The Abridged Script
EXT. ASGARD - TILTED
ANTHONY HOPKINS is talking to his sons, CHRIS HEMSWORTH and TOM HIDDLESTON.
...and that's the story of how I drove the frost giants away from planet Earth. Naturally, the humans thought I was a god and worshipped me, which is how they got Norse mythology.
Cool story, bro! Dude, I totally want to be king so I can kill a fuckton of CGI dudes too! Let's pound some brewskis!
Wait a second, if Norse mythology is based on a war you fought before we were born, why do they know anything about us? Hell, they call me Loki, the "god of mischief," but you don't even know I'm evil yet.
Exactly. Wait, what? Sorry, I was busy watching your brother, my eldest son. Truly he shall make a fine king.
Hey, can you bros make sure my collar stays popped while I tap this keg?
CHRIS overhears a FROST GIANT call him a homosexual and instantly loses it.
The fuck you say, icehole? Come at me, bro! You're dead, I watch MMA every week!
CHRIS and the FROST GIANTS have an EXTREMELY DARK FIGHT that is basically PITCH BLACK once everyone puts their 3D GLASSES on.
Chris, you have endangered all of Asgard. Your father wants to see you, report to his overacting station immediately.
Whoa whoa whoa, hold the phone bro. They cast a black actor to play a white character from a comic book that nobody reads based on a religion that nobody believes? I haven't been offended by anything in hours, so this totally offends me!
Chris, you are arrogant and hot-headed! I shall cast you out to Earth! Furthermore, I shall take away your hammer, Mjolnir, which I will also send to Earth for some reason!
EXT. EARTH - TILTED
CHRIS gets RUN OVER by NATALIE PORTMAN, STELLAN SKARSGARD, and KAT DENNINGS.
Not cool, brah!
I hit Kirk's dad, I'm so sorry! I'm a plotdevicologist, so I would love to know more about how you got here.
I'm also a scientist of some kind. I'm here so Natalie has someone to say sciencey stuff to. Wormholes Einstein spacetime.
And I'm only here because if it were just the two of them, the audience would think they were dating, which is gross. Also, I'm aware of Facebook, which is a web site that Kenneth Branagh just heard about.
Weak, brah. My powers are gone. I demand more of these things you call Pop-Tarts, brought to you Kellogs!
I'm sorry, is this a 2011 superhero action movie or a fucking 80's fish-out-of-water comedy? Did Branagh just watch Hercules in New York? Did he pick up an issue of Thor and say "needs more Encino Man"?
Suddenly, CHRIS overhears some REDNECKS.
Shore 'nuff ain't nobody able to lift that hammer what landed in the desert I reckon.
I know! I tied it to my truck and it tore the bed clean off, destroying my flag celebrating a confederacy that wanted to secede from the country I love, my decal of a cartoon character urinating on the logo of a company whose products I don't purchase, and my rubber cast of male genitalia!
That's my hammer, Myole-nurre. Let's just move past that pronunciation and go get it. I promise I'll fill in backstory on the drive over.
NATALIE drives CHRIS to the MILITARY INSTALLATION SURROUNDING THE HAMMER.
Alright so explain that rainbow bridge you took, and tell me why I saw a green shell bouncing around on it.
You'll see soon enough.
Scumbag Thor. Promises answers. Tells me to watch the rest of the movie instead.
CHRIS breaks into the COMPOUND and fights a bunch of dudes while JEREMY RENNER makes all the NERDS spooge in their UNDEROOS by briefly touching A BOW. CLARK GREGG reprises his role as "The Guy In All Of These Fucking Movies That Isn't Sam Jackson."
CHRIS fails to lift the HAMMER. His brother, TOM HIDDLESTON visits.
Heyyyy brother. Just so you know, Dad is in a coma so I'm king now and I'm actually a frost giant even though that has no bearing on anything at all.
What the eff? You can't be a frost giant, I love you, no homo!
Yeah, and I'm actually your natural nemesis. Of course, since you're strong and dumb, I should be smart but weak, but mostly I'm just slimey. Also, did you know Mom is Rene Russo? Rene Russo out of fucking nowhere.
TOM sends some REJECTED TRANSFORMERS CONCEPT ART to destroy Earth.
Help us, Chris! I believe in your magic! After all, magic and science are basically the same thing according to a science fiction author, and science fiction is just the precursor to science fact!
Ow! Shit, I think I actually felt my ability to take you seriously as an astrophysicist die in a single instant.
I don't have any cool powers, but I'll totally kick this gay robot's ass anyway!
You were cast out for a cocky overwillingness to fight an ice giant, now you're displaying a cocky overwillingness to fight a robot giant. Truly you've changed. Redemption unlocked, you can have your hammer back.
Sweet! Just when the movie is almost over is a great time to give the main character back his powers, weapon, and costume. I'm posting this on YouTube, which is another web site people know about!
CHRIS gets his STUFF BACK and prepares to fight THE METAL FIRE FACE THING.
Wait a second. I remember flipping past Thor comics to get to the Spidermans and X-Mens. Didn't Thor have a helmet?
Yeah, but the helmet made me look kind of ridiculous so we scrapped it, bro.
Oh yeah, that helmet really would have pushed your costume over the edge. Glad you went with the subtle approach instead.
CHRIS hammers the FUCK out of THE ROBOT, hammers the FUCK out of some FROST GIANTS, hammers the FUCK out of TOM HIDDLESTON, and hammers the FUCK out of the RAINBOW BRIDGE.
EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE A NAIL!
You have destroyed the bridge. I won't be able to rebuild it until around May 4, 2012.
Don't worry son, we'll get you back to Earth so you can see Natalie Portman again. If there's one thing an audience wants in their hulky Norse gods, it's to see them be completely pussy-whipped.
Cool. Now it's just one more movie before we have all of the pieces to assemble the trailer for the likely on-screen abortion that will be The Avengers.