"Go ahead, I dare you. Call me Maleficent ONE MORE FRIKKIN TIME."


"Go ahead, I dare you. Call me Maleficent ONE MORE FRIKKIN TIME."

THOR: RAGNAROK

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. HELL CAVE OF SPARKLY 3-D EMBERS

CHAINED-UP CHRIS HEMSWORTH is being taunted by FIRE DEMON CLANCY BROWN.

FIRE DEMON CLANCY BROWN

Bwah ha ha! Once I place my Crown in the Eternal Flame I shall grow enormous and invincible, and destroy Asgard!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Well thanks for explaining your entire plan instead of just killing me and wow we did that cliche totes straight, huh. Anyhoo, verily!

(breaks free)

FIRE DEMON CLANCY BROWN

Don't worry, that's pretty much the LAST thing we play totally straight in this whole movie.

(sucks finger)

(puts finger on ass and makes "ttssh" sound)

Now fight!

CHRIS uses LOTS OF COOL HAMMER TRICKS to FRAG CLANCY and get his CROWN! Then he uses EVEN MORE HAMMER TRICKS to defeat TONS O' DEMONS and STILL EVEN MORE HAMMER TRICKS to fend off a GIANT DRAGON until--

INT. BIFROST CONTROL ROOM

--CHRIS is brought back to ASGARD!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(exhales)

That was close. Lucky I had my trusty Mjolnir! I'm sure that barrage of hammer stunts was only a portent of EVEN MORE to come, we weren't giving it a last hurrah or anything!

KARL URBAN

You didn't see the trailer, did you.

(shrugs)

Sorry I was a bit late with the Bifrost, I was busy trying to impress some dames. I figured that randomly salvaged crap piled in a corner would be WAY more exciting than plunging a giant sword deep into the control slot, to unleash a huge pulsing beam of throbbing energy. You understand.

EXT. ASGARD - ROYAL OUTDOOR THEATRE

CHRIS arrives triumphantly toting CLANCY'S CROWN.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Everyone relax, this won't be combined with the Eternal Flame, which would destroy all Asgard! Now if somebody could store it about six feet away from the Eternal Flame, keeping both items ON ASGARD ITSELF if you please, that'd be awesome. It's so badass that a random clumsy accident could instantly fuck our whole planet dead.

CHRIS finds ANTHONY HOPKINS watching a play depicting scenes from THOR: THE DARK WORLD, like people are gonna fall over themselves for a chance to see THAT again.

LOKI MATT DAMON

(stage-dying)

Yes... it's me! But using a silly voice and with a wig and filmed from an odd angle so it's easy to not recognize me at all!

(winks, smiles)

ODIN SAM NEILL

Whereas I am somewhat more recognizable! And I did a fine Merlin, fuck you very much.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Oh my, Chris has returned, just in time for our Tom Hiddleston Fan Club meeting. This week's topic is Tom Hiddleston: God or Legend, care to join us?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Waaaaait a sec. I sense that this so-called Hopkins is in fact... Tom Hiddleston!

TOM HIDDLESTON

(revealing himself)

OH MY GOD FUCKING FINALLY!! I started subtle, I swear. Dropped little hints, got small details wrong. Then after a month I'm saying shit like "Should I sing this Schubert art-song in a high key or a LOW KEY" and STILL fucking nobody is clueing in, so finally I'm like "fuck it" and building giant golden Loki statues and commissioning plays on how Loki is so fucking awesome and prancing around whoring and drinking and EVEN THEN, I SHIT YOU NOT, these assholes are all DERP DEE DERP DEE DERP GORSH ODIN SURE IS BEING MISCHIEVOUS EVER SINCE LOKI THE GOD OF MISCHIEF AND ILLUSION DIED, WOW THAT'S A WHOLE LOTTA MISCHIEF FOR THAT ODIN THERE I TELLS YA, DORP DEE DORP DEE DORP, HOW DID YOU FUCKING MORONS EVER CONQUER WIPING YOUR OWN ASS NEVER MIND NINE FUCKING REALMS

(wrecks theatre)

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(blinks)

Wow... I was gonna kick the shit out of you but it sounds like you've suffered enough. Take me to the real Hopkins and we're good.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

CHRIS and TOM are outside a REST HOME being DEMOLISHED.

RANDOM PASSERS-BY

(taking selfie)

OMG Thor! We're sorry Natalie Portman dumped you!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Odd, nobody else is.

