Movie Rating:

This entry has a rating of 2.5

The Smurfs

THE SMURFS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. CGI MUSHROOM VILLAGE

SMALL BLUE TOM KANE narrates as two SMURFS fly BIRDS right into SMURF VILLAGE, which is protected by some WEIRD SHIMMERY SHIT.

SMALL BLUE TOM KANE

In a far away land that many do not believe is real, there live creatures who exist in a self-sustained village with no currency, where everyone has a single specific job and bow unquestionably to a nigh omnipotent unelected leader. They actually get on fairly well.

KARL MARX

See, I told you!

SMALL BLUE ANTON YELCHIN stumbles around CGI SMURF VILLAGE in a WACKY and GOOFY way, while other SMURFS shout helpful plot information at him and sing the same annoying song you're going to hear the entire film. SMALL BLUE JONATHAN WINTERS, the KINDLY FATHER FIGURE, uses SMURFY FORESHADOWING WITCHCRAFT and sees a bunch of SMURFS in cages.

SMALL BLUE JONATHAN WINTERS

Smurfs in cages? But Smurf-&-M night isn't for another week...

He also sees OMINOUS VISIONS concerning a DISASTROUS FUTURE for SMALL BLUE ANTON YELCHIN, who stumbles in a few seconds after his IMPENDING DOOM-VISION vanishes.

SMALL BLUE JONATHAN WINTERS

Instead of simply explaining the vision to you, thus avoiding an otherwise inevitable disaster, I think I'd rather cryptically warn you to stay in the village.

SMALL BLUE ANTON YELCHIN

And instead of listening to my father figure, or my generic clumsiness which is evident in my fucking character name, or the fact that, in the last two minutes, I injured about eight Smurfs just by walking around, I'm going to walk out alone. I'm sure everything will be fine.

HANK AZARIA shows up with his HORRENDOUS CGI CAT.

HANK AZARIA

Ah, a SMURF! Wait, really? A Smurf movie? What happened, were the rights to She-Ra too expensive? How can anybody think a movie about an isolated race of blue villagers conflicting with modern America would be a good idea?

JAMES CAMERON shows HANK AZARIA his bank account balance.

HANK AZARIA

(clears throat loudly)

Alrighty then. OK, Small Blue Anton Yelchin, instead of trapping you to use as bait for the others, I'm going to chase you and hope that you are epically stupid enough to run straight back to your village.

Shockingly, this plan works.

SMALL BLUE JONATHAN WINTERS

Oh no, Hank Azaria is wrecking all of our homes! If only I'd used my magic powers not for some stupid shimmering cloak thing to protect my comrades, but some kind of curtain made of some kind of metal!

HANK AZARIA

I have you now, barring the use of some kind of Smurf science!

SMURF SCIENCE and some SLAPSTICK COMEDY happen.

HANK AZARIA

Darn!

The SMURFS escape, with SMALL BLUE JONATHAN WINTERS, GEORGE LOPEZ, KATY PERRY, ANTON YELCHIN, FRED ARMISEN, and ALAN CUMMING running towards a path marked with DANGER SIGNS.

HANK AZARIA

Well, I'd best run after the tiny fraction of them that went down a ragged death path. The best part is none of the little shits or nostalgic cattle watching this movie will notice this glaring flaw in logic.

SMALL BLUE JONATHAN WINTERS

Ok, everybody, this is the end of the prologue sequence. So far, things aren't promising, but if we maintain the tone of the series, this could at least be bearable for the dead-eyed adults in the audience. You know, as long as we avoid the common mistake of every nostalgia-dependent revival film in hist-

Suddenly, a MAGICAL PORTAL transports them and HANK AZARIA and HANK AZARIA'S SCARY CHESIRE CAT to modern New York and a GENERIC-AS-ALL-HELL MAGICAL-FRIEND-HELPS-OVERWORKED-EVERYMAN MOVIE.

SMALL BLUE JONATHAN WINTERS

Well, Smurf.

EXT. NEW YORK

Though a series of SMALL BLUE ANTON YELCHIN'S WACKY MISHAPS, the SMURFS wind up in the apartment of NEIL PATRICK HARRIS and JAYMA MAYS.

JAYMA MAYS

Before we continue with this, I'd just like to congratulate Small Blue Anton Yelchin for being the millionth character to eat soap and burp out bubbles.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

WHAT THE HOLY SHIT ARE THESE THINGS??!!

