"Welcome to Alpha Station. Dane will take your luggage while Cara shows you to your room. To reach me, just dial the front desk and ask for Concierge."


"Welcome to Alpha Station. Dane will take your luggage while Cara shows you to your room. To reach me, just dial the front desk and ask for Concierge."

VALERIAN AND THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION

The film begins in 1974 with the first parts of the SPACE STATION begin assembled. We then montage forward in time as the STATION grows ever larger and HUMANS make first contact with STRANGE, PECULIAR, OTHERWORLDLY LIFE-FORMS also known as LUC BESSON'S DIRECTOR BUDDIES, who in turn eventually make contact with ALIENS.

INT. FUTURE PRESS CONFERENCE

LUC drags RUTGER HAUER out of his PALLIATIVE CARE WARD to do a scene.

RUTGER HAUER

(metabolism failing)

Attention citizens of Earth. The Space Station has grown so vast that its gravitational force now threatens our planet. So yeah, way to plan ahead, assholes.

(crumbling to dust)

The obvious solution would be to put the station into a new orbit, further away. Or have it orbit a larger planet in our system, like Jupiter.

(becomes skeleton)

But since the station is now an awesome utopia of thousands of alien races all cooperating and sharing awesome technology and resources and shit we're gonna say FUCK IT and fling it into deep space totally at random as a beacon of hope or some fucking nonsense.

(clutches Indiana Jones as the winds of Time shear away what little remains of his corporeal form)

Anyway I am sure excited to make my return to movies, how many more scenes do I get?

TITLE CARD: 400 YEARS LATER

RUTGER HAUER

(ghostly voice on the wind)

Shit.

EXT. PASTEL PARADISE PLANET

A race of EMACIATED RUNWAY MODEL ALIENS blissfully frolic on their perfect beach as they celebrate their perfect existence inside a giant PERSONAL HYGIENE COMMERCIAL.

ALIEN PRINCESS

Ah, another day of harvesting our special pearls, how wonderful! Our race is also called the Pearls just to confuse the fuck out of people.

The ALIEN PRINCESS feeds a PEARL to her cute little SQUEAKY-TOY ALIEN PET. It shudders and SHITS OUT A WHOLE BUNCH MORE PEARLS!

ALIEN PRINCESS

Each of these pearls contains more raw power than an entire spacecraft. I guess the law of conservation of energy can go eat a bag of dicks and then shit out three dozen more bags of dicks, huh?

Suddenly SPACESHIPS are plummeting from the sky and CRASHING everywhere! The PRINCESS'S VILLAGE all pile into one crashed ship, but her civilization's failure to invent the BUDDY SYSTEM traps the PRINCESS outside alone!

ALIEN PRINCESS

Oh fuck, now the hugest ship of all's gonna hit, easily blowing up this planet since its core is a giant tank of gasoline. All I can do is surrender to fate, in the form of a big mindwave screaming deathgasm! Ahem. FUCKK MEEEEEEEEEEE

(cum-dies)

INT. SPACESHIP HOLODECK

Federal agents DANE DEHAAN and CARA DELEVINGNE are relaxing on a HOLODECK BEACH when DANE gets hit with the BRAIN-ENERGY-WAVE! Also the story just jumped ahead multiple years without you even knowing it, isn't this fun?

DANE DEHAAN

Well that was weird. But can't think about that now, time for our daily swimsuit wrestling regimen!

CARA DELEVINGNE

(muttering)

Gorram French military...

DANE DEHAAN

(madly groping Cara)

So why don't you love me yet?

CARA DELEVINGNE

Wait you're already utterly hot for me? Right, because who wants a story about two people falling in love, when they could watch an obsessed guy wearing down a girl's patience instead.

(sighs)

Tell you what. If you love me so much, how about deleting your tapes of you fucking other women?

DANE DEHAAN

That sounds like basic non-douchebaggery, so instead I'll save that until the very end of the movie as some kind of grand romantic gesture.

SPACESHIP A.I.