TOM HIDDLESTON

I don't understand why Hopkins is gone, the next plot point is his poignant death. If he'd just been here we could have got on with the story, so why would...

(realizes)

...oh shit there's gonna be a...

(sucked into portal)

...EXTRAAANEOUUUS CAAMMEEOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo

INT. SANCTUM SANCTORUM

CHRIS sits across from BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Thanks for not teleporting me like you did Tom, but instead leaving a business card so I could walk all the way over here and waste precious time. What with my Dad about to die and all.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Oh you want more teleportation gags? Hold my beer.

(waves hand)

Suddenly CHRIS has a HUGE GLASS OF BEER! He DRINKS most of it and it IMMEDIATELY REFILLS itself!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Erm... this is NEW beer right? You didn't just teleport the same beer out of my stomach...

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

HA HA HA no no, nothing from your, ah, stomach. Look, just pretend it's Bud Light and you'll be fine. Now off we go!

They TELEPORT ALL OVER THE GODDAMN SANCTORUM and finally DON'T.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Hopkins is in Norway but didn't want to be disturbed. Even though he knows about the imminent arrival of a supremely powerful evil being, he was willing to hinge the fate of all Asgard on whether you gave enough of a shit to visit now and then.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Right, give me a moment to summon my hammer ALL THE WAY THROUGH YOUR ENTIRE HOUSE, gosh it's a shame you couldn't teleport it here, or us there, or--

(poof!)

EXT. NORWAY

CHRIS and TOM appear in NORWAY and find HOPKINS in a big open field by a cliff.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

I am dying, my sons. Alas, my life-force is all that has prevented the naughty evil of Cate Blanchett from sauntering wickedly into this dimension.

TOM HIDDLESTON

So, um, sorry about the spells and stealing your identity and all that?

(smiles, winks)

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Oh, you.

(musses Tom's hair)

Look around, boys. This could be home. This, right here. The same patch of Earth that embraced our mythology in the first place. Please tell me you're fucking listening? Whatevs.

(turns to sparkles)

(has space funeral)

With HOPKINS dead, a dark portal opens and CATE BLANCHETT struts alluringly from it!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

I may know dozens and dozens of sneaky hammer tricks but let's start things off with a good old THROWING IT DIRECTLY AT HER

(Cate grabs hammer, smashes it)

Well crap.

CATE BLANCHETT

Bwah ha ha, it is I, Hela, Goddess of Sexy Death, Ruler of the Nether Regions! None shall withstand my slinky vengeance!

TOM summons the BIFROST sucking ALL THREE of them towards ASGARD! But CATE whomps both TOM and CHRIS out of the transport beam, continuing alone to--

INT. BIFROST CONTROL ROOM

Recurring fan favourites RAY STEVENSON and ZACHARY LEwhoops they're dead.

KARL URBAN

Not me though! I'm, ah, just the janitor? Hence my custodial-issue full battle armour.

CATE BLANCHETT

Splendid, the final element I need to achieve my goals, a near-useless cowardly underling! Join me and I shall have somebody to deliver my expository dialogue towards! There's rather a lot.

EXT. VAST SPRAWLING JUNKYARD

CHRIS plummets into a heap of DISGUSTING MUCK full of FILTH and SHIT.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Could be worse, could have landed in the Inhumans show...

(shudders)

A group of SCAVENGERS capture CHRIS with a ZAPPY ENERGY THING! Luckily DRUNK TESSA THOMPSON arrives and MURDERS the SCAVENGERS... only to RECAPTURE CHRIS with ANOTHER ZAPPY ENERGY THING!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(being zapped)

ARRRGH, WHY IS THE GOD OF LIGHTNING SO VULNERABLE TO ELECTRICITY ATTACKS ANYWAAAAAYY

EXT. ASGARD

Meanwhile, CATE seductively threatens the PALACE ASGUARDS with sultry talk of endless, total domination. Of planets. But the ASGUARDS are unmoved, and CHARGE!

CATE BLANCHETT

I suppose we must further establish how ridiculously overpowered I am... Look, I shoot infinite swords and blades! I can take being stabbed right through the gut no problem! I can wear this elaborate antler helmet without it snagging on anything, or anyone trying to pull me down by grabbing it!

(obliterates Asguards)

TADANOBU ASANO

You haven't won yet Cate. Hey, I got lines! That's at least better than Ray or Za

(dead)

KARL URBAN

Are you sure we shouldn't have brought the Bifrost sword with us, since it's crucial to your plan and everything?

