The Abridged Script
ALAN ALDA does a bunch of rich things while elsewhere, BEN STILLER does equivalent things that are not rich.
And now that it's established beyond any doubt that I'm the hero of the piece, we can begin!
BEN STILLER arrives at his BUILDING MANAGER JOB and gathers his STAFF.
Listen up everyone. I've decided to attempt a serious-cool heist movie using goofy, unserious characters, sort of like if Dark Knight had used the characters from Mystery Men. Call it a Heist-Thriller-Social-Issues-Dramedy. And to let everyone know I'm really committed to this, I've been made up to look 75 years old.
I am your richest, evilest tenant, this is a true thing that I know.
Suddenly ALAN ALDA is KIDNAPPED by a SPEEDING VAN! BEN STILLER runs after it going EQUALLY FAST because now it's an ACTION-heist-thriller-social-issues-dramedy. But TEA LEONI and the FBI get to the VAN first and ARREST ALAN!
Sorry Ben, but Alan has done evil rich things, and you and the staff have no money now.
Oh. But you saw how fast I was running, right? I totally have action cred now, right?
BUILDING DOORMAN STEPHEN HENDERSON is waiting for a train.
My life's savings: gone. My pension: wiped out. My future holds only misery and despair. I see no option but to slowly walk to the edge of the subway platform, and jump.
That's so wacky! And also fucking depressing. Depressiwacky?
INT. ALAN ALDA'S TOP-FLOOR SWANKY CONDO
ALAN ALDA and his VINTAGE FERRARI are put under HOUSE ARREST.
I've come to plead on behalf of Stephen Henderson.
Listen, SON, I only have TWO dimensions, namely "Evil" and "Rich". And even if I weren't made entirely of straw, I am such a placeholder non-character that this is my last line of dialogue. So I can't help you.
That's okay, because by "plead" I really meant "vent my rage", and by "behalf of Stephen Henderson" I meant "your stupid fucking car". But the "on" part was accurate.
BEN smashes up ALAN'S FERRARI with a GOLF CLUB, while being VERY CAREFUL to hit it only in the FEW, EXACT SPOTS that won't spoil the BIG TWIST later on. JUDD HIRSH then fires BEN, thus making his ONLY CONTRIBUTION to the movie.
BEN STILLER is drowning his sorrows.
What a rough turn of events. But now I can gain the audience's respect by demonstrating my character's resourcefulness and cunning...
Hey there Ben. Let's get drunk and I'll spill a fuckoad of totally confidential information to you, why the hell not? Oops, I dropped the file folder where I drew up a perfect plan to get back at Alan Alda.
Or that could happen.
INT. BEN'S HOUSE
BEN recruits CASEY AFFLECK, MICHAEL PENA, and MATTHEW BRODERICK.
I know you need me for the ethnicity, but why are they here?
My role is to be in on the plan, then turn evil and go against the plan, then come back on board, and at no point affect the course of events in any way whatsoever.
That's exactly like my role, but I don't do the switching allegiances part.
Hm, I feel we're still missing something.
BEN bails out EDDIE MURPHY and suddenly UNIVERSAL STUDIO'S CHRISTMAS PARTY becomes an INFORMAL PIZZA LUNCH.
(inhaling gigantic stack of money)
Because our horrible boss was horrible to us, we need your help as a streetwise African-American criminal to take horrible revenge. Also we need to make the audience overlook the fact that this is the exact same premise as Horrible Bosses, which came out like two weeks before this did.
Okay. But to prove I can trust you, give me an hour alone with your wallets.
They DO this because they are FUCKING MORONS. Out of pity, EDDIE decides to just steal all their CASH and not their IDENTITIES.
INT. BEN'S HOUSE - THE NEXT DAY
I realized that we forgot to have even a remotely plausible reason how we could steal anything more secure than a Salvation Army kettle, so now one of the hotel employees is a master safecracker.
Man, if this screenplay were any lazier it would be [insert name of hated idle rich celebrity]. So who's playing the magically convenient plot device?
Hi everybody! I just wanted to do something as far removed from "Precious" as possible, apparently both in tone AND quality.
GABOUREY and EDDIE practice some safecracking.
Hey Eddie. Seems that my character's totally hot for your character.
And my character seems into it. So I guess this subplot will appear at least once more ever again?
It DOES NOT.
EXT. HEIST DAY APPARENTLY
BEN gets ALAN and the FBI out of the building by PRANKING the JUDICIAL SYSTEM, which is silly but hey we aren't supposed to be taking this seriously, except wait YES WE ARE.
