An eskimo takes "In case of emergency, break glass" too far.


An eskimo takes "In case of emergency, break glass" too far.

URBAN LEGEND

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. OMINOUS COLLEGE - NIGHT

JARED LETO

Hi, I'm the cute newspaper reporter that the female protagonist will get together with in the end. I used to do the show "My So-Called Life"

ALICIA WITT

I'm the female protagonist. I used to be the daughter on "Cybill"

MICHAEL ROSENBAUM

I'm the jokey, sarcasting guy. I used to be on "The Tom Show" on the WB network.

JOSHUA JACKSON

I'm the practical joker who dies near the beginning of the film. I am in "Dawson's Creek" also on the WB.

TARA REID

I'm the cute, sex-obsessed blonde girl. I played a minor role in "The Big Lebowski"

REBECCA GAYHEART

(nervously)

I'm the best friend. I don't contribute much to the story.. I'm kinda just there...that doesn't mean anything though.. I'm not the killer. Oh, and I used to do Noxema commercials.

AUDIENCE

Who the hell are these people?

ROBERT ENGLUND

Muahahah! Hi. I am Freddy Kruger. I have the smallest role and I'm the most recognizable actor in this piece of trash.

INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE COLLEGE - NIGHT

ALICIA WITT walks along, the camera's view only sees her. Slowly, a hand sneaks up behind her...

MOVIE SOUNDTRACK

EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

The hand grabs her shoulder. She spins around

MOVIE SOUNDTRACK

ORCHESTRA HIT!!!!!!!!!

It's someone she knows. They share a LAUGH. The AUDIENCE is extremely SCARED.

INT. COLLEGE....SOMEWHERE ELSE - NIGHT

The above scene repeats until DIRECTOR JAMIE BLANKS gets FLOGGED for doing it.

INT. COLLEGE.. STILL - NIGHT

Suddenly, JOSHUA JACKSON'S head explodes in the Urban Legend about the-exploding-head-of-that-jackass-from-that- damn-dawson's- creek-show.

AUDIENCE

WHOA! That was a really creative death scene! This movie rules!

DIRECTOR JAMIE BLANKS

Ha ha! We picked the most interesting Urban Legends and simply recreated them! This is being passed off as creativity! Har har har!

The KILLER, who wears one of those L.L. Bean coats that covers most of a persons face, stalks and KILLS people.

KYLE

Oh my God! Kenny's killing people!

STAN

You bastard!

MICHAEL ROSENBAUM

Let's have a party!

ALICIA WITT

That's a bad idea. There's a killer on the loose. He's wearing one of those L.L. Bean coats.

TARA REID

Well, on this campus, everyone does. See?

She points to other people on campus. They are ALL wearing one of the coats.

ALICIA WITT

I guess... anyone could be the killer.

TARA REID

Except the security guard.

JARED LETO

Ha ha! Yes. While a security guard would normally be a good suspect, her size and ineptitude make it impossible! It's a good thing the director of this cast that role as a fat woman - otherwise the audience might have suspected her and made this movie more interesting.

INT. AN ON-CAMPUS PARTY - NIGHT

A party with HIP MUSIC plays. Every time we come back to this scene, its a different HIP SONG, and they all go on the HIP SOUNDTRACK in the end.

MICHAEL ROSENBAUM

Ok, everyone stay in this room so the killer can get us more easily.

The phone rings.

MICHAEL ROSENBAUM

Hello?

KILLER ON PHONE

Did you ever hear the one about the guy who picked up the phone and then while he was talking, he was killed via a clever urban legend?

MICHAEL ROSENBAUM

Ha ha. Funny joke, Joshua Jackson.

MOVIE SOUNDTRACK

ORCHESTRA HIT!!!

An alligator from the sewer jumps out of a toilet and eats MICHAEL.

INT. RADIO STATION - NIGHT

TARA REID

(on the radio)

...and that's why you need to give him head RIGHT AWAY!

The killer enters through a back door.

KILLER

Did you ever hear the one about the radio-slut-that-should-have-died-early- on-in-the-film-but-didn't-and-will-now- die-as-a-clever-urban-legend?

TARA REID

Yeah, that happened to a girl in my hometown.

KILLER

No shit?

Suddenly, THE GUY WHO WAS HANGING HIMSELF ON THE SET OF "THE WIZARD OF OZ" AND GOT CAUGHT IN THE BACKGROUND OF A SCENE jumps in and jams a rake into TARA'S pea-sized brain. ALICIA WITT sees it all. She runs away, into JARED LETO'S arms.

REBECCA GAYHEART

Hi. I'm here now..hey Alicia. I decided that you can have Jared and..well

(sniffling)

You're my best friend!

ALICIA WITT

(sobbing)

That's so sweet! I just witnessed a murder but that doesn't mean I can't be sappy with my friend. MY BEST FRIEND!!

JARED LETO

What's going on?

REBECCA GAYHEART

Nothing.

REBECCA shoves a stake into JARED LETO'S heart. He's dying.

REBECCA GAYHEART

(completely overacting)

You bitch. You keep stealing my men.

(to audience)

That's my motive, by the way.

(to Alicia, overacting)

And you must die for it. Using clever urban legends, no less! But first, I will have some candy.

She picks up some leftover Halloween candy and eats it. She begins bleeding. She dies.

ALICIA WITT

Har har! You forgot one of the most famous urban legends of all! The razorblades-in-the-halloween-candy legend!

JARED LETO

I'm still alive! Let's go see a movie.

They kiss and go see a movie.

INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY

They are watching a DISNEY movie.

ALADDIN

All good teenagers take of your clothes.

THE LION KING

The word SEX appears in dust!

THE LITTLE MERMAID

There's a penis on my cover!

ALICIA WITT

Oh no.... it's not over yet.

MOVIE SOUNDTRACK

ORCHESTRA HIT!

END

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