Awwwww shit, the double-gangsta-style! Now you know you're fucked, son!


Awwwww shit, the double-gangsta-style! Now you know you're fucked, son!

LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. TOMB-LOOKING THING

ANGELINA shoots stuff.

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

I'm breaking into my own room in my own giant mansion and destroying my own robot. Ten seconds in and already the movie isn't making sense. Stare at my obscenely large breasts to take your mind off it.

AUDIENCE

Yes, those are some big lips.

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Breasts.

AUDIENCE

Right, that's what I said. Lips.

COMICAL GEEK SIDEKICK

Hey Angelina. I wish I were Seth Green.

COMICAL BUTLER SIDEKICK

Good job trashing your place today, Angelina. You have successfully completed the training course. Press start to begin the introduction cut-scene and enter level one.

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Okay. We're going to have a gratuitously suggestive shower scene now.

She gets NAKED, but we don't see anything.

INT. BAD GUY HEADQUARTERS (SECRET STAGE)

BAD GUY

I am bad. I want both sides of this Clock of Ages thing involving time travel. We can only get it by using the key, which Angelina will show me she has.

INT. ANGELINA'S MANSION

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

I will now go try to get the same pieces of the stone triangle, using the key given to me by my real-life dad, Jon Voight.

COMICAL BUTLER SIDEKICK

Isn't it kind of disturbing to be acting in a film where your father in real life plays your dead father in the movie?

COMICAL GEEK SIDEKICK

Dude, she made out with her brother. Why would THAT be disturbing to her?

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Actually I didn't make out with my brother. You see, when I tried to give him a peck, my giant lips began to create a vacuum around his face and I couldn't detach myself.

JON VOIGHT'S GHOST

Hey honey, remember when you and your brother were kids and I had just bought the new mud wrestling pit and you both thought it'd be fun to try it out and then one thing led to another and..

COMICAL GEEK SIDEKICK

Okay, that's enough. Go find the Triforce... er..uh.. Clock of Ages.

JON VOIGHT'S GHOST

Oh right. Angelina, you need to get it first and make sure the bad guys don't use it for evil.

INT. ANCIENT TOMB

The BAD GUYS use many people to break open the front of the tomb. Meanwhile, ANGELINA follows some GIGGLING CHILDREN and finds in the back way. The BAD GUYS are apparently COMPLETE MORONS.

Giant stone statues, which will obviously come to life, line the area. THE BAD GUYS attempt to get the first half of the ARTIFACT. ANGELINA gets it instead!

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

I have the artifact!

BAD GUY

I have the key! We now depend on each other!

COMICAL GEEK SIDEKICK

Wait, actually, her purpose was to merely prevent you from abusing the power. She could just smash her piece and she has fulfilled her father's wishes and won.

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Yes but I'm going to attempt to get the second half as well. My motivations are purely selfish, because I want to abuse the power myself to see my dad. I am willing to put the entire planet in jeopardy so that I can see my dad for a few seconds.

(pause)

This makes me quite a piece of shit as a character doesn't it? I hope the audience doesn't notice.

AUDIENCE

...boobies...boobies..boobies...

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Excellent.

Suddenly, as a result of removing the piece of artifact, a GIANT STONE MONSTER COMES ALIVE.

BAD GUY

I hope she saved her game first.

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

I didn't, but I picked up an extra life outside near the giggling children.

ANGELINA defeats it, places the artifact in her inventory, and leaves.

INT. BATHROOM

Another SHOWER SCENE ENSUES. In this one, ANGELINA is completely NUDE and stands in front of us for a TEN SECOND FULL FRONTAL SHOT. Honest.

INT. STAGE TWO

BAD GUY

To get the artifact in this level, you need to jump all over the spinning arms around that giant ball to get to the inside.

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

That'll be difficult.

AUDIENCE

No it won't! I beat that level in Half Life on my first try. And I'm pretty sure there were electric bolts going all over the place too.

She SUCCEEDS! She then uses the artifact to visit her father!

INT. PAST

ANGELINA walks up to JON VOIGHT.

JON VOIGHT

HOLY SHIT! You grow up to have some huge breasts! Mind if I put my face in between those puppies and shake my head "no" real fast?

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Come on, dad. You know I only let siblings do things like that.

JON VOIGHT

Oh fine. So what's up? What did you want to visit me about?

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Well, there's one thing I was always wondering...

JON VOIGHT

Go ahead, dear..

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Who the fuck did you sleep with to make me? I mean, God damn, to balance out your appearance enough to get mine, she must have been some sort of Goddess.

JON VOIGHT

Do you remember your Aunt Ruth?

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Hmm. I think I've heard enough. I'm going back to my time now and setting things right. Bye dad.

INT. STAGE TWO - FROZEN IN TIME

ANGELINA begins turning around a knife that was thrown by the BAD GUY. She apparently cannot do this without gripping the sharp part as tightly as possible.

BAD GUY

Doesn't that hurt?

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Nah, I do this at home when I get bored. You should see the marks all along my thighs.

BAD GUY

I'd love to. Mind if I raid your tomb while I'm there?

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Right, like I've never heard that one before.

BAD GUY

Sorry. It's just that you're the sexiest person I've ever met that looks like a drug addict.

Time UNFREEZES. The knife hits the BAD GUY. ANGELINA wins!

ELEVATION by U2 plays.

BONO

I just might be the most annoying man on earth.

GAME OVER

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