Private schools these days are very progressive.


Private schools these days are very progressive.

VAMPIRE ACADEMY

The Abridged Script

LUCY FRY has a nightmare where her family dies horribly in a car accident. She wakes up in a made for TV movie with the acting skills of a low quality porn actress. Her bestie ZOEY DEUTCH feels her feelings and goes to save her from her sadness.

LUCY FRY

Thank God you're here! I got sad! Really really sad. And you know there is only one cure for that?

ZOEY DEUTCH

Sucking my blood so that you can be fed while I go into an orgasmic trance?

LUCY FRY

Obviously.

THEY DO THAT.

ZOEY DEUTCH

Oh no! Guardians who are trying to protect you and take us back to school since we are minors who have escaped our academy- even though we don't know why they did that- are outside and trying to catch us!

LUCY FRY

What do you mean we don't know why we did that? Seriously?

ZOEY DEUTCH

True Story. We made an elaborate escape a year ago and hid out in Portland in this WB show... and I won't have any idea WHY I did that until the end of the movie. But my job is protecting you so that's what I'm doing dammit!

ZOEY fights the guardians with an exploding motorcycle but loses because she just isn't very good at the protecting thing, and super amazing awesome second coming of Jesus guardian, DANILA KOZLOVSKY, kicks her ass about 20 feet up into the air but then catches her gallantly because he is a gentlemen after all.

ZOEY DEUTCH (V.O. INFO DUMP)

Alright so Lucy is a peaceful royal mortal vampire who needs protection and I'm half human, half vampire who can read her mind sometimes. And I'm supposed to be her guardian and protect her from something called Strigoi that are really bad guy vampires. Also, just so you know, this is not Twilight. We actually point that out several times in this movie. We are better than Twilight, alright? Twilight this ain't. Esto no es Twilight.

INT. VAMPIRE ACADEMY

The girls are confronted by headmistress OLGA KURYENKO who is mad but her face is amazing.

OLGA KURYLENKO

How dare you risk the life of this maybe royal princess? I'm going to kick you out of school.

LUCY can also apparently Jedi mind trick people.

LUCY FRY

Don't kick her out of school.

OLGA KURYENKO

I'm not going to kick you out of school.

ZOEY has a flashback that shows a suicidal crow slamming into a statue which should be disturbing but is hilarious. LUCY brings the crow back to life as a sexy guy skilled in martial arts who gets revenge on the rape and murder of his fiancé while playing the electric guitar in windows and a great soundtrack plays in the background. Just kidding he just flies away. The point of this is for you to know that she can bring almost dead things back to life.

DANILA KOZLOVSKY

Listen Zoey. I thik we can all agree that it's refreshing that the damsel is being protected by her best girlfriend, but it would help if you weren't terrible at it. Lets have private lessons together. All innocent of course. I mean strictly business. No boobie touching.

ZOEY DEUTCH

I'm sorry. What did you just say? Why are you talking like that?

DANILA KOZLOVSKY

Well I'm actually Russian which is what this character is also, but for some reason I fucked with my real accent. I don't know what this is supposed to be. I actually admitted on the Internet somewhere that I don't have any idea what I'm doing with this terrible accent.

ZOEY DEUTCH

Well that also does not explain why you have 1980's Bono hair. But OK lets have private but not sexy lessons.

EXT. VAMPIRE ACADEMY "CAFETERIA".

LUCY and ZOEY meet up and go to something called The Human Feeder Program where vampires go to feed off volunteer humans who in turn get their rocks off. Or something. GABRIEL BYRNE is also there.

GABRIEL BYRNE

I'm the closest thing Lucy has to a father. Since I am clearly dying I will be at the helm of most of her problems for my own well being. Meet my painfully annoying pawn in my seedy underhanded games, I mean daughter Sarah Hyland.

SARAH HYLAND

O-M-G. Mythingisgoingtobetalkingreallyfastandbereallyintocuteboysebcauseboysarecutebemyfriendsplease.