Attention! Almost time to leave hyperspace! Also Defence Minister Herbie Hancock wants to Skype you.

DANE DEHAAN

What, THE Herbie Hancock? The jazz giant? Can he, y'know, act?

HERBIE HANCOCK

(on Skype)

Who knows? Hi it's me Herbie Hancock you guys need to do plot stuff okay bye.

EXT. BIG WIDE OPEN DESERT PLANET

DANE and CARA show up in disguise as HIGH SCHOOL KIDS who've borrowed their GRANDPARENTS' CLOTHES, and meet their gruff grizzled FEDERAL SQUADRON.

SQUAD CAPTAIN

Greetings, Major DeHaan... MAJOR?!? Are you even old enough to fucking shave?? I thought maybe everyone was genetically modified to look young in this future, but since we're a bunch of ornery-looking old-ass French dudes I guess we're just taking orders from teenagers or some shit.

DANE DEHAAN

Look, I'm almost 30, okay? I just LOOK prepubescent. I demand to be treated like the fully mature, grown-up adult that I am.

SQUAD CAPTAIN

Fine, fine. Now get in the magical flying schoolbus.

They get into the FLYING FUCKING SCHOOLBUS and head to their destination which is...

EXT. THE GREAT MARKET

DANE, CARA, and the SQUAD arrive along with several TOURIST GROUPS.

SQUAD CAPTAIN

So here we are at the Great Market, which is supercool because it's actually in ANOTHER DIMENSION, WOAHHHHHHHHH plus you get +1 Card, +1 Action, +1 Coin AND +1 Buy, it's totes awesome. Anyway, these special goggles and gloves allow you to see and touch things in the Market Dimension.

CARA DELEVINGNE

Okay cool, but... in OUR dimension, everyone is just wandering around a square patch of flat desert, and the Market dimension has hundreds of stories of shops and buildings, how do people go up and down? And in some shots, obstacles in this dimension clearly correspond 1:1 to things in the Market, so how does that reconcile with--

DANE DEHAAN

Clearly it does not. I'm just curious if there's a setting that will block out the "hilarious" bickering old married couple.

Another SOLDIER shoots a DART into a TOWER GUARD allowing him to control the guard's BODY.

DANE DEHAAN

Wow, there are a bunch of times later on where I'd love to have that gizmo! As a Federal Major my ship must have one of those stashed somewhere right?

SQUAD CAPTAIN

Dane, you know quite well that ANY and ALL cool gadgets in this movie are STRICTLY one-use only.

DANE uses the special gear to spy on ALIEN JOHN GOODMAN doing a trade with two PEARL aliens.

JOHN GOODALIEN

I agreed to give you the last Squeaky Toy Pet, so you could turn your last pearl into tons o'pearls and use them to pay me. But instead I'm going to double-cross you and keep everything.

PEARL ALIENS

Hm.

(do nothing)

JOHN GOODALIEN

Now, where did I put my double-crossing gun.

(rummages in drawer)

It's here somewhere...

(rummages)

(pulls out gun)

Ah there we go! Now I'll aim it halfway between both of you while I look for the splitter-switch. Hang on...

PEARL ALIENS

(immobile)

JOHN GOODALIEN

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand.... THERE we go! Now it's pointed at both of you! Pretty cool right?

PEARL ALIENS

OH SHIT HE GOT THE DROP ON US BUT HOW!

DANE sticks his ARM inside a special DIMENSION PHASE BOX that lets his GUN HAND exist in the Market Dimension!

DANE DEHAAN

This is the Feds! Gimme the Squeaky Toy Pet AND the pearl now!

PEARL ALIEN

I refuse to come with you!... oh, you mean the small round object. We really should have a different name, this is like if Canadians were called the Sorrys.

DANE gets both PLOT COUPONS but his ARM PHASEBOX fucks up, trapping half his ARM in the Market Dimension! JOHN GOODALIEN sends GOONS after him!

DANE DEHAAN

Shit!

