W.: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Nov 4th, 2008 |
58 Comments
| Movie: 
Bush consults his economic advisor, Fido.
Every other web site on the fucking internet is telling Americans to go vote today. Instead, I’m offering up this politically themed Abridged Script. Now, let the idiotic political flamewar in the comments commence!
FADE IN:
INT. WHITE HOUSE – WASHINGTON, D.C. – 2002
JOSH BROLIN, RICHARD DREYFUSS, TOBY JONES, JEFFREY WRIGHT, THANDIE NEWTON, SCOTT GLEN, BRUCE MCGILL, and DENNIS BOUTSIKARIS meet together to discuss various matters of national concern.
JOSH BROLIN
Alright, we need to reachify some kind of agreementation here. What, exactly, should we orderate for lunch?
TOBY JONES
Mr. President, As your trusted advisor Karl Rove, I have to recommend sandwiches. They have a more American quality than Chinese food, which should give you a 2.5% boost in the polls.
BRUCE MCGILL
Jesus Christ, you’re playing Karl Rove? I know he’s an unfortunate-looking man and all, but he’s not Sloth from “Goonies” either.
JEFFREY WRIGHT
Sir, I strongly believe Chinese food is the better option for a variety of reasons…
(pause)
Nevermind, you’re right. Turkey and swiss on wheat, please.
THANDIE NEWTON
Wow, Oliver Stone has some big brass balls to portray a decorated military general as a spineless pussy. Yet somehow he’s unable to stand up to me and tell me that my impression of Condoleeza Rice is more embarrassing than anything Bush has ever done in public.
SCOTT GLEN AND DENNIS BOUTSIKARIS
Despite being major architects of the war in Iraq, we will have no more lines in the movie beyond this one.
RICHARD DREYFUSS
So we’re all in agreement then. For lunch, we will eat sandwiches and human baby hearts! GRRAAARRRRRR!
BRUCE MCGILL
Geeze, these impressions are so over the top, this whole thing feels like a Saturday Night Live skit, except not funny.
TOBY JONES
So, exactly like a Saturday Night Live skit.
FADE TO:
EXT. TEXAS – 1960’s
JOSH BROLIN bumbles his way through FRAT PARTIES and various JOBS, being a MISERABLE FAILURE at everything. His father, JAMES CROMWELL, scolds him.
JAMES CROMWELL
I’m so disappointed in you, Junior. In fact, I’m so annoyed that I won’t even bother doing anything remotely resembling an impersonation of George H. W. Bush.
JOSH BROLIN
But Poppy, all I want in life is to make you proud of me! Oh, and drink copious amounts of Jack Daniels.
JAMES CROMWELL
That’s it? That’s the film’s deep, insightful analysis of the 43rd President of the United States? He has daddy issues? Is this a serious dramatic biopic or an episode of Oprah?
JOSH BROLIN meets ELIZABETH BANKS.
ELIZABETH BANKS
Hey there, sugar. I’m well-educated, well-read, smart, and sassy. For some reason I’m attracted to you.
JOSH BROLIN
Well gull-dern, I suppose you will be used to contrast my bumbling idiocy for the duration of the film.
ELIZABETH BANKS
Actually I won’t be in anything but the background until the movie spares everyone and ends.
JOSH BROLIN
Oh. Hey, it’s been nearly 10 minutes since I awkwardly forced a famous Bush quotation into my dialogue.
(pause)
Ahem. I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully. Strategery.
ELIZABETH BANKS
Is this really supposed to pass for filmmaking? I can buy a desk calendar full of these things.
JOSH stops being an ALCOHOLIC and becomes a JESUSOHOLIC.
JOSH BROLIN
I think I’m going to run for governizor of Texas!
(pause)
I won! Now I’m going to run for President!
(pause)
I’m president now! Let’s invade Iraq!
ELIZABETH BANKS
Jesus, what’s this movie supposed to be about if it’s going to skip over the 2000 election, September 11th, the warrantless wiretapping scandal, the attorney firings, the Valarie Plame scandal, hurricane Katrina, Terry Schiavo, Surpreme Court justices Roberts and Alito, allegations of voter suppression in 2004, social security privatization, Alberto Gonzales, Harriet Miers, Porter Goss, the PATRIOT act, Jack Abramoff, the gay marriage amendment proposal, Jeff Gannon, the Abu Ghraib scandal, and Cheney shooting his friend in the face?
