"Yes, yes, my collab with Kanye drops on the 4th. Get hyped."


"Yes, yes, my collab with Kanye drops on the 4th. Get hyped."

THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. PARTY

FELICITY JONES is attending the most G-RATED college party of ALL TIME.

FELICITY JONES

Goodness me, this is dry. I thought college was all about puking into the toilet while high-fiving your friend receiving oral in the shower five feet away.

FELICITY’S FRIEND

Oh heavens no, we don’t go for that stuff in jolly old England. Now let’s get you a randy old hubby with a frightful big knob for a bit of the old how’s your father.

But FELICITY has eyes only for EDDIE REDMAYNE. She walks over to him.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Greetings, human female. Shall we converse?

FELICITY JONES

I’m not sure. Do we have anything in common?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Well, I am a physics student working on my PhD in scientific theories so complex we’re not even going to attempt to explain them to audience, even in a nonsensical, watered-down “Beautiful Mind” kind of way.

FELICITY JONES

And I am an artsy type with a deep passion for ancient poetry by dead authors whose names you couldn’t even pronounce.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

I’m rake thin and buck-toothed. I look like I spent too long in the dryer.

FELICITY JONES

And I’m fucking gorgeous, albeit in the kind of chaste, youthful way that you’d feel fine showing off to your mother.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

I’m a staunch atheist and always have been. The movie’s going to make it look like I struggle with this idea sometimes but even at 73 years old, after having spent half a century unable to lift a soup soon to my face, I’m just as godless as ever.

FELICITY JONES

And I go to church once in a while. We really have nothing in common at all, do we?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Nope. We should fall in love immediately.

FELICITY JONES

Right this instant.

They DO. EDDIE invites FELICITY over to dinner with his FAMILY.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

So, Felicity, now that I’ve trapped you into an awkward dinner with strangers, would you please go to the prom with me?

FELICITY JONES

Rather than embarrass you in front of your whole family, I shall say yes. I also bizarrely find this entrapment endearing. Now to counter with an awkward question of my own: why don’t you believe in God, Eddie?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

For the exact same reason emergency room doctors don’t believe in chakras and stock brokers don’t rely on Magic Eight Balls. But I find your extremely personal, mildly confrontational question adorable.

FELICITY JONES

(lovingly)

Fuck you, you loveable atheist turd.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

(enthralled)

I love you too, you delusional Luddite cunt.

INT. CLASSROOM

EDDIE is listening to a lecture by DAVID THEWLIS.

DAVID THEWLIS

Eddie, you’re as brilliant as you are spindly. But I’m concerned you lack focus. You simply must pick a topic for your PhD.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Nah. I got girls on the brain.

DAVID THEWLIS

Damn. Another physicist seduced away by the allures of free pussy. Because you just know physics dorks are drowning in the stuff. Well, you should come with me to a math lecture next week. You might find it illuminating in that “flash of inspiration” way that movies always depict scientific discoveries which in reality take months or years of diligent work to uncover.

EDDIE goes to the LECTURE, which is being taught by CHRISTIAN MCKAY.

CHRISTIAN MCKAY

So, students, as you can see by this simplistic chalk drawing, the universe is made of spirals and spirals have beginnings. And therefore the universe has a beginning or something. All of this math here also suggests that black holes are things that are also spirals, and therefore black holes must be at the beginnings of things.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

My goodness! It’s all so clear now!

EDDIE goes home and begins SCIENCING! He is confronted by his fictional roommate HARRY LLOYD.

HARRY LLOYD

Look, Ed, I know everyone was saying you were a lazy jag a few minutes ago, but now I’m convinced you’re far too focused. You need to get out and have more fun.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

No, Harry, you don’t understand! I’ve discovered that something something black holes, something something radiation, blah blah spirals, blah blah math!

HARRY LLOYD

Fascinating. How?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Who the fuck cares? Kitchen sink drama, now THAT’s where the Oscars are at.

EDDIE goes to PROM with FELICITY. They spin around because SPIRALS and then KISS.

EXT. SCHOOL

EDDIE is walking to class.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

My oh my, what a beautiful day! The birds are singing, the sun is shining, and all is right with the world! I’m so chuffed I could just sing! A spoonful of sugar helps the-

LOU GEHRIG’S DISEASE

FUCK YOUR HAPPINESS.

LOU GEHRIG’S DISEASE punches EDDIE straight in the BOLLOCKS. He collapses to the ground and HITS his HEAD.

INT. OUR LADY OF THE DRAWN-OUT MONTAGE MEDICAL CENTER

EDDIE MONTAGES his way through a battery of MEDICAL TESTS in the HOSPITAL from SAW.

