UNDER THE SKIN
The Abridged Script
All is black. A TINY DOT appears. It slowly grows, ever so slowly AAGH NOW IT IS BRIGHT FLARE and there are circles, many circles!
Fshh. Shwwb. Puh. PUH!
Is this thing working? Hello? PUH! PUH!
Grey circles and black circles and white circles come closer and closer and closer together OH HEY IT’S AN EYEBALL, TRIPPY SHIT DUUUDE NOW DO A BURRITO OR SOMETHING
EXT. SCOTTISH ROAD
A GUY on a MOTORCYCLE is going FAST, VERY FAST, almost as fast as the violins on the soundtrack. He finds a DEAD GIRL and throws her in the back of a VAN with a detached coldness that would make ROBERT DURST belch his spleen out in terror.
INT. IMPOSSIBLY LARGE FEATURELESS WHITE SPACE -- INSIDE THE VAN
So wow, this van EASILY has the best cargo room in its class. With us are the DEAD GIRL and NAKED SCARLETT JOHANSSON who is TOTES NAKED LIKE FOR REAL. SCARLETT takes the dead girl’s clothes, and if this is about getting SCARLETT a cheap second-hand outfit maybe just check GOODWILL next time guys?
(in extreme closeup)
LOOK AT MEEEE I'M A BUUUUG
EXT. A CITY IN SCOTLAND
SCARLETT drives the VAN to the MALL and goes in. It has SWATCHES. There are lots of PEOPLE and SCARLETT walks among the PEOPLE and they all have SKIN. SCARLETT does some shopping. She buys some SKIN PRODUCTS which she applies on her SKIN.
SCARLETT drives around looking at MEN. Many many men she looks at. Now there is a crowd from the football game. Too many men! Let's keep looking. There’s one.
BLARF NAGHF AOICH
SCARLETT attempts to pick up guys. Many REFUSE because this is freaky avant-garde scifi shit.
I say, are you a loner with no family or close friends who would like a lift, what?
SCARLETT gives him a lift. They drive but suddenly the guy is gone, replaced with creepy violin noises! Damn but we hate when that happens, then you gotta go to the shop to get the creepy violins fixed and they ALWAYS say you need new brake pads too. So annoying. Moving on! Here’s a new passenger.
INT. SCOTTISH HOUSE
SCARLETT takes our new buddy to a house that inside is ALL BLACK NOTHING BUT BLACK. Between this and the white van, whoever is doing the interior design for SCARLETT has a seriously limited pallette, just saying. SCARLETT begins undressing to the sound of those weird violins. NEW GUY also disrobes but is sinking into the floor!
BLOACH ACH QUICK GRAB ME COCK LASSIE
But GUY and his COCK are swallowed by the floor! SCARLETT retrieves her clothes that are clearly labelled DO NOT SINK INTO BLACK GOOP and therefore didn't.
EXT. BEACH – MORNING
SCARLETT arrives at the beach. Nearby, a few tourists are trying to solve that old logic puzzle where you have to get three people from SHORE to A GRUESOME WATERY GRAVE in the fewest steps possible, and you're only allowed to have ONE PERSON suck at rescuing ONE OTHER PERSON at a time. SCARLETT helps by BASHING ONE DUDE ON THE HEAD WITH A ROCK and then dragging him off. The other two adults get pulled out to sea, leaving a WHINY BABY behind.
Phew, almost forgot something!
MOTORCYCLE GUY takes away a TOWEL and leaves the BABY, presumably because it does not have enough SKIN. The baby cries and cries and SUCKS TO BE YOU BABY
EXT. SCOTTISH TOWN – NIGHT
SCARLETT drives around. With all this driving we KNOW she is going to totally ace her road test on Thursday.
To switch things up, SCARLETT walks a bit and WOMEN! LOTS OF WOMEN! A crowd of women take SCARLETT to a club with FLASHY FLASHY LIGHTS! SCARLETT tries to get out through hallways of RED, SUCH RED, seriously has this country never heard of accent colours.
FLAARG SPLEIIGH NARN
They dance dance dance until whoops we're back in the all-black room! Again, NOW-NAKED GUY sinks into the floor, his eyes locked onto SCARLETT’s lingerie-clad SKIN.
CURRENT NAKED GUY floats in inky goop, and sees ANOTHER floating naked guy who gets POPPED LIKE A FUCKING BALLOON AND IS JUST A LOOSE SKIN SUIT AND THE RED GOOP OF HIS INSIDES GETS SUCKED DOWN A SLUICE AND BRIGHT RED LIGHTS, SO MUCH REEEEEEEEED
CURRENT NAKED GUY
(looking up at ScarJo)
EXT. SCOTTISH TOWN
SCARLETT is still driving because her van gets EIGHT THOUSAND MILES PER GALLON. Combined with the pocket dimension in back, Consumer Reports is gonna need a whole new type of circle-graphic to rate this fucking awesome van.
