Star Wars fans continue to voice their hatred for Rian Johnson and Kathleen Kennedy in billboard form.


Star Wars fans continue to voice their hatred for Rian Johnson and Kathleen Kennedy in billboard form.

THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. EBBING, MISSOURI

Ex-daughter-haver FRANCES MCDORMAND angrily drives down the road and notices 3 unused billboards, ANGRILY.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

(broods)

INT. ADVERTISING OFFICE

FRANCES MCDORMAND

I’d like to rent them there billboards out for the whole year.

CALEB LANDRY JONES

Sure. What do you want them to say?

FRANCES MCDORMAND

That “Sheriff Woody Harrelson is a low life cunt fuck piece of dog shit.”

CALEB LANDRY JONES

They can’t say that ma’am.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

Well what about “Sheriff Woody Harrelson is a dickless butt snorkeler who likes cat nuts in his mouth.”

CALEB LANDRY JONES

They can’t say that either, ma’am.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

Oh. Well how about “Why hasn’t Sheriff Woody Harrelson caught the motherfucker who raped and murdered my daughter?”

CALEB LANDRY JONES

Change “motherfucker” to “man” and you’ve got a deal.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

Oh all right. Fucking PC police over here.

EXT. THE THREE BILLBOARDS IN THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE, MISSOURI

OFFICER RACIST SAM ROCKWELL is looking for some minorities to harass and stumbles upon a BLACK and a MEXICAN who are putting up FRANCES’S BILLBOARDS.

SAM ROCKWELL

Hey wetback! Taco burrito enchilada! See I’m speaking your language, now tell me what’s the deal with this billboard?

MEXICAN GUY

No comprende homes.

SAM ROCKWELL

Hey nigger! Oh, excuse me, “nigga”, lest I fail to be politically correct. What’s with these billboards calling out my idol Sheriff Harrelson for not solving the brutal rape and murder of Frances’s daughter?

BLACK GUY

(gives Sam The Finger)

SAM ROCKWELL

Despite my reputation for beating up innocent black folks I’ve decided to make this “Give a Nigger a Break Day” and not retaliate against you.

BLACK GUY

That doesn’t redeem you, Sam. Racists can never be redeemed.

SAM ROCKWELL

Sure they can. They even get awards for it.

EXT. FRANCES MCDORMAND’S HOUSE

FRANCES sits on a swing where her innocent baby girl KATHRYN NEWTON used to play before, you know, all the RAPE and MURDER she got.

SHERIFF WOODY HARRELSON approaches.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

(scowls)

WOODY HARRELSON

Frances, please, cut me some slack. I did everything I could to catch your daughter’s killer. This isn’t CSI where murders are solved in 60 minutes plus commercials. Sometimes crimes just go unsolved.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

Wow, you actually seem like a nice cop doing his job and not the lazy callous prick I assumed you’d be.

WOODY HARRELSON

Great. Soooo, you’re taking down those billboards then?

FRANCES MCDORMAND

(gives Woody the Stink Eye with extra Stink)

WOODY HARRELSON

Oh come on Frances! I’ve got cancer! I’m dying! NOW will you take them down?

FRANCES MCDORMAND

I knew you had cancer and I put them up anyway because I am a mean heartless cunt.

WOODY HARRELSON

Jesus, I’m not sure who’s more unlikeable at this point, you or Sam. At least Sam has mild retardation as an excuse.

INT. SAM ROCKWELL’S MOM’S HOUSE

SAM still lives at home with his mother SANDY MARTIN like the socially inept basement dweller that he is.

SANDY MARTIN

Hey boy, you bust up some niggers and spics today or what?

SAM ROCKWELL

Waitwaitwait-- I get my disgusting racism FROM YOU?! That means it’s not my fault! That means I can change!

SAM is now somehow NOT the least likeable character in this movie despite being an OPENLY RACIST COP.

Meanwhile FRANCES kicks some puppies in the head on her way to drilling a hole in the local dentist’s thumb and telling her priest to go shove his head up Mary’s virgin ass.

WOODY HARRELSON

Well Frances the priest forgave you but the dentist didn’t so he’s pressing charges. I have to bring you in.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

It’s his word against mine. An accusation of assault doesn't automatically make me guilty.

WOODY HARRELSON

It doesn't? Well I hope you don't decide to murder a guy later on based purely on an accusation. Besides this is late 2017 Frances, we take reports of assault VERY seriously now, unlike the entire span of existence BEFORE late 2017 of not giving a shit.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

But you don’t even have my DNA! Unlike the guy who killed and raped my daughter whose DNA you have a shit-ton of!

