Bill and Kristen watch what SNL is like now that they've left the show.


Bill and Kristen watch what SNL is like now that they've left the show.

THE SKELETON TWINS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. HOSPITAL

KRISTEN WIIG visits BILL HADER, her TWIN who has a... SKELETON. She sits WAAAAAAY on the right of the frame. He sits WAAAAAAY on the left of the frame. They STARE at each other.

KRISTEN WIIG

Hello, estranged brother Bill, of whom there is such distance between me and you. I see you survived your suicide attempt, thus interrupting MY suicide attempt, reuniting us for the first time in ten years.

BILL HADER

Aaaaand I should've guessed sooner this wasn't a comedy. I was suspicious when the posters were nothing but "Stand there, look bored." What are we, two comedy stars, doing here?

KRISTEN WIIG

When I realized the future of comedy is forgettable, heartwarming saccharinity flicks and raunchy damp sex films, I had to do something drastic immediately.

BILL HADER

Same here, I'm trying to star in a slasher film I wrote. That's right, Bill Hader's pet project is a fucking slasher.

They move their SKELETONS closer together, but their SOULS are still far apart, as evidenced by KRISTEN'S vaguely bored face, and BILL'S "I-have-five-thousand-facial-expressions-and-you-are-going-to-see-them-all" face.

INT. KRISTEN WIIG'S HOUSE

THE MUSCULAR TWINS move in with KRISTEN'S HUSBAND, the one and only LUKE WILSON.

LUKE WILSON

Nice to meet you, Bill.

BILL HADER

Thanks, nice to meet you t-

LUKE WILSON

I know. It's so nice to meet me. I have so much experience in the world. With life. And being a husband. It's nice being married, especially to people named Luke Wilson. Look at my gorgeous jowls.

BILL does the only thing gay men know how to do in movies other than whine about a lack of love, which is SOLICIT SEX FROM EVERY MALE ON SCREEN.

This FAILS.

BILL HADER

Damn, I sure do love COCK! I cannot wait to get me some COCK! Cock cock cock. Hey Luke, if you weren't married to my sister I would fuck you. I won't though, because she's sitting right there. Hi Kristen. But fuck you I would, Luke. Cock.

KRISTEN WIIG

My, what tension there is between you two! The best way to work through this is to ensure you spend a lot of time together by convincing Luke to hire Bill as his personal assistant!

BILL and LUKE clear sticks off a weirdly steep hill for a forest trail, because steep hills are where forest trails go. Get out there and ride your bike down some eroded gravel.

LUKE WILSON

Bill, I can't help notice you're deliberately being a lazy couchfuck. Maybe you want to do something, I don't know, likable, so people will care about you?

BILL HADER

Okay... There, I signed on to make the Angry Birds movie.

LUKE WILSON

No, I meant do some goddamn work instead of freeloading. We're picking up sticks, the mushrooms growing on the wood are more helpful than you. How hard can it be?

BILL HADER

I'm not outdoors-y. I prefer being inside things. Especially anuses. Warm, fleshy anuses of any guy who will treat me AT LEAST as well as his blow-up doll.

LUKE WILSON

Oh, FUCK YOU! Wait, not like that! Jeez, at least Kristen isn't a total hoe.

INT. SCUBA DIVING LESSONS

KRISTEN fucks the latest in her string of lovers, BOYD HOLBROOK. He has a SEXY ACCENT and can rock a WETSUIT, both of which are thicker than his CHARACTERIZATION.

BOYD HOLBROOK

Kristen, you seem...

(sexilicious marrow of sex accent)

...conflicted.

KRISTEN WIIG

Hmm? Oh, I'm doing this thing where I look vaguely upset but too tired to do anything about it, like, all the time. Since everyone's used to seeing me ham it up, they now think I'm "Reined in," or "Controlled." That's acting!

BOYD HOLBROOK

What? Sorry, it sounded like you were talking about something other than us fucking so

He goes DEEP-SEA DIVING in KRISTEN'S VAGINA.

KRISTEN WIIG

(giving out the scromp)

I am so very reined in right now.

INT. THE CARDIOVASCULAR TWINS' HOUSE

KRISTEN fights with BILL. She looks very CONFLICTED about it, so they INHALE NITROUS together.

BILL HADER

We did it! We learned to love and understand each other! All it took were some drugs!

KRISTEN WIIG

Oh no, I'm suddenly mad at you again!

BILL HADER

Look, we made up again!

