FADE IN:

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN EUROPE WITH A LOT OF RUSSIANS

PIERCE BROSNAN is trying to get information out of somebody, he is KILLED. PIERCE BROSNAN makes a crack about the sweetness of a close-by ASS, and continues to chase the KILLER by boat, car, jet, skates, skis, mice, trampolines, hoverboard, and flying horse.

BROSNAN, PIERCE BROSNAN

Hello there, why don’t you give up so that I can look like a hero at the beginning of the movie. Damn I’m suave. I will protect you.

KILLER

You cannot protect me from… HIM!

Low trumpets wail.

The KILLER kills herself, and causes PIERCE BROSNAN to suffer a fatal injury, but counters the mortal injury with pure SUAVENESS.

INT. BRITISH MINISTRY

PIERCE BROSNAN walks in and most of the women faint. After they awaken, the ones that PIERCE BROSNAN does not TITILATE and TEASE, he just FUCKS.

EXT. SOMEWHERE WITH RUSSIANS

DENISE RICHARDS is, for no apparent reason, wearing virtually nothing. She has a doctorate in physics or some shit like that, the audience suddenly thinks of ELIZABETH SHUE.

The first bad guy, ROBERT CARLYLE, has a bullet in his brain that depletes him of all of his senses, making him invinsible, until it kills him in an unknown future time. This gives him super abilities and no reason to care if he gets hurt or dies. This is fucking RIDICULOUS, even for BOND flicks.

PIERCE BROSNAN rescues DENISE RICHARDS, they have sex. JAMES BOND then has sex with some other chick, SOPHIE MARCEAU, whom he falls in love with, then kills. Now he is in love with DENISE RICHARDS.

INT. A SUBMARINE WITH MORE BLOODY RUSSIANS

PIERCE BROSNAN kills people.

BROSNAN, PIERCE BROSNAN

Robert, stop, you will blow up the entire planet with that huge amount of plutonium you stole so easily from Russia. Dry martini, shaken, not stirred.

Fifty-year-old women get a stir in their pants.

ROBERT CARLYLE

NO! I love Sophie, I will do anything for her, including destroy the entire world economy so she can get money.

BROSNAN, PIERCE BROSNAN

She’s dead. I killed her. Suavely.

They fight. It is boring. You know he will win. The audience waits for DENISE RICHARDS to get soaked in her white shirt.

DENISE RICHARDS gets soaked in her white shirt. They position the camera perfectly to tease you but never show you shit. Then it ends.

AUDIENCE

Jesus fuck! I sat through two hours of a movie I’ve already seen fifteen fucking times for THAT?

The AUDIENCE LEAVES.

INT. BEDROOM

PIERCE BROSNAN is having SEX with DENISE RICHARDS. He makes a joke about VAGINAL SECRETIONS that makes this BOND flick the most vile and disgusting of them all. The teenagers in the audience close their eyes, a moment later begin spasming, then leave.

END