Get ready, everyone! We're on the verge of launching our thrilling plan!
The EXCITING PLAN commences with showing us the MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE, in its ENTIRETY, in REAL TIME. Then we see some SLOW-MOTION REPLAYS, then a HIGHLIGHTS package, and then an ANDERSON COOPER SPECIAL looking back at how the PARADE reflected the AMERICAN PSYCHE. Then the MOVIE resumes.
Now we use our inside knowledge of the building to get past security. And our inside knowledge is that the entire staff is a bunch of incompetent assclowns, so we can basically walk right in.
Oh no, Eddie has gone rogue! He's going to doublecross us!
That's okay, apparently he had no role in our plan. Like you. And in a few minutes he'll be back on the team to contribute nothing. Like Casey.
GABOUREY knocks out an TRAINED FBI AGENT with COMEDY, then cracks the SAFE.
My purpose has been fulfilled.
(vanishes into thin air)
Oh no, the safe is... EMPTY!!! Who could have expected this besides everybody!
(sucking up vat of studio money through rectum)
Wait a minute, Alan's Ferrari is actually made of solid gold! Which makes it obscenely heavy and all the crazy stunts we have planned impossible, but never mind that.
Hmm. Matthew, you have any experience stealing ultra-rare Ferraris from movie authority figures?
How about we don't go there.
BEN stuffs the ENTIRE 30-TON GOLD CAR up his ASS, then does some CASUAL RAPELLING down the building in case you forgot his CAREER BUILDING-MANAGER CHARACTER also moonlights as JASON STATHAM.
Damnit, the FBI are back, blocking our escape!
So it's REALLY TRULY WHOLLY AND COMPLETELY all over!
Not quite! We can still call in the help of Stephen Henderson even though we've apparently never told him anything about the plan!
So now, what, every staff member with a speaking part is in on the plan. Who were we sneaking past exactly?
STEPHEN HENDERSON distracts the FBI by almost MOWING DOWN THE ENTIRE MACY'S PARADE with a GIANT TRUCK until he is CAUGHT. However since his reveal is WACKY he avoids charges of ATTEMPTED MURDER.
Oh no, the truck is... EMPTY!!! Who could have expected this besides everybody!
BEN and the GANG begin strutting aimlessly around town, but the FBI ARREST everyone using their PSYCHIC POWERS. They check BEN'S ASS but the GOLD CAR is GONE!
Where's the car, dude?
I won't tell you. Meantimes, I found the traditional secret ledger that magically convicts the bad guy of all crimes ever.
(hands over ledger)
I will trade it in exchange for freedom.
But you already gave it to me. I could just leave with it and say fuck you.
It's my version of a brilliant chess move called something something. Except my version is stumbling across damning evidence through blind luck and then giving it to the police before finalizing a deal with them.
Fine, we'll let all your accomplices go, but throw you in jail anyway, just for being so insufferably damned pleased with yourself.
EXT. TOWER ROOF
EDDIE, CASEY, MICHAEL, MATT, and GABBY meet by the ROOFTOP POOL.
Ha ha, we actually hid the car up here, at the bottom of a swimming pool, inside an FBI crime scene, on the roof of an enormous skyscraper. How the fuck we deal with this isn't worth showing, because we're at the end of the movie. Just cue some upbeat music and assume it happens somehow.
Good idea, otherwise we'd have a movie called Tower Heist with an actually successful tower heist in it.
I guess everything's neatly wrapped up. But wait, Matthew and I had a whole other bunch of problems, are we going to deal with those at all?
So your one achievement this whole time was to lock Judd Hirsch in a closet. No wonder it feels like you were barely here.
They MAIL individual parts of the GOLD CAR to all the TOWER STAFF that ALAN FUCKED OVER.
RANDOM STAFF MEMBER
What the fuck is this? A gold crankshaft? Where the hell did this come from and how am I supposed to convert this to useable currency?
The ENTIRE STAFF are CONVICTED of AIDING AND ABETTING A FELONY AFTER THE FACT and all go to JAIL and are MISERABLE for the REST OF THEIR LIVES.
Merry Christmas, everybody!!
Alex W. just so happens to share the exact same genetic code as the patriarch of an alien interstellar corporation, which is invaluable for his daytime sewer maintenance job. He usually watches movies with his wife Barbara, the funniest person he knows and the source of many of his best jokes. If you're only reading this to find the Fourth Clue of Zabador, here it is: MAGNET