(runs)

It's a good thing we've got full control of a tower guard in a completely different dimension from where all the bad guy threats exist!

DANE escapes thanks to a MANHOLE situated in the middle of the wide open desert, then finds CARA and she fixes the ARM BOX. They pile into the SCHOOLBUS with the SQUADRON--however JOHN GOODALIEN sends an ALIEN ATTACK DOG through the SELF-CHECKOUT DIMENSIONAL GATEWAY and it pursues!

DANE DEHAAN

Oh crap! It'll take all our combined prowess to defeat that beast WHAT'S THAT?!? YOU GUYS WOULD RATHER LAY DOWN YOUR LIVES WHILE WE FUCK OFF?? WELL I CAN'T DENY SUCH A NOBLE SACRIFICE OKAY LATERS

DANE and CARA leap onto their SHIP and BOOK IT.

EXT. ALPHA STATION, AKA THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS

DANE and CARA fly all the way to ALPHA without any mention of all the DEAD GUYS who just got eaten by a SPACE MONSTER so they could escape.

CARA DELEVINGNE

While we make our way to dock, how about we check some random Wikipedia facts about Alpha Station to share with the audience. Who said world-building was hard?

They DOCK and report to an imposing figure with his back to us---who turns out to be---CLIVE OWEN oh no wait, it's... SAM SPRUELL...??

SAM SPRUELL

Yeah, Clive's running late so I did the dramatic intro shot instead. Hey there, Last Ship fans!

DANE DEHAAN

So what the fuck's going on?

SAM SPRUELL

There's an expanding radioactive zone of death deep within Alpha. Clive will be able to explain further.

CLIVE OWEN

(entering)

Right I'm finally here, just in time to not explain shit any further, but tell you that I will explain shit further a couple scenes from now! Now fuck off!

CLIVE goes to have a word alone with his PERSONAL SQUADRON OF EVILBOTS.

CLIVE OWEN

(actual line)

Remember, if anything goes wrong... you know what to do.

EVILBOTS

IF YOU GET SPOOGE-COCCOONED DOES THAT COUNT AS SOMETHING GOING WRONG

CLIVE OWEN

It does.

EVILBOTS

ROGER THAT

(pause)

CLIVE OWEN

Um, and you know... what to do?

EVILBOTS

YES

(pause)

OF COURSE

(pause)

JUST CHECKING IS IT TO STAND AROUND USELESSLY AND DO JACK SHIT UNTIL YOU GIVE US MORE ORDERS

CLIVE OWEN

(sinister grin)

Precisely.

INT. ALPHA COUNCIL ROOM

The ALPHA COUNCIL meets to address the crisis. While CLIVE drones on and on in the background, CARA is approached by three WATTOS.

THE THREE WATTOS

We are the Expositionally Alien Trio! Our role is to magically appear with whatever information any character needs to know at any given point, just in case anyone was making a list of the laziest plot devices ever committed to film.

But suddenly the PEARLS attack with their awesome DISCO SPOOGE RIFLES that encase everyone in QUICK-DRY SPOOGE while FLASHING STROBE LIGHTS everywhere!

PEARL ALIEN

Make it count fellas! This is the one and only scene we have these unstoppable weapons for, so use 'em for all they're worth!!!

CLIVE OWEN

(enspunked)

Glorph!

CARA DELEVINGNE

(enjismed)

Blmpf!

DANE DEHAAN

(cumcooned)

Ullpf! Just... enough... time... to get my respirator on...

CLIVE is carried off by the PEARLS! Luckily, DANE'S RESPIRATOR just so happens to have a CUTTING TOOL ROBOT built INSIDE THE RESPIRATOR because OF COURSE IT FUCKING DOES. The robot FREES him and he MAKES CHASE using his POWER ARMOUR to smash through shit!