WOODY HARRELSON

Hey that's right! I suppose I can sit here and politely threaten to use this assault charge to tie you up in court so you can’t afford to keep those billboards up, or I can puke blood all over you BLAAAAAAAAARGG

WOODY recreates a scene from The Exorcist and PROJECTILE VOMITS BLOOD all over FRANCES.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

Great, now I have to stop being a mean old lady for five minutes to show you some compassion.

WOODY HARRELSON

This might be a good time to have some scenes with your son Lucas Hedges.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

I HAVE A SON?!

LUCAS HEDGES

Yes mom! I guess you don’t care about your kids until they get raped and murdered.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

Oh stop whining like a little bitch you fucking mama’s boy. I’ll have you know I was a nice, kind, decent woman before my daughter Kathryn was taken from me. I’ll prove it in this flashback!

INT. FRANCES MCDORMAND’S HOUSE - PRE-RAPE AND MURDER OF HER DAUGHTER

FRANCES and her daughter KATHRYN NEWTON are ARGUING.

KATHRYN NEWTON

Let me borrow the car so I can go partying you mean old bitch!

FRANCES MCDORMAND

Hey don’t call me old you little whore! Why don’t you just walk to your stupid party instead?

KATHRYN NEWTON

(actual line)

I will walk! And I hope I get raped on the way!

FRANCES MCDORMAND

(actual line)

Yeah well I hope you get raped too!!!

Their words morph into FISTS of HAM and being CLOBBERING the AUDIENCE.

INT. FRANCES MCDORMAND’S HOUSE - POST-RAPE AND MURDER OF HER DAUGHTER

FRANCES is visited by her ex-husband JOHN HAWKES and his barely legal girlfriend SAMARA WEAVING who has the mental maturity of a Keurig.

JOHN HAWKES

Frances, our daughter is dead because of you. My philandering and physical abuse of you had nothing to do with it.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

Isn’t it past your girlfriend’s curfew? This is a school night after all.

JOHN’S GIRLFRIEND

Actually I manage to be quirky and endearing despite having barely two lines of dialog--

FRANCES MCDORMAND

Shut your cunt whore mouth.

INT. HOSPITAL

WOODY is being treated for his TERMINAL CANCER.

WOODY HARRELSON

Wait how do you treat terminal cancer?

DOCTOR

Uh... you don’t. You’re doomed. Your wife and daughters will be forced to watch as you slowly wither away and die over the next few months.

WOODY HARRELSON

Damn that doesn’t give me much time to find Frances’s daughter’s killer! Or instead I could hang out with my kids and give my wife Abbie Cornish my Woody one last time before shooting myself in the face.

He DOES THIS. FRANCES presumably pisses in his gunshot wound.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

Great, now everyone hates me because they think I drove their beloved Sheriff Harrelson to suicide.

SAM ROCKWELL

(blubbering)

WHYYYY!!?!?! Woody was taken from us too soon! I blame those fucking billboards!!! Instead of, you know, the cancer. I’m sure the cancer was just minding its own business when those billboards rolled by in a bandana and hoodie and shot Woody!

SAM works through his grief by becoming a better police officer and controlling his racism and HAHA JUST KIDDING HE BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF CALAB and THROWS HIM OUT A WINDOW!

SAM ROCKWELL

Thankfully Caleb’s white so the liberal media won’t cover this illegal as shit police beating. In fact I won’t even get so much as a slap on the wrist for this despite multiple witnesses!

CLARKE PETERS

Including me!

SAM ROCKWELL

Who the hell are you, darkie?

CLARKE PETERS

Your new boss. And in the words of our stable genius in chief, YOU’RE FIRED!

SAM ROCKWELL

What? Why? Because I nearly killed Caleb and palm-punched his secretary in the face like a 90s direct to video action star?

CLARKE PETERS

Uh, yes. All those things. Especially the palm-punch.

SAM is SHIT-CANNED.

INT. FRANCES MCDORMAND’S NICK NACK SHOP

FRANCES MCDORMAND

Phew! Sam’s back to being a prick so that makes me look like not as big of a prick anymore! I even had a heart to heart with Bambi’s mom and got harassed by a creepy potential daughter-murderer to make me eeeever so slightly more sympathetic again!

ABBIE CORNISH

Well as Woody’s widow I’m here to climb a tall ladder and pull down my pants and take a massive shit on your head for forcing my husband to Kurt Cobain himself because of those billboards.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

Are you sure it wasn’t because of all that cancer he had?

ABBIE CORNISH

No, cancer had an alibi. It was definitely your billboards. Now allow me to have an emotional heartfelt scene to make up for some truly cringe worthy lines I had earlier about how nice Woody’s woody was.

EXT. THE THREE BILLBOARDS, MISSOURI

FRANCES finds the billboards ON FIRE!!!

FRANCES MCDORMAND

Oh no! Good thing I have a fire extinguisher in my car, like most people do! Maybe it’s a Missouri thing? WHO DID THIS?!!?