DOCTOR

Eddie, I hate to tell you this, but you have a terrible illness.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Are you sure I didn’t just catch it in one of your dirty-ass recovery rooms? Seriously, I get that we’re going for a somber, oppressive vibe here but this place can NOT be sanitary.

DOCTOR

I’m sorry but no, it’s a motor neuron disease. It attacks your muscles and facial expressions while simultaneously elevating your chances at winning an Oscar. It’s fatal. You have two years to live.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Tell me doctor, does it also affect the indomitable will of the human spirit?

DOCTOR

Only time will tell, Eddie. Only time will tell…

Despondent, EDDIE throws himself into his SCIENCING and attempts to sever contact with FELICITY. She goes to see him.

FELICITY JONES

Hey buddy, how you doing?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Oh you know, just dying. Slowly.

FELICITY JONES

Well, stiff upper lip and all that. How about a game of croquet?

EDDIE fails at CROQUET.

FELICITY JONES

Look, Eddie, I love you in spite of your poor croquet skills. I don’t care that you’ll be dead in two years. We should marry immediately.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Right-o. Also, let’s have a kid. Sure, it’s a bit irresponsible, having children just as their father is likely to die, possibly subjecting them to the same horrible, poorly-understood disease. But fuck it, babies are cute.

They MARRY and have a KID.

INT. CLASSROOM

Full of renewed vigor, EDDIE decides he must finish his PhD.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

(barging in during a lecture)

David! I wish to do my thesis on time!

DAVID THEWLIS

Okay. What about time, specifically?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Oh, you know, just the general timey-wimeyness of it all.

DAVID THEWLIS

I’m positive the actual Stephen Hawking’s thesis was more complicated than that but eh, if we get into string theory we’ll be here all night. Fine. Do your thesis on “time”, whatever the fuck that means.

EDDIE does! He returns, now using CRUTCHES, to deliver his THESIS.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

And so, gentlemen, if we take the mathematical illiteracy of films like Armageddon and combine it with the awkward “spiral in a coffee cup” imagery from Darren Aronofsky’s Pi, we must determine that spirals are everywhere and therefore so are black holes or something. Thank you for your time.

DAVID THEWLIS

Well I’m jolly well convinced.

CHRISTIAN MCKAY

Me too. You’re right on the money.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Wow. Science is easy! I wonder if my wife’s having this much fun.

INT. HAWKING HOUSEHOLD

Having spent the past few years RAISING TWO CHILDREN on her own, as well as helping her RAPIDLY DETERIORATING HUSBAND not DIE every time he tries to SWALLOW SOMETHING, FELICITY’s STIFF UPPER LIP is starting to FALTER.

FELICITY JONES

Mother, I feel the rumblings of something resembling regret and dissatisfaction at this life of domestic hell I’ve chosen over my own career. Some moms can barely raise one kid without five nannies and a Xanax prescription and somehow I’m managing two of them, plus dealing with a man who routinely makes the laws of the universe his bitch while wholly relying on me for everything from getting up the stairs to using the toilet to not randomly choking on phlegm at any moment.

EMILY WATSON

Yes, it really does seem like you’re getting the raw end of the deal here despite your husband’s crippling disease. Have you considered joining the church choir?

FELICITY JONES

(actual line)

Mother, I do believe that’s the most British thing anyone’s ever said.

EMILY WATSON

Oh come now, there’s nothing a small dose of Jesus can’t solve. Not too much though, what would the neighbors think?

FELICITY goes to church and meets the CHOIR DIRECTOR, CHARLIE COX.

CHARLIE COX

Ooh, a potential kindred spirit! Tell me your woes.

FELICITY JONES

I have to be supermom times fifty every single day while also playing caretaker to my rapidly-deteriorating, wheelchair-bound genius of a husband.

CHARLIE COX

Fascinating. I’m a widower myself. I’m lonely, great with kids, handsome, musically talented, unfailingly polite, and now want only to lessen your load.

FELICITY JONES

Brilliant! My very own Manic Pixie Dream Dude! We should montage together immediately!

CHARLIE is welcomed into the Hawking family with OPEN ARMS! He teachers their kids PIANO, helps carry EDDIE around, plays with the KIDS, and generally does all the things FATHERS usually do. He and FELICITY also stare longingly at each other in the KITCHEN, which is BRITISH CODE for THEY WANT TO PORK LIKE HAMSTERS. The whole family sits down for dinner.

