The Abridged Script
INT. PURITAN COURTHOUSE - NEW ENGLAND - 1600'S AMERICA
Puritan RALPH INESON and his FAMILY are standing trial.
You must renounce this shameful heresy, Goodman Ralph! We are a humble, God-fearing people who wish only to live in blessed peace, and who reject your thirst for suspense and horror. Your request to build a 20th-century fence 'round our village and place M. Night Shyalaman without, is denied! Furthermore, for even bringing it up, thou art banished!
O most weak-willed Cowards! So be't, we shall forge out on our own, using only the most natural of lighting; the very Forest itself will be our most dreaded special effect, dramatic tension our CGI. Through these modest means shall we create the finest pastoral nightmare; men shall say of succeeding films, the Lorde make it like that of Ralph Ineson!
Yes yes, may He shine forth on your efforts, so long as they not entail going all Blair Witch on us. Now, away!
RALPH takes his family to a random field next to a BIG SPOOKY FOREST full of TALL SPOOKY TREES and EERIE WAILING CHOIR VOICES.
As eldest daughter it is mayhap not my place, but in truth, I did prefer the screeching-violins grasslands we visited earlier. To merely say.
F/X: THE HIDEOUS THUD OF A SHARP BLADE CHOPPING---
F/X: ---A PIECE OF WOOD, HAR HAR
Time has passed, during witch (WITCH!!) the INESON family has built a home and a barn and a paddock and a NEW BABY. ANYA takes some private time to make CONFESSION.
Merciful Lord, I confess that I have played on thy Sabbath day. I shall not specify further, leaving it to Thee to deduce, solely from the weight of my inflection, whether I refer to mere wholesome frolic, or the wanton flicking of mine button. In either case, please bestow Thy mercy upon me.
Later, ANYA is asked to watch over the new baby, so naturally she carries it far away from the settlement next to the BIG SPOOKY WOODS. Suddenly the baby is GONE!!
But how!? I looked away but a moment! Ah, I see there shall be much suspense as to whether we are TRULY beset by witchcraft, or perhaps mine own mental disease, or some other nefarious plot. Or perhaps there shall be witches, who are in fact virtuous, and WE are the true evil--
We CUT AWAY to see a totally naked STRAIGHT-UP FUCKING WITCH taking the BABY to its HUT and SLICING ITS FORESKIN OFF EWWWW, JUST, FUCKING EWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Or that could happen.
EXT. STREAM - SOME TIME LATER
ANYA and her little brother HARVEY SCRIMSHAW are sent to fetch water, which of course requires ANYA to BEND OVER in front of him.
Ah, I am so fortunate to bear witness to this boobling brook. Oops, I mean, babbling boob. I mean, would you care for any help carrying your suckit. Bucket. Prithee pardon, sister, what I meant was, boob.
Be not disquieted, brother. I know not what else Father expected, dragging you out here bereft of any way to vent your ravenous hormones...
They are interrupted by their younger siblings, who are named after classic Puritan values WHINYSHIT and SNOTTYBRAT.
You lost our baby brother Anya! I think you're a vvitch!
Sorry, a vvhat?
A vvitch!! Is that not the unheard-of supernatural foe we have chosen for this tale?
No no, 'tis merely a stylistic choice to make our posters more intriguing to the casual moviegoer. Think no more on't, simply be glad we not find ourselves within a gritty reboot of Snovv VVhite.
Posters? Gritty reboot? What demonic language is this AAAIEEEE ANYA'S A VVVVVITTTCHHH
And so, they are convinced of mine own witchful tendencies. This shall not come back to bite me at all, yea, not even in the slightest.
F/X: THE HORRIBLE SHARP SOUND OF A SNAPPING--
EXT. DEEP IN THE FOREST
F/X: --TWIG UNDERFOOT, THAT'S ALL, HA HA
RALPH has taken HARVEY out hunting in the vvoods.
Let us go over your lessons. What is the true essence of Man?
I am a wretched sinner by nature. So are we all, wretched sinners. This pinecone is dripping with sin. That bramble is like unto a cumdrenched whore.
Quite so. We must be ever virtuous, son, for 'tis our one true protection against evil!
Now help me check these traps. I stole your mother's most cherished possession to acquire them, then lied to her about it, after stuffing my belly with a raging envious sloth.
The TRAPS are empty but they spot an EVIL-LOOKING BUNNY!
That rabbit appears, to my eyes, to be evil as fuck. Did we think to bring a holy hand grenade?
We did not! However, I have brought my trusty rifle, made with the finest 17th century technology!
(blows up in own face)
ARRGHHHH THAT BUNNY IS MOST SURELY BEVVVVITCHEDD
EXT. BACK AT THE SETTLEMENT
RALPH and HARVEY return to find the settlement in DISARRAY and RALPH'S VVIFE, KATE DICKIE, most displeased.
Whilst thou were out gallavanting through the forest our goat, innocently named Black Phillip, has gotten loose! Where hast thou been?!?