JOSH BROLIN
Waah, daddy loved Jeb more!
ELIZABETH BANKS
Fuck this, I’m going to go make a porno with Kevin Smith.
FADE TO:
INT. WHITE HOUSE – WASHINGTON, D.C. – 2003
Things that GEORGE W. BUSH did occur ON-SCREEN in approximate order of occurrence without any particular point or theme gluing them together.
OLIVER STONE
Perfect. My newest masterpiece is finished just in time to be released before 2009!
TOBY JONES
Why did it matter? Your toothless movie takes about as tough a stance against Bush as congressional Democrats do, so why would you care if it got released before he left office?
OLIVER STONE
Bush? No, I needed to get the movie finished so I could win an Academy Award!
TOBY JONES
Academy Award? For this? All you’ve done is create a greatest hits compilation of news articles, declassified briefs, and congressional testimonies. Your movie is Digg.com, except without all the Steve Jobs cocksucking. What the hell would you get an award for?
OLIVER STONE
You mean there isn’t an award for ‘Shortest Title By a Motion Picture’?
TOBY JONES
No. This thing is destined to be forced upon high school kids during the last week of school, nothing more.
OLIVER STONE
Oh, well. Three down, forty to go. Coming soon to a theater near you, “Taft”!
OLIVER STONE, having been unable to make a decent movie in 8 years, is replaced by a young, charismatic, black director.
END
Spot on.
November 4th, 2008 at 12:25 pmGreat script!
Going to see the movie though… it’s Oliver Stone and I don’t wanna disappoint.
Still, how about a Max Payne script. I was a BIG fan of the video games and I really feel the movie was a HUGE let down on all fronts.
- Alex
November 4th, 2008 at 12:34 pmOliver Stone makes excellent choices in material to make movies about…its just a shame that he is the one actually making them.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:05 pm“OLIVER STONE, having been unable to make a decent movie in 8 years, is replaced by a young, charismatic, black director.”
Now THAT is the funniest bit of satire I’ve read during this entire election.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:50 pmAlexandru Duta Says: Still, how about a Max Payne script. I was a BIG fan of the video games and I really feel the movie was a HUGE let down on all fronts.
Yeah, I was pretty pissed at that too, waaaaa I want a Max Payne script for some reason or another. Probably just to laugh
November 4th, 2008 at 4:03 pmabsolute class, Rod, yet again.
and I still think thandie newton’s hot as hell.
November 4th, 2008 at 4:17 pmOhhhh wellll. At least it was better than Nixon.
November 4th, 2008 at 5:04 pmNice script, I actually thought the movie wasn’t that bad. I kind of did go in with low expectations though.
November 4th, 2008 at 9:42 pmOhhhh wellll. At least it was better than Nixon.
Frost/Nixon? I didn’t know that movie was out already.
November 5th, 2008 at 12:14 am*sigh* You. YOUUUUU.
November 5th, 2008 at 1:32 am#6: I agree she’s pretty attractive… which makes me really wonder what blind weirdo cast her as one of the ugliest creatures ever to walk this earth.
November 5th, 2008 at 7:10 amI’m finding that when I haven’t seen the movie, the scripts just don’t work for me. Guess I will have to watch W.
November 5th, 2008 at 8:31 amHilarious!
Fact # 1: That Movie SUCKED!
November 5th, 2008 at 11:08 amFact # 2: Most liberals are retarded, Most right-wingers are retarded
Fact # 3: Fuck You
Fact # 4: Only middle-ground, informed, intellectuals contribute to society and politics in any kind of palatable manner.
Fact # 5: I’m correct, Fuck You.
@EOD Tech/BAMF: You probably won’t find anyone like that around here.
Fun script, Rod. Another $8 saved.
November 5th, 2008 at 4:05 pmWhy do people always thank Rod for saving them $8? Its not like these scripts are meant to be replacements for the movies. In fact I don’t see how they would be all that funny without having seen the movies they are about.
November 5th, 2008 at 6:03 pmI thought the movie was ok. Definately thin, considering how much was left out, & it felt very rushed. But it seemed like a cool trailer, for a 4 hour long epic waiting to be made.
BTW, Alexandru Duta, ur name sounds Romanian, and as a fellow Romanian I’m wondering if this is so. If it is then “ce mai faci ba!”
November 5th, 2008 at 6:34 pmDon’t forget Skull and Bones.