(does a quick Google search)

Oh, never mind, they're Smurfs, tiny magical creatures. Wow, that's what Google's come to these days, being a plot device to speed up potentially interesting plot exposition. Four stars, Google. Four stars.

SMALL BLUE JONATHAN WINTERS

Allow us to introduce ourselves! I'm Small Blue Jonathan Winters, the friendly, self-sacrificing father figure.

SMALL BLUE ANTON YELCHIN

I'm the clumsy dumbass whose sheer ineptitude would have been Darwined out in any sane environment, but serves as the driving plot force in this film!

SMALL BLUE GEORGE LOPEZ

I'm the obligatory unfunny comedian voice actor every animated movie requires by law! Here's a fun drinking game, hit up IMDB and drink a shot every time you see the name of a more talented comedian who's in this movie, but is relegated to a bit role.

SMALL BLUE FRED ARMISEN

I'm the smartass whose brilliant dialogue is spoken over with dozens of iterations of the word Smurf.

SMALL BLUE ALAN CUMMING

I'm the vaguely offensive stereotype, but I'm Scottish, so no one will complain.

SMALL BLUE KATY PERRY

And I'm the sole female who, despite growing up in a predominately male environment, is still obsessed with dresses and flowers and unicorns! Also, I make a reference to my voice actress's song about experimental lesbianism that is out of place, unfunny, and extremely creepy.

SMALL BLUE JONATHAN WINTERS

And now, why don't you introduce yourselves!

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Well, I'm a beloved family man with a loving wife, a good career, and a baby on the way.

SMALL BLUE JONATHAN WINTERS

Wait, I heard the word career! You must be the overworked everyman we're here to help! With magic!

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Actually, no. Within five minutes of my introduction, it's shown that I'm a perfectly friendly guy whoís respectful to my bosses and work staff alike. Iím completely devoted to my wife and family, and I even want a bigger apartment, which for some reason my wife refuses.

JAYMA MAYS

But you missed our first ultrasound!

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Yes, but that was only so I could finish the last-minute project my sociopathic boss dropped on me to prove that I deserve a promotion to a position where I will no longer have last-minute projects dropped on me. It's a tiny sacrifice to provide long-term security for my family.

SMALL BLUE JONATHAN WINTERS

(shaking head sadly)

You poor, poor man, brainwashed by the capitalist dogs. We'll help you, while looking for a stargazer with which we can Smurf the stars and Smurf us a way home.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

But, you just used the term Smurf in place of actual dialogue. Even in context, it makes no sense. Seriously, is this movie not even going to try to explain this to the extremely cynical and jaded movie audience of 2011?

SMALL BLUE JONATHAN WINTERS

Nope. But we will acknowledge the remarkable batshittery of this, and a few other core plot holes of the Smurf mythology, just enough so people can get a cheap laugh.

JAYMA MAYS

And the collective naïveté of the average child audience clicks up another precious notch.

Meanwhile, HANK AZARIA discovers SMURF HAIR in his CAT'S vomit. This is GROSS, and a MAJOR PLOT POINT. Don't even ask how the hair got there in the first place. Soooo not PG.

HANK AZARIA

Ooo, Smurf hair! Now I just need to coax the magic out with Doc Brown's can opener, and then I can capture the others Smurfs! But first, I'm going to fart, throw-up, get hit by cars, and generally ruin any chance that I could be taken as a credible threat!

While basically being the Three Stooges in one body, HANK AZARIA manages to stumble into NEIL PATRICK HARRIS' place of business, where he impresses the COMPANY'S GENERIC OVERBEARING BOSS, SOFIA VERGARA.

SOFIA VERGARA

With your ability to make my mom hot, I can rule the world of cosmetics! Also, this opens up a door to an interesting subplot wherein the medieval villain teams up with the corrupt corporate shill, which in turn allows for some clever sending-up of contemporary corporate greed!

HANK AZARIA

What? We can't have that kind of thing in a modern American movie! Evil capitalists are so played out. No, I'm just going to use this as an opportunity to piss in the middle of a five-star restaurant.

SOFIA VERGARA

Classy.

HANK AZARIA follows NEIL PATRICK HARRIS to FAO SCHWARZ, where the Smurfs are attempting to Smurf a STARGAZER, a euphemism for TELESCOPE that takes the CHILDREN in the AUDIENCE a half-second to interpret, but the human characters never pick up on.

SMALL BLUE GEORGE LOPEZ

The rest of you can go find the stargazer; I'm going to develop a creepy attraction to a plush green M&M doll.