DANE DEHAAN

FUCK YOU WALL

(busts through wall)

FUCK YOU ALIEN HABITAT

(busts through alien habitat)

FUCK YOU THIN AIR OH SHIT

(begins falling from great height BUT--)

Hey my power armour can create force-platforms in mid-air! Damn the one-use rule, that would be AWESOME for when Cara gets caught by alien fishermen later on.

DANE busts straight through to OUTER SPACE and summons his PERSONAL SHUTTLE, just in time to spot the PEARL ALIENS flying off! He chases but the PEARL ship suddenly splits up into a bunch of tiny ships!

PEARLS

FLEEING ALIENS MULTI-SHIP

DANE DEHAAN

Yes I see--

PEARLS

MULTI-SHIP

DANE DEHAAN

Yes okay we KNOW it's a multi-ship, thanks.

INT. COMMAND BRIDGE

CARA has made her way to the BRIDGE to monitor DANE but they LOSE HIS SIGNAL!

CARA DELEVINGNE

Damn! Now it's up to me to rescue Dane and Clive, don't suppose you have a spare gruff grizzled squadron I could borrow? The last one, um, found a great new boardgame cafe inside the Market Dimension and, er, stuck around to play Terraforming Mars.

SAM SPRUELL

Negative! I can't afford to lose you too, so I'm giving you a direct order not to go! Fuck that, I'm detaining you! Actually, double fuck that, I'm having you arrested! Thus removing your ability to help, and essentially, losing you too!

CARA is led away by GUARDS but, spotting the THREE WATTOS, decides to FACEKICK the guards and ESCAPE.

CARA DELEVINGNE

Right, you assholes know everything, tell me where Dane is.

WATTO #1

We could! But we'd rather take you to see Meth-head Submarine Captain Crunch--

WATTO #2

Who'll take us to the gigantic goofy fish from Phantom Menace--

WATTO #3

Which has a psychic jellyfish attached to it, that we won't mention beforehand so the audience has to sit there wondering why the fuck we're chasing fish--

WATTO #1

Then you then have to shove your head up the jellyfish's asshole, but ONLY FOR ONE MINUTE, any longer than EXACTLY ONE MINUTE and you will start to lose memories except actually NO YOU WON'T YOU'LL BE TOTES FINE and then--

CARA DELEVINGNE

HOLY FUCKING SHIT DUDES ENOUGH, look we have to start skipping some of this fetch-quest bullshit or this abridged script is gonna be like fifty million words long, can you just lead me to Dane please?!?!?

THE THREE WATTOS

Fine.

(hands on hips)

(look sideways)

(cough)

INT. STUPID DUMB COMMAND BRIDGE

Back on the bridge GENERAL BORING tries to decide what to do next.

GENERAL BORING

Hey wait, what happened to my name? Why aren't I Sam Spruell anymore?

(because your scenes are SO DULL dude)

Oh yeah? Well maybe I'll look at some CLASSIFIED INFORMATION, huh? How about that?!?

(the info is blocked, YAWWWWWNNNN)

God dammit.

(yeah how about we not worry about this lame-ass plotline any more? okay cool)

INT. DEEP WITHIN ALPHA STATION

CARA finds crashlanded DANE at Death's door, but guess what she uses a GIZMO and saves him!

DANE DEHAAN

Oh hey Cara. 'Sup.

CARA DELEVINGNE

Hey yourself. Let's look for Clive.

DANE DEHAAN

Okay. Also we should get like married and shit. Truly I don't see how you've resisted my unstoppable charisma for this long.

CARA DELEVINGNE

Hm? Sorry, was looking at these pretty butterflies YOIINNKK

(abruptly pulled upwards!!)

DANE DEHAAN

NOOOO that was really an alien fishing lure, dangling here in this completely deserted area of the station in case life-forms happened to stumble in here!

Sure enough, we see GOOFY-LOOKING ALIENS fishing at the top of the crevasse. DANE uses a DIFFERENT LURE to get himself brought up and then just STRAIGHT UP BLOWS THE HEAD RIGHT FUCKING OFF his fisherman who, for all we know, was a regular guy trying to feed his family.