November 5th, 2008 at 6:35 pmyeah, the movie felt like a wasted opportunity. I was expecting more controversy in Stone flick.
For all his pedigree W. was common and not very ambitious, but likeable, later he finds his calling and god. He wins the prsidency, but not his father’s favor. End.
that’s all the movie says.
November 6th, 2008 at 9:08 amObama sucks! Long live Bush!
November 6th, 2008 at 9:31 am“Your movie is Digg.com, except without all the Steve Jobs cocksucking.”
Priceless…
November 6th, 2008 at 11:19 amWhy do people always thank Rod for saving them $8? Its not like these scripts are meant to be replacements for the movies. In fact I don’t see how they would be all that funny without having seen the movies they are about.
Well, the FAQ did always say that the scripts are there so you can discuss a bad movie with other people without actually seeing the movie. That was probably a joke, though. Then again, those comments about saving eight dollars could also be in on the joke.
November 6th, 2008 at 7:16 pm…
Amazingly the political flamewar has not started yet, despite the (rather weak) efforts of #19. Cool.
As for the scripts saving people $8, well, personally I find that these scripts are very informative about the movies they cover, even if they aren’t meant as critical analyses. And I’ve found plenty of them funny without having seen the movie. *shrug*
November 6th, 2008 at 8:31 pmI think #13 was trying to start something, too!
November 7th, 2008 at 6:13 amShortest title?
November 7th, 2008 at 12:52 pmHow about M and Q?
@Saber-Scorpion: I’m with you. This site will save you money, especially if your friends tend to want to see shit films, and sometimes I think I enjoy the scripts more for movies I haven’t seen.
November 7th, 2008 at 1:30 pmThis movie looked like some pussy Lifetime movie and it appears that it was.
November 7th, 2008 at 7:04 pmGood to hear that my decision to go salsaing was the better choice.
Shortest title? How about M and Q?
Ah, right. “W” is a very wide letter, and it has that period attached to it. “I” would be the ultimate winner.
November 8th, 2008 at 5:44 pm“This movie looked like some pussy Lifetime movie and it appears that it was. Good to hear that my decision to go salsaing was the better choice.”
The fact that you don’t see the inherent irony of your comment just makes it even funnier. Not even we latinos “go salsaing”. I fear your entire life may be a “pussy Lifetime movie”. You definitely would have been better off watching “W”.
November 9th, 2008 at 11:14 pmAlso: “U” would be a shorter movie title (http://www.imdb.com/find?s=tt&q=U&x=11&y=8). By definition, U is half as long as W.
November 9th, 2008 at 11:19 pmJust felt I had to point this out:
The line in the script is that Stone wants an Oscar for ’shortest title’ not a lifetime achievement award for ’shortest title’. Thus, Q, M, and U cannot be compared against it, since they did not come out in 2008.
And yes, this did occur to me when I wrote it.
I’m the king of dorks.
November 9th, 2008 at 11:51 pmYeah Tudor. I am romanian. “Bine fac, ma.” :D
November 10th, 2008 at 3:06 am“The fact that you don’t see the inherent irony of your comment just makes it even funnier. Not even we latinos “go salsaing”. I fear your entire life may be a “pussy Lifetime movie”. You definitely would have been better off watching “W”.”
Maybe instead of attacking my choices in life, you should focus on the fact that this is a movie mocking site and make fun of the movie. Or you know bugger off….
November 10th, 2008 at 6:22 am“Just like Digg.com but without all the Steve Jobs cocksucking.”
That was clever upon meta levels of clever. Hat’s to you, sir.
November 10th, 2008 at 7:04 amThat’s it? The comments section is going to have a discussion on whether or not W would win shortest named title? Now that’s a letdown.
November 10th, 2008 at 8:20 amInternet Comments are so unpredictable.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:14 amYeah, hey, remember that part in How to Kill Your Neighbor’s Dog when the doctor stimulates Kenneth Branagh’s prostate?
Movie’s hilarious.
November 11th, 2008 at 6:34 amOK fine I’ll take the bait:
Who here actually voted for this dumbshit (no I haven’t seen the movie; I base that off of his failed policies & all-around level of ’stupid’)?
OK, now get defensive if you did. Ready….. GO!
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November 11th, 2008 at 3:36 pm|
V
I would also like to point out that all the talk about “shortest movie title” is rubbish to begin with, and that ROD MADE A MISTAKE OMG!