CATE BLANCHETT

Oh I'm sure it'll be fine left completely unguarded. To the palace!

IDRIS ELBA

(stealing Bifrost sword)

Yoink!

BLAKE SHELTON

(stealing Sexiest Man Alive trophy)

Yoink!

IDRIS ELBA

(blinks)

What the f

Back at the PALACE, CATE strides sensually into the THRONE ROOM as KARL waddles after her like some kind of DEATH PENGUIN.

CATE BLANCHETT

All these paintings are bullshit! There USED to be paintings of me and Hopkins conquering and killing and generally being cosmic-sized assholes.

KARL URBAN

But they got painted over?

CATE BLANCHETT

You'd think so but instead they put an ENTIRE LAYER OF STONE over the originals and painted over THAT. There's a whole family history with Hopkins's Dad not knowing how to hide shit, so Hopkins overcompensated... anyway it's all in the Dark World script.

They go downstairs to the BACK-BURNERED PLOT DEVICE ROOM that holds the CLANCY BROWN CROWN and the TESSERACT and the ETERNAL FLAME and KAT DENNINGS. Beneath THAT, CATE reveals a TOMB full of DEAD WARRIORS and a DEAD GIANT WOLF that she revives, FOXILY!

CATE BLANCHETT

Yes, these undead brittle skeleton warriors are MUCH better than if I revived the muscle-and-flesh-having dead warriors I just created upstairs. Bwah ha ha ha!!

INT. JEFF GOLDBLUM'S WILLY WONKA PLANET

Meanwhile, captured CHRIS is brought before JEFF GOLDBLUM playing beloved Marvel character OUTERSPACE DOWN-TO-FUCK MAN.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Greetings! You're gonna fight my Champion for my planet's amusement. Tom's here too, but HE crashed in the nice part of town and smiled and winked, so he's an honoured guest.

GOLDBLUM throws CHRIS into the GLADIATOR HOLDING DONUT where he meets fellow gladiator and DIRECTOR of the film, CGI TAIKA WAITITI!

CGI TAIKA WAITITI

Hello I'm Korg? And these are fellow gladiators Roland, Moog, and Casio? I'm made entirely out of prog-rock?

Suddenly HOLOLOKI appears!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Fuck off Tom. I'm still angry with you about causing Dad's death.

TOM HIDDLESTON

As long as you're over me causing Mom's death! I mean, it WAS a whole movie ago. But I have a plan that'll save us in a few months, so if you don't mind killing a bunch of innocent prisoners in the meantime...?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Fuck that! We don't have time to waste just spinning our wheels, this isn't Netflix.

CHRIS gets taken to the BACKSTAGE GLADIATOR WEAPONS AREA and spots TESSA at the adjacent BAR, because where else would you put the BAR. Although to be fair, this planet probably has BARS inside the BATHROOMS of OTHER BARS.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

OMG your tattoo... you were a Valkyrie on Asgard! I always wanted to be a Valkyrie growing up, until I learned they were all-

TESSA THOMPSON

Women?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Dead. Hm, I wonder who I thought killed them, since I never knew about Cate Blanchett until yesterday?

TESSA THOMPSON

Well I'm not helping you save Asgard, I have important getting shitfaced to do. Besides you're not gonna survive Jeff's Champion anyway.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

I can't wait to see who this Champion is! The way we're building up to it and being so coy as to his identity, it must be some big shocking surprise reveal coming up...

TESSA THOMPSON

You really DIDN'T see the trailers, huh.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Or the posters, why?

CHRIS prepares for his INEVITABLE ENCOUNTER with the DREAD-INSPIRING FIGURE that strikes terror in audiences everywhere. But then the STAN LEE CAMEO ends and CHRIS braces himself for...

HULK RUFFALO

RAAAARGH SURPRISE, PART OF PLANET HULK MOVIE EXIST AFTER ALL! BEST HULK COULD HOPE FOR REALLY!!

HULK RUFFALO beats up CHRIS! But then CHRIS beats up HULK RUFFALO! But then HULK RUFFALO beats up CHRIS!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Oof! Ugh! Wait... vision of Hopkins... allowing me to unleash my THUNDER LIGHTNING POWERS! Take THAT! Well now I know my storm powers are an intrinsic part of me, that's gonna be a huge help from this moment on!