CLARKE PETERS

It was probably Sam. Did you notice he has almost the exact same haircut as his mom? What grown man does that? Well on the bright side this means audience sympathy is back in your favor!

FRANCES MCDORMAND

SOMEONE WILL BURN FOR THIS EVEN IF IT’S NOT THE RIGHT PERSON!!!!!!!

CLARKE PETERS

Damn, these crackers are crazy! By which I mean these delicious Triscuits I'm eating! But also these white folks too. Crazy as cat shit.

EXT. POLICE STATION

SAM arrives after hours when no one is around to pick up a letter WOODY left for him.

SAM ROCKWELL

But first let me put on the world’s most powerful noise cancelling headphones, because reading a dead friend’s farewell letter while listening to Shakira with the volume turned up to 11 is a totally normal human thing to do.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

Dracarys!

FRANCES lobs molatov cocktails at the police station setting it ABLAZE!!

SAM ROCKWELL

(not noticing the flames closing in all around him)

This is fine.

The FLAMES are practically tickling his balls before he notices them and leaps through the fire while saving FRANCES’S DAUGHTER’S CASE FILE, totally REDEEMING HIM!

SAM ROCKWELL

(is Wade Wilson’d)

FRANCES MCDORMAND

Fuck! He’s more sympathetic than me again! GOD DAMNITTT!!! What am I doing wrong?!?!

CLARKE PETERS

Alright who blew up the police station? Frances was it you?

FRANCES MCDORMAND

No. I have an alibi. I was with Peter Dinklage. He has a small role in this film. VERY small.

(pause)

Because he’s little.

PETER DINKLAGE

Wait, so I lied to keep you out of jail out of the goodness of my heart and helped to put your billboards back up and you’re STILL treating me like shit? Are you sure your daughter didn’t get herself murdered just to get away from you?

JOHN HAWKES

BTW, I burned down the billboards not Sam.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

I forgive you.

(subsists on renewed audience sympathies)

Whoohoo! I’m back in this!

But she never formally apologizes to PETER who is a national treasure, so... NEGATIVE 100 SYMPATHY POINTS!!!

FRANCES MCDORMAND

OH SON OF A BITCH!!!

INT. SLEAZY BAR

SAM overhears a couple of HICKS having a vague conversation about a possible sexual assault one of the guys may have committed who could have possibly been FRANCES’S DAUGHTER.

SAM ROCKWELL

Jackpot! I’ve randomly stumbled across the rapist/murderer in the plot convenience of all plot conveniences! I am truly a master detective! Now, I just need to get this guy’s DNA somehow!

He lets the HICKS curbstomp his ass resulting in possible brain, nerve, and organ damage probably. But he gets the DNA!

SAM ROCKWELL

Yes! I’ll most likely suffer years of chronic debilitating pain but that ass beating is going to be so worth it though! Truly! Did you hear that Frances?! I did good!

FRANCES MCDORMAND

(scowls)

SAM ROCKWELL

What? What’s wrong? I redeemed myself by finding your daughter’s killer!

FRANCES MCDORMAND

And thereby being so much more likeable than me that I can’t possibly catch up now! I look like the biggest prolapsed asshole on the planet compared to you! I’m like a human Emoji Movie and Logan Paul combined!

CLARKE PETERS

And it turns out that hick wasn’t the guy! I guess Sam got that ass kicking for nothing! Sucks to be you honkey!

(moonwalks out of the scene)

Upon hearing this news, FRANCES summons all her acting powers to emote rage, sadness, pain, and regret all in an instant.

AUDIENCE SYMPATHY FOR FRANCES

Aaaaaaand we’re back!

SAM ROCKWELL

Great job Frances! Now let’s completely ruin both of our characters by plotting to go murder that guy who totally DID NOT kill your daughter!

FRANCES MCDORMAND

But... Why? He was exonerated. Sure he said some shitty things, but if we killed everyone who bragged about a questionable sexual encounter in a bar the human race would be extinct.

SAM ROCKWELL

But I’m sure he’s a rapist! Just like I was sure he was the murderer! Besides he’s a hetero white male, aren’t they all guilty of something?

FRANCES MCDORMAND

Good point. Let’s go do murder. Oh, by the way, I’m the one who turned your face into skin pizza.

SAM ROCKWELL

I know, and I forgive you, just like I was forgiven for being a comeuppance-free racist asshole cop by receiving an Oscar. Everyone is forgiven! So are we really going to go kill this innocent guy?

FRANCES MCDORMAND

Does anyone really care at this point?

NO, because NO ONE CARES ABOUT SHITTY MOODY UNLIKEABLE ASSHOLES.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

Really? I guess that’s why the critics love this movie while audiences are clamoring for its public stoning.

SAM ROCKWELL

If only you had fucked a fish monster.

END

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