Everybody goes to church because vampires are really religious. Yes, they really do. Meanwhile, the plot of Gossip Girl ensues.

CAMERON MONAGHAN

I like Zoey.

DOMINIC SHERWOOD

And I like Lucy. I'm also looking very Edwardy despite this movie's protest that it isn't anything like Twilight. And I never close my mouth. Ever.

LUCY FRY

I like Dominic but want to be in the popular crowd so I like Ashley Charles instead.

SAMI GAYLE

I'm a bitch with a pixie cut and I get called things like mini bitch throughout this movie. So just so you know, I'm a bitch.

ASHLEY CHARLES

I heard that Lucy let Zoey suck her blood when they were away from the academy. That's this movie's equivalent of being a major slut. So now we all freak out because she kept her friend from dying.

Someone kills a fox and hangs it outside LUCY'S door and everyone freaks the fuck out.

INT. LUCY'S APARTMENT

ZOEY, LUCY, and SARAH find a message written in blood on LUCY'S wall.

ZOEY DEUTCH

Sarah, find out who did this!

SARAH HYLAND

What do you want me to do lick the fucking wall?

ZOEY DEUTCH

Yes.

SARAH licks the blood on the wall. The audience hangs themselves. ZOEY suddenly remembers that she left the academy because a crazy teacher told her to and then made her forget why. She reports this to GABRIEL and OLGA.

GABRIEL BYRNE

OK so Lucy can bring people back from death and for that she needs to be protected. Right?

ZOEY DEUTCH

The brink of death. Just the brink of death.

GABIRIEL BYRNE

That is lame.

Everybody responds to this by going on a shopping montage. Gabriel buys Zoey a twelve thousand dollar necklace which for some reason sends up no red flag because decrepit old men typically buy teenage girls jewelry for Twelve. Thousand. Dollars.

INT. DANCE

LUCY, ZOEY, and SARAH slow walk into the dance together looking exactly like they have looked throughout most of the movie. LUCY dances with DOMINIC and they become an item. CAMERON approaches ZOEY and has pretty much figured out much of the movie's mystery despite being in it for about two seconds.

CAMERON MONAGHAN

Yeah so these losers here said that Sami let them have their way with her if they listened to her. So they killed the fox and wrote Lucy's wall in blood.

ZOEY punches SAMI in the face. Then she goes to DANILA for help but then is sidetracked by the sight of him in his pajama pants.

ZOEY DEUTCH

(actual line)

Sweet sassy molassey.

DANILA KOZLOVSKY

Hot.

They make out for while and DANILA throws her dress into a fire. He then realizes her necklace is a love charm and throws that in there too even though it cost Twelve. Fucking. Thousand. Dollars. They leave and save LUCY from GABRIEL who wants her for her powers of bringing things back from the brink of death.

LUCY FRY

You can't make me save your life.

GABRIEL makes her save his life.

Numerous other fights break out including one with some dogs and DANILA has to kill Sarah Hyland because she turned into a bad guy vampire. The good guys win, the bad guys don't. Later on, DANILA and ZOEY meet up to talk about LOVE.

DANILA KOZLOVSKY

You're about ten years younger than I am, oh yeah and I work in this school, making a love affair between us extremely fucked up. So you'll have to wait for the sequel in order to get into my jammy pants.

ZOEY DEUTCH

Are you kidding? There is no way they're making a sequel to this. This was a jumbled mess of shit that nobody saw. When the movie poster declares "From the creator of Mean Girls" which was ten fucking years ago and starring classic actress Lindsay Lohan- you have a complete embarrassment. Let's at least try our best to end this on a high note.

DANILA KOZLOVSKY

And by that you mean you're going to throw me to the ground and yell "ARE YOU NOT ENTERAINED?"

ZOEY DEUTCH

That's... yep that's how this ends. With a Gladiator quote.

Nobody is entertained.

END.

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