Must not confess the truth... um... Mother, 'twas my fault! I thought we had spied... er... APPLES, yes! Nice, plump, non-symbolic APPLES! Phew, thank Heaven I came up with that safe little white lie.
F/X: THE SUDDEN JARRING SOUND OF A CRACKING--
INT. AROUND THE DINING TABLE - THAT NIGHT
F/X: --EMBER FROM THE FIRE, THAT'S ALL, PSSYYYCHHH
This cider is bitter. Mayhap it would taste better inside my missing SILVER CHALICE!
Anya, would you pass the salt, or would you LOSE it like you did our BROTHER?
Perhaps my younger sibling would like another helping of FUCK YOU!
Cease thy bickering! We must be knit together in this work as one man, united in God's strength and goodness, if we are to rebuild our sorely tattered faith.
Oh and Anya, we have agreed to trade you to another family for some food, and a conditional draft pick. It labours my heart to do so but sadly, 'tis essential to the rebuilding process.
EXT. THE FOREST - THAT NIGHT
In an attempt to save his
VIEW OF TEENAGE BOOB BELOVED SISTER, HARVEY goes out hunting at night, followed by ANYA.
Surely taking our horse, dog, and rifle on this midnight hunt, investing much of our meagre resources into this high-risk endeavour, shall prove to be the smartest option.
Fear not, sister. Someday I must provide for all of us, and so this very night, I take the first step to becoming the protector of all our-
Everyone FREAKS THE FUCK OUT and SPLITS UP! The HORSE runs off! ANYA stumbles around and finds their dog DEAD! Meanwhile HARVEY is approached by what appears to be a YOUNG HOT SEXY WITCH but it turns out she has an OLD WITHERED ARM!! What SINFUL DECEPTION of PURE WICKEDNESS lies in wait for--
Dude, balls about to burst open, DO NOT care.
INT. BACK AT THE SETTLEMENT
The next morning, the remaining INESON FAMILY calmly re-assesses the situation.
Kate, prithee compose thyself! Between the hysteria, the period dialogue, and our thick historical accents, 'tis exceedingly difficult to discern what the fuck thou sayest!!
Mother, Father! I was milking blood out of the goats, that being what they do now, and I found Harvey! Come now with all haste, for he is terribly ill!
They try to heal HARVEY with the time-honoured Puritan technique of EVERYONE SHOUTING QUITE A LOT.
Pray, my family! Pray with all your might, think on nothing else!!
I have forgotten my prayers!
(emits piercing wail)
We are bevvitched!!!
(imitates air raid siren)
PRAY, I BESEECH YOU!! PRRAAAAYYY!!!
OH HEY I THINK ALL THOSE THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE REALLY DOING THE TRICK, I'M ACTUALLY FEELING A LOT
Anya, you have done this! You truly are a vvitch!
Overwhelmed with grief, RALPH locks ANYA and the TWINS into the BARN where they miserably settle in with the GOATS, BLACK PHILLIP... and the WITCH!!!
Oh shit! I must find an escape, or I am surely doomed!!
Nah, not really. I'll off the brats, sure, maybe kill your goats, but then we'll just chill until morning or whatever.
Meanwhile inside, a DEMONIC CROW pecks at KATE'S BREAST, after which she promptly goes back to sleep with her PECKED-TO-FUCK BOOB bleeding right through her nightshirt. Sure, maybe YOU'D need a Nyquil or Advil Nighttime to drift off in those circumstances but NOT KATE, no sirree, she's what we call a SOUND SLEEPER.
EXT. THE NEXT MORNING
RALPH wakes up to find the barn UTTERLY TRASHED and the young twins TOTES FUCKING DEAD. While reeling from shock he gets FATALLY GORED by BLACK PHILLIP and thrown against a VVOODPILE in a BLOODY HEAP.
Worst. Game. of Agricola. EVER.
(attacking Anya with knife)
Curse you Anya, you avvoke this vvhirlvvind of sorrovv! The vvitch must dieee!!!
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Pardon, I mean NOOOOOOOO
EXT. LATER THAT NIGHT
ANYA goes to the BARN where BLACK PHILLIP transforms into EVIL CAPTAIN MORGAN.
EVIL CAPTAIN MORGAN
Join me, child, and you shall live deliciously. Your nights shall be full of smooth, blended taste, as we raise unholy toasts to life, love, and loot. You have only to say the word, and there shalt be a little Captain within thee.
So soon? I have not yet even coveted my neighbour's house, or wife, or anything! Should I not at least strive for an 80% broken-Commandment rate ere I submit to damnation?
EVIL CAPTAIN MORGAN
'Tis not MY fault you are bereft of neighbours. Now get with the soul-surrendering already, we put a LOT of effort into this.
EXT. THE FOREST
ANYA finds a group of WITCHES having a CAMPFIRE. Having accepted her fate, she walks all NAKED and BLOODIED towards the GREAT BIG FIRE where she EMBRACES HER MYSTICAL POWER and at last fulfills her destiny of becoming DAENERYS TARGARYEN.
So, ah, is this what we do all day? Get naked and float really high off the ground? What with the "live deliciously" I was expecting an open bar at least.