The Abridged Script
Every other web site on the fucking internet is telling Americans to go vote today. Instead, I'm offering up this politically themed Abridged Script. Now, let the idiotic political flamewar in the comments commence!
INT. WHITE HOUSE - WASHINGTON, D.C. - 2002
JOSH BROLIN, RICHARD DREYFUSS, TOBY JONES, JEFFREY WRIGHT, THANDIE NEWTON, SCOTT GLEN, BRUCE MCGILL, and DENNIS BOUTSIKARIS meet together to discuss various matters of national concern.
Alright, we need to reachify some kind of agreementation here. What, exactly, should we orderate for lunch?
Mr. President, As your trusted advisor Karl Rove, I have to recommend sandwiches. They have a more American quality than Chinese food, which should give you a 2.5% boost in the polls.
Jesus Christ, you're playing Karl Rove? I know he's an unfortunate-looking man and all, but he's not Sloth from "Goonies" either.
Sir, I strongly believe Chinese food is the better option for a variety of reasons...
Nevermind, you're right. Turkey and swiss on wheat, please.
Wow, Oliver Stone has some big brass balls to portray a decorated military general as a spineless pussy. Yet somehow he's unable to stand up to me and tell me that my impression of Condoleeza Rice is more embarrassing than anything Bush has ever done in public.
SCOTT GLEN AND DENNIS BOUTSIKARIS
Despite being major architects of the war in Iraq, we will have no more lines in the movie beyond this one.
So we're all in agreement then. For lunch, we will eat sandwiches and human baby hearts! GRRAAARRRRRR!
Geeze, these impressions are so over the top, this whole thing feels like a Saturday Night Live skit, except not funny.
So, exactly like a Saturday Night Live skit.
EXT. TEXAS - 1960'S
JOSH BROLIN bumbles his way through FRAT PARTIES and various JOBS, being a MISERABLE FAILURE at everything. His father, JAMES CROMWELL, scolds him.
I'm so disappointed in you, Junior. In fact, I'm so annoyed that I won't even bother doing anything remotely resembling an impersonation of George H. W. Bush.
But Poppy, all I want in life is to make you proud of me! Oh, and drink copious amounts of Jack Daniels.
That's it? That's the film's deep, insightful analysis of the 43rd President of the United States? He has daddy issues? Is this a serious dramatic biopic or an episode of Oprah?
JOSH BROLIN meets ELIZABETH BANKS.
Hey there, sugar. I'm well-educated, well-read, smart, and sassy. For some reason I'm attracted to you.
Well gull-dern, I suppose you will be used to contrast my bumbling idiocy for the duration of the film.
Actually I won't be in anything but the background until the movie spares everyone and ends.
Oh. Hey, it's been nearly 10 minutes since I awkwardly forced a famous Bush quotation into my dialogue.
Ahem. I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully. Strategery.
Is this really supposed to pass for filmmaking? I can buy a desk calendar full of these things.
JOSH stops being an ALCOHOLIC and becomes a JESUSOHOLIC.
I think I'm going to run for governizor of Texas!
I won! Now I'm going to run for President!
I'm president now! Let's invade Iraq!
Jesus, what's this movie supposed to be about if it's going to skip over the 2000 election, September 11th, the warrantless wiretapping scandal, the attorney firings, the Valarie Plame scandal, hurricane Katrina, Terry Schiavo, Surpreme Court justices Roberts and Alito, allegations of voter suppression in 2004, social security privatization, Alberto Gonzales, Harriet Miers, Porter Goss, the PATRIOT act, Jack Abramoff, the gay marriage amendment proposal, Jeff Gannon, the Abu Ghraib scandal, and Cheney shooting his friend in the face?
Waah, daddy loved Jeb more!
Fuck this, I'm going to go make a porno with Kevin Smith.
INT. WHITE HOUSE - WASHINGTON, D.C. - 2003
Things that GEORGE W. BUSH did occur ON-SCREEN in approximate order of occurrence without any particular point or theme gluing them together.
Perfect. My newest masterpiece is finished just in time to be released before 2009!
Why did it matter? Your toothless movie takes about as tough a stance against Bush as congressional Democrats do, so why would you care if it got released before he left office?
Bush? No, I needed to get the movie finished so I could win an Academy Award!
Academy Award? For this? All you've done is create a greatest hits compilation of news articles, declassified briefs, and congressional testimonies. Your movie is Digg.com, except without all the Steve Jobs cocksucking. What the hell would you get an award for?
You mean there isn't an award for 'Shortest Title By a Motion Picture'?
No. This thing is destined to be forced upon high school kids during the last week of school, nothing more.
Oh, well. Three down, forty to go. Coming soon to a theater near you, "Taft"!
OLIVER STONE, having been unable to make a decent movie in 8 years, is replaced by a young, charismatic, black director.