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This Means War

THIS MEANS WAR

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. HONG KONG SKYSCRAPER

TOM HARDY and CHRIS PINE are at a high-class party.

CHRIS PINE

We're wearing tuxedos and flirting with sexy women. If that's not espionage I don't know what is.

TOM HARDY

I don't know. This mission is missing something.

GERMAN CRIMINALS

Did someone order a parachute escape, a briefcase full of money and a villain stepping out of a helicopter?

TOM HARDY

Perfect.

TOM HARDY and CHRIS PINE trade bullets with the GERMAN CRIMINALS. The mood is now set for a romantic comedy.

INT. CIA OFFICES

CHRIS and TOM are being chewed out by their boss, ANGELA BASSETT.

ANGELA BASSETT

You two idiots ruined a supposedly covert operation! You're clearly a bad influence on each other, so I'm having you work side by side in an office cut off from the rest of the agency.

CHRIS PINE

But they'll be a cubicle wall separating us right?

ANGELA BASSETT

Actually your desks will be facing each other. But don't worry, it's going to set up a great moment for the trailer later in the movie.

CHRIS and TOM are not actually working in their new office.

TOM HARDY

You're my best friend in the whole world.

CHRIS PINE

You're my best friend in the whole universe.

TOM HARDY

I'd take a bullet for you.

CHRIS PINE

I'd take a hundred bullets for you.

TOM HARDY

I could gaze into your eyes for-

CHRIS PINE

I've accidentally started dating the same woman as you.

TOM HARDY

You bastard! I'll rip your eyes out!

CHRIS PINE

Hold on a second. I think we should continue dating your girlfriend without telling her we know each other or confronting her about why she's dating both of us at the same time.

TOM HARDY

But you've been going on and on about how I should get over my divorce. Why do you want to turn the first girl I met into a contest prize?

CHRIS PINE

Would you rather spend the rest of the movie working?

TOM HARDY

Fair point. Okay, we'll both do our best to woo her, and we'll let her decide who she wants to continue seeing. But we won't let it affect our friendship.

CHRIS PINE

Of course not.

(hands Tom a ticking birthday present)

Don't open this until I've left the building.

EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES

CHRIS is going out with TOM'S new girlfriend, REESE WITHERSPOON.

REESE WITHERSPOON

You may think I'm as easily seducible as all the other women you date, but you'll find I have much more self-respect.

CHRIS PINE

I highly doubt that considering that you let me browbeat you into a date while you were already seeing Tom.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Well at least I didn't spend an entire evening waiting by the phone while my friend was on a date like an abandoned puppy.

CHRIS PINE

Wow, we really don't get along. Same time next week?

REESE WITHERSPOON

Sure!

CHRIS, TOM and REESE go on a series of incredibly boring dates.

INT. CIA OFFICES

CHRIS and TOM are still not doing any work.

CHRIS PINE

Hmmm, I'm not making much progress with Reese. I'm going to use a CIA taskforce to spy on her and tell me about her innermost desires.

TOM HARDY

You mean you're going to violate a woman's privacy just to get laid?

CHRIS PINE

Yep.

TOM HARDY

And you're going to steal hundreds of thousands of dollars' worth in equipment and resources in to order to do so? With all of it funded by taxpayers?

CHRIS PINE

Uh huh.

TOM HARDY

And this is hundreds of thousands of dollars' worth in resources that the CIA could use to say, stop the terrorist force that is slowly killing our men and women in the Middle East? Or maybe finding the guy who was behind those German criminals?

CHRIS PINE

That pretty much sums it up.

TOM HARDY

Cool! I'm doing the same thing!

CHRIS PINE

Okay, how the hell did our superiors approve of not just one but TWO separate taskforces investigating this woman with no criminal history or connections?

TOM HARDY

Don't worry. I told them she was planning to smuggle a bottle of water past airport security. Now the first thing we should do is break into her apartment while she's still there to plant bugs.

INT. WITHERSPOON'S APARTMENT

REESE WITHERSPOON and CHELSEA HANDLER are having WACKY CONVERSATION #457

REESE WITHERSPOON

I've got two gorgeous guys hanging on to every word I say and spending huge amounts of money on me. My life is so hard!

