THE PURGE: ELECTION YEAR
The Abridged Script
INT. A HOUSE WITH NO LOCKS OR WEAPONS OF ANY KIND - 2022
YOUNG ELIZABETH MITCHELL and her ENTIRE FAMILY have been tied up and are being tortured by GOOGLY EYE MASK GUY.
GOOGLY EYE MASK GUY
We’re three movies in to this franchise so everybody should know what goes down on Purge Night. Hint: murder!
(listens to “We Want The Funk” on his Murder Playlist)
Aw yeah... That’s my shit right there.
(through ball gag)
What I don’t understand is how my family and I let one moron with a Dad Bod subdue all four of us without giving you so much as a paper cut. I mean did we not have A SINGLE GUN BETWEEN US?
GOOGLY EYE MASK GUY
I think the answer is simple: because you all had a death wish. Now I will kill you all but inexplicable spare Elizabeth because I am nothing if not a merciful psychopath.
INT. WASHINGTON D.C. - 18 YEARS LATER (YES, 18 YEARS, REMEMBER THAT NUMBER FOR LATER BECAUSE IT’S A HUGE FUCKING DEAL, BELIEVE ME)
(on the news)
Greetings citizens. I’m the black guy from the first movie which apparently took place the same night Elizabeth’s family was murdered and HOLY SHIT that was 18 years ago??? I’ve barely aged 4 years since then! I guess black really DON’T crack!
INT. PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES - 2 DAYS BEFORE THE PURGE
I have become a senator and I’m running for president on an anti-Purge platform. Here are some quick flashbacks from the night my family was murdered in case you forgot them in the last-- has it even BEEN 60 seconds yet? Vote for me and I will end The Purge forever!
(while stroking a white cat)
As your evil religious political rival I object to your candyass pacifism! Thanks to the Purge everyone has a job! America is a paradise! And all it costs is a few thousands murders a year! I’d call that a bargain!
Damn bro, that’s fucking evil. Like, Sauron mixed with Cruella Deville stuffed inside Ramsey Bolton type evil.
(while twirling his handlebar mustache)
Flattery will get you nowhere!
KYLE meets with a room full of POWERFUL EVIL OLD RICH WHITE MEN led by HEAD OLD EVIL RICH WHITE GUY RAYMOND J. BARRY.
RAYMOND J. BARRY
Curse that cunting cunt Eliza-cunt! I will cunt the cunt out of her cunted cunter!
Dude, we get it, you’re evil, no need to spell it out with gratuitous vag-related expletives.
RAYMOND J. BARRY
The Purge is the only thing keeping America together thanks to all the systematic poor people murder we evilly profit from, evilly. Because we are evil. Elizabeth must not be allowed to win.
But The Purge rules explicitly state that elected officials are protected. It’s not like we can just blatantly rewrite the rules and plot to kill Elizabeth on Purge Night.
They BLATANTLY REWRITE THE RULES and plot to MURDER ELIZABETH on PURGE NIGHT.
BECAUSE THEY ARE EVIL.
INT. ELIZABETH’S TOWNHOUSE
Instead of hiding out in a fortified bunker like some rich pussy (or a smart person with half a brain) I have decided to hold up in my own home which is protected by a single dead bolt and a locked screen door. I’ve also enlisted the help of notable ass kicker Frank Grillo.
I was the star of the last movie which took place a year after the first movie, which was apparently 17 years ago and HOLY SHITBALLS that would make me roughly 66 years old and my manly grizzledness hasn’t aged a day since! Which is to say my grizzledness actually looks age appropriate now.
INT. MYKELTI’S WILLIAMSON STORE - 1 DAY BEFORE THE PURGE
Kindly business owner and resident minority MYKELTI WILLIAMSON owns the store and employs resident immigrant JOSEPH JULIAN SORIA, who we will call J.J. SORIA because HEY IT WORKED FOR ABRAMS.
Motherfucker! My insurance company raised the rates on my Purge Insurance! If I don’t pay it I’m ruined!
J. J. SORIA
Wait, how are they legally allowed to do that? That would be like Allstate raising your auto insurance rates the night before National Car Crash Day. That’s some real Martin Shkreli conjoined with Voldemort type evil.
Hopefully I don’t piss off any spoiled little shits who might want to deliberately bust up my store out of petty revenge.
In walks BRITTANY MIRABILE and JUANI FELIZ who are dressed in NAUGHTY SCHOOL GIRL FETISH UNIFORMS.
