Russell Crowe auditions for the part of Mr. Freeze.


Russell Crowe auditions for the part of Mr. Freeze.

THE INSIDER

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXTREME CLOSEUP OF CAR FRONT TIRE

AUDIENCE IN FIRST THIRTY ROWS

What the hell is that big smudge up there?

INT. ROOM

The EXTREME CLOSEUP continues, which makes it almost IMPOSSIBLE to tell WHERE we are, or WHO is in the scene.

AL PACINO'S NOSE

I've come here to get your story, because I represent TRUTH.

OTHER GUY'S EARLOBE

I am not so sure I can trust you.

AL PACINO'S UPPER LIP

That's okay, the only purpose of this scene is to establish that I value the TRUTH.

OTHER GUY'S CHIN

Very well, since you embody TRUTH I shall grant an interview.

INT. RUSSELL CROWE'S HOUSE

RUSSELL CROWE'S LEFT EYEBROW

I got fired from my evil tobacco job.

WIMPY WIFE'S RIGHT CORNEA

As a typical movie wife, I can't offer you any kind of moral support or backbone whatsoever. I'll just fret uselessly until my "I can't take it any more" speech and then vanish.

RUSSELL CROWE'S ELBOW

I understand.

THAT EVIL PEPSI DEMON CHILD

Why don't you relax with a Pepsi, Dad?

THE MOLE ON RUSSELL CROWE'S NECK

Thanks, kid.

AUDIENCE

Aaaaaaaghhhhhhh! That evil Pepsi demon child! I cast thee out! Et in Spiritus Sancti Dominum Novum!

INT. HOTEL

AL PACINO sits nonchalantly reading a newspaper in a way that makes it blatantly obvious he's waiting to meet an informant. Finally an OUT-OF-FOCUS BLOB arrives which we assume must be RUSSELL CROWE.

AL PACINO'S HAIRLINE

I'm glad you agreed to meet me. So what's this terrible information you've got?

RUSSELL CROWE'S LOWER TEETH

Smoking kills people, and the tobacco executives are assholes that could care less.

AL PACINO'S EYELID

Dear God! The TRUTH must be revealed at once!

AUDIENCE

Geez, big secret. This has been all over the papers for months. When's the real story going to start?

While the audience waits patiently, RUSSELL CROWE'S LIFE falls apart.

INT. ANOTHER ROOM

RUSSELL CROWE'S SHOULDER

Dammit, my life fell apart, all because of the TRUTH.

(looks intently at camera)

The TRUUUUUUUUUTHHHHH!!!!!!!!

AL PACINO'S OSCAR HOPES

TRUUUUUUUUUTH! TRUUUUUUUUTH!

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER'S CHEEKBONE

I'd like an Oscar too, please, even if I do make Mike Wallace seem like a deranged Bela Lugosi.

AL PACINO'S JAW IN SHADOWY PROFILE

Good news, Assorted Russell Crowe Body Parts, because of my valiant and two- dimensional heroism and pursuit of TRUTH, we'll be airing your interview after all. The TRUTH will be known.

AUDIENCE

Well, yeah, that's why you even got to make this movie. You're telling me I spent three hours to find out what I already learned in three minutes from reading the newspaper?

DIRECTOR MICHAEL MANN'S TONSILS

But my version has FAMOUS ACTORS!!!!!!

AUDIENCE

Oh for fuck's sake.

END

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