Some called it the most bloated, cliched, cheesy, blue-tinted film ever; then came Avatar.


Some called it the most bloated, cliched, cheesy, blue-tinted film ever; then came Avatar.

TITANIC

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. SUB

THE SUB is investigating the remains of TITANIC.

BILL PAXTON

Wow, look at that great relic. There must have been thousands of fascinating stories that were cut suddenly short by this tragedy.

JAMES CAMERON

Yeah, but why bother with those when I can heroically cast myself as a young ruffian starring in a contrived romance? I mean, c'mon... "Jack Dawson"? "James Cameron"? Who am I fooling?

EXT. BILL PAXTON'S SHIP

BILL PAXTON

Well, we searched the wreck of the Titanic and all we found were real- life stories.

GLORIA STUART

Maybe I can help you, then. You have been searching for "The Cheese of the Ocean", have you not?

BILL PAXTON

Why yes, yes we have! How did you know?

GLORIA STUART

Help you I will, but explain all I cannot. Resist the Dark Side you must. Hmph, impatient these young ones are. Training them impossible is. Most erotic experiences of life tell them of I will not.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER'S GHOSTLY VOICE

But remember how I started out, as just a lowly bodybuilder who couldn't speak intelligible English. You must have faith in Our Great Director's ability to make people love this tripe.

GLORIA STUART

Very well, I will tell them the overblown story of James Cameron's fantasy life.

SUZY AMIS

Before you begin, can I just establish my character by saying....

JAMES CAMERON

No time! No time! Get on with the story about me! I mean.... the story about "Jack Dawson". Ahem.

CUE: Wimpy James Horner music

As GLORIA STUART begins her story the TITANIC morphs niftily into its glory days of old; GLORIA STUART becomes KATE WINSLET, JAMES CAMERON becomes LEONARDO DICAPRIO, and BILL PAXTON becomes FREDDIE PRINZE JR.

EXT. DOCKS

The TITANIC is readying for launch. CGI PEOPLE bustle about and look FAKE.

CUE: Stirring yet wimpy James Horner music with painfully fake choir voices

KATE WINSLET

Oh my, the Titanic is certainly impressive, isn't it, what.

BYSTANDER CUT FROM FINAL PRINT

Holy fuck, that's one goddamned bigass ship.

BILLY ZANE

What appeals to me is it's so UPPER CLASS. I only appreciate things that are UPPER CLASS. I would, therefore, hate it if it were LOWER CLASS. Isn't it great that we are UPPER CLASS?

KATE WINSLET

I am disillusioned with life despite all my privileges, which will strangely enough endear me to every middle-class teenaged girl in the Western World. If only there were some headstrong young lower-class ruffian in my life, preferably with a name like "Jim Camson" or "Jake Carmon" or "Semaj Noremac"....

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Hello, I'm... "Jack Dawson". I'm LOWER CLASS.

KATE WINSLET

I'm terribly attracted to you, except that I'm.... UPPER CLASS.

SHIP'S CAPTAIN

Excuse me, but every half hour I have to bash all the LOWER CLASS passengers in the kneecap with this granite slab.

He bashes LEONARDO's kneecap. He writhes in pain. All the UPPER CLASS passengers come by and SPIT on his wound, and then set him on FIRE.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Oh if only I weren't.....LOWER CLASS.

EXT. THE FRONT (BOW, STERN, I DUNNO) DECK OF THE TITANIC

KATE WINSLET approaches LEONARDO DICAPRIO and removes the ARMY ANTS set upon him by the UPPER CLASS passengers.

CUE: Wimpy James Horner music recycled from "Braveheart"

KATE WINSLET

I've come to realize that even though you are LOWER CLASS, you are also the embodiment of the director and as such, I should love you.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Now that we are united, no issues of class inequality can possibly hinder us.

F/X: HORRIBLE CRASHING NOISE

SHIP'S CAPTAIN

I'm terribly sorry, but my orders strictly state that if a LOWER CLASS passenger falls in love with an UPPER CLASS passenger, I am to strike the nearest iceberg and kill all aboard.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Damn. And our love remains unconsummated. How tragically romantic...

JAMES CAMERON

(interrupting)

What the hell am I doing? I should at least get myself... I mean "Jack"... laid first. And I wouldn't mind drawing a naked portrait of her either. Hell, it's my movie! Okay, add that in, then back to the iceberg.

EXT. TITANIC

CUE: Wimpy James Horner music

BILLY ZANE

I'm not worried about dying. After all, I've got money and a gun; I'll just bribe and shoot the icy depths of the ocean. That leaves me plenty of time to pursue my personal vendetta.

KATHY BATES

Hey look! I'm Kathy Bates! Wild, huh?

BILLY ZANE begins chasing LEONARDO DICAPRIO about the ship. Suddenly a STRING QUARTET bursts in.

STRING QUARTET

Perhaps it's not too late! Start playing, gents!

They play, and a REALLY EFFECTIVE SCENE breaks out. It is GENUINELY POIGNANT. JAMES CAMERON craftily puts this ONE SCENE on a videotape and mails it to all the members of the ACADEMY.

ACADEMY VOTERS

Wow, what a great scene. Obviously the whole movie is this good and I will vote it for Best Picture.

EXT. BACK TO THE MOVIE

JAMES HORNER

(to STRING QUARTET)

Okay, now the scene's over, so fuck off. I need to ride this film's coattails to an Oscar of my own.

He mows down the STRING QUARTET with his UZI.

CUE: Panicking wimpy James Horner music.

Finally the TITANIC is unable to bear the stress of the cheese that has been heaped on it and SINKS.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Damn, this water's cold. Just look at my CGI breath.

(expires)

Erk...

KATE WINSLET

Jack?... Jack?.... Jack?.... Jack! Jack. Jack? There's a boat, Jack! A boat! Jack, there's a boat! A boat there is, Jack! Boat there Jack is a! Jack!.... Jack?.... Jack?

(pause)

Jack?

CUT TO:

INT. THE PRESENT

BILL PAXTON

So I guess Jack was dead.

GLORIA STUART

Well, shuh. Give the man a cigar.

BILL PAXTON

Don't give me such a hard time. I only get to be in every James Cameron movie because I threatened to tell everybody what an egomaniacal jerk he is.

AUDIENCE

We know.

BILL PAXTON

Ssssh!!

EXT. BILL PAXTON'S SHIP

GLORIA STUART throws a NECKLACE overboard, then DIES.

CELINE DION

Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeear, faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar, whereeeeeeeeeeeeverrrrrr youuuuuuuu aaaaaare...

AUDIENCE

(wincing)

I think the wrong thing got thrown overboard.

JAMES CAMERON

What a great movie!! Wasn't that great??? Aren't I great??? Aren't I just the best fucking director that ever fucking LIVED?? ANSWER ME DAMMIT! PROCLAIM MY GODHOOD!!!! JAM-CAM HAS SPOKEN!!!!! RAAARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!

END


Discussion