KRISTEN WIIG

Now we're mad again!

BILL HADER

Now we made up again!

KRISTEN WIIG

Now we're cheerfully mellowed!

(receives glare from director)

Nope, we're mad.

BILL HADER

I'm confused, are we bipolar?

KRISTEN WIIG

No, just the movie.

BILL HADER

That would explain this SPONTANEOUS SONG AND DANCE NUMBER, OH YEAH!

KRISTEN WIIG

WHOO LET'S WIGGLE OUR... SKELETONS!

THE ENDOCRINE TWINS (no, seriously, why is it called "Skeleton Twins?") lip-sync NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW. Like, the ENTIRE SONG.

Then they FIGHT and MAKE UP and FIGHT and MAKE UP and FIGHT AGAIN.

KRISTEN WIIG

Good Lord, what are we fighting ABOUT?

BILL HADER

(drinking milk, which improves his SKELETON)

You're mad I'm sleeping with Ty Burrell, a teacher of mine who I had an illegal relationship with in high school. He treats me only a little worse than a vibrator, but I'd need like, standards or some shit, to care.

KRISTEN WIIG

I have the same problem with Boyd. Hey, are you a gay character whose problems DON'T all stem from his sexuality?

BILL HADER

I'm not complaining about society accepting me, so YES! We did it! How progressive!

(pause)

Now let's imply I let Ty seduce me because I was lacking a father figure after our dad dressed me in girl's clothing and killed himself.

KRISTEN WIIG

(sighs)

Well, it's better than the "empowering" gay porn documentary James Franco directed. Yep, check Netflix.

LUKE WILSON, meanwhile, wonders why he's been unable to conceive a child with KRISTEN. BILL subtly reveals she's taking BIRTH CONTROL!

KRISTEN WIIG

Oh chickenfuck you Bill. Now I might have to show emotion and destroy my chances at rocking the awards ceremonies!

LUKE WILSON

But Kristen! Why didn't you tell me you weren't ready for children yet?

KRISTEN WIIG

Because I'VE BEEN FUCKING OTHER MEN, LUKE! Men whose jawbones aren't wider than their hairlines! Wait, I didn't mean that- or maybe I did- whatever.

BILL HADER

You know Kristen, you're kind of a bitch. Did we ever give a reason why you're sleeping around?

KRISTEN WIIG

Yes, we did! I can't stand the pressures of having a great job, financial and marital stability, a non-controlling and patient husband who loves me, and plenty of free time and money to do whatever I want!

BILL HADER

I'm really not seeing the-

KRISTEN WIIG

TOO! MUCH! PRESSURE!

(makes an expression)

OH GODDAMMIT I HAD TO MAKE AN EXPRESSION, NOW THIS'LL BE MARKETED AS A COMEDY FOR SURE! AAAAAARGH I CAN'T ESCAPE!

KRISTEN tries to kill herself using a POOL. BILL downloads an APP allowing him to check reviews of the local pools in his area, compare hours and cleanliness levels and chances of finding DEAD TWIN SISTERS in the water, notices DEALS in his area, rushes to the pool in time, and SAVES KRISTEN! Now EVERYTHING'S RIGHT between THE INTEGUMENTARY TWINS!

BILL HADER

We did it! We learned to love and understand each other! And all it took was a few attempted suicides!

KRISTEN WIIG

I ditched my kind and supportive husband who I've been stringing along for years! He's the dick, not me!

They buy some FISH. Credits roll. Seriously.

BILL HADER

So, the moral is "Stick to your family, you need each other in times of trouble?"

KRISTEN WIIG

Actually,

(turns to Academy)

You see, we were hurt because our father abandoned us. From that point on, we were unable to cope, destroying our relationships and watching our lives wither because the death of a parent is so traumatic it needs an uplifting soul-journey to-

REESE WITHERSPOON, JESSICA CHASTAIN, and JAMES CORDEN do the same thing, but with BACKPACKING, SPACE TRAVEL, and GIANT MURDER. What've you got, KRISTEN?

KRISTEN WIIG

Uhh... reined-in expressions?

BILL HADER

No, I got it! This movie... it doesn't have any ideas or fleshed-out plot points! It's just a bunch of thematicly-linked subplots that eventually stop, even though nothing really indicates we've gotten over anything and have actually fixed any problems!

KRISTEN WIIG

It's not FLESHED OUT? So you're saying our movie is a...

BILL HADER

...SKELETON????

END

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