The Abridged Script
EXTREME CLOSEUP OF CAR FRONT TIRE
AUDIENCE IN FIRST THIRTY ROWS
What the hell is that big smudge up there?
The EXTREME CLOSEUP continues, which makes it almost IMPOSSIBLE to tell WHERE we are, or WHO is in the scene.
AL PACINO'S NOSE
I've come here to get your story, because I represent TRUTH.
OTHER GUY'S EARLOBE
I am not so sure I can trust you.
AL PACINO'S UPPER LIP
That's okay, the only purpose of this scene is to establish that I value the TRUTH.
OTHER GUY'S CHIN
Very well, since you embody TRUTH I shall grant an interview.
INT. RUSSELL CROWE'S HOUSE
RUSSELL CROWE'S LEFT EYEBROW
I got fired from my evil tobacco job.
WIMPY WIFE'S RIGHT CORNEA
As a typical movie wife, I can't offer you any kind of moral support or backbone whatsoever. I'll just fret uselessly until my "I can't take it any more" speech and then vanish.
RUSSELL CROWE'S ELBOW
THAT EVIL PEPSI DEMON CHILD
Why don't you relax with a Pepsi, Dad?
THE MOLE ON RUSSELL CROWE'S NECK
Aaaaaaaghhhhhhh! That evil Pepsi demon child! I cast thee out! Et in Spiritus Sancti Dominum Novum!
AL PACINO sits nonchalantly reading a newspaper in a way that makes it blatantly obvious he's waiting to meet an informant. Finally an OUT-OF-FOCUS BLOB arrives which we assume must be RUSSELL CROWE.
AL PACINO'S HAIRLINE
I'm glad you agreed to meet me. So what's this terrible information you've got?
RUSSELL CROWE'S LOWER TEETH
Smoking kills people, and the tobacco executives are assholes that could care less.
AL PACINO'S EYELID
Dear God! The TRUTH must be revealed at once!
Geez, big secret. This has been all over the papers for months. When's the real story going to start?
While the audience waits patiently, RUSSELL CROWE'S LIFE falls apart.
INT. ANOTHER ROOM
RUSSELL CROWE'S SHOULDER
Dammit, my life fell apart, all because of the TRUTH.
(looks intently at camera)
AL PACINO'S OSCAR HOPES
CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER'S CHEEKBONE
I'd like an Oscar too, please, even if I do make Mike Wallace seem like a deranged Bela Lugosi.
AL PACINO'S JAW IN SHADOWY PROFILE
Good news, Assorted Russell Crowe Body Parts, because of my valiant and two- dimensional heroism and pursuit of TRUTH, we'll be airing your interview after all. The TRUTH will be known.
Well, yeah, that's why you even got to make this movie. You're telling me I spent three hours to find out what I already learned in three minutes from reading the newspaper?
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MANN'S TONSILS
But my version has FAMOUS ACTORS!!!!!!
Oh for fuck's sake.