CHELSEA HANDLER

As your wacky best friend, I recommend having sex. I like sex. Especially sexy sex. Sex sex sex...

CHRIS PINE and TOM HARDY watch them from their surveillance center.

CHRIS PINE

Why are all these movie surveillance centers so poorly lit?

TOM HARDY

To make all the glowing monitors seem impressive. Why else?

CHRIS PINE

Screw this. I'm off to bang Reese despite knowing that half the CIA will be watching. Anything's better than watching them repeat this conversation for the hundredth time.

INT. CIA OFFICES

TOM HARDY is still not actually working.

CIA DRONE

Sir, I'm afraid Chris visited Reese's apartment last night and... entered the premises.

TOM HARDY

"Entered the premises?" Are you twelve? Since when did the CIA pussyfoot around something as innocent as consensual sex?

CIA DRONE

I'm sorry sir. Now that you know Reese is sleeping with someone else, does that mean you'll give up on her?

TOM HARDY

Nope. I'll still be obsessed as ever. Nothing in my behaviour will change.

CIA DRONE

Oh God. Are you saying my horrible pun was the only reason for that sex scene?

TOM HARDY

Sorry about that. Well, I'm going to beat up a group of innocent paintball players in order to impress Reese. Sophisticated women love indiscriminate violence.

INT. ART GALLERY

CHRIS is giving REESE a private art exhibition.

CHRIS PINE

You were writing in your diary last night about how you loved the paintings of Gustav Klimt, so I arranged this on a government salary.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Aw, you're so cultured! I'm glad you're not one of those men who only pretend to share the same interests as their girlfriend. I mean, why would you even bother if you have nothing in common?

CHRIS PINE

I know, right? Coincidentally, is there any chance of sex later?

EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES

CHRIS interrupts REESE and TOM on their lunch date.

CHRIS PINE

Remember that criminal mastermind we were supposed to have been tracking? It turns out he's in town and trying to kill us.

TOM HARDY

As your best friend and a professional intelligence operative, I will of course address this threat immediately.

CHRIS PINE

Really?

TOM HARDY

No.

(tackles Chris off a balcony)

CHRIS and TOM proceed to trash the entire restaurant in front of a DOZEN PEOPLE who never call the POLICE.

CHRIS PINE

This would be pretty exciting if we weren't just fighting over the chance to get laid.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Wait, you two know each other? How dare you keep secrets from me! This is somehow worse than the fact that you've just thrown a $50,000 temper tantrum.

(storms out)

TIL SCHWEIGER

Bwahahaha! It is I, the man who swore vengeance in the first act! I've travelled a long way to kill you both, but for some reason I'll kidnap Reese Witherspoon instead.

(does so)

CHRIS PINE

If only we'd actually done our job of tracking that guy! What do we do now?

TOM HARDY

Well, at first it looked like we were going on an action-packed spy adventure, but so far all we've done is stalk and endanger an innocent young woman. Let's jam in a car chase to make up for it.

CHRIS and TOM chase the bad guys all over LA. Eventually the three protagonists are cornered on a half-finished overpass.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Hmmm. There's out-of-control car barrelling towards me, but do I run to the left side of the road to Tom or to the right side to Chris? Let me think.

TOM HARDY

I think that car presents a slightly more pressing problem than your love life right now.

REESE WITHERSPOON

The First Law of Romantic Comedies says that the one I argue the most with is my one true love. Here I come Chris!

(throws self into his arms)

Thank you for saving me from the danger your negligence put me in!

CHRIS PINE

Awesome! Now that I've got your heart, I'm going to mount it on the wall next to my judo trophies.

TOM HARDY

Think logically about this for a second, Reese. Chris used spies to find out all your interests, and then pretended to enjoy them as well. All your happiest moments were based on lies.

REESE WITHERSPOON

If I was thinking logically I'd be calling every law enforcement agency I know and telling them how you had CIA drones watching me have sex like I was a fucking animal.

TOM HARDY

...go date Chris.

CHRIS PINE

Look on the bright side. At least you've reunited with the son we barely saw and the ex-wife I've been banging on the side.

TOM HARDY

I hope they're rich, because don't think we'll be keeping our jobs after this.

SURVIVING HENCHMEN

Well, given your talent for needless destruction, have you ever considered a career in supervillainy?

END