The Abridged Script
THE SUB is investigating the remains of TITANIC.
Wow, look at that great relic. There must have been thousands of fascinating stories that were cut suddenly short by this tragedy.
Yeah, but why bother with those when I can heroically cast myself as a young ruffian starring in a contrived romance? I mean, c'mon... "Jack Dawson"? "James Cameron"? Who am I fooling?
EXT. BILL PAXTON'S SHIP
Well, we searched the wreck of the Titanic and all we found were real- life stories.
Maybe I can help you, then. You have been searching for "The Cheese of the Ocean", have you not?
Why yes, yes we have! How did you know?
Help you I will, but explain all I cannot. Resist the Dark Side you must. Hmph, impatient these young ones are. Training them impossible is. Most erotic experiences of life tell them of I will not.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER'S GHOSTLY VOICE
But remember how I started out, as just a lowly bodybuilder who couldn't speak intelligible English. You must have faith in Our Great Director's ability to make people love this tripe.
Very well, I will tell them the overblown story of James Cameron's fantasy life.
Before you begin, can I just establish my character by saying....
No time! No time! Get on with the story about me! I mean.... the story about "Jack Dawson". Ahem.
CUE: Wimpy James Horner music
As GLORIA STUART begins her story the TITANIC morphs niftily into its glory days of old; GLORIA STUART becomes KATE WINSLET, JAMES CAMERON becomes LEONARDO DICAPRIO, and BILL PAXTON becomes FREDDIE PRINZE JR.
The TITANIC is readying for launch. CGI PEOPLE bustle about and look FAKE.
CUE: Stirring yet wimpy James Horner music with painfully fake choir voices
Oh my, the Titanic is certainly impressive, isn't it, what.
BYSTANDER CUT FROM FINAL PRINT
Holy fuck, that's one goddamned bigass ship.
What appeals to me is it's so UPPER CLASS. I only appreciate things that are UPPER CLASS. I would, therefore, hate it if it were LOWER CLASS. Isn't it great that we are UPPER CLASS?
I am disillusioned with life despite all my privileges, which will strangely enough endear me to every middle-class teenaged girl in the Western World. If only there were some headstrong young lower-class ruffian in my life, preferably with a name like "Jim Camson" or "Jake Carmon" or "Semaj Noremac"....
Hello, I'm... "Jack Dawson". I'm LOWER CLASS.
I'm terribly attracted to you, except that I'm.... UPPER CLASS.
Excuse me, but every half hour I have to bash all the LOWER CLASS passengers in the kneecap with this granite slab.
He bashes LEONARDO's kneecap. He writhes in pain. All the UPPER CLASS passengers come by and SPIT on his wound, and then set him on FIRE.
Oh if only I weren't.....LOWER CLASS.
EXT. THE FRONT (BOW, STERN, I DUNNO) DECK OF THE TITANIC
KATE WINSLET approaches LEONARDO DICAPRIO and removes the ARMY ANTS set upon him by the UPPER CLASS passengers.
CUE: Wimpy James Horner music recycled from "Braveheart"
I've come to realize that even though you are LOWER CLASS, you are also the embodiment of the director and as such, I should love you.
Now that we are united, no issues of class inequality can possibly hinder us.
F/X: HORRIBLE CRASHING NOISE
I'm terribly sorry, but my orders strictly state that if a LOWER CLASS passenger falls in love with an UPPER CLASS passenger, I am to strike the nearest iceberg and kill all aboard.
Damn. And our love remains unconsummated. How tragically romantic...
What the hell am I doing? I should at least get myself... I mean "Jack"... laid first. And I wouldn't mind drawing a naked portrait of her either. Hell, it's my movie! Okay, add that in, then back to the iceberg.
CUE: Wimpy James Horner music
I'm not worried about dying. After all, I've got money and a gun; I'll just bribe and shoot the icy depths of the ocean. That leaves me plenty of time to pursue my personal vendetta.
Hey look! I'm Kathy Bates! Wild, huh?
BILLY ZANE begins chasing LEONARDO DICAPRIO about the ship. Suddenly a STRING QUARTET bursts in.
Perhaps it's not too late! Start playing, gents!
They play, and a REALLY EFFECTIVE SCENE breaks out. It is GENUINELY POIGNANT. JAMES CAMERON craftily puts this ONE SCENE on a videotape and mails it to all the members of the ACADEMY.
Wow, what a great scene. Obviously the whole movie is this good and I will vote it for Best Picture.
EXT. BACK TO THE MOVIE
(to STRING QUARTET)
Okay, now the scene's over, so fuck off. I need to ride this film's coattails to an Oscar of my own.
He mows down the STRING QUARTET with his UZI.
CUE: Panicking wimpy James Horner music.
Finally the TITANIC is unable to bear the stress of the cheese that has been heaped on it and SINKS.
Damn, this water's cold. Just look at my CGI breath.
Jack?... Jack?.... Jack?.... Jack! Jack. Jack? There's a boat, Jack! A boat! Jack, there's a boat! A boat there is, Jack! Boat there Jack is a! Jack!.... Jack?.... Jack?
INT. THE PRESENT
So I guess Jack was dead.
Well, shuh. Give the man a cigar.
Don't give me such a hard time. I only get to be in every James Cameron movie because I threatened to tell everybody what an egomaniacal jerk he is.
EXT. BILL PAXTON'S SHIP
GLORIA STUART throws a NECKLACE overboard, then DIES.
Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeear, faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar, whereeeeeeeeeeeeverrrrrr youuuuuuuu aaaaaare...
I think the wrong thing got thrown overboard.
What a great movie!! Wasn't that great??? Aren't I great??? Aren't I just the best fucking director that ever fucking LIVED?? ANSWER ME DAMMIT! PROCLAIM MY GODHOOD!!!! JAM-CAM HAS SPOKEN!!!!! RAAARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!