"I sure hope this gets used for my 'In Memoriam' reel someday."


"I sure hope this gets used for my 'In Memoriam' reel someday."

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. SCHOOLYARD - DAY

BEN STILLER and his gang of HUMOROUS LOSER FRIENDS stand around outside of the school, emitting nerd rays. Suddenly, CAMERON DIAZ rides by on a bike. BEN sees her.

BEN STILLER

I think I'm in love. On a completely superficial level, of course. Luckily, I'm the main character so you have to want me to get her in the end.

CAMERON DIAZ

Hey. I want a nerd to go to the prom with. Also, I like beer, sports, ugly guys, braces, bad hair, and all other things that would make me the object of any guy's affection.

BEN STILLER

Hooray!

BEN STILLER proceeds to ejaculate.

INT. CAMERON DIAZ'S HOUSE - DAY

BEN STILLER

I'm here to pick up Mary.

Her STEPFATHER comes to the door. He is black and has an AFRO, which is FUNNY.

BEN STILLER

I have to use the bathroom.

BEN STILLER proceeds to ejaculate on a pile of boogers.

ADOLESCENT BOYS IN AUDIENCE

(masturbating)

THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER!!!!

INT. BATHROOM - DAY

BEN gets his PENIS caught in his zipper. He screams in agony.

MOVIE TRAILER

This is the funniest part of the movie and I gave it away. Suckers.

BEN STILLER proceeds to ejaculate on the MOVIE TRAILER.

INT. DETECTIVE AGENCY - YEARS LATER - DAY

BEN STILLER

Find Mary.

MATT DILLON

Ok.

He finds her. BEN goes down to where she lives and hijinks ensue. BEN STILLER proceeds to ejaculate on a living dog.

INT. MARY'S PLACE - DAY

MATT DILLON

I love Mary.

OTHER LOSER MALE

I love Mary.

BEN STILLER

I love Mary.

BEN STILLER proceeds to ejaculate and CAMERON DIAZ rubs the semen into her hair and all over her body, which is naked.

ADOLESCENT BOYS IN AUDIENCE

(ejaculating)

I LOVE THIS FUCKIN' MOVIE, YO!!

Suddenly, a BIG HANDSOME JOCK walks in.

BIG HANDSOME JOCK

I love Mary.

BEN STILLER

Wow. He's perfect for her. He's everything she wants in a man, and he's attractive. They totally deserve each other.

AUDIENCE

What a unique ending. Despite being the main character, Ben doesn't get the girl - because he doesn't deserve her and is no better than the other losers who think they are in love. A realistic but happy ending for Cameron and the guy who she deserves. It brings a whole new angle of reality to typical romantic comedies. What an intelligent film.

CAMERON DIAZ

No. I love you, Ben.

AUDIENCE

Yay!! Even better! WOO HOO! GO BEN!

FARRELLY BROTHERS

For good measure: Booger, poopie, pee, vagina, panties, semen, menstruation, penis, and fart. We're funny.

The FARRELLY BROTHERS proceed to ejaculate on the AUDIENCE.

END

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