We have decided to steal a candy bar the day before all crime is legal.
Oh, I see, we’re covering the “all millennials are arrogant dumbasses” cliche. Wait, isn’t that our target audience???
You girls give back that candy bar and get off my lawn! Err-- I mean out of my store!
FUCK OFF old man! Touch me and I’ll scream rape, completely ignoring the fact you have like 12 CCTV cameras aimed at us.
Do as he says, bitches. I’m Mykelti’s surrogate daughter. Surely you know my backstory as a super badass gangsta purger from back in the day.
Of course I do, I just recited it to the audience verbatim. I bow to your superior kill count. My poofy hair and I respectfully withdraw.
(stares daggers at Mykelti)
I bet we’ll never see THOSE two morons ever again.
INT. ELIZABETH’S TOWNHOUSE - PURGE NIGHT
Alright Elizabeth, my team has secured the house so you’re safe.
Just so long as one of your own people doesn’t sell us out.
(sells them out)
FRANK’s men are all killed and the house is invaded by TERRY SERPICO and his band of paramilitary NEO-NAZIS.
*Government sponsored* paramilitary neo-nazis!
No way can I win against a guy whose last name is that awesome! Let's bail!
He escapes with ELIZABETH and then BLOWS UP HER HOUSE.
PURGE INSURANCE COMPANY
We’re not covering that!
EXT. MYKELTI’S STORE
I will sit on the roof of my store and guard it with a single bolt action rifle. Surely that will be enough to scare off a horde of insane murderers for the next 12 hours.
J. J. SORIA
And I’ll help you! My backstory includes learning how to be an expert marksman in the shitty South American country I came from before immigrating to the place where Murder Day is a thing.
Suddenly they are approached by a car made entirely out of CHRISTMAS LIGHTS.
We’re back bitches!
And we’re travelling in what amounts to a neon bullseye on wheels. We’ve also encrusted the stocks of our AK-47s with diamonds because that shit be gangsta yo.
Also I’m sporting the Carrie look because I just killed my parents who, let’s be honest, probably had it coming. Now I want my candy bar. Give me my candy bar. Candy. Bar. Candy-Bar. I WANT MY CANDYYYYYYYBARRRRRR!!!!
All I have are some Skittles, M&Ms and Jolly Ranchers.
THOSE AREN’T IN BAR FORM!!!! YOU DIE NOW!!!
But J.J. wings her with a riffle shot.
J. J. SORIA
There, that should deter you in the way a bullet through your thick skull surely wouldn’t.
The CANDY BAR GIRLS get into their LIGHT BULB CAR and leave.
I’m sure we’ll NEVER see those two jackasses ever again!
EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - ON THE CORNER OF HACK AVE AND SLASH BLVD
FRANK and ELIZABETH make their way on foot through the city while trying not to GET DEAD.
Looks like we’ve entered The Warriors part of town.
Don’t worry, I’ve done this before. Just stick with me and you’ll be saf
(is knocked out)
FRANK and ELIZABETH are taken hostage by FOREIGNERS.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN MASCOT
Vee are Purge toureests froom Roosha, vee come to your countree to make killings.
LADY LIBERTY MASCOT
Da. Vee hate stoopid Amerikons! Vee spill yoor blud!
UNCLE SAM MASCOT
Boot first vee taunt you! Taunt taunt taunt you! Vee taunt you so super hard vith our veapons! Vee kill you any second now!
Any second now!
(even more taunting)
Fook guys, maybe vee should get on vith it befor
(is shot in the head)
LADY LIBERTY MASCOT
(is shot in the face)
ABRAHAM LINCOLN MASCOT
(is John Wilkes Booth’d)
Frank, Elizabeth, come with me if you want to live.
INT. MYKELTI’S STORE
Don’t worry guys, you’re safe in here. The only thing that could break through my store’s security gates is a severe case of overacting. I’m talking Nic Cage on shrooms after hoovering up 10 lines of blow and dropping acid over the fucking top acting.
The CANDY BAR GIRLS return with a second(!!!) light bulb car and begin to break through the store’s security gates by CHEWING THE SCENERY when BETTY runs them over with an EMT van.
Did you guys notice how I managed to defuse the situation and talk those girls out of killing you by fucking murdering them? THAT is how you handle unruly teenage girls.
I’ve just realized the neo-nazis shot me with a tracking device bullet which I have pulled out of my shoulder with my bare teeth.
Don’t worry, I’ll set a trap for the neo’s with help from the Crips thanks to my past as a former gang member. See? Compared to neo-nazis The Crips are actually the good guys!