SMALL BLUE JONATHAN WINTERS

Wow, so far this movie has advertised for McDonald's, FAO Schwarz, Barbie, Google, Wikipedia, Blu-Ray, and now M&M's. Also, Neil Patrick Harris is an advertising agent for a cosmetics company! The only way this movie could be a bigger sellout is if there were a Pepsi Smurf! All that's missing is an old video game reference.

SMALL BLUE GEORGE LOPEZ

Um...

Through a series of WACKY MISHAPS, the Smurfs barely escape HANK AZARIA'S EVIL LEAFBLOWER OF DOOM and arrive back in NEIL PATRICK HARRIS' APARTMENT.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Alrighty, while SMALL BLUE JONATHAN WINTERS deals with some off-screen plot-related boring, let's all play... wait for it... Guitar Hero, a game everyone forgot about two years ago!

SMALL BLUE FRED ARMISEN

Ok, but only if we can play the version devoted to the band that completely lost all dignity around the time their lead singer was dressing up as Santa on Disney Channel shows!

SMALL BLUE ALAN CUMMING

While we change the lyrics to rap about how cool it is to be characters from an 80's cartoon!

SMALL BLUE KATY PERRY

While I pretend to be a famous 60's celebrity!

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Modern relevancy, accomplished!

(fiddles with computer)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to send out a boring, safe ad for approval, instead of the ad I'd prefer to send, an image of a moon which has nothing whatsoever to do with cosmetics.

SMALL BLUE ANTON YELCHIN

Yeah, about that... I kinda just performed a wacky series of completely random motions on your laptop that somehow backed out of your email, selected your stupid moon ad, uploaded it, approved it for attachment, and sent it off to your boss, without you noticing or checking to make sure the biggest project of your career went ok. Whoops, my bad.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

I shall calmly and understandably vent a bit about this bizarre mishap that just cost my company millions of dollars in advertising funds.

JAYMA MAYS

Neil, I am shocked at you! By showing human frustration, you have raised doubts that you even want the baby you put in me seven months ago, and have assisted me with every step of the way! We have magic creatures in our apartment; instead of thinking about mundane things like work, you should be amazed at the magical things happening to us!

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Instead of pointing out to you that I may have just lost my ability to support you and our expected child, I will in fact apologize for my measured response, and tell my boss off for trying to fire me for royally fucking up a major campaign.

JAYMA MAYS

And instead of fretting about things like a college fund or life insurance, let's sing a Journey song!

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

...What?

Suddenly, HANK AZARIA captures SMALL BLUE JONATHAN WINTERS, right after he makes a reference to the original Smurfs comic, which is awesome for the long-term Smurf fan. Fan. Singular.

SMALL BLUE JONATHAN WINTERS

(struggling)

Hank Azaria, if you must eat me or turn me into gold then do so, but leave my Smurfs out of this!

HANK AZARIA

Eat you? Gold? What are you talking about?

SMALL BLUE JONATHAN WINTERS

You know, Gargamel's motivations from the cartoon.

HANK AZARIA

Oh, no no no. This is 2011, we can't let the past infect our children with controversial topics such as the morality of eating sentient creatures or using them for financial gain! They might get smarter! No, I just want to use your hair, sweat and tears to fuel my magic and possibly seduce Sofia Vergara.

SMALL BLUE JONATHAN WINTERS

Seriously? All this trouble to track us down when all you had to do was raid our shower drains?

SMALL BLUE FRED ARMISEN

Never fear! By using a magic spell I somehow gleaned from an old comic, I have turned the moon blue, which somehow solves every plot problem! And allows me to summon an army of Smurfs so we can reenact the last scene from Avatar!

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

That sounds retarded, but it's actually the coolest scene in this movie. Well, with Hank Azaria defeated and my job somehow not lost, we bid you Smurfs farewell! Now we're off to learn from this experience, by... not getting a bigger apartment. Wow. Not exactly a Christmas Carol character arc, is it?

SMALL BLUE JONATHAN WINTERS

Once we get home, I'm gonna start rebuilding our quaint, magical village to look like New York, because if there's one thing our charming magical medieval community needs, it's New Yorkers. Once Sitcom-Character-Just-Looking-for-Love Smurf and Independent-Single-Female Smurf and Jaded-Womanizer Smurf and Racially-Insensitive-Taxi-Driver Smurf and Over-the-Top Sports Fan Smurf move in, we'll have a great sequel on our hands!

They WON'T.

END