SCARLETT buys a flower and it cuts her SKIN. BLOOD seeps through. Maybe there's a bandage in the glove compartment, no whoops that's the windshield wipers. Eh, let's just sit and bleed for a week. Now SCARLETT is driving again with yet another new GUY and the SUN RIGHT IN OUR FUCKING EYES AAAGHH QUIT THAT SCARJO
INT. SINKING DEATH COCK HOUSE
NEW GUY walks into the black so-very-black all-black house, so good fucking riddance NEW GUY. SCARLETT puts LIPSTICK on her SKIN.
MOTORCYCLE GUY appears and stands behind SCARLETT. Then he stands next to SCARLETT. Then in front of SCARLETT. This is their own private version of CHATROULETTE or something. SCARLETT leaves.
EXT. BUSY STREET
SCARLETT walks past the SHOPS. She TRIPS and falls FLAT almost damaging her SKIN! People help her up. So many types of people around. Old, young. Men, women. Fat, thin. Tall, short. We have learned about OPPOSITES.
The images begin overlapping! More and more they overlap, and you know how most scenes only use 4% of their orange but SCARLETT unlocks 50% OF THE ORANGE, NOW IT'S 75%, NOW 100% ORANGE EVERYTHING IS ORANGE SCARJO'S FLOATING HEAD IS ORANGE WHYYYYYYYYYY
INT. VAN - NIGHT
SCARLETT keeps driving. She stops. There’s a guy at the window! OH SHIT GUYS ARE ALL OVER THE CAR ROCKING IT AND PUNCHING OH FUCK! HOW CAN WE POSSIBLY GET OUT OF THIS SCARLETT drives away. We stare at her face for a month. She stops and calls over to a GUY IN A HOODIE.
Allo there! Cor blimey I’m lost, sod it all! Tea and crumpets!
GUY IN HOODIE
Uh, sure, I’ll help you.
HOODIE GUY turns out to be ADAM PEARSON who has neurofibromatosis, giving him extra SKIN.
Queen's Bollocks, but you have nice hands. How's about some rumpy-pumpy, govn'or?
Sooooo... this is some reality show where I'm supposed to say "Hey you look just like Scarlett Johansson" and you're all "Nuh-uh" and I'm all "Whut" and then you point out hidden cameras and hardy har har?
Not at all, old chap! I'm a wandering randy bint! Lorries!
SCARLETT busts out the creepy violins so ADAM has no chance now! Sure enough, moments later he’s in the sinky death cock room, sinking away. And over there is an ALIEN, so anyone who bet these guys are VAMPIRES or JAPANESE WATER GHOSTS or SUPER DEVOTED PERFORMANCE ARTISTS are out of luck.
SCARLETT goes downstairs and looks into a mirror. She looks and looks and we look at her. She draws closer to the mirror. Maybe if we get really close it's no longer a mirror, but something more dynamic, active, high-budget. Let's find out. Closer, closer, ever closer HEY AN INSECT, COOL!
Doooon't do it, Scarlett! Set him freeeeee! Heeeeelp hiiiiim!!
SCARLETT sets ADAM loose and takes off! This is not cool with MOTORCYCLE DUDE though, who punches a car window and then stuffs ADAM in the trunk and drives off. A neighbour watches uselessly, wondering if he's still called MOTORCYCLE DUDE when driving a car.
INT. DIFFERENT CAR – DAYTIME
SCARLETT has a pink shirt now while she drives in the countryside. There is FOG! She gets out and stands in the FOG. The FOG makes it hard to see things! We have learned a lot about FOG.
INT. BLACK GOOP PEOPLE-POPPING HOUSE
MOTORCYCLE GUY stares into the mirror. What is it with these guys and mirrors, they seem super vain. Maybe it's some kind of communication thing but hey guess what, we have things lighter and less fragile than giant mirrors called SMARTPHONES, maybe look into that oh super genius advanced race.
Alright Scarlett, I think a five-hour headstart is enough.
SCARLETT has ordered some cake. She cuts a piece with her fork. Lifts it up, ever so slightly. Then lifts it another 38.4 nanometres. Then another half an electron. Then another. Getting this cake to SCARLETT'S mouth is going to take more planning than a fucking NASA launch. Finally it makes it! She tries eating the CAKE but cannot, she must spit it out! CAKE is less fun than FOG.
EXT. HIGHWAY INTERSECTION
Hm, which way did she go. I must use all my unearthly skills and abilities to divine where a rogue alien with a nascent conscience might flee to.
(checks Lonely Planet guide)
SCARLETT is learning how to ride a BUS.