CARA DELEVINGNE

(thrown into wooden ball and carted off)

Oh hey, I have weapons too, don't I? I should use them.

(does not use them)

DANE DEHAAN

Damn, they've taken her into Goofy Alientown where only Goofy Aliens are allowed in! If only I had a gizmo where I could remotely control one of their bodies!

(thinks)

I could storm in there with my invincible power armour, grab Cara and shoot our way out, and after all, two seconds ago I flat-out murdered one of them without hesitation. But then we wouldn't get to FUCK AROUND DOING EVEN MORE FETCH QUESTS OH YEEEAHHHHHHH

(dammit dude, we were gonna skip all that side bullshit)

You can't leave out Rihanna though, c'mon.

(ugh, FINE)

So yeah, the only solution to this predicament is a specific prostitute alien!

(but of course it is)

Luckily, immediately beside GOOFY ALIENTOWN is HOOKERSEXTOWN!!!!

INT. HOOKERSEXTOWN

DANE makes one of his guns INVISIBLE and wow if only his SUIT could do that, but it only holds FORTY THOUSAND GIZMOS and he burned the last spot downloading SUPER MARIO RUN.

ETHAN HAWKE

(pimpily)

Hey buddy, I got what you need! Remember in Fifth Element when the whole movie paused to listen to future opera?

DANE DEHAAN

Yeah, that was really cool. We gonna do something like that?

ETHAN HAWKE

Something. Except instead of opera it's a sleazy striptease by a shape-shifting alien, where the actual striptease part will be performed by an unbilled actress with Rihanna awkwardly composited into it. And Cara will be in mortal danger the whole time, making it just a dick move on your part to be sitting around getting your rocks off.

RIHANNA shows up and does the CGI MYSTIQUETEASE which goes on a quite a while until finally DANE decides to MURDER ETHAN to continue his streak of homicide against wacky support characters.

DANE DEHAAN

You're free now Rihanna. In exchange please help me sneak into Goofy Alientown.

RIHANNA

Wow, you really could have skipped ahead to that part. It's crazy how similar this movie is to Fifth Element while being sooooooo much worse.

DANE DEHAAN

Guess Luc should have stolen more scenes directly from old Dean Martin spy movies.

(to camera)

Seriously, the entire opera-house sequence is lifted wholesale from 1966's "The Silencers". It's nuts.

RIHANNA

And hey, The Silencers opens with a striptease montage, maybe that loosely inspired this scene!

DANE DEHAAN

If this is what "loosely inspired" gives us, I guess Luc needs to start stealing directly from OTHER Dean Martin spy movies. Anyhoo let's go.

RIHANNA engulfs DANE and takes the form of a GOOFY ALIEN to get them into GOOFY ALIENTOWN.

INT. GOOFY ALIENTOWN -- ALIEN KING'S PALACE HALL

While all that was going on, CARA has RELENTLESSLY CONTINUED TO FORGET SHE IS CARRYING LOTS OF WEAPONS and is about to have her BRAIN EATEN.

DANE DEHAAN

Now that I'm here, maybe I should let these guys know that eating a Federal agent is a serious diplomatic boo-boo and try to negotiate our way FUCK IT

(murders Goofy Alien King)

There, that's sure to have the LEAST ramifications of any possible course of action I might have chosen.

DANE, CARA and RIHANNA fight some GUARDS and then escape through a SEWER GRATE which is in the dead centre of their huge ceremonial throne room.

DANE DEHAAN

Wow just like that manhole in the middle of the desert. Turns out we can't reuse gizmos, but we CAN reuse narrative conveniences!

INT. DEEP INSIDE ALPHA STATION

Our heroes fall out of the GARBAGE CHUTE in a SEWER TUNNEL.

RIHANNA

Oh no I was injured in the fight. Even though all I seemed to be doing was distracting guards so you and Cara could kill them. Nevertheless: Ah, I am slain. Urgle. Blorp.