The title isn’t “W”, it’s “W.” [as in 'W(period)'].
That’s clearly two characters long.
Thus, all movies that are solely any letter a-z and numbers 0-9 are half as long (rudimentary math skillz).
Now where’s my damn cookie?
November 16th, 2008 at 7:11 pmhmm, bob is right
the correct spelling is with a period, or we could mistake it for “wuh”.
November 16th, 2008 at 10:45 pmEnough politics…post Cloverfield already.
November 19th, 2008 at 10:39 amIt’s about time someone said what we’ve all been thinking.
November 19th, 2008 at 7:04 pm[...] other major problem is what it doesn’t cover, a complete absence of some of the most defining moments of his Presidency from the vote rigging [...]
November 20th, 2008 at 3:38 pmuh wrgbl I don’t know if you know this but he already posted Cloverfield
http://www.the-editing-room.com/cloverfield.html
November 28th, 2008 at 8:43 amthe joke, it was not understood.
/cloverfield!!1!
November 28th, 2008 at 1:58 pmThat’s nice, but some folks want him to post Cloverfield AGAIN.
November 29th, 2008 at 7:03 pmXdudeX: “the correct spelling is with a period, or we could mistake it for “wuh”.”
You’re a fucking retard. When you see the letter A without a period, do you mistake it for “Aay”? A period is merely punctuation, it isn’t going to effect how shit is pronounced, Jesus Christ.
November 29th, 2008 at 11:55 pmi guess chris isn’t the only one who doesn’t understand jokes
December 1st, 2008 at 1:52 amI think people are talking about saving $8 because they don’t have to buy a magazine – all these ‘abridged scripts’ are taken directly from a British magazine, “Total Film”. I can’t believe this guy hasn’t been called on it before.
December 1st, 2008 at 3:08 amDamn! Andrew figured me out! I’ve been doing this for 10 years and nobody has realized that all I do is type up the Abridged Scripts feature from Total Film magazine, add about a thousand of my own words, and then publish them on this site as though they were my own!
The idea came to me when I first saw the article and noticed that the article writer for the magazine has the exact same name as me. I figured that would allow me to get away with it forever, but dammit, Andrew saw through the ruse.
Nice work.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:36 amMan, Rod, it’s time to admit you’ve been ripping off that guy from Cracked.com too! I for one won’t put up with it any longer. I demand that Rod Hilton of Cracked.com get the credit he deserves!
December 1st, 2008 at 12:31 pmI’m still waiting on my GOD-DAMNED COOKIE, Rod.
;-)
December 1st, 2008 at 11:59 pmBut random bob! The spy-ware cookies are installed everytime you log on! Isn’t that enough!?
February 5th, 2009 at 8:48 amLOL @ the jab at Digg.com :)
February 16th, 2009 at 9:42 pm1. There’s a goddamn difference between a goddamn impression and a goddamn performance you goddamn asshole!
2. It wasn’t Oliver Stone’s fucking idea to release this goddamn movie before 2009. The fucking studios made him because they thought the election would give it a better goddamn box office.
3. This movie does’t want you to fucking hate bush, it wants you to UNDERSTAND HIM!
March 10th, 2009 at 10:52 amTed Lancer
1) You’re
2) An
3) Idiot!!
March 17th, 2009 at 7:30 am“Alright, we need to reachify some kind of agreementation here. What, exactly, should we orderate for lunch?”
that was brilliant, bust it was unfortunAtley the best part.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:47 pm“THANDIE NEWTON
Wow, Oliver Stone has some big brass balls to portray a decorated military general as a spineless pussy. Yet somehow he’s unable to stand up to me and tell me that my impression of Condoleeza Rice is more embarrassing than anything Bush has ever done in public.”
HOW DID NO ONE ELSE SEEM TO NOTICE THIS. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THAANK YOU YOU AHHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHH My life has been vindicated.
Really, no one I saw this with noticed. None of the reviews mentioned the facial tics and the horrific tone of voice.
Anyhow.
April 4th, 2009 at 9:03 pmSaw the film last night Rod, and you’re right on the money with this script. What a wasted opportunity it was. I think Josh Brolin’s exchange with Elizabeth Banks best sums up the whole film… I’m sure she had more fun on the set of Zack And Miri Make A Porno. (Which I haven’t seen since I’ve long grown tired of Kevin Smith films.)
June 21st, 2009 at 7:59 am