JEFF GOLDBLUM

The crowd's loving Chris! Hm, even if he wins his freedom, it'll still make future fights more exciting since we've shown that Hulk is beatable. Suspense is good for business! Or maybe people will be even MORE invested in the sport if I brazenly, openly cheat.

(calls phantom foul)

(ignores blatant goaltender interference)

(zaps Chris)

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(being zapped)

ARRRGHHH OH COME ON I AM LITERALLY USING MY LIGHTNING POWERS AT THIS VERY SECOND HOW IS THIS WORKINGGGGGGG

INT. HULKPARTMENT

After a few hours to recover from his massive internal injuries, CHRIS regains consciousness.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(puzzled)

Hulk's fights are to the death... why am I alive and in the Champion's quarters, instead of dead or at least thrown back in jail with CGI Taika and the Gladiators, currently sitting at #137 on the Billboard 200?

NAKED HULK RUFFALO

ACTUALLY HULK GET TO PLAY MARRY-FUCK-KILL WITH ANYONE HULK DEFEATS IN ARENA, HULK JUST ALWAYS CHOSEN KILL BEFORE

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Ah so you... pretended to pick another option to help me out, because we're teammates?

(grins hopefully)

NAKED HULK RUFFALO

SURE LET'S GO WITH THAT. ANYWAY HULK ARRIVE BY FALLING OUT OF CRASH-LANDING QUINJET WHICH IS STRANGELY SITTING PERFECTLY UNDAMAGED OVER THERE

(points out window)

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Awesome! Could you invite Tessa over so I can pickpocket the zapper-remote off her? I only need to be standing within a foot away to pull that off.

This HAPPENS and CHRIS escapes to the QUINJET! However HULK RUFFALO follows and begins TRASHING the jet until CHRIS plays a video of SCARLETT JOHANSSON!

HULK RUFFALO

ARRRGH HULK SEE VIDEO OF WOMAN HULK LOVE, HAS PROFOUND EFFECT ON HULK!! HULK... DEFLATING! GETTING SMALLER... SOFTER...

(becomes Mark)

...oh shit, honestly this has never happened before, I swear. I'm just tired, gimme a minute...

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(blinks)

INT. HALL OF SOLID GOLDBLUM

TOM and TESSA are summoned by GOLDBLUM and his right-hand woman RACHEL HOUSE who by the way FUCKING RULES.

RACHEL HOUSE

We need Mark and Chris back at once, so we're asking you, the only people on this planet who might possibly have a shred of loyalty to the escaped prisoners, to go get them.

In the hallway outside TOM and TESSA begin TALKING while FIGHTING, since regular plain TALKING is for LAMEOIDS.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Oof! You may be the better fighter but what if I make you relive a TRAUMATIC MEMORY?!?

TESSA THOMPSON

(having vision)

Aiieee!! The day Cate Blanchett murdered all the Valkyries, including a blonde one that sacrificed herself for me while giving a meaningful look! Ah, someday I'm sure we'll be bold enough to just say "gay" or "bisexual" but until then, subtext it is!

(snaps out of it)

What the fuck, Tom is still here? He had forever to get away.

(knocks out Tom)

EXT. THE COLOURFUL BUSTLING STREETS OF GOLDBLUM

MARK and CHRIS try to lay low while somehow managing to be conspicuous in a crowd including every colour and shape of being in existence.

MARK RUFFALO

I'm glad we found some of Downey's clothes for me to wear but man are they tight! Especially these pants, they are so very very uncomfortably tight!

(tugs crotch)

(is not Rocket Raccoon so joke works less well than in Guardians 1)

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Oh I'm sure next time you Hulk out they'll stretch just fine. How are you holding up otherwise?

MARK RUFFALO

Not good, the last movie I remember is Age of Ultron! Do you know how fucking painful that is?? Fucking creepy moving robot mouths and Hawkeye's farm and ARRRRGH

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Keep calm Mark. I need your rational, controllable self for now, until we can get to Asgard. Then I'll need you to whip out your big rage monster. And maybe become Hulk.

MARK RUFFALO

Okay, but, I'm worried Hulk will take over permanently if I change back. Besides, Cate has proven herself pretty much invulnerable to all physical attacks. Maybe you want my smart self to come up with a better plan than, y'know, "get 'er"?

TESSA THOMPSON

(appearing)

There you are! I knew if I wandered these teeming mobs of thousands of people I'd find you inside of ten minutes.

