALL STREET: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN

INT. PRISON

MICHAEL DOUGLAS is being released from PRISON.

PRISON GUARD

Here is everything you had on you when you were brought in. One comically large mobile phone. One calculator watch. One pair stonewashed jeans. One tape, "Colour by Numbers" by Culture Club. One copy of Oregon Trail on 5.25 inch floppy. Enjoy your extremely belated sequel.

MICHAEL leaves, but he has to take a TAXI instead of a LIMO, THE WORLD HAS TURNED UPSIDE-DOWN.

INT. INVESTMENT BANK

SHIA LABEOUF follows FRANK LANGELLA around like a puppy.

FRANK LANGELLA

Shia, everything about you is great. I love the way that you invest only in alternative fuel because you just want to save the environment. But really just make money. But really just save the environment.

SHIA LABEOUF

I get to be rich and morally righteous! Having no flaws is what makes me such a compelling character!

FRANK LANGELLA

Here's a million dollars, go buy your girlfriend Carey Mulligan an engagement ring, sonny! By the way, our bank is out of business.

SHIA LABEOUF

Oh no! Perhaps I actually have to make my character's first difficult choice. Now that I'm jobless, should I return the engagement ring or try to get another job to pay for it?

CAREY MULLIGAN

Actually, I don't want a ring.

FRANK LANGELLA

And Josh Brolin will give you a job. He's the guy who bailout 401k shorting volume dividend load fund capital gains trade.

SHIA LABEOUF

Brolin's evil, got it.

FRANK kills himself. SHIA LABEOUF goes to a talk by MICHAEL DOUGLAS.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Years ago, I once said "Greed is Good." But is it? Greed led to the current financial crisis, and that's bad. Noodle on that. Any questions?

SHIA LABEOUF

Does Oliver Stone have any other deep insights he wishes to relay through you?

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

(actual line)

Greed got greedier.

SHIA LABEOUF

That explains the original title of this movie. "Wall Street 2: The Greedening."

MICHAEL plugs his book, soon to be featured at a "Buy 2, Get 1 Free" table at a bookstore near you.

SHIA LABEOUF

Mr. Douglas, I'm proposing to your estranged daughter and I want to reunite you. We need you, neither of us has the screen presence to carry this movie.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

I should have figured you'd be in this movie, since you seem intent on being a part of any movie that ruins something cool from the 80's.

SHIA LABEOUF

I'm just waiting for them to remake Back to the Future. I'm a shoo-in for Marty. Deep down, you know it's true.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Alright, I want to see my daughter again, so don't tell her we talked. I'll "accidentally" run into you at a charity event. There's no better way to start a marriage than with dishonesty.

SHIA LABEOUF

I need you to help me exact vengeance on Josh Brolin, he killed my father, by which I mean he did things which led to my father-figure killing himself.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Make something up about his company, then tell people that thing.

SHIA LABEOUF

Brilliant! You truly are a modern evil genius!

SHIA spreads rumors about JOSH BROLIN.

JOSH BROLIN

Your weasely bullshit has earned my respect. How would you like a job?

SHIA LABEOUF

Sounds good, let's match wits by racing motorcycles!

JOSH BROLIN

Cool, you can hear me talk about what a stupid jerk Michael Douglas is!

(actual line)

He's a monkey dancing on a razor blade.

SHIA does a bunch of WALL STREETY SHIT while financial looking infographics are overlayed on top of everything. Eventually a random string of 1's and 0's is superimposed on the screen, instantly transforming the movie into SELF-PARODY.

INT. CHARITY BANQUET

MICHAEL DOUGLAS runs into CHARLIE SHEEN.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Wow, a Charlie Sheen cameo! This scene will be simultaneously the most entertaining and the most pointless! What have you been up to?

CHARLIE SHEEN

Nothing much, just beating the holy hell out of a succession of wives, doing a fuckton of cocaine, and becoming a 9/11 truther.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Jesus, and I thought prison was bad. Your life sounds like shit.

CHARLIE SHEEN

That's not even the worst of it. Ever hear of a show called Two and a Half Men?

MICHAEL runs into SHIA and CAREY MULLIGAN.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Carey! Good to see you again.

CAREY MULLIGAN

I hate you, dad. I blame you for the fact that my brother became a drug addict and killed himself.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Does everyone in this movie confuse suicide with murder? I see by your plastic ring Shia has proposed to you.

CAREY MULLIGAN

Yes, it was right after he found out his mentor jumped in front of a subway car, it was very romantic. We got my ring out of a Cracker Jack box even though Cracker Jack hasn't put rings in their caramel-covered turdlets for thirty years.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

So, I was thinking about the 100-million dollar trust fund you get when you turn 25. I think you should sign it over to me and I could launder it into the country for you.

SHIA LABEOUF

Then Carey can give it to the boss from Short Circuit to work on his laser fusion technology! Lasers are from science!

(actual line)

I know it sounds like Star Wars, but this could be your chance to be Captain America!

CAREY MULLIGAN

Oh no, it's been nearly thirty seconds since I cried! Waaah, everything is terrible!

(leaves)

MICHAEL takes the $100 million and skips town.

SHIA LABEOUF

Unbelievable! That bastard!

CAREY MULLIGAN

I know, who would have ever expected a Nigerian e-mail scam from a guy that just got out of prison wouldn't go well?

SHIA LABEOUF

Dammit, now I wish I had never gone to see him secretly behind your back. Oops. I mean, not that.

CAREY MULLIGAN

You what? Why would you do that?

SHIA LABEOUF

Because I genuinely wanted to reunite you wish your estranged father.

CAREY MULLIGAN

You Wall Street bastard! Somehow, this altruistic act makes you just like him! I don't understand why I ever fell in love with a Wall Street asshole!

SHIA LABEOUF

Yeah, kind of a glaring flaw in your character's writing, huh? Baby, let me make it up to you. I'll write a story about Josh Brolin for your blog! That'll really shake up the system!

CAREY MULLIGAN

Fine, I'll post it. Oh look, the comments are already rolling in. "socialist n00b fag. go back to ireland, commie!" What? That doesn't even make any sense.

SHIA LABEOUF

"Right on, screw those fatcats! Stewart/Colbert 2015!" That's not even an election year...

CAREY MULLIGAN

Oh right. It's a blog. It doesn't have captioned pictures of cats on it, so nobody gives a shit.

Somehow, this random BLOG POST leads to the downfall of JOSH BROLIN. He talks to his advisor, ELI WALLACH.

JOSH BROLIN

Argghh, if only subprime mortgage lending subsidy asset compound interest diversification leveraged buyout! Eli, will you take the fall for me?

ELI WALLACH

(actual line)

(bird noises)

MICHAEL DOUGLAS approaches SHIA and CAREY.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

I turned the $100 million into $1 billion overnight. Here's your money back.

CAREY MULLIGAN

If there's one thing we can take from Oliver Stone's important commentary on our nation's financial meltdown, it's to appreciate your family. Thanks, Dad.

SHIA LABEOUF

Great! Now I can invest in that laser fusion I keep prattling on about!

(actual line)

It uses the intense energy of 200 laser beams focused on a single target the size of a grain of rice!

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Congrats Shia, Charlie Sheen is no longer the worst actor to play my protégé in a Wall Street movie.

END

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