(dies)

DANE DEHAAN

Noooo ah well, moving on! Hey did I mention how Princess Pearl put her psyche in my brain when she died, Search-for-Spock style? We can find the Pearls that way.

CARA DELEVINGNE

So almost getting yourself killed chasing down the Multi-Ship was pointless then.

DANE DEHAAN

Yep!

CARA DELEVINGNE

Okay. Ha ha, you're a girl! This is funny because we are twelve now.

They eventually finds the PEARL ALIENS behind a giant SOAP BUBBLE.

PEARL EMPEROR

Greetings Dane and Cara. Since we spoogenapped Clive Owen we have sat here patiently waiting for you so we could explain everything.

(pause)

So those ships that blew up our planet were recklessly shot down by SOME MYSTERIOUS PERSON with Clive Owen's voice and complexion and hair colour. That mysterious person has since been doing everything possible, including faking the radioactive zone crisis, to cover up their mistake. And that mysterious person IS--

(dramatic pause)

EVERYONE

(waiting breathlessly)

PEARL EMPEROR

--Clive Owen!

EVERYONE

(SHITS PANTS and GASPS LOUDLY in UTTER FUCKING ASTONISHMENT)

CARA DELEVINGNE

How did you all survive the death of your planet anyway?

PEARL EMPEROR

Luckily that crashed ship we found only became MORE resistant to damage after getting shot the fuck down. It survived having an entire planet explode all around it, and we've lived in it ever since!

Outside the SOAP BUBBLE, a bunch of FEDERAL SOLDIERS show up and start aiming GUNS, as some PEARL ALIENS respond by challenging them to a game of RED ROVER.

DANE DEHAAN

Must call General Boring to explain! General Boring, come in!

(explains)

GENERAL BORING

(on phone)

Hm, interesting. But I won't believe Clive Owen is a sociopathic ruthless evil murdering fuckhead unless he tells me that personally right now. Put him on the phone and patch in all his evilbots, please. Are all the evilbots listening? Okay Clive, go ahead.

CLIVE OWEN

Evilbots---ACTIVATE!

EVILBOTS

OHHH RIGHT, GOOD IDEA, THANKS BOSS

(begin murdering everyone)

DANE DEHAAN

Shit! Luckily the two best Federal Agents in the Universe are here! Cara, you punch Clive in the head 400 times while I go and defeat all the evilbots myself, okay?

CARA DELEVINGNE

(sighs)

(begins tenderizing Clive's face)

DANE DEHAAN

(running into battle)

I'll have our sentient spaceship ramp up all my armour to God level! Which won't mean I do anything different or have any new gizmos, just that I'll win that much more effortlessly.

(defeats evilbots)

With the EVILBOTS vanquished and CLIVE OWEN'S FACE turned into so much THREE-BEAN CHILI, DANE and CARA confer on how to wrap things up.

CARA DELEVINGNE

If we return the pearl and the Squeaky Toy Pet to the Pearls they can make a new mini-planet for themselves, we should do that now.

DANE DEHAAN

Okay. But maybe we could copy some pearls for ourselves first, given how they're insanely valuable?

CARA DELEVINGNE

Don't be a dick.

The PEARLS use the items to create a new BEACH inside their ship! Hooray but WAIT A SECOND THERE'S BOMBS GONNA GO OFF BECAUSE OF COURSE THERE ARE BOMBS!!

GENERAL BORING

(on phone)

No no, it's okay, we stopped them with one second left and--

DON'T LISTEN TO HIM YOU GOTTA ESCAPE NOW GUYS!! The PEARL SHIP BUSTS OUT of ALPHA STATION all BIG-BADABOOM-STYLE!! YAY DESTRUCTION!!

INT. SPACE LIFEBOAT

The PEARLS have shown their gratitude to DANE and CARA by leaving them adrift in empty space.

DANE DEHAAN

Welp, looks like the male and female lead have been put inside a small container to fuck in.

CARA DELEVINGNE

Some spy tropes just can't STOP being stolen I guess!

They FUCK.

END

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