INT. TESSA'S GROOVY DIGS, BABY

TESSA takes CHRIS and MARK back to her place where TOM is chained up waiting for them.

QUITE A BIT OF FANFICTION

(happens)

TESSA THOMPSON

That giant wormhole leads directly to Asgard. But we need a special ship because garble tech polarity snarf.

MARK RUFFALO

Ooh that's right! Vortex flux capacitor blorb!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Yes, quantum particle splork fusion! Wait did I just say one of Mark's lines by mistake?

TOM HIDDLESTON

Look guys, only Goldblum's personal fuckship can get through that giant wormhole that conveniently goes to exactly where we need to be. But I have access codes and stuff! Let me join you?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Fine, you may join our team known as... shit, we used Defenders for the Netflix team-up. We have Valkyrie, Hulk, and Dr Strange in this movie, WE should be the goddamn Defenders!! And Netflix Defenders didn't even include Hellcat WHO IS IN THEIR SHOWS, AND WAS IN THE ACTUAL DEFENDERS COMICS AND ARRGH okay forget the team name thing.

INT. THE HEART OF GOLDBLUM PALACE

TESSA frees CGI TAIKA AND THE GLADIATORS from their EXCLUSIVE CONTRACT with GOLDBLUM while CHRIS and TOM go to steal the FUCKSHIP.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Despite being inches from escaping I just can't help but betray you, brother!

(smiles, winkZZZAAAPPP OWIE OWIE OWWWWWW)

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(holding zap remote)

Saw that coming, brother. I think it's time I taught you a lesson about doing the morally right thing by leaving you here to be executed. Bye!

CHRIS and TESSA and MARK engage in a DEVO SPACESHIP CHASE with RACHEL HOUSE and WIN! They fly into the WORMHOLE!

EXT. ASGARD

CATE and her undead GIANT WOLF sneer erotically at huddled ASGARDIANS.

CATE BLANCHETT

I know Idris Elba has hidden many, but not all, of you somewhere on Asgard! He's far too smart to have taken them to The Huge Mountainside Stronghold we all know about, so fess up!

BRAVE NOBLE CITIZENS OF ASGARD

(fold like cheap suit)

CATE BLANCHETT

He IS there?!? Ah, the classic bluff double bluff. Off to murder!

Over by the RAINBOW BRIDGE, CHRIS & CO. arrive!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Idris telepathically told me that Cate is about to massacre the last of our people, any minute now. So, let's go find this ship a new gun that we barely use, plus track down a new outfit for Tessa!

TESSA THOMPSON

Thanks! Okay can everything pause while I change all my clothes?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

While you're doing that, I'll head to the throne room and lure Cate into battling me. NO, don't argue, I must go... alone. You and Mark aid our people, while I heroically throw myself before the full force of Cate's insatiable lust!

(goes into palace)

(pause)

(pokes head back through door)

For power.

Meanwhile, IDRIS ELBA AND THE ASGARDIANS are ALSO surging up the Billboard charts! Oh yeah, and making their escape.

ASGARDIAN

So Idris, are we gonna sneak up to the Bifrost room like when you stole the sword, all stealthy-like?

IDRIS ELBA

Fuck no, we're gonna march across the entirety of the wide open rainbow bridge so we can be comically easily trapped, of course! Funny my all-seeing eyes didn't spot the giant wolf blocking our path ahead. Or the undead army behind us. Oopsie!

But above them are TESSA and MARK in the FUCKSHIP!

MARK RUFFALO

Damn, I know what I need to do, even though my Banner self might be lost forever. Time for a huge heroic sacrifice! Undercut with a quick gag of course, this is Marvel after all.

MARK throws himself onto the BRIDGE and is briefly FUCKING DEAD but then becomes HULK RUFFALO! He grabs the WOLF and flings them both off the BRIDGE into the WATER!

ASGARDIAN

Maybe we could escape that way! We're supposed to be a tough species, could probably survive diving into-

TOM HIDDLESTON

(arriving)

No need, it's me with CGI Taika and a huuuge spaceship! I had a big huge emotional moment of deciding to do the right thing, which we kind of skipped over!

ASGARDIANS

Hurray, it's the guy who imprisoned and impersonated our rightful King! Woo-hoo! Yaaayy!!

The ASGARDIANS load up the ship but the UNDEAD ARMY threaten to overrun it!

KARL URBAN

Right, fuck this cowardly-lackey gas-hauler bullshit! I'm going Hero Mode!