I can already see the “anti-white” rants on Reddit since most of the villains are white and the heroes aren’t.
Except for us, the two main characters, of course!
INT. REBELLION HEADQUARTERS
BETTY takes everyone to an underground triage unit which doubles as EDWIN’s HQ.
Greetings, Elizabeth. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go blow up the building containing Kyle Secor and all the evil rich white politicians!
You can’t! I must win this election fair and square!
Why? They sent an army to kill you. This is exactly why our society is so fucked because good people are too chicken shit to bust a cap in the bad guy’s ass.
You're wrong! The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is with stern optimism and NOTHING ELSE! The whole reason why the Purge must end is because we can’t keep solving our problems with violence. We have to change people’s minds.
I agree, and the best way to do that is with an AR-15 filled with hollow-points. See ya!
EDWIN and his crew head off to KILL ALL THE EVIL WHITE PEOPLE just before the NEO-NAZIS attack their base and capture ELIZABETH.
That AR-15 is looking PRET-TY good right about now.
(is bound and gagged)
How the hell does a pacifist even manage to survive the last 17 purges?
I was trapped on an island with polar bears and a smoke monster. It’s complicated.
KYLE SECOR preaches to a congregational of EVIL POLITICIANS who are EVIL.
Welcome fellow evil rich people. We Purge in order to cleanse our country of filth, like this drug addict here, because liking drugs = sub-human waste.
RAYMOND J. BARRY
Unlike murderers though!
TOTALLY unlike murderers!
The drug addict is STABBED to death sending ORGASMIC SHOCKWAVES throughout the crowd of EVIL ASSHOLES.
Then ELIZABETH is trotted out to be executed and the crowd starts having MULTIPLE ORGASMS by this point.
Now let’s all Julius Caesar her together!
But FRANK, MYKELTI, J.J. and BETTY impeach all the EVIL POLITICIANS with BULLETS. KYLE escapes.
Strange how this entire situation seems to illustrate how my position as a non-violent idealist would be doomed to fail without my enemies being violently murdered.
Speaking of which I have captured Kyle and I’m ready to elect some full metal jackets into his face.
No! You can’t kill him! If you do you’re no better than he is!
REALLY LADY?! After ALL THIS you’re still trying to save the life of the guy who wanted to turn you into a human jack-o'-lantern? Besides you could still lose the election. Killing Kyle means you win by default because that's how elections work so let me purge him!
I actually support Edwin on this. It’s his right as an American with a gun to purge another American without a gun. You have my blessing.
Holy shit, this guy is metal. He may be a heartless murdering politician but I like how he stands by his principles as a heartless murdering politician. He speaks his mind and doesn’t bow down to PC SJW beta male feminists. For that I will spare him. He may even have my vote this November!
Uh... that’s not exactly the conclusion I was hoping for.
But that’s when the NEO-NAZIS return! EDWIN is killed. FRANK and TERRY face off.
Say it isn’t so, Serpico.
Your grizzledness is no match for my Hater Aid.
I will take you on mono-a-mono because Nazis suck dick.
Oh yeah? And what the fuck was Hydra?
THEY WERE NAZI-ESQUE! TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!
FRANK fashions his MANLY GRIZZLEDNESS into a KNIFE and stabs TERRY with it.
Meanwhile MYKELTI sacrifices himself to save ELIZABETH because he’s still technically the BLACK FRIEND.
At least I went out a hero, like Harambe.
INT. AMERICA - ELECTION DAY
J. J. SORIA
I’ve taken over Mykelti store, because employees can just inherit their boss’s business after they’re murdered.
And I won the election! And I carried Texas! That has to be the most sci-fi thing about this entire movie. Well, now that the Purge is gone I’m sure everyone will celebrate and be happy forever!
The streets are suddenly besieged by PURGE SUPPORTERS who immediately start RIOTING THE FUCK out of the place.
What? No no no no no everyone should be happy! Because of me there’s no more Murder Night! Why is everybody going batshit?
What did you expect? You’re taking away a right the people have had for almost 20 years, a right a FUCK TON of them clearly enjoyed.
Ah, no, The Purge kills people. Fuck that law. The people don't deserve to have the right to purge.
Who are you to decide that? Taking away the people's right to purge will lead to more violence. Sure people die, but cars kill people every day, does that mean we should ban them too?
Wait. Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait a minute. Has this secretly been an anti-gun control pro 2nd Amendment propaganda piece all along????