SOCH GLAAGH FLARNPH
QLARPCH MNURGG I spotted you at the bus stop. I seem nice and you can actually make out some of my words BRAAAALLCH
SCARLETT goes with the guy to a convenience store. It has DORITOS. They walk in the pouring rain back to his place. It has a mirror and a TV playing horrible Scottish TV. SCARLETT watches.
After dinner BUS PASSENGER GUY brings up some tea to SCARLETT, puts a space heater in her room, then leaves. The heater makes the room RED, ALL RED!!! SCARLETT is all NAKED and RED! The room is SO VERY VERY RED the heater must be dangerously overpowered and is therefore a huge health and fire hazard. We still have much to learn about RESPONSIBLE HOME OWNERSHIP.
EXT. WINDING ROAD
MOTORCYCLE GUY has picked up the trail of WEIRD VIOLIN MUSIC.
Ooo, you've done it this time, Scarlett! I'm gonna get you soooo good!
EXT. FOREST – NEXT DAY
SCARLETT and NICE SEMI-COHERENT GUY walk through the forest. There's a big puddle! GUY carries SCARLETT across. SCARLETT and GUY explore an old castle. SCARLETT is hesitant to go down the old staircase! But does. GUY leads her further through the cragged ruins, unconcerned with her feeble, infantile steps and impractical footwear.
MOTORCYCLE GUY drives ever onward, gaining fierce momentum.
I swear, Scarlett, you'll regret the time you got on the bad side of... MOTORCYCLE GUY!
SCARLETT'S FACE is in extreme close-up! GUY figures this is a clue to make his move and KISSES her. The violins are back, but different. They approve of this union and make nice music. It's a good thing there are no OBOES present because those assholes are TOTAL COCKBLOCKERS.
INT. BACK AT GUY’S PLACE
GUY undresses SCARLETT. They’re in bed! Things proceed swimmingly UNTIL he tries sliding his bagpipe into her haggis and RUH-ROH!!
The fuck?!? I thought I had a full proper Loch Ness to hide his Monster in!
SCARLETT stares at her crotch with a lamp but to no avail. Guess we'll be moving on now.
SCARLETT flees though the field into a forest. A FORESTRY SOMETHING WORKER GUY is there!
FLAAGH SAACH MORP it’s real quiet and lonely out here, isn't it. Kind of a rapist's dream. Well, bye!
MOTORCYCLE GUY tears through the night like an unholy whirlwind.
...and that will be Part III of my awesome retribution! And THEN, for the coup de grace, I'll make you watch ALL the Marvel movies IN ORDER, back-to-back with absolutely NO interruptions, bwa ha... huh? People are doing that for real and PAYING for it? What the ever-loving fuck is WRONG with this species, I mean if
SCARLETT finds a building! It is a shelter for hill walkers. That’s us! She enters. Falls asleep.
LOOOK AT US, WE'RE TREEEEEES
SCARLETT wakes up to find FORESTRY GUY trying to get his rape on. She runs! Hides. Peeks out, seems OK. We're sure he gave up and went back to his boring forestry job. All clear.
SCARLETT walks quickly away, and finds a LOGGING TRUCK! She gets in. She draws on her millions of hours of van-driving experience to find the ignition, no whoops, that's the horn. Which summons FORESTRAPE GUY!
Must press door-lock button!
(pushes run-back-to-the-forest button)
THIS ain't gonna end well. Better go back to the creepy music.
FORESTRAPE GUY catches SCARLETT and starts tearing off her clothes! Including her pink sweater and her flesh-coloured camisole, no wait, that's SKIN. FORESTRAPE GUY flees in terror!
SCARLETT staggers, falls to her knees. She slides the SKIN off her back and head.
Guess this is farewell, human face. Wait, it's blinking at me, dafuck?!? It still works?
I hope the man-aliens don't figure this out or they will be blowing themselves ALL day long.
Oh hey, FORESTRAPE GUY is back with gasoline and fire. Dangit. SCARLETT'S SKIN is aflame! She runs into a snow-covered field. She attempts to STOP, DROP, AND ROLL but only manages the first two which, sadly, really aren't sufficient.
EXT. DIFFERENT EMPTY FIELD OF ANTI-PAYOFF USELESSNESS
MOTORCYCLE GUY looks around.
Eh, fuck this.
(removes top half of skin)
EXT. SCARJO DEATH FIELD
Black smoke ascends into the white sky. Snow falls on the lens. Haunting violins serenade the departed SCARLETT. We reflect on this tragic tale of the search for identity, meaning, and purpose.
Oh and then the aliens gather enough SKINS that they say fuck it, we can just take over now, and the planet Earth becomes a giant intergalactic SKIN WALMART so we say again SUCKS TO BE YOU BABY.