(guns down some undeads)

Ha ha, take that! Oh shit did I remember to steal extra clips?

(skewered)

Poop.

While all this is going on CHRIS and CATE have been fighting to a STANDSTILL which is starting to look kind of bad for EVERY OTHER WARRIOR IN ASGARD who all got killed in HALF A SECOND.

CATE BLANCHETT

BAAAM, took out your eye! Gotta maintain our quota of at least two eyepatch characters in the MCU at all times!

It looks bad for CHRIS but he has another VISION OF ANTHONY HOPKINS which reveals the EXACT SAME THING as the LAST VISION OF ANTHONY HOPKINS!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(summons huge lightning storm)

YEA VERILY I TRULY DOTH WIELD VAST AWESOME POWER WHEREVER SUITABLE ATMOSPHERIC CONDITIONS EXIST!!! FIRE UP THE LED ZEPPELIN MOTHERFUCKERS

(blasts Cate)

(frags undead army)

TESSA THOMPSON

Damn, we've defeated all Cate's minions but she's undamaged and stronger than ever! I guess it was nice of her to create an army of cannon fodder to pad out the action scenes with.

TOM HIDDLESTON

So now what? We know Cate draws her strength from ASGARD and as long as ASGARD is beneath her feet she has limitless power, that comes from ASGARD. I feel like a solution has been staring us in the face this whole time and yet I just can't quite--

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

That's it!! Tom, go activate Fire Demon Clancy Brown! And if you, ah, happen to see any ongoing plot MacGuffins down there, maybe snag those too? Otherwise I have a sneaking suspicion the Infinity War might be over before it starts.

They resurrect CLANCY BROWN who destroys ASGARD along with CATE who is FOR SURE COMPLETELY OBLITERATED NO DOUBT AT ALL!!!

CATE BLANCHETT

(smiles, winks)

Our heroes get to the BIG HONKIN SPACESHIP in the nick of time and fly off, narrowly dodging the OTHER large spaceship carrying the last survivors of a race whose planet was destroyed from the VALERIAN movie.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Thanks for becoming a good guy Tom.

(actual line)

If you were actually here, I might even hug you.

TOM HIDDLESTON

(actual line)

I'm here.

ALL THE FANFICTION, LIKE, JUST, ALL OF IT

(happens)

TESSA THOMPSON

So where to now, Chris?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Hm, good question. Where to go, where to go. Hm.

GHOST OF ANTHONY HOPKINS

NORWAY!! FUCKING NORWAY YOU IDIOTS, I STRAIGHT-UP FUCKING TOLD YOU TO YOUR FACE JUST BEFORE I DIED, HOLY GODDAMN SHIT HOW DID I RAISE SUCH FUCKING BLOCKHEADS, CATE WOULD'VE REMEMBERED NORWAY I'LL GIVE HER THAT

(has ghost tantrum)

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

I sense we should go to Earth... somewhere. Anyway the important thing is we've wrapped everything up nicely, and this was clearly the best Thor movie ever!

TESSA THOMPSON

Oh, should we take a moment to remember Ray and Zachary and Tadanobu? Your lifelong good friends who were just killed?

MATT DAMON

And do we want to acknowledge Karl Urban's epic face-turn at all? I'm available to re-enact his death now that we know Tom's alive...

TOM HIDDLESTON

And where the fuck has Jaime Alexander been this whole time? Anyone know? Is she okay?

HULK RUFFALO

ALSO IS BANNER GONE FOREVER AND IS HULK PERMANENT NOW

TESSA THOMPSON

And wait, didn't Hulk get majorly stabbed by the giant wolf during the final battle?

TOM HIDDLESTON

That's a good point, er, what is your character called anyway? I mean "Valkyrie" was your title, it's odd we've never mentioned your actual name...

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(teeth clenched)

Best. Thor. Ever.

END

EXT. MID-CREDITS BONUS SCENE --- OUTER SPACE

CHRIS and TOM are hanging out on the SHIP.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Lum tee tum.

TOM HIDDLESTON

(whistles)

THANOS

HEYYY YOUUUU GUYYYYYYYYYS

END

EXT. POST-CREDITS BONUS SCENE --- JUNKYARD OUTSIDE THE CITY OF GOLDBLUM

JEFF is cornered by an ANGRY RAGING MOB.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Okay, okay, I give up, I shouldn't have rigged it for Blake Shelton. Bad choice. I was bribed. Happy now?

END

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