"This is for Twilight you son of a bitch!"


"This is for Twilight you son of a bitch!"

THE ROVER

The Very Abridged Script

EXT. POST-APOCALYPTIC AUSTRALIA - BEYOND THUNDERDOME

A VAGUE CATASTROPHE has fallen. Society has collapsed, bandits roam the roads, only a ROGUE BADASS can restore order blah blah blah you've already heard this before.

GUY PEARCE sees a group of BANDITS steal his car and gives chase.

BANDIT #1

Aw yeah! Time for some badass Mad Max style action!

GUY PEARCE

What? No! This is an art film dammit!

BANDIT #1

Sure, sure! You're just a grizzled, shell-shocked vigilante who enacts revenge with his awesome driving skills. That's not like Mad Max AT ALL.

GUY PEARCE

...

BANDIT #1

What was that?

GUY PEARCE

Sorry. I don't have many lines. I communicate mostly through angry staring. Just like Mad M- ah fuck.

BANDIT #2

This has all been fun, but we still can't shake off Guy. Why don't we stop the car, step out onto the road, and try to talk things over?

BANDIT #1

What? Why would we do the most idiotic- Okay fine! Let's let him run us over!

(pulls over car)

GUY PEARCE

Huh. Those murderous bandits who tried to shoot me want to talk. I guess I'll stop the car and walk up to them completely unarmed.

(does so)

Hey guys. What's the-

(knocked unconscious)

BANDIT #1

Wow. I can't believe that actually worked. So do we shoot him?

BANDIT #2

Nah. I've completely changed my mind about murdering him. Let's drag hm to the side of the road so no one hits him with their car.

BANDIT #1

But at least we're gonna sabotage his car? To stop him following us?

BANDITS #2

No! God no! We're POLITE post-apocalyptic bandits! Yeesh!

GUY PEARCE wakes up hours later and heads back into town. There he captures one of the bandits the others left for dead, ROBERT PATTINSON.

GUY PEARCE

Robert Pattinson? You're in this movie?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Yep. And let me tell you, being left for dead really has me questioning my faith.

GUY PEARCE

You can ACT!?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Of course! And since I'm an English actor in an Australian film, I'm doing it in a drawling Oklahoman accent! That's not distracting is it?

GUY PEARCE

Anything else?

ROBERT PATTINSON

I'm also implied to be intellectually disabled.

GUY PEARCE

(mulls over jokes)

Nah. Cheap shot.

They set off to find GUY'S CAR, having adventures and murdering DOZENS OF PEOPLE.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Christ, when they said they'd do a gritty reboot of "Dude, Where's My Car?" they weren't kidding.

GUY PEARCE

Shut up! What's that weird noise? It sounds like a garbage barge with throat cancer having an orgasm!

ROBERT PATTINSON

I think that's the soundtrack.

GUY PEARCE

(groaning)

Even in low-budget faux-Westerns, we can't escape the "Inception" effect.

They find the BANDITS and have a shootout. Everyone except GUY is killed.

GUY PEARCE

But I got my car back! Woohoo!

GHOST OF ROBERT PATTINSON

Alright. But what's so special about this car? Is it connected to your deceased wife?

GUY PEARCE

My dead dog was in the trunk. Now I can give him a decent burial!

GHOST OF BANDIT #1

Are fucking kidding me!? Why didn't you just ask for the dog when we were talking at the start of the film? What would we have needed a dead dog for? Why did you choose instead to travel hundreds of miles, battle everyone from gangbangers to military police, and murder God-knows how many innocent people?

GUY PEARCE

Because then we wouldn't have "Mad Max: Cannes Edition". Duh.

END


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