"You really don't have to imitate Chow Yun-Fat. You've got lots of fans of your own."


"You really don't have to imitate Chow Yun-Fat. You've got lots of fans of your own."

TWIN DRAGONS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. RESTAURANT

JACKIE CHAN BADASS and JACKIE CHAN LOSER sit at tables next to each other and are not aware of the other's presense. The waiter confuses them a lot, because they are twins, which is pretty weird.

JACKIE CHAN BADASS

Excuse me, female I have met. I must go to the bathroom.

JACKIE CHAN LOSER

I, the conductor, must also go to the bathroom, other random female.

INT. BATHROOM

They see each other. They also sometimes walk through each other and blink oddly when standing in front of each other, because Hong Kong had not quite figured out how to do the Van Damme Double Impact thing correctly.

JACKIE CHAN BADASS

Yo, bitchass. I'm a race car driver or something. I wear an earring and have a ponytail.

JACKIE CHAN LOSER

I am a conductor and cannot fight. I look like Jackie usually does.

ANNOYING SHORT GUY

I am the badass' friend or brother or something. I am going to be abducted and saved by the two Jackies.

Each of the JACKIES go somewhere with each others respective RANDOM FEMALES and they do not bother to mention they just found their long-lost twin brother because if they did that, the zany antics would not so quickly ensue.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

JACKIE CHAN

I just wanted to mention that I pride myself on the fact that my movies are not usually very violent and contain very little sexual stuff, so that people of all ages can enjoy my interesting comedy/action style.

JACKIE CHAN BADASS proceeds to grab his crotch, oink, and fuck the brains out of the other JACKIE'S RANDOM FEMALE.

Then the three of them decide to get into a bath tub, and more zany antics occur. Later, JACKIE goes downstairs and people confuse the two. This is all extremely FUNNY, because of all the mistaken identity stuff.

AUDIENCE

(who only found out about Jackie Chan after seeing Rush Hour)

Yo, this ain't funny. There aren't any fights and worst of all, there ain't no Chris Tucker to make bad racial jokes.

JACKIE goes somewhere and the other JACKIE follows.

A PERSON

Holy shit! TWINS?!?!

This person proceeds to FAINT.

ANOTHER PERSON

WHAT THE HELL!? How can there possibly be two?

They FAINT.

ONE OF THE RANDOM FEMALES

I wonder which one has been fucking my brains out.

She FAINTS.

THE OTHER RANDOM FEMALE

I must be seeing double.

She also FAINTS.

EXT. CAR PLANT OR SOMETHING WHERE THERE ARE A LOT OF CARS

ANNOYING SHORT GUY

Help me, Jackie!

JACKIE CHAN BADASS

Ok.

JACKIE CHAN LOSER

Ok.

ANNOYING SHORT GUY

Two of them?

He FAINTS and falls on something which injures him further. He does not DIE, though, despite the AUDIENCE'S pleas.

A huge, elaborate fight scene FINALLY happens. JACKIE CHAN LOSER appears to be fighting some people, but he is referred to by the name of JACKIE CHAN BADASS. The two are in separate rooms and only one can fight. The bad guys pick on JACKIE CHAN LOSER, who is now, for some reason, wearing the earring and ponytail characteristic of JACKIE CHAN BADASS. In the other room, the JACKIE that can fight has the earring and ponytail every few shots and sometimes he does not.

DIRECTOR

I'm just giving up here if you haven't noticed.

JACKIE CHAN BADASS

Wait, which room should I be in?

JACKIE CHAN LOSER

Am I the one with the earring or the prissy one?

DIRECTOR

How the hell should I know?

BAD GUY

Um.. so, which one of you is going to kick my ass?

Something happens in which the BAD GUY is killed by both of the JACKIES.. or just one.. or by two that are both earringed which makes it look like it's just the one except there are somehow two of them but sometimes there aren't and some stuff happens and nobody understands what the fucking hell is happening and even the DIRECTORS and JACKIE are clueless when it comes to anything in the film and it's all confusing and everyone in the AUDIENCE is trying to enjoy the film except it's losing track of its own damned characters which is kind of irritating and detracts from the film and the fight scenes not that it matters since there are so few fight scenes anyway and...

The audience FAINTS.

JACKIE CHAN BADASS

I am Jackie Chan, you'll watch me in anything.

JACKIE grabs his crotch, snorts, and fucks a few more RANDOM ASIAN WOMEN.

END


Discussion