"What do you mean you want me to shave, it took me a month to grow this!"


"What do you mean you want me to shave, it took me a month to grow this!"
This script is a contribution from a hopeful author. Please rate the script at the bottom and leave constructive feedback, it's extremely valuable.

THE THIRTEENTH FLOOR

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. THEATER

AUDIENCE

This film had better be good.

JOSEF RUSNAK (DIRECTOR)

Don't sweat it! It's a cross between The Matrix and Dark City! It even has a website! How can it go wrong?

EXT. LOS ANGELES CIRCA 1937

Film looks like it has been WASHED in bleach. Either that or work experience guy has been MESSING with the film saturation controls.

AUDIENCE

Oh, we get it. The film's sort of faded, just like how the world really looked in 1937.

DIRECTOR

Uh...actually, the work experience guy washed the film in bleach. This effect, while quaint, will become annoying later on.

INT. A SWANKY BAR AND DANCE HALL

ARMIN MUELLER-STAHL

I have here a very important letter which, for some reason, I am going to give to you, a random bartender. This letter holds the key to much of the plot.

BARTENDER

While it is patently obvious that I am the shiftiest person ever, I will be happy to look after this letter in a trustworthy fashion. When you are gone I will read it.

ARMIN MUELLER-STAHL goes home in a taxi and goes to bed. He wakes up in the present day: it is obvious now that he wasn't really in 1937 LA, but has just been frigging around in an imaginary world on the corporate Nintendo.

INT. AN APARTMENT

CRAIG BIERKO gets out of bed and walks around.

AUDIENCE

Waitaminute!! That whole set's borrowed from Blade Runner!

DIRECTOR

Can't talk! Banking!

CRAIG BIERKO finds BLOOD on the bathroom sink. It has the consistency of GRAVY. Despite this he gets dressed and goes to work.

INT. A LARGE OFFICE.

There are many computers here, they are all HUMMING. They are obviously very powerful as they don't have screens, just a few flashing lights. Despite this, they would be GOOD for QUAKE.

CRAIG BIERKO

Well, FULLER is dead and I think it had something to do with this souped up PlayStation we have here. What do you think, typical programmer friend?

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

(typical programmer)

I am trying to figure out why this computer can create an entire city but cannot run Windows.

CRAIG BIERKO

Screw that! Time for a fang on the machine!

CRAIG BIERKO plugs into the machine. There are many COOL and LOUD sound effects to help the audience understand how a large computer actually works. Cue much CGI WIZARDRY borrowed, frankly, from STARGATE.

INT. A BANK

People are milling around waiting for tellers. The DIRECTOR is in the background depositing the takings from the film.

CRAIG BIERKO

Wow! I'm in 1937! Except, I know this isn't the real 1937, but one we made up. This precludes me from fucking off this whole computer programming job crap and making loads of money out of being able to play the stock market for the next sixty years.

AUDIENCE

Wow, that washed out look of the film sure is getting annoying!

DIRECTOR

Told you so!

CRAIG BIERKO

Now to find this bartender. There is, apparently, only one bar in town so he will be easy to find.

INT. A SWANKY BAR AND DANCE HALL

CRAIG BIERKO

Give me the letter!

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

(bartender)

No.

CRAIG BIERKO

Very well, I have come prepared for this situation, and brought my fists.

There is a FIGHT. Eventually, BIERKO takes the letter from the bartender and reads it.

CRAIG BIERKO

Wait a minute! This letter says that this entire thing is just a shallow, superficial sham!

AUDIENCE

You're telling us!

CRAIG BIERKO travels back to present day (using STARGATE), gets in car and drives to the edge of town. He stops the car, gets out and sees that his own world has been generated by a computer! This scene is dripping with IRONY.

AUDIENCE

You said it was a cross between The Matrix and Dark City! This thing was junk! Can we get refunds?

DIRECTOR

Can't talk! Banking!

END

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