The Abridged Script
INT. OMINOUS COLLEGE - NIGHT
Hi, I'm the cute newspaper reporter that the female protagonist will get together with in the end. I used to do the show "My So-Called Life"
I'm the female protagonist. I used to be the daughter on "Cybill"
I'm the jokey, sarcasting guy. I used to be on "The Tom Show" on the WB network.
I'm the practical joker who dies near the beginning of the film. I am in "Dawson's Creek" also on the WB.
I'm the cute, sex-obsessed blonde girl. I played a minor role in "The Big Lebowski"
I'm the best friend. I don't contribute much to the story.. I'm kinda just there...that doesn't mean anything though.. I'm not the killer. Oh, and I used to do Noxema commercials.
Who the hell are these people?
Muahahah! Hi. I am Freddy Kruger. I have the smallest role and I'm the most recognizable actor in this piece of trash.
INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE COLLEGE - NIGHT
ALICIA WITT walks along, the camera's view only sees her. Slowly, a hand sneaks up behind her...
The hand grabs her shoulder. She spins around
It's someone she knows. They share a LAUGH. The AUDIENCE is extremely SCARED.
INT. COLLEGE....SOMEWHERE ELSE - NIGHT
The above scene repeats until DIRECTOR JAMIE BLANKS gets FLOGGED for doing it.
INT. COLLEGE.. STILL - NIGHT
Suddenly, JOSHUA JACKSON'S head explodes in the Urban Legend about the-exploding-head-of-that-jackass-from-that- damn-dawson's- creek-show.
WHOA! That was a really creative death scene! This movie rules!
DIRECTOR JAMIE BLANKS
Ha ha! We picked the most interesting Urban Legends and simply recreated them! This is being passed off as creativity! Har har har!
The KILLER, who wears one of those L.L. Bean coats that covers most of a persons face, stalks and KILLS people.
Oh my God! Kenny's killing people!
Let's have a party!
That's a bad idea. There's a killer on the loose. He's wearing one of those L.L. Bean coats.
Well, on this campus, everyone does. See?
She points to other people on campus. They are ALL wearing one of the coats.
I guess... anyone could be the killer.
Except the security guard.
Ha ha! Yes. While a security guard would normally be a good suspect, her size and ineptitude make it impossible! It's a good thing the director of this cast that role as a fat woman - otherwise the audience might have suspected her and made this movie more interesting.
INT. AN ON-CAMPUS PARTY - NIGHT
A party with HIP MUSIC plays. Every time we come back to this scene, its a different HIP SONG, and they all go on the HIP SOUNDTRACK in the end.
Ok, everyone stay in this room so the killer can get us more easily.
The phone rings.
KILLER ON PHONE
Did you ever hear the one about the guy who picked up the phone and then while he was talking, he was killed via a clever urban legend?
Ha ha. Funny joke, Joshua Jackson.
An alligator from the sewer jumps out of a toilet and eats MICHAEL.
INT. RADIO STATION - NIGHT
(on the radio)
...and that's why you need to give him head RIGHT AWAY!
The killer enters through a back door.
Did you ever hear the one about the radio-slut-that-should-have-died-early- on-in-the-film-but-didn't-and-will-now- die-as-a-clever-urban-legend?
Yeah, that happened to a girl in my hometown.
Suddenly, THE GUY WHO WAS HANGING HIMSELF ON THE SET OF "THE WIZARD OF OZ" AND GOT CAUGHT IN THE BACKGROUND OF A SCENE jumps in and jams a rake into TARA'S pea-sized brain. ALICIA WITT sees it all. She runs away, into JARED LETO'S arms.
Hi. I'm here now..hey Alicia. I decided that you can have Jared and..well
You're my best friend!
That's so sweet! I just witnessed a murder but that doesn't mean I can't be sappy with my friend. MY BEST FRIEND!!
What's going on?
REBECCA shoves a stake into JARED LETO'S heart. He's dying.
You bitch. You keep stealing my men.
That's my motive, by the way.
(to Alicia, overacting)
And you must die for it. Using clever urban legends, no less! But first, I will have some candy.
She picks up some leftover Halloween candy and eats it. She begins bleeding. She dies.
Har har! You forgot one of the most famous urban legends of all! The razorblades-in-the-halloween-candy legend!
I'm still alive! Let's go see a movie.
They kiss and go see a movie.
INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY
They are watching a DISNEY movie.
All good teenagers take of your clothes.
THE LION KING
The word SEX appears in dust!
THE LITTLE MERMAID
There's a penis on my cover!
Oh no.... it's not over yet.