CHARLIE COX

So, Eddie, you used the word “God” in your last piece of writing. Does that mean you’re converting to the one true faith?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Not even slightly. I use God as a metaphor frequently in my works. This has absolutely no bearing on my belief system, it’s simply a convenient turn of phrase. I mean

(winking)

Who knows what’s out there?

CHARLIE COX

Well I’m glad you two have God as part of your relationship. A point of constant tension in your relationship, but hey, at least you got Jesus in there somewhere.

Later, FELICITY gives birth to their THIRD CHILD. At a HAWKING FAMILY BARBEQUE, she is confronted by EDDIE’S MOTHER.

EDDIE’S MOM

Felicity, we’re a bit concerned about the closeness of your relationship with Charlie, and the fact that you’re still pumping out kids even though your husband could best be described as a jellyfish in a suit.

FELICITY JONES

Well as Harry Lloyd so helpfully established a few scenes ago, Eddie’s genitals are not affected by the motor neuron disease and are in perfect working order. Yes, that’s right, we can’t be bothered to discuss Stephen Hawking’s groundbreaking theories, but his boners are a ripe for dramatic exploitation.

FELICITY speaks to EDDIE.

FELICITY JONES

Eddie dear, I need some time away from you for the first time in forever. Do you think you can survive long enough for me and Charlie to pop off for a quick camping trip?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

How completely unsuspicious. Have fun babe!

BIZARRELY, FELICITY and CHARLIE do not BANG while away from EDDIE. GOD still punishes them for their CARNAL THOUGHTS, however, by giving EDDIE a life-threatening dose of PNEUMONIA and putting him into a COMA.

FELICITY JONES

God fucking dammit, Eddie. One fucking weekend, that’s all I wanted.

DOCTOR

I’m sorry, Felicity. Eddie’s time has come.

FELICITY JONES

Yes, the audience is just on the edge of their seats waiting to see if the currently-living Stephen Hawking will survive this medical emergency. Just give him the robot voice already.

EDDIE gets a TRACHEOTOMY. The family struggles with this for exactly ONE SCENE before EDDIE gets his SPEAK AND SPELL and is FINE FOREVER.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Wow, this is awesome. We’re using Hawking’s actual voice here, aren’t we?

FELICITY JONES

Yes. It’s really not that impressive. The guy was on the Simpsons four goddam times. It’s not THAT hard to get him to spend a weekend in a recording booth.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Well now that I have this state-of-the-art new robo-voice, I’m immediately going to roll around the room going “Exterminate. Exterminate.” I don’t even care if we pulled this scene out of our asses, it’s hilarious. Also, Felicity, I think it’s time we broke up.

FELICITY JONES

Why?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

I’ve fallen in love with one of my nurses, and you obviously still have feelings for Charlie. We had a good couple of decades together but this really is the best option for both of us.

FELICITY JONES

But Eddie, we’ve gone through so much together and I-

(disappears, leaving a cloud of dust behind her)

INT. LECTURE HALL

Having finally evolved into the STEPHEN HAWKING most people are only aware of because they saw him on BIG BANG THEORY, EDDIE gives a lecture in America.

STUDENT

So, Eddie, what’s the universe like?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

It’s big and spiraly. There are many spirals in the universe.

OTHER STUDENT

And what about black holes?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Those are also things that are spirals. Therefore, they are the universe.

OTHER OTHER STUDENT

And what about God? Have you come around on the big guy?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Jesus, will you people quit it with the God thing? I don’t believe in Buddha, Zeus, Allah, Thor, Xenu, Osiris, Satan, Yahweh, Galactus, or Gaia any more than I believe in Elsa from Frozen.

STUDENT

But he COULD be out there, right?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

No.

STUDENT

Maybe just a little bit?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

No.

STUDENT

That’s pretty narrow-minded of you.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

It’s pretty narrow-minded of you that you don’t believe in the purple crocodile demon I just invented. There’s the exact same amount of proof. I mean, ugh, fine, maybe there’s something resembling a god somewhere. Whatever gets you off my case.

Having conquered physics, EDDIE receives the highest honor any BRITISH PERSON can ACHIEVE. He gets to meet the QUEEN. He also reunites with FELICITY.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Well things seem to be working out for both of us. We really are better as close friends now than we ever were as lovers.

FELICITY JONES

Yeah. But just to completely muddle that point, let’s have a big backwards montage where we zoom all the way back to the party where we first fell in love. Because we both know that was the defining moment of our lives and not any of the theories you pioneered, or any of the children I raised, or my meeting the man I’m currently in love with.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Yes. Truly ours is a love story that will endure for all time. Because of spirals or something.

FELICITY JONES

Spirals